I Hold With Those Who Favor Fire
by Flipspring
Summary: In which Karkat, Terezi, and the ten other trolls land in the Harry Potter world and shenanigans ensue. /To complete a mission they cannot remember./ Currently on Hiatus.
1. Chapter 1: Crash Landing

**Title**: I Hold With Those Who Favor Fire

**Summary**: In which Karkat and Terezi land in the Harry Potter world and shenanigans ensue. /To complete a mission they were not issued./

**Note**: **Edited**: (as of Dec. 26. 2011): Alright, so this is my first crossover fanfic. Also my first Harry Potter fanfic. So exciting! :B And since this will be a rather long multi chapter, I will be writing an unusually long Note here on the first chapter. Apologies in advance. Sadly, I will not be able to promise on my life that this fic will be completed, as I have not already written it all out yet. However, I do have plot in mind, and this fic will hopefully shed a bit more light on the canonverses, as well as send a cheery little moral message. Or not. If not, at least it will be fun for all of us the meantime, yeah?

The trolls featured here will be Karkat Vantas and Terezi Pyrope. **All of the trolls** will play their part, but **none of the humans**. I decided not to try juggling too many of them_ at first_, as much as I love them all, because I was worried that it would difficult to keep things straight. **Unexpectedly**, I think I might be able to keep this fic working with the canonity of both fandoms, except for the initial stretch where we dump the characters in the HPverse. But really, let's not get too optimistic. Again, if the details start going down the drain, at least it will be fun for me to write, and hopefully fun for you to read.

This is mostly for **fun** and **silliness**. Read at leisure and without taking things *too* seriously. ;)

I'll be writing this with POV shifts, which I usually try to avoid, but it's good to break out of my shell for a change, right? Also, updates will probably take a while, but I'll try to have them at least once a week or two, since I'm busy with real-life stuff, and each chapter takes a long time to write. I don't just wing through them as I go, after all.

And sorry, I'll be semi-censoring F-Bombs here. But you'll know when they're there. :B

Alright, I've definitely prattled on long enough. But chances are, none of you will read this blithering string of tripe anyway. No worries then. ;D

There will be some spoilers beyond the identities of characters.

**Warnings**: Language (courtesy of Karkat) Blood, probably.

**Pairings**: I'm not really sure yet. Probably some canon stuff. And some non-canon stuff. (Definitive, I know.)

**Characters**: Karkat, Terezi, various other Harry Potter characters, various other Homestuck characters in mention.

Reviews are received with much love!

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 1:<p>

* * *

><p>It had been weeks since Karkat had had a decent night's sleep in his recouperacoon. In fact, it had been weeks since Karkat had had any decent sleep at all. The last time he'd fallen unconscious at the sight of blood, he'd spent about three seconds awake as his flamboyantly dressed dream self before Bec Noir had stuck a bloody sword through his chest. In the ensuing hour of unconsciousness before he awoke again, he'd floated around in a nightmarish mode of quasi-reality where monsters the size of cities oozed around his field of vision and <em>moaned<em> with the voices of a hundred thousand dead or dying.

He hadn't really expected to fall asleep for the remainder of his life, after that. Which shouldn't have been a problem, seeing as there was a mysterious timer soon counting down to what everyone had agreed must be the end of their universe. But really, he didn't give a shit. There were plenty of other things he could be giving his shit to in the meanwhile, namely f***headed little upstart alien monkeys that caused all the trouble in the first place. Except, it hadn't been their fault, not really. Turns out it was all _his_ fault after all, big surprise. He should've seen that coming.

Karkat Vantas had resolved to stay awake for the remainder of his short failure of a life, but he had failed even in that.

He was, after all, just now waking up from a deep sleep.

* * *

><p>Harry had busied himself in his final year of Hogwarts schooling chasing around extremely hazardous magical artifacts in an attempt to bring down the most dangerous evil wizard known to history. That final moment of triumph and relief in which he'd destroyed said evil wizard had continued to fuel Harry's good mood for the better part of the remaining school year, which the authorities had decided to call off as a luxuriously long winterspring/summer vacation. The next school year would be a war-free second chance for everyone.

But one early summer morning, Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived, and the Savior (as he was now being called, which was ridiculous, and he told anyone that would use the phrase in his presence that it was ridiculous), woke up on his makeshift bed at the Burrow, with blinding sunlight hitting him in the eyes and the snores of his best friend assaulting his ears, and he was swept with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. He sat up, groped around on the floor beside his bed for his glasses, jammed them onto his face, and sat there for the better part of half an hour, watching the pale patch of sky he could see outside Ron's window.

If his thoughts could be voiced at the moment, they could be summarized into two words:

"What now?" he murmured to himself.

That was when he saw a couple streams of light dart through the sky past the window, and heard a muffled _boom_ sound from not so far away. Ron let out a sharp snore and rolled over in his bed.

His ponderings temporarily forgotten, Harry quickly struggled into his clothes and slipped out of the room.

* * *

><p>Upon waking, Karkat's first irrational impression was that he'd somehow awoken back in his familiar recouperacoon, but upon later inspection and disappointment, the slime proved to be a pit of gooey mud. He blearily opened his eyes, feeling achy and sore in his body and a full-blown painful headache consuming his think pan. Sunlight collided directly with his retinae with the full force of a rampaging herd of horn-beasts, and by reflex he jammed his eyelids back shut before the light left him blind and reliant on his tongue to see where he was going.<p>

"F***," he muttered.

"Hey nubhead, is that you?"

"Terezi?" he asked hopefully, keeping his eyes tightly shut as he attempted to roll over, sit up, and get his bearings. His efforts were rewarded with a faceful of mud.

"Hehe, how does that taste? I'd check myself, but it doesn't smell very appetizing. Like chocolate that was dragged through a septic pipe."

"Shut your overeager air hole already," he snarled.

After much undignified crawling, unappetizing bites of waterlogged silt, and taunting advice from Terezi, Karkat managed to extricate himself from the mudhole, although he now had the appearance of a turd-frosted baking good from hell. At least the layer of mud would temporarily protect his skin from the blistering sun. Or maybe he was kidding himself into thinking that his situation wasn't as bad as it was. Terezi's next comment confirmed this:

"You know, this sunlight isn't Alternian, I think. I've been sitting out here admiring your efforts for ages, and my skin doesn't even sting yet. You can probably open your eyes, too, as long as you don't stare at the sun like I did back home."

"Great. I will now proceed to peel open and blind my mud-encrusted ocular spheres to achieve the pleasurable necessity of having to sloppily make out with every f***ing book I ever want to read."

"Pull your head out of your protein chute, jegus! You should trust my judgment more than yours, especially after all the stupid mistakes you've made," she sniggered.

He scowled and attempted to blindly slap her with a muddy hand, but missed. In retaliation, she struck his face with enough force to jerk his head to the side. Karkat commenced to curse loudly and angrily at her while wiping the mud from his face, as she laughed uproariously from just outside of his punching radius. Eventually, though, he managed to wipe enough mud away so that he could gingerly open his eyes and take a look at their surroundings. To his relief, his eyes didn't glaze over red and blind. The first thing he noticed, however, wasn't the strange countryside, but rather Terezi's appearance.

"Will you _please_ give me some sort of _reasonable_ explanation as to why the f*** you're wearing that ostentatious FLARPing outfit of yours?"

She looked down at herself. Or, sniffed down at herself, to be more precise.

"Heh. That's weird. I don't know."

"And since when did you..." he broke off, squinted at her, rubbed at the corner of his eye, squinted at her again, and continued, "Just when in the messed up knot of our game session's timeline did you get taller and less scrawny?"

"Are you calling me fat and disproportionate?" she asked, the amusement dripping right out of her tone like the blood of a limp, culled wriggler.

"Crap, no, I'm not calling you fat, you f***head. I called you _less scrawny_. That's supposed to be a good thing. Like you leveled up from being a starving squeakbeast with one paw in its puny little grave to a well-fed squeakbeast who's ready to flex its well-fed muscles and bring the shit down on all the other hive vermin."

"You're such an idiot, Karkat," she said, grinning now, "If you ever compare me to a squeakbeast of any sort again, I'll be sure to 'bring the shit down' on you."

She got to her feet. He followed suit. There was an awkward pause as they stared at each other. Something was very, very wrong. Wrong to the point of utter perversion, as though Vriska had donned a pink unitard and proceeded to hand out untampered cotton candy with a cheery smile on her face.

"Why are you taller than me, nubby-horns?" she asked, "Did that muddy nap give you a growth spurt?"

"F*** if I know."

Just then, a twig snapped behind them.

* * *

><p>Harry closed Ron's door carefully behind him and made his way down the the kitchen. Judging by the smells wafting up the stairs, Mrs. Weasley was already awake and cooking breakfast, so he pulled his invisibility cloak out of his pocket and draped it over himself before he made his way down the stairs and out the door. Thankfully, she didn't notice the side door open and close softly, nor did she notice that one of the scones she'd made had mysteriously disappeared from its plate on the table.<p>

As he stepped out into the fresh morning air, Harry took a bite from his scone and attempted to remember the exact direction that the lights in the sky had gone. He glanced up at the house, oriented himself to face away from Ron's window, and set out into the fields beside the Burrow. After walking some distance through the tall, dewey grass, he began to appreciate the glow of the sun through the cloak, and worry less about the predicament he'd considered when he'd woken up that morning. Just as he stepped around cow pie in his path, Harry became aware of the rather loud voices coming from ahead of him. It seemed there were two people rather far into the field, sitting in the grass and arguing. Curiously, he strode towards them until he was close enough that the sun in his eyes was no longer an issue, and stopped short.

They were some sort of magical creatures, he guessed, and it looked like one was female and the other was male. The female was wearing a vibrant red-and-teal suit and dramatic red sunglasses, while the male was wearing some kind of dark clothing under a liberal coating of mud. From what he could see, they both had greyish skin, black hair, and warm-colored horns.

Harry wracked his brain for a creature that fit the appearance of these ones in front of him, but came up blank. Surely Hermione would know. Maybe they were some kind of tall... field... goblin? He had no idea. It was lucky that they hadn't noticed him, because they seemed to be a very violent race. The male in particular shouted every word he spoke, and when the female spoke or grinned, she flashed a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. Quite suddenly, they stood up, and Harry shuffled back in alarm. They were both about his height, with the female being just slightly shorter.

"Why are you taller than me, nubby-horns? Did that muddy nap give you a growth-spurt?"

Wait, they spoke English?

"F*** if I know."

Harry decided that it would perhaps be wise to avoid confrontation with these creatures. Sure, he was curious, but suppose they were easily angered and had a penchant for tasting human blood? He knew that it would be prudent to find out about them from Mr. or Mrs. Weasley, maybe send an owl to Hermione, and _then_ come look for them again.

But he really was curious, and surely it couldn't really hurt to speak with them a bit... Harry took a step forward, and a large twig snapped under his sneaker. Shoot. What were twigs even doing in the middle of a field, anyway?

The two creatures whipped around to stare in his direction with almost comical speed and alarm. After glaring at him for a few seconds with a pair of luminous orange eyes, the mud-covered male shrugged and turned back to the female. The female, however, sniffed repeatedly at the air, then stuck her tongue out of her mouth, inhaling deeply.

"What do you think you're doing? That's air you're licking, not a gourmet flesh display."

"Shut your windhole, Carcat. There's somebody here. I can smell him."

The male, Carcat, looked back at where Harry stood, frozen. Carcat then blinked, rubbed at the corner of his eye with one muddy hand and squinted.

"I don't see a damn thing. Are you certain your mysteriously freakish olfactory senses aren't in need of professional medical attention?"

"Well maybe _you're_ the one who needs medical attention. We all know your blood is mutated, maybe there are other things wrong with you. Like your eyes. And your think pan," she scoffed, putting her hands in front of her and groping at the air as she walked toward Harry.

"F***, don't talk about it out loud! Someone could hear," he snapped, sounding angry as well as a little worried. His eyebrows were digging into each other and his fangs were visible as he bared his teeth in a grimace.

"I thought you said there wasn't anyone here," she smirked, waving her hand just in front of Harry's face. He leaned away and stepped back a bit.

"Huh, it moved." She sniffed at the air again.

Harry, seeing that this situation could only get worse if he didn't do something, pulled the invisibility cloak from his head and whipped his wand out of his pocket.

"Oh, now I can smell him better," she grinned, "Carcat, are you seeing this?"

* * *

><p>Karkat's first impression of the person who appeared out of thin air was that it was one of those unnatural human familial relatives of John Egbert. It even had glasses and spiky black hair. No buck teeth, though. So perhaps not.<p>

"Yeah, it's a f***headed human, popped out of thin air, goodness gracious, blah blah blah, you were right, I was wrong, are you happy now?"

"I'm always happy, nubsicles."

"Will you stop it with the stupid-ass nicknames. One of these days I'm going flip my f***ing shit so bad-assedly out of my shit pan, it'll hit Bec Noir upside the snout and send him pirouetting off into what's left of our pathetic and pointless game session."

"...Whatever you say my nubbly little friend."

Karkat took the next moment to vaguely consider what it would feel like to rip his horns out of his cranium and jam them far enough into his auditory sponges that all he would be able to hear would be the tortured screams of his own think pan. He carefully noted it as a backup plan if further shouting didn't clear up the nickname problem.

"Hey, hello?" said the human, waving a long, straight twig in the air for attention. Or perhaps as a bizarre human gesture of peace.

"F*** off," Karkat snapped irritably, "We're in the middle of a predicament here."

"Has it occurred to you that this native human might be able to help us?" Terezi interjected.

"No. And it will stay that way."

"Hello, human," Terezi said, flashing her most charming, pointy-toothed smile at him, "Could you perhaps tell us what universe we've fallen into?"

"Oh, sure, ignore me why don't you. I'll just f***ing stand here covered up to my _nubbly little_ _horns_ with mud while you chat up some foreign species. I can see where your priorities lie."

"Er..." said the human, glancing uncertainly from Terezi to Karkat to Terezi, "Well, you're in England, on Earth..."

"Earth? Isn't that Dave's planet? Do you know Dave? Dave Strider?"

"Er, no. I don't know any Daves, sorry. Wait, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of magical creatures are you?"

"Yeah. We're magical f***ing trolls," Karkat spat grumpily, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh. Okay," said the human, looking thoroughly bewildered now, "Trolls. Got it."

"Sorry, I almost forgot to introduce ourselves! I'm Terezi, and Mr. McF***ingCrabbyNubbyPants here is Karkat."

"It's a f***ing pleasure to meet you," growled Mr. McF***ingCrabbyNubblyPants a.k.a. Karkat.

"Er, okay. I'm Harry Potter," said the human boy.

* * *

><p>"Er, Mrs. Weasley?" Harry called through the open kitchen window. Terezi and Karkat were crouched out of sight under the sill. ("What the f*** is this human-" "<em>shhhhh!<em>")

From inside the kitchen came a clatter of plates and eating utensils, and resounding footsteps across the wooden floorboards. Within seconds, Mrs. Weasley's relieved face appeared in the window, some stray hair escaping from her bun.

"There you are Harry! We've been looking all over for you! Come on in and get some breakfast before it gets cold," said Mrs. Weasley, leaning over the overflowing sink in order to get closer to Harry's face and hear him better over the sounds of breakfast and conversation going on in the kitchen.

"The thing is, Mrs. Weasley, this morning I went for a walk, and I found, well... There were these two trolls, and..."

"Oh my goodness! Harry! How can you still be finding ways to be getting into trouble even after you defeated You-Know-Who? And trolls, so close to our home! Where were they?"

"They were out in the field right there, Mrs. Weasley, but really, they're not so..."

"In the field, are you sure? Are you sure they were trolls, Harry? I thought they only live up in the mountains, they're usually not a problem down where we live, because they're so huge they need more land to find food..."

"Mrs. Weasles, was it?" asked Carcat, who'd stood up next to Harry and was glaring into the window with eerie orange eyes, (his lamentably short patience fuse had burned out), "The vastness of your putrid, sweeps-wide ignorance is so f***ing embarrassing just to listen to that _mphff!_"

Terezi belatedly wrestled Carcat's flapping air hole out of the way and dragged him back down under the window sill.

By this time, the rest of the kitchen's occupants (Ron, Ginny, and Mr. Weasley) had crowded around the window.

"Whoa, Harry, what in the name of Merlin was _that_?"

"Harry, what's this talk about trolls?"

"That wasn't a Muggle, was it?"

"Goodness, what a foul mouth! And was that _mud_ all over him?"

Meanwhile, Terezi and Carcat were attempting to wrestle each other into submission, sending dirt and screamed curses flying. ("LET ME THE MOTHERF***ING GO!" "SHUT YOUR SH1T-W1P3D TR4P 4ND ST4Y OUT OF TH3 D4MN W4Y!")

"They're trolls from another universe," Harry shouted through the window over the chaos, "And I think they need our help!"

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 1<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Sooo, that's the end of chapter 1. Not much happening yet, *sadface* except a few cross-species introductions and a couple subtle hints. Plenty of shenanigans. Maybe it got a little too crazy toward the end, sorry! And worry not, the full might of Hogwarts will soon be introduced. I'll get better. Heh. Really.

I fear some of the characters were a few shades off-character too. D: I'll work on that! I will. And Karkat-speak is actually a lot harder to write than I thought. I hope it turned out okay.

I'm pretty committed to this fic now, and I will work hard to keep updating it until it's complete. There are few things sadder than a fic that has been abandoned partway through. D:

Anyway, please leave a review and tell me what you think! :) Constructive criticism is welcome.


	2. Chapter 2: Owl Mail

**Note**: This chapter seriously took me way longer to write than it should have. D: And hardly anything has happened so far. I seriously need to pick up the pace on this thing. Also, I'm really, really, sorry this chapter isn't worth the wait from the first one. D: I'll try to be update at least once a week, now that I'm pretty sure I'm going to continue. But writing these things takes time! And sometimes the inspiration takes some squeezing to get working.

Thank you so much to those of you who read/alerted/fav'd/reviewed. :'D It's nice to think that I'm not going to be the only one deriving amusement from this. :P I think I _will_ try to continue this to the end, after all. It's actually lots of fun to think about and write. It will be a long and arduous journey, but it must be done for the sake of mankind. _Someone_'s gotta write up a proper Homestuck/Harry Potter crossover on here, after all!

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 2:<p>

* * *

><p>Mrs. Weasley insisted that the first order of business was to get the two trolls getting cleaned up and out of their muddy garments. She directed her son to guide them to the appropriate cleaning area, and so Ron reluctantly led Terezi and Karkat up the wooden stairs, down the narrow hallway, and into the bathroom. The morning sun lit up the room through a clean glass window pane, and a slightly cracked mirror hung evenly on the flower-patterend wall.<p>

"So yeah, just use the bathtub right there..."

"Humans call them bathtubs? Hehehehehe, who would've thought?"

"Why not just call it a f***ing ablution trap like a rational person? Bathtub sounds exceedingly stupid and pretentious."

"Er..." said Ron, quite unprepared for the cross-culture interaction, "Anyway, I'll just leave you two to it, then. Make sure you get all the mud off, or Mum'll use _Scourgify_ on you, and trust me, that's not a pleasant experience."

"Fine. Whatever."

Ron stood in the doorway and stared at them with fascination as Carcat commenced to turn the tap in the sink and Terezi sampled the wallpaper with her tongue.

"Hey. Orange-head. Stop gaping at us like a fish with a neurological disease and help me out here."

"Huh?"

"Your running slime is f***king contaminated with water."

Ron raised his eyebrows high into his forehead.

"You better not be making jabs at our tap water, you stupid git. Alright, we're farther out in the country than most people, but that doesn't mean we don't have proper plumbing and everything."

Carcat stared Ron, turned his gaze to the clear water streaming out of the spigot in front of him, then looked back up at Ron.

"... If by that you mean humans use _water_ in their taps, I'm going to freak the f*** out and grind my own cranium into a powder with my bare hands. Please tell me you're making one of your imbecilic _jokes_ about the slimeless tap. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. The next thing coming out of your moronically shaped wind hole will be that humans bathe in f***king _Faygo_ and sleep in sugared pastries."

"You use slime where you come from?" A grin suddenly broke across Ron's face. This seriously had to be the most wicked thing that had happened all summer. Not only did a pair of _trolls_ from another universe fall into their field from the sky (if Harry was to be believed, and what kind of friend would Ron be if he didn't?), this one was insisting that they used _slime_ in their taps instead of water. He could almost imagine Hermione arguing shrilly into his ear against the illogicalness of it all. Wait until she got wind of this. Heck, they should call Luna over right that instant just to hear what earnest, albeit insane, explanation she would give them for the predicament.

"F*** this. You might as well toddle downstairs and tell everyone to clear the f*** out of this puny little hive while I proceed to raze it to the ground with the pure, unadulterated heat of my contempt and fury."

"Come on, it's not so awful," Ron snorted, "Just get cleaned up and come downstairs. I'll even get some of Harry and Ginny's clothes for you guys to wear."

"F***king fantastic," grumbled Karkat, scratching at a patch of mud that was drying on his nose.

"Hehe, guess what? These flowers taste like raspberries on peach frosting!"

* * *

><p><span>A Succinct Summary of Operation CLEAN THE F***ING MUD OFF:<span>

"F3M4L3S F1RST!"

"F*** NO! I HAVE WAY MORE MUD ON ME THAN..."

Terezi unceremoniously punted Karkat into the hallway and slammed the door in his face.

Everyone in the kitchen looked up at the ceiling as loud, hoarse screaming and hammering ensued.

"The first thing I'm going to do after they get cleaned up is put a Cuss Curse on them," Mrs. Weasley declared.

Ron pulled a gleeful expression as he continued to shovel fried eggs into his mouth, while Ginny allowed herself a small grin.

* * *

><p>Some time later, the two trolls came back down the stairs, cleansed of muck and wearing more conventional human clothing. Terezi was absolutely in love with the red-and-gold Gryffindor sweater that Karkat was wearing, and was sniffing and licking at it none too discreetly as they stood awkwardly at the foot of the stairs.<p>

"Stop that, Terezi," grumbled Karkat, "You're going to give these humans the impression that trolls are all neurotic freaks with obsessive flavor fetishes."

Mr. Weasley had long departed for his work at the Ministry, but the rest of them were still seated at the table, and Ron was still wolfing down food as though it were the last he'd ever get to eat.

Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat.

"So... Terezi? And...?"

"His name is Nubby-Nubs," said Terezi with a wide grin.

"Shut your f***trap. I'm Karkat Vantas, this is Terezi Pyrope." He shoved his hands in his pockets and glared at them as they stared rather blankly back from their positions around the table like a bunch of star-struck newborn grubs. Terezi took another lick of Karkat's red-striped shoulder, and he pulled one hand from his pocket to swat at her face irritably.

After a prolonged pause, Mrs. Weasley broke the silence, "Well then, Terezi, Karkat, why don't you two have a seat and help yourselves to some breakfast? And then you can tell us what happened exactly that caused you two to land in the middle of our field."

* * *

><p>Harry was trying not to stare, but it was difficult not to stare at people with grey skin, orange eyes, and horns protruding from their heads. It was like trying not to think about a purple cow right after being told not to.<p>

After the trolls had eaten, Carcat leaned back in his seat and began to tell what Harry had heard from him in the field.

"We just woke up here covered in mud and shit. I'm not too clear about what happened before that, although I do remember that we were all sitting in the Veil scaring our sorry little asses off by scurrying around murdering each other and worrying about what the f*** would happen when the timer counted down to zero and Paradox Space exploded under the force of it's own stupid-ass redundancy or whatever else was trying to f*** us over..."

"Carcat," Mrs. Weasley interrupted. Carcat responded to her interruption by giving her a dirty (no, absolutely grimy), look.

"What is it now?"

She pulled out her wand. "I will not tolerate such language in my household or around my children. You will stop swearing this _instant_ or I will be forced to put a Cuss Curse on you."

Ron looked up and nudged Harry excitedly as though he were anticipating a good show. Ginny giggled a little and covered her mouth with her hands, but Mrs. Weasley didn't notice any of their antics, focused as she was on Carcat.

Carcat raised his eyebrows a little.

"Just what in high holy f*** do you mean by that?"

Mrs. Weasley flicked her wand, and Carcat's mouth glowed slightly red before the light faded.

"What the fu-" began Carcat furiously. He was unable to finish his sentence, but instead let out a garbled scream and clutched at his throat as his tongue preformed some sort of acrobatic stunt into the back of his throat, causing him to gag loudly and dry-heave onto his breakfast plate.

They all watched him choke for a while, before the effects of the curse subsided.

Carcat gathered his composure, sat stock straight in his seat, and slammed his fist against the table in preparation for a diabolical triade.

...Or it would have been diabolical if he weren't cut off after the first couple words by the curse.

"ALRIGHT YOU BI-" was about all he was able to roar before his air supply cut off and he fell forehead-first against the edge of the table, clutching at his neck with both hands.

Just to add to the chaos of the moment, five successive owls soared through the window and landed on the kitchen table in front of Harry, Ron, Ginny, Carcat, and Terezi, and lifted their right feet simultaneously. On their feet were attached thick parchment envelopes emblazoned with a dark green Hogwarts crest.

"Why the fu-" began Carcat, before his tongue, under the influence of Mrs. Weasley's Cuss Curse, leaped back in his throat yet _again_ to block his air chute. He gagged and toppled, chair and all, to the floor with a loud _BANG_.

"Mrs. Weasley? I think I smell a flock of hootbeasts on your kitchen table. And one of them seems to be sitting in the butter dish." Terezi leaned forward and sniffed curiously at the bird perched on her breakfast sausage. It snapped at her nose, causing her to jerk back with alarm.

"Why would Hogwarts send letters to you two trolls?" Ginny asked. Ron and Harry, on the other hand, were already tearing into their letters excitedly. No amount of cross-dimensional alien travel was about to stop them from finding out about their new year at Hogwarts.

"Letters?" Terezi wrinkled her nose, "Like the symbols you use to write words?"

"Don't you have letters where you come from?" asked Ginny as she delicately began opening her own letter. Harry and Ron were reading through their letters with growing grins on their faces. The owls that had delivered their letters swiftly departed from the window.

"Look at this, mate! We're NEWT students now!" Ron clapped Harry on the shoulder. Meanwhile, Carcat got over his choking fit and angrily slammed his chair back upright, glowering at everyone.

"Go ahead Terezi, open your letter," Mrs. Weasley said.

"What? Where is it? It's hard to smell with all the… Oh, here. This paper thing?"

"Yes, that. Just tear it open at the top… _carefully!_" exclaimed Mrs. Weasley as Terezi nearly tore the envelope in half.

"Hehehe, sorry. Oooh, this is a nice flavor. Like fresh mint pine!" She licked happily at the green ink on the parchment. ("Whoa, mate," said Ron, "You really aren't supposed to eat the parchment…") Carcat's owl was getting irritable at having been left waiting for last and pecked him rudely in the face once he took the letter from its foot.

"OW! YOU DIRTY LITTLE SHI-ack!" He coughed and retched violently as the owl hooted snootily at him and took off after its fellows.

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? What _is_ all this?" Terezi asked, after she'd thoroughly soaked the several pages of parchment with her saliva.

"What does it say?" Mrs. Weasley asked, leaning forward onto the table. The other three humans looked up from their letters in curiosity.

Terezi slurped at her letter again, "Dear Miss Terezi Pyrope, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to attend the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry..."

"WHAT?" yelled Harry and Ron. (One would think they would have been more shocked that the trolls had even received letters in the first place, but it seemed that they'd been distracted enough with their own letters to neglect this new development.)

"Do I really need to buy a magic wand?" asked Terezi as she stuck her nose against the second page of parchment and sniffed hard.

"Wands are expensive..." Ginny murmured, glancing at her mother. Generosity could only take the Weasleys so far, especially when they were (always) low on cash, and untrustworthy, extra-terrestrial creatures would be the beneficiaries.

"We have tons of boonbucks, don't worry," said Terezi cheerfully, digging a few fat galleons out of her pocket (Ron's eyes bulged), "They'd changed into these weird coin things when we got here though, but I'm sure it'll work out. Besides, if the wand-shop won't take our bucks, I'm sure that there are other methods of acquiring magical tools, hehehe."

* * *

><p><span>(Begin Brief, Unrelated Flash-Future Intermission)<span>

"Why is Ollivander's shop on fire?"

"No idea. Hehehehehehehehehe."

(End Brief, Unrelated Flash-Future Intermission)

* * *

><p>Carcat and Terezi (well, primarily Carcat) loudly insisted that they stay together that night, and so they were put in the twins' vacant bedroom. Harry and Ron, meanwhile, discussed the situation in the dimly-lit, secretive atmosphere of Ron's room. Ron lay on his back on his bed, making shadow puppets with the light emanating from the tip of his wand. The shapeless dark blobs held no resemblance to the creatures he was attempting to create, but he was enjoying himself all the same.<p>

"Weird, isn't it? I mean, it's weird enough that a pair of alien trolls landed right by our place, but for them to attend _Hogwarts_? Only humans are supposed to attend Hogwarts. It's for Witches and Wizards, not goblins, elves and _trolls_, for Merlin's sake," frowned Ron as he finally gave up on trying to create the shadow likeness of a rabbit.

Harry grunted in agreement and continued to scratch away at a piece of parchment that he had laying against his pillow. Ron rolled over onto his belly and pointed his wand light at his friend, peering over at what Harry was scribbling.

"What're you writing? And don't say 'homework,' you git, we didn't get any homework this summer."

"Actually Ron, there _were_ some assignments in the letter today," said Harry, not looking up from the parchment.

"Oh right, I forgot about that. But we don't even have our books yet, Mum said we could all go to Diagon Alley tomorrow... So what're you writing, really?" Ron squinted at the parchment, but it was too far away for him to read clearly.

"A letter to Hermione."

"Right! Hey, don't you dare mail that before I send mine."

"Come off it, Ron. I was gonna send it off with Pigwidgeon as soon as he gets back. _You_ didn't even remember to write to her."

Ron scowled, "Pigwidgeon's my owl. You can't just use him."

Harry groaned and looked up from the letter, "I can't use Errol, though. _He's_ so old he'd probably drop dead before he makes it out the window. Can't we just share the letter and get Pig to deliver them both to her at the same time?"

Ron frowned, but nodded grudgingly, as Harry turned back to the parchment. He watched Harry scribble away for a while, before remembering that he'd wanted to add some more to his own letter to Hermione. He'd written out most of it during the day, but because he'd let Pig out to go hunting, he hadn't had a chance to mail it yet. The little featherball would surely be home by morning though, so sending it shouldn't be a problem. Ron leaned his head and shoulders off his bed enough to reach under it and grab the unfinished letter, a quill, and a bottle of ink. He then settled the supplies against his pillow, dipped the quill into the ink, and began to write.

_...Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You know those trolls I mentioned? The ones Harry found next to our place that Mum put a Cuss Curse on? Merlin, it was hilarious when the Carcat one (what kind of name is that anyway? Car. Cat. Beep beep, meow) was wheezing his head off every time he tried to spit out a cuss. I seriously came close to wetting myself, it was so funny. Anyway, our Hogwarts letters all arrived today, and the trolls got them too. What's up with that? Do you know of any time when some magical creature attended Hogwarts as a studdent? This stuff's just strange. Next thing you know, they're going to let goblins work for the Ministry's Department of Concealment or something. Now that will be the day._

_So did you get your letter today? Mum says we're all going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. Or maybe today by the time you get this? Shoot. What's the date? Well, Harry says tomorrow will be the 25th of July. Anyway, will you be there? I guess you could Apparate there if your parents are okay with it. We can all meet in George's joke shop after we do our shopping, right? I mean, it'll probably take until the afternoon to finish but Harry and Ginny miss you. Uh, and I miss you. It feels like ages since we've talked face-to-face._

_Love,  
>Ron<em>

_P.S. Why did they wait until now to assign us all our homework? They should've given us more time, at least!_

Just as Ron was finishing off the final word, a large _WHUMP_ sound of something colliding with the window signaled Pigwidgeon's return.

* * *

><p>Karkat and Terezi had emptied their pockets and captcha cards onto the floor between their beds to take inventory of their loot.<p>

"Wow, look at all these f-" Karkat paused to consider his word choice, growled, and continued, "-these _mountains_ of ridiculously shaped coins you have. Where did they all come from again?"

"I had 413 boon bonds from Dave, remember?" Karkat twitched and growled again. Ignoring him, she continued, "I think they all came with me through my scratch-and-sniff deck and converted into the currency of this world. And these aren't even all of them, hehehehe! I left most of it in my deck so that we wouldn't drown in money."

"Thank you for your foresight," he said dryly, picking up his _Homes Smell Ya Later_ sickle and twirling it in his hand.

"Hehehe, it feels good to be rich. Oh, scoot over Karkles, I think I smell my box of chalk."

She leaned forward and snatched up the box, opening it lovingly and pulling out the red one to slobber upon as she continued to sort through her items. Discovering Senator Lemonsout under a pile of gold pieces, she tugged him free, only to mimic strangling the toy to death, cackling and waving him over her head like a battle flag.

Karkat shook his head at her and opened his husktop. With any luck, perhaps he could still communicate with his other acquaintances from back home. Maybe he'd be able to find out just what the hell happened to them all... Unfortunately, it would appear that connection was impossible. Trollian was completely blank of other users, save for gallowsCalibrator, who was offline.

"Hey, Pyrope. Stop fooling around for a d... for a grub-squashing second and see if you can message me."

She flashed her glasses and a message popped up on the husktop.

[gallowsCalibrator started trolling carcinoGeneticist]

GC: H3Y NUBSY! 1S TH1S WORK1NG?  
>CG: YEAH I GUESS IT IS.<br>GC: NO ON3 3LS3 1S SHOW1NG UP. TH1S SUCKS.  
>CG: WHAT, TALKING TO ME ISN'T ENOUGH? D:B<br>GC: 1T SUR3 4S H3LL 1S NOT. NOW 1 DON'T H4V3 4NYON3 TO COMPL41N 4BOUT YOU TO.  
>CG: WELL ISN'T THAT A F***ING FANTASTIC LITTLE NUGGET OF JOYOUS NEWS. LET US CELEBRATE WITH A PRIMORDIAL TOY-HANGING RITUAL.<br>GC: H3H3H3H3, Y3S!  
>CG: ...OH WAIT, LOOK. I CAN SWEAR!<br>CG: ALRIGHT THIS F***ING DOESN'T F***ING SUCK AS F***ING MUCH AS I F***ING THOUGHT.  
>GC: H3H3H3H3, TH4T'S R1GHT, G3T 1T OUT OF YOUR SYST3M.<br>CG: I F***ING WILL, THANK YOU VERY F***ING MUCH.

[gallowsCalibrator ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist]

CG: HEY F***HEAD, I'M NOT F***ING DONE.  
>CG: F***<p>

"Terezi!"

"I'd rather talk to your face than your sad little anger-train of cursing capslock. Let's just use Trollian when we need to."

Karkat glowered at her a bit, but then sighed in defeat. He then got to his feet, careful not to impale his foot on any of the items scattered on the floor, and settled down on his bed, gripping his sickle and frowning a bit at the lack of slime.

"Alright, whatever. You should get some sleep. Or whatever sleep you can get on this stupid human fluff-cushion."

"What about you?"

"I'll make sure no one comes in here in the dead of night and tries to mercilessly murder us in our state of unconsciousness."

Terezi stared at him with her blind eyes, hidden completely behind red glasses that shined bright white where the lamplight hit them. It was hard to believe she couldn't see, sometimes. Finally she stood and clambered into the other bed, pulling the red-patterned blankets up to her chin.

"You'll have to sleep sometime, Karkat, no matter how scared you are of dreaming."

Karkat didn't answer. Instead, he leaned over to the nightstand and turned out the lamp.

"Goodnight, Karkat."

He didn't respond until he heard her breathing go steady with sleep.

"Sweet dreams, Terezi," he whispered.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 2<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Well, I guess that wasn't _all_ that bad? :P I think I did a bit better with keeping people in character. Maybe. :B But it still isn't quite what I want. Guh, this is starting out slow, I'm sorry guys, but it has to be set up somehow. I employed the Karkat stereotype of f***ing writing like f***ing this all the f***ing time. But I always felt like he was more creative with his language than that... er, anyway, yeah.

Review? :3 Reviews just give me so much writing energy when I get them! :'D


	3. Chapter 3: Diagon Alley

**Note**: So yeah... this chapter was a pleasure to write; it didn't give me much trouble. :D Let's see if it's actually any good. :B

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 3:<p>

* * *

><p><em>Beep! Beep! Beep!<em>

Hermione groaned a few mild obscenities and ungracefully groped for her alarm clock, only to knock it to the floor, where it continued it's soft, incessant beeping. After a bit of effort, she disentangled herself from her blankets, swept her unruly hair out of her face, and leaned out of the bed to turn off the alarm. She would have then commenced to get changed and start her day (there were always so many things to do!), but as she swept her curtains open, something more than the pale, early summer sunlight attempted to pass through her window.

Pigwidgeon smacked beak-first into the glass mere inches from her face. It gave her quite a start and it took her a few moments to realize that it was a familiar, tiny owl that was beating against the pane. He looked to be laden with two fat envelopes. Eagerly, she unlatched her window and let him come shooting into her room, apparently as hyper as ever despite his extra load.

She quickly closed the window before he could whizz away again, and picked her wand up from her desk.

_Accio Pigwidgeon!_ she thought with a flick of her wand, and Ron's owl came soaring into her palm with an excited series of hoots. Hermione delicately untied the letters from his feet and used _Aguamenti_ to pour him some fresh water into the shallow bowl she always had at the ready on her desk. He all but plunged into the water in his excitement.

She picked open the first letter and immediately recognized Harry's jagged handwriting, but decided to see if the other was Ron's before she did anything. Indeed, the next letter held his near-illegible scrawl. Smiling, she sank back onto her bed and started to read.

_Hermione,_

_Sorry I haven't written to you this past week, time really flies when you're doing nothing, ha ha. I guess this letter would be the usual boring rubbish I send to you, but today a few really cool things happened. I'll start with the easier one._

_Our owls from school finally came. Ginny was beginning to wonder if they'd forgotten us. Have you got your letter too? You must have if they do things alphabetically. Or maybe they send all the owls at once? I dunno. I'm excited for this year and seeing you and everyone else again, but NEWT seems pretty tough. All the assigned texts have titles longer than Mum's ball of indefinite yarn! I mean, Merlin's holy snotted nostrils! At least Harry and I have you around, eh? We'd probably be crushed by essays and stuff otherwise._

_The other thing that happened today... Well, I dunno if I should even tell you because it's freaky as hell. But I guess after everything we've gone through together, you'd be willing to believe me on this? I swear I'm not pulling a Fred and George._

_Alright so pretty much what happened was a pair of, eh, trolls fell out of the sky and landed by the field near our place. You know, the one where all the cows are? Ugh, that sounds so stupid. I told you it sounds insane. Man. Oh, and when I say "trolls" I don't mean the normal mountain trolls. These two trolls speak English, and aren't nearly dumb enough or smelly enough to be the trolls we've seen and heard of. But they called themselves trolls, so that's what we're calling them too. See, Harry saw them fall, and went out to see what happened, and apparently they're from another world or universe or something, where they were playing a game called Paradox Space or something and then they somehow ended up here. It's kinda confusing, and I was too busy staring at how weird they look to really pay attention to what they said._

_One of them's a guy, from what we can tell, he says his name is Carcat, and the other one's a girl called Terezi. Carcat has the most foul mouth of anyone I've met. Mum had to put a Cuss Curse on him, and boy, was that hilarious to watch!_

_Do you have any idea what this is all about? Maybe they're a rare kind of creature most of us haven't heard of before. Oh, shoot, I should explain what they look like. They're about our normal height, you know, like humans, but they have grey skin and black hair. They have pointy teeth and the girl has black lips. They also have these horns sticking out of their heads that're kinda yellow-orange, and their eyes are yellow too. Do you know of any creatures like that? I figure if anyone knows about them it's gonna be you._

_This is all really weird. You're probably going to think I'm completely off my rocker, but I swear I'm telling the truth. You can even put a truth spell on this parchment to see if I'm lying or not. (Do they even have a truth spell for words? I dunno. I know there's Veritaserum for what people say so I guess there might be something like that for what people write.)_

_..._

She kept reading, her eyes darting across the messy lettering with practiced ease, until she got to the end, and then she momentarily leaned back in her blankets and looked up at her ceiling in disbelief, before giving the letter a second read, just to make absolutely sure that she hadn't completely misread it. Frowning, she skimmed back over the bit about the sky-trolls, wracking her brain for a magical creature that fit the description.

None came to mind.

Hermione was reluctant to believe that Ron was lying; he sounded so sincere, and it was an awfully weak prank if that's what it was. Perhaps she could talk to him when she went to Diagon Alley as he suggested (she was sure her parents wouldn't mind her shopping for school books, and her Hogwarts letter had, in fact, arrived only the day before). The thoughts of trolls fell to the back of her mind as she read over the last few sentences of Ron's letter, smiling at his clumsily written _Uh, and I miss you._

She picked Harry's letter back up, rearranged herself more comfortably on the bed, and read his letter, which mostly echoed Ron's sentiments.

* * *

><p>Karkat knew it was a dream by his monochrome surroundings and muffled sense of perception.<p>

"F***ing damnit," he whispered to himself.

He was back in the lab on the meteor of the Veil, and the hallway remained resolutely grey and black as much as he strained his eyes. He began walking down the hallway, a living shadow of himself and of the depressive surroundings, until he turned a corner and saw Terezi standing at the edge of an abyss.

"Terezi!"

She turned, and he almost saw her face, but suddenly the greys were rent through with a burning, electric, green.

He ran for her as though through thick sopor slime, yelling her name out silently at the very top of his brachial breathing organs, but she was still turning to face him, unaware, a white-fanged grin beginning to part on the corner of her black lips...

...Teal sprayed everywhere, pouring through the air and across the steel floor like a jet of water, and he screamed, and he screamed, and he screamed like a f***ing helpless little wriggler looking up at the blinding shine of a culling fork.

But everything was silent; his voice was gone, and he was frozen even as he tried to catch her body as it fell.

The green flickered, and he felt the sword in him, and it felt so f***ing _real_, and it hurt so f***ing _much_, but not as much as seeing her falling, falling, falling, falling, teal pooling and spreading across the ground like a carpet and _oh my GOD IT'S ALL OVER MY F***ING FACE AND MY STUPID-ASS PATHETIC WEAKLING HANDS AND TEREZI OH MY GOD WHY COULDN'T I DO **ANYTHING!**_

There is mutant red everywhere and he is shuddering.

Freakish, horrifying, red blood is mixing in with the pure, glowing teal and he is shuddering.

The green light vanishes, and Terezi's face is hidden by the black hair that falls across it..

And the blood is everywhere.

And he's dying, he's dying, he's dying, he's dying and she's dead, she's dead, she's dead, she's dead...

Something grabs him by the shoulders.

"HOLY F***ING BULGE-STABBING, NOOK-SNIFFING, SHIT-CRACKERS, TEREZI OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD NO, NO, MAKE IT STOP!"

"Karkat! Karkat!"

He gasped, breath sucked into him violently, his eyes snapping open to see Terezi's face hovering mere inches from his own. He shoved her away by reflex, nearly knocking her from the bed, and her expression communicated her shock at his harsh reaction and her worry about his sanity.

Her face. Her face. He could see her face. The blood was gone, and the clean sunlight trickled into the room from the cracks in the blue patterned curtains.

His body shook uncontrollably and he reached out convulsively with both arms, embracing her tightly, her hair sticking to his face but he didn't care, and he whispered her name over and over and over as though in prayer.

* * *

><p>Draco Malfoy woke up in a cold sweat.<p>

He couldn't remember the nightmare exactly, and with each passing second it became even harder to recall, but it was probably the same as usual. (A huge snake, hissing like broken pipes, a green, blinding green light, a woman's scream, and sometimes a fire roaring with a lion's face.) The nightmares were becoming fewer and father between since the Dark Lord's death, but he still couldn't seem to shake them completely.

After he got cleaned up and dressed in his personal bathroom, Draco walked down the halls and to the kitchen.

The kitchen was empty. They only had one house elf now, who was still asleep, and for some reason he didn't call it up to make him breakfast. Maybe he just wasn't hungry. Yes, that was it, he wasn't hungry. It was too early to be hungry.

He walked to the next room, feeling uncomfortably detached from the manor's lavish surroundings, and sat down at the oak dining table, before pulling out a crinkled Hogwarts letter. His eyes ran over the words without really seeing them; this room and this table made him almost hysterically uneasy, but this uneasiness was something he'd been trying to deny to himself the entire year. He'd get over this fear, _damn it_.

But after a few silent minutes, he stood and headed in the direction of the back garden, not bothering to push the chair back in.

There was still dew on the rose bushes. A bird fluttered overhead, which he took aim at and _Stupefied_. It fell to the ground ahead of him, and he walked up to it, letter in one hand and wand in another.

It was just a pigeon, lying at his feet, feathers astray and wing probably broken. He toed it gently with his foot, then crouched down to get a closer look at it.

"You sorry little bastard," he muttered, before standing back up and continuing on his way. He found an iron bench and dried it with his wand before settling down and rereading the letter.

_Mr. Draco Malfoy,_

_Your seventh official year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry will begin on September 1st. The past year will not count towards your graduation record, as it was influenced by outside complications, problematic teaching methods, and was disrupted altogether partway through the second term. Nevertheless, repairs on the castle are nearly complete, and you will be able to attend on schedule. We ask that you complete some background coursework on your subjects to prepare you for the NEWT level classes of your seventh year, as assigned by this year's staff..._

He crumpled it up with his fist and chucked it over the row of artistically trimmed hedges. Then he _Accio'd_ it back and carefully smoothed it out on his knee. Then he tore each page into pieces, before pointing his wand tip at it and muttering,

"_Reparo_."

The crinkled, frayed parchment immediately mended itself.

Draco scowled heavily, his eyebrows digging creases above his nosebridge. He knew he should go and complete his schooling, but he didn't want to face them all. They would all stare at him, he knew, and whisper about him, about his tattoo, and they would throw dirty looks at him when they thought he wasn't looking. Or worse, when they knew he could see.

And worst of all, they would all look at Potter in admiration. _Harry Potter_, the _Savior, _the _Chosen One_, the _Boy Who Lived_. What complete, utter rubbish.

That Potter, looking at him with disgust, but also with _pity_ (swooping back around the Fiendfyre to come save him; was he supposed to be grateful for that? There was no way in _hell_). It was enough to make him die of embarrassment.

Draco Malfoy roughly folded the letter over, shoved it into his pocket, and headed back toward the manor.

Lost in though as he was, he didn't notice the three thin trails of light that shot through the air behind him, nor the soft _boom_ as something landed not so far away.

* * *

><p>The breakfast table at the Weasley house was very quiet; there was only the clink of forks and knives against plates as the kitchen occupants ate. Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Weasley, Ginny, Karkat, and Terezi were present, but apparently Harry and Ron were both sleeping in.<p>

"Ginny, dear, why don't you go make sure that Ron and Harry are awake? Heaven knows we don't want to go to Diagon Alley late in the day. It'll be much too crowded and we won't have time to get all your things. Harry and Ron both must have grown another half-foot, and I know these two don't have any robes at all," she nodded toward the trolls, who gave no indication of having heard. Karkat, especially, was uncharacteristically silent, and was poking at his eggs more than eating them.

Ginny rolled her eyes and sighed before putting down her knife and fork and scurrying up the stairs.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley exchanged a glance. Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat a little and leaned forward on the table.

"Is there something wrong, Karkat?"

"No," he said shortly, picking up a piece of egg in his fork, only to have it slide off. He growled softly.

The two Weasleys exchanged a glance again.

"Early this morning... that is, we're sure we heard you screaming," Mr. Weasley said carefully, "You can tell us if you're having a problem. If it's... troll stuff, we'll do our best to understand."

"It isn't anything. It's so much of a f***ing _nothing_, in fact, that I'm looking into using it as a f***ing grime-sucking vacuum device to clean up my dusty as hell boring _blank_ of a life. I'm fine, alright? Cut it out with all the f***headed questions," he said roughly.

Mrs. Weasley frowned, "Please, Karkat, I would appreciate it if you used more appropriate language. I'm going to have to renew that Cuss Curse... It seems to not have been strong enough. It's worn off unusually quickly."

"Hehe, that's because Nubby here is the Cussing King himself, aren't you Nubby?" Terezi cut in, nudging Karkat with her elbow. He growled slightly again but otherwise didn't react.

"Terezi, could _you_ at least tell me what happened? I'm just afraid that you two are having trouble adjusting here, or, I don't know..."

"He just had a nightmare last night, Mr.. Weasley. A normal horror-terror or something," Terezi said lightly.

Karkat exploded like a container of highly combustible substance left forgotten in a food-cooking microwave device. He leaped to his feet, knocking his chair clean over, and slapped both his palms into the table.

"I F***ING _SAID_ IT WAS _NOTHING_, ALRIGHT? I DON'T NEED YOU BUNCH OF MUCUS-PICKING STINK WADS NOSING AROUND IN MY SHITTY-ASS _PROBLEMS_ OR WHATEVER, ALRIGHT? JUST LEAVE ME THE _HELL_ ALONE, I'M FINE F***ING _DANDY_, AND THE ONLY THING THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE THAT TODAY IS IF YOU KEEP POKING AND PROBING AT EVERYTHING UP MY _NOOK_ LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF F***ING FREAK SHOW AT A MENAGERIE OF FREAKS, _ALRIGHT_? SO YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE _HELL_ UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were leaned back in their chairs as far away as they could get from Karkat and his flammable temper. Terezi, on the other hand, who was quite accustomed to this sort of behavior from him, simply continued to eat the eggs on her plate as though nothing had happened. Karkat huffed loudly and picked up his chair, slamming it loudly upright before settling back down in it to continue eating his breakfast.

The ruckus had apparently summoned Harry, Ron, and Ginny in a hurry, but they had missed all but the tail end of the ear-splitting diatribe.

"Whoa, that was wicked," Ron muttered to Harry, just loud enough for them all to hear.

Mrs. Weasley, recovering from her shock, pulled out her wand and flicked it at Karkat. He didn't notice as his mouth glowed red as it had done the morning prior. Terezi sniffed the air and giggled a bit.

That was when Pigwidgeon careened through the window and into Ron's face as though he'd been shot out of a cannon. Karkat and Terezi looked up at the disturbance, but soon lost interest when they saw that it was simply a small bird.

Ron wrestled with Pigwidgeon a bit until he managed to hold him still, while Harry untied the small note on his foot. Ron then quickly snatched the letter from Harry ("Oi!") and began to read it, letting his owl free to zoom up the stairs and to its cage.

A grin broke across Ron's face.

"Hermione says she'll meet us in front of George's joke shop today," he said happily, waving the square of paper.

Mrs. Weasley suddenly became very still and quiet, and Mr. Weasley finished his breakfast and hurried out the door with a rushed, "Goodbye!"

Ron, realizing his mistake, glanced at Harry, who shrugged helplessly and sat down to eat.

The rest of the breakfast passed silently.

* * *

><p><span>(Begin Unrelated Flash-Forward Intermission for Breaking the Tension)<span>

"Hehe, flying, really? That sounds like fun. Count me in!"

"F*** no. As far as I know, 'broom' is a euphemism for some obscene human reproductive organ."

(End Unrelated Flash-Forward Intermission for Breaking the Tension)

* * *

><p>Hermione Granger Apparated into a side-street that fed into Diagon Alley, and her senses were immediately assaulted with the constant liveliness of the street, renewed to its old energy after the fall of Voldemort. Owls swooped overhead, cats slinked along the roofs, and a hundred or more magical shops had their front doors thrown wide open and welcoming, their varied wares on display in front of their shop windows.<p>

She hitched her bag higher up on her shoulder and began heading for Gringotts; she would need to exchange some currency before doing any shopping. After this, her first order of business would _have_ to be shopping for her books and supplies, and then she would look into buying one or two more new sets of robes, for some of her older ones were growing a little threadbare (her magical sewing skills were still not quite good enough to create an entire set of robes from scratch).

Once she got to the bookstore, she found that it already had several industrious Hogwarts students shopping for their textbooks. Hermione quickly found her books, and proceeded to browse some of the back shelves of the store, paying special attention to the _Magical Creatures_ section.

She pulled down a heavy volume from a high shelf that was titled, "_Ye Full Encyclopaedia of Peculiar Magikal Beings_," and flipped it open to the letter "T."

"Trolls," yielded nothing new to her vast knowledge; there were only several detailed entries describing the different subspecies of troll and where they inhabit the world. "Hominids," referred her to "Centaurs," "Doxies," "Faeries," "Giants," "Mermen," and back to "Trolls," none of whose subspecies fit the description that Ron had given her. She had no more luck with "Bipedal," although she did discover two magical bird types that she had not previously heard of. Sighing, she put the book back up on the shelf and browsed a few more volumes in vain before deciding that the investigation would likely yield better results at the Hogwarts library's far more expansive selection of books.

However, she was still reluctant to leave the store quite yet, and strolled down a few shelves looking for anything to catch her eye.

And then something did.

It was not a very thick book, but it's cover was large, dark and emblazoned with the bright white letters, "_The Trails and Trials of the Elder Wand_."

"Huh," she muttered to herself, smiling with nostalgia as she picked the volume up and regarded it. Hermione cracked the book open to a random page and skimmed her eyes over the top of the page.

_Chapter 3: The Deathstick.  
><em>_Historians agree that the Deathstick and the Elder Wand are one and the same..._

She turned to the next chapter.

_It is rumored that the Elder Wand is capable of reversing any spell it casts. Like much of the lore that surrounds the wand, however, there is not documented evidence that shows..._

Hermione flipped a few tens of pages later and came to the middle of another chapter.

_Descriptions of the Elder Wand vary; most accept that it is a standard wand made of elder, but several historic sources state that the Wand of Destiny had the appearence of a white rod, and in this incarnation the Elder Wand was wielded by Nadire the Great, who brought much hope and prosperity to his subjects until one day he was brutally murdered by..._

She flipped a few more pages into the book.

_There is some deliberation as to the true origins of the Elder Wand; indeed, the generally accepted theory that Death himself created and handed it over to mankind as one of the Deathly Hallows does seem peculiar, even outlandish. Some hypothesize that the Elder wand has its origins from the hands of a remarkably skilled wand-maker, while others believe that it was created, or perhaps unveiled, by some unidentified magical being or spirit that the Peverells mistook as being Death..._

She closed the book and put it back in its place before returning to the front of the store to pay for her school texts.

* * *

><p>The Weasleys and the trolls were waiting for Harry to get his robes fitted. They had completed all their book and supply shopping, and Ron had Apparated back to the Burrow to drop off the load of goods.<p>

Karkat slouched in the waiting chair next to Terezi, his arms crossed and his foot tapping. He wore a deliberately glum scowl on his face, his eyes flickering restlessly across the room. Terezi was having an animated conversation with Ginny about their favorite colors, which Ginny was reciprocating with about as much enthusiasm was polite.

"Candy red is the B3ST, hands-down and nose-up. It's 4BSOLUT3LY D3L1C1OUS!"

"I really like pink, actually. People always say that it's a stupid girly color, but it's cheerful and happy. I don't know why you'd look down on it."

"It smells alright," said Terezi generously, "and it's delicious, like the troll delicacy: cotton candy. But I like lavender more than pink. It's fun that the names of color and the smell match up!" She tapped her cane happily between her feet.

Karkat groaned, pinching his nose bridge between two fingers. This whole _day_ was getting on his nerves, in the same hair-pulling way the Rainbow Rumpus Party Town board tended to irritate him. Ron chose that moment to clumsily Apparate onto Karkat's chair, stepping on the troll's shoulder with one foot and narrowly missing his bulge with the other.

"Whoops. Sorry, mate," said Ron, jumping off Karkat and onto the floor, "I'm not used to Apparating here."

"ALRIGHT YOU MINUSCULE FLECK OF SHI-ack!" Karkat found his voice cut off unmercifully by the morning's Cuss Curse, and he coughed and heaved violently, trying to regain control of his speaking capabilities.

Just as he reigned in his gagging, the door opened with a soft tinkle of the bell that was tied to it, and a tall blond boy with a pointed face and a vague resemblance to the human, Dave Strider, stepped in. All the Weasleys and Harry Potter froze, staring at the boy, who, upon noticing the troupe of redheaded occupants of the store, simply narrowed his eyes and stepped back out with a rude upturn of his nose.

"Who the fu... I mean, who was that blonde-headed blister?" Karkat asked to the room at large, before the momentary silence had faded.

"That's Draco Malfoy," Ron growled, his fists clenched, "and he's a stupid, fat _git_ who thinks he's on top of the rest of the world. The _git_," he added venomously, for additional emphasis.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Harry chimed in from across the room, "And you forgot bigoted, egotistical, block-headed prat, Ron."

"That too."

"You sure you two aren't waxing black for him?" Karkat asked, raising his eyebrows a little.

"What?" Ron asked, with a confused look on his face.

Terezi giggle-cackled softly.

"You stupid humans," Karkat muttered, slouching back into his seat, "Your romances are so linear and vapid."

"_WHAT?"_

"Just get fitted for your flouncy black princess funeral dress already so we can all get out of this dingy little vomit-infested hovel. I'm getting a massive, space-splitting headache of the kind prognosticated by the gods, _eons_ in advance of their hatching, from all the slack-jawed stares we're getting from these human morasses-GLAFJDK."

"You know you're going to have to buy some robes too," Ron said, grinning widely as Karkat continued to gag on his tongue.

Karkat, between gasps, managed to valorously brandish his middle finger at him in response.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 3<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Ugh, that doesn't feel like a good place to stop at all, but this thing has run rather long, and I'm not sure how much longer I'd have ended up writing if I didn't cut it off at some point. Sorry.

Is it just me, or does Draco/Harry seem ripe for blackrom? Their canon relationship seems to fit the bill, except for the romantic attraction bit. xD lol. Pairings like that aren't really my thing though, so that won't be transpiring in this fic. I'm just musing out loud here.

So anyway, I'm quite happy with this chapter! :D I actually pulled off some of more of those POV switches I'd said I'd do, and things are starting to happen, yay. Or, if not yet, they are almost starting to happen, lol. :B

After much thought about adding in more trolls (with Draco to help them xD; that's partly where the Draco-scene here is from), and writing almost an entire chapter's worth of Sollux, Kanaya, and Feferi to try it out, I decided against it... And then I decided I would do it after all, but none of the other trolls will get nearly as much attention as Karkat and Terezi. :( Sorry guys. I just want to focus on the two of them and their interactions with the HP world, and make sure I don't do a halfway job of that because I'm trying to work in a bunch of extra characters.

Also, spewing out this chapter took quite a bit out of me, so it'll take quite a while for the next one to come up. I hope you don't mind too much.

Anyway, review please? :3 Please? Even you anonymous people. I love all the reviews. All of them.


	4. Chapter 4: Rainbow Magic and 4 Arrivals

**Note**: Trivia tidbit: Chapter 3 was over 5,000 words long (according to ffnet's weird calculations). Like whoa. I don't think I've ever written anything that long in a single chapter or oneshot. And this one is even longer by a couple hundred or so. 0_0

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 4:<p>

* * *

><p><span>(A Bit About Wand-Choosing That Bears Mentioning)<span>

When Karkat and Terezi went to go buy their wands, it took a lot of persuading to convince Ollivander that selling wands to a pair of trolls was legal, but he finally consented when they waved some Hogwarts paperwork in his face. As the two of them proceeded to make a runaway train wreck out of his shop by trying out the different wands he presented to them, Mrs. Wealsey and Ginny went down the street to buy potions supplies for everyone, leaving Harry and Ron to supervise.

They beat a hasty retreat after Terezi's wand finally accepted her lovingly, with a _shoosh_ of warm air to her face and a celebratory surge of bright teal fire that instantaneously lit half the store aflame.

The two trolls threw down their money and beat a hasty retreat out the front door.

* * *

><p>Luna Lovegood dipped her toes into the stream by her house, watching the ripples in the water intently for any sign of Gulping Plimpies. They weren't as plentiful this time of year, of course, but she wasn't about to miss a chance to have delicious Plimpy soup just because the weather wasn't ideal. She leaned forward on the rock she was sitting on, running her fingers into the water and wriggling them hopefully; maybe the Plimpies would think they were worms and would come out from under the stones in the stream bed for a nibble.<p>

Suddenly, a spear of light shot down from the sky, and something landed in the stream, close enough for her to see it was a person, and scatter the water into the air as he or she made impact with the creekbed.

Quickly, Luna pulled her fingers from the water and rolled up the cuffs of her pants a few more times, before wading downstream to the person who had fallen, careful not to twist her ankle on the uneven and slippery footing.

He was a he, she was sure, and he had grey skin, masses of black hair, and a pair of long, orange horns sticking up from the top of his head.

Luna bit her lip thoughtfully and looked down at him, trying to place the features in her vast knowledge of magical creatures. Suddenly, his body slipped a little, letting ice-cold water wash up dangerously close to his mouth and nose. That simply would not do. She pulled her wand from behind her ear and levitated him out of the water, depositing him on the slope of grass next to the stream, before scurrying up the hill to get a closer look.

Yes... the grey skin, the orange horns... Clearly this was a specimen of the elusive Skaian Troll, better known as the Sky-Troll, that her father had told her about. At least, she remembered that her father had told her about them. Or maybe it was just something she once saw in her crystal ball during Divination Class. It's hard to tell with memories, sometimes.

She strolled back to the stream to gather her shoes and socks, before returning to the Skaian Troll and levitating him with a flick of her wand. It was only polite to take him in until he woke up, after all. The Gulping Plimpies could wait.

* * *

><p>"Hermione! Hey, HERMIONE! Look, Harry, there she is!"<p>

Terezi pulled her nose out of a display of intoxicating, lime-colored flowers and sniffed in the direction of Ron's waving arm. She couldn't really tell which of the many people down the road was Hermione, but it seemed that Ron was pointing in the direction of a lovely grapeberry-scented building with huge plumes of vibrant color wafting out of it. She grinned in appreciation at the loud display.

"Ron!" she heard a female voice call happily, "Harry! Ginny!"

The group bumped along down the crowded street toward the welcoming doors of the delicious building. Terezi held her cane out in front of her, cackling merrily whenever she felt it rap sharply against Karkat's heels, and ignored the strange stares that passers-by were giving her. When the group finally made it in front of the shop, Terezi was better able to pick out the soft perfume and chocolatey scent of the human Hermione's abundant hair. The humans embraced one another in greeting, causing Karkat to grumble with irritation and discomfort, but Terezi paid them no mind, instead pressing both her nose and tongue to the window-display of the shop.

She nearly fainted at the overload of delectable flavors and smells. Everything behind the window was exploding and flaring up with bright, color-imbued sparks and flashing trails of the sweetest candy light. She sighed with contentment and continued to lick at the glass, leaving trails of drool everywhere. She would never leave this window willingly.

"Terezi. Cut it out. Terezi! TEREZI! GODDAMN-ARG!" Karkat clawed at his own neck with both hands, shuddering and leaning over to gasp at the ground.

Ron laughed uproariously at the spectacle and Harry did so too, but to a lesser degree. Terezi didn't care. She had died and gone to tongue and nose were permanently melded to this delicious window of rainbow magic.

* * *

><p>Hermione's happiness and excitement at meeting back up with her friends was soon overswept by curiosity and befuddlement. The two trolls that Harry and Ron had written about were right there, in the flesh, presumably to buy school supplies of their own. They were just as Ron had described, with orange horns, and gray skin, and one of them was right then gagging on his own tongue by the force of a strong Cuss Curse.<p>

She stepped away from Ron, whom she'd just embraced, and tentatively approached the troll.

"Hello?"

He finally straightened up and wiped away a fleck of spittle from the corner of his mouth, scowling fire at her.

"Yeah?" he snarled.

"Um, so was your name Carcat?"

"Yeah," he grunted, and glanced away from her to the female troll who was drawing a lot of stares for her apparent attraction to the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes display. "TEREZI, I SAID CUT IT OUT WITH YOUR DISTURBINGLY SLOPPY MAKE-OUTS WITH THAT WINDOW ALREADY." The female troll, Terezi, paid him no mind and continued lapping at the glass. Carcat sighed heavily.

"And you're a troll, correct?" Hermione pressed.

"Yeah," he glared back at her with glowing orange eyes, "Do all these pedantic questions serve any purpose other than to flaunt your somewhat disconcerting knowledge like some overeager cluckbeast in a knowledge-spattered leotard? Honestly, if you know so much, I'd fu... I'd very much prefer if you kept your corpulent, unattractive, smartass-BLUH!" he broke off with a violent retching sound and doubled over without uttering another syllable.

Hermione glanced around, hoping for some more explanation, but no one seemed particularly keen to provide it.

"Come on," said Ginny finally, "Let's go inside and see what new goods there are this year! Terezi! I know you'll love the pygmy puffs! George told me that they've bred a whole rainbow of them now."

"Hehe, you had me at 'rainbow'!" Terezi exclaimed, pulling herself away from the window.

Ginny seemed to have taken it upon herself to guide Terezi, and Hermione immediately joined the pair as they entered the joke shop. Perhaps Terezi would be more receptive to questioning that Carcat was. Hermione glanced over her shoulder and noticed that the male troll was trailing behind them through the crowd of people in the store, apparently reluctant to split up with Terezi. Harry and Ron were making a beeline towards the far end of the shop to examine updated selection of Skiving Snackboxes and prank items, while Ginny was steering Terezi around the displays by the elbow as the troll sniffed and cackled hyperactively at each new item that bounced, fluttered, or otherwise passed by. Herminone sped up to match their pace.

"See? There they are, Terezi." Ginny pointed at a cage full of small balls of vibrantly colored fur. A pointy toothed grin promptly split Terezi's face like a rift and she lurched forward to sniff vehemently between the bars.

"OH, J3GUS! There's a C4NDY R3D ON3! I'm going to DROOL a f***ing R1V3R!"

"God, Terezi, would you lay off your disturbing color fetish for JUST ONE NORMAL, UNSCREWED-TIMELINE SECOND?" Carcat asked, finally making it through the crowd and pushing up next to them.

"Can you buy these? That C4NDY R3D one is mine!"

"OH HOLY BULGE-JUICE, NO!"

Hermione glared sideways at Carcat. She was liking him less with every vile word he uttered.

"Sure, they're for sale, after all," Hermione said matter-of-factly to Terezi.

"GR3AT!" Terezi reached up with one hand and – Hermione blinked – pulled a large, quasi-rectangular card out of thin air.

"Wait, where did you...?" Hermione gasped, as Terezi scratched the back of the card with one finger and sniffed it a bit.

"Hehehe, yup, this is the one!" she exclaimed, and suddenly an impressive collection of galleons tumbled out of the card and scattered at their feet. "Whoops!"

"Jegus PYROPE!" Carcat growled, before kneeling down and collecting the coins for her in an uncharacteristic display of chivalry. But he quickly recovered from these pleasant mannerisms when a young child approached one of the coins curiously and he screamed at her, "IF YOU SO MUCH AS _TOUCH_ THAT WITH YOUR PINK, GRUBBY LITTLE MEAT-FINGERS, I'LL RAGE-PUNT YOU _SO HARD_ OUT THE FRONT WINDOW YOU'LL HAVE GLASS STUCK WAY DOWN IN THE DEPTHS OF YOUR VASCULAR DIGESTIVE POUCH UNTIL _ETERNITY_ FALLS APART AT THE PARADOXICAL _CORNERS_!" The young girl was so frightened, she scurried away before she could even think of crying.

"Carcat!" Hermione exclaimed angrily, "That's no way to treat a child."

"Oh, shut your repulsive face already," he grumbled, cradling the stacks of coins carefully as he got back to his feet, "How many of these gold things for that ugly sack of furry red stench then?"

"Just... one," Ginny said, her eyes wide as she regarded the treasure horde.

Terezi snatched up a gold coin and held out the card, which Karkat dumped the rest of the galleons onto. They all disappeared into its surface, only to show up as an image on the front. She then lifted the card back up over her head and let go. It promptly vanished.

"How did you do that?" Hermione asked, fascinated, "It looks somewhat like it could be a layered vanishing and summoning spell imbued into a dimensionally expanded item, but that's some incredibly complex magic..."

"It's just a normal captchalogue card," Terezi said, "The humans we knew all had them. Don't you?"

Hermione shook her head in bewilderment.

"Heh," Terezi said, sounding utterly unconcerned, "Well, just one of those dimensional differences, I guess."

* * *

><p>When Gamzee opened his eyes, he was in an environment that was all unfamiliar and shit. He snarled as he threw the constraining layers of cloth from his body and all up and put his feet down on the ground already, feeling motherf***ing crappy and painful in his think pan. Where was the slime?<p>

Oh, right, he'd motherf***ing FORGOTTEN, IF YOU COULD BELIEVE IT.

The stuff rots your think pan.

EATS IT ALL UP LIKE A HUNGRY LITTLE MOTHERF***ER AS YOU LOOK INTO IT LIKE WHOA, MOTHERF***ER, SLOW THE MOTHERF***ING DOWN ALREADY.

But it doesn't, does it?

"Hello! What is your name?"

Gamzee twitched and growled, whipping his head around to glare at the diminutive little MOTHERF***ING HUMAN, I HATE HUMANS, THE BLASPHEMOUS LITTLE MOTHERF***ERS.

"Gamzee motherf***ing Makara, sweetheart," he grinned, fangs flashing white, "WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BLOOD, HUMAN?"

"Oh, it's red," she said conversationally, setting down a tray of tea onto the bed stand, "Most humans have red blood, if I'm not very much mistaken. Although some people affected with Whiffling Bloodyringer venom can get an orange tint to their blood."

"Where's the motherf***ing point in that," he snarled, eyes narrowing, "WHAT'S THE MOTHERF***ING POINT OF PAINTING IN ONE COLOR?"

"Oh, painting in one color can be difficult, that's true," said the human, pulling up a chair and sitting right next to him, "But the end result can be beautiful, all the same."

Gamzee stared at her. He stared at this human with the flighty hair and the wide motherf***ing eyes and the radishes dangling from her ears.

"I'll kill you," he said softly, "I'LL MOTHERF***ING SPILL OUT ALL YOUR BLOOD. And then we'll see, just how beautiful of a wicked motherf***ing picture I can paint with your human red. AND THEN WE'LL MOTHERF***ING SEE WHO WAS RIGHT ALL A MOTHERF***ING LONG."

Gamzee lunged, hands groping for her neck, ready RIP HER HEAD OFF LIKE A MOTHERF***ING FAYGO CAP, but she flicked her wand, and he froze, mid-roar, his eyes burning red like the paint of human hearts, as she delicately picked up a teacup from the bed stand and gently pressed the rim of it to his snarling lips.

"Drink it," she said, smiling faintly, "Pacification Potion. It'll make you feel better."

AND HE MOTHERF***ING DID.

And it did.

HoNk.

* * *

><p>Mrs. Weasley had invited Hermione over for dinner at the Burrow, and she'd accepted, but not before Apparating home and letting her parents know.<p>

Everyone enjoyed the food immensely, and after the meal, the Hogwarts students (trolls and humans alike) settled down in Ron's bedroom. Ginny and Terezi were having a very enthusiastic nail-polishing session, while Harry, Ron, and Hermione discussed the new Hogwarts year amongst themselves. Karkat was sitting against the wall with his letter out, his eyes flicking over the words as he read.

_The unique situations that surround your attendance leaves a lot of grey area, but we have been alerted of the necessity of your schooling with us, and hope that you will find the following arrangements to be reasonable._

_As we are aware that your knowledge of magic is most likely not perfectly synchronized with the standards of your age group, you will be given an examination upon your arrival at Hogwarts. The test will simply identify your current knowledge, strengths, and weaknesses, so that you will be able to choose your classes in accordance with your ability and skills set. Any supplies you may need to purchase after you are placed in the classes will be covered by your professors, although we do request that you bring at least your wand, as well as some monetary compensation for the cost of your supplies._

_As for board, you may stay in the same dormitory as the age group that we have been notified you to be. You will stay with the eighth year students, which will be between seventeen and nineteen years of age. We have been alerted that this is the correct correlation to your natural age of eight sweeps._

_Eight sweeps. Eight sweeps._ Karkat narrowed his eyes. Just what the fudge-f*** did this all mean? The last wriggling day he could remember living was his sixth, when he began playing Sgrub with the rest of them. He did think it was strange that he'd managed to just barely clear Terezi in height, and that their horns hand lengthened a bit, and a higher sweep count would explain that, but that didn't mean it didn't confuse him. He'd had a nasty shock that morning when he looked in the mirror and realized that his grey eyes were starting to get a bright red tinge to them. (Terezi managed to calm down his screamed streams of expletives at that. With some time. Quite a lot of time.) So did he and Terezi age when they passed into this world? That wasn't exceedingly unreasonable – Paradox Space was nothing if not lavish with it's think-pan-warping-time-shenanigans. But who was it that had "alerted" Hogwarts of his and Terezi's "necessity" to attend a school of magic?

_You will be sorted into your House along with all the first-year students, so please follow along with the first-year students once the train arrives at Hogsmede. Be sure to be wearing your school robes for when you enter the school._

He shuffled to the next page which was listed with general school rules of conduct. Most of them confused him. Why did they have to wear "robes," for instance? That was just good old-fashioned bullshit. Who the f*** even _cared_ what he toted around on his scrawny as f*** skeletally supported frame so long as it wasn't mentally scarring? But the ban on public displays of romantic affection he could understand, after having made a similar rule during their time on the meteor when he finally got sick of having his ocular spheres constantly abused with spontaneous sloppy makeout scenes across the lab.

Karkat folded up the letter and shoved it into his pocket. He then eyed a thin strip of wood that he'd left lying next to him. The ancient, frail human at the shop that looked like he could drop dead at any moment had said, "Nine inches of hickory heartwood, resilient, unicorn hair core." Karkat had tried to tell him that he didn't want a f***ing pansy-ass unicorn hair in his shitty little magic gesturing twig, thank you very much, but he'd been cut off at "f***ing." Stupid Cuss Curse. He picked it up and examined it a bit, rolling it in his hand. He had to admit, he did find it tolerable if not likeable, although it pissed him off that it shot red sparks when he waved it. Couldn't it have a bit of f***ing _discretion_?

Terezi had gotten ten and a half inches of cherry wood, with a dragon heartstring core. So predictable, he didn't even muster the energy to roll his eyes at it.

"Ron, you should really begin some of your summer reading. There's just so much of it! I'm so afraid I won't be prepared enough for NEWT level."

Karkat twirled his wand in his hand, listening in on the conversation.

"Aw, come off it Hermione! We have months before school starts," Ron pulled a Quidditch magazine from beneath his bed and folded it open.

"You're going to regret putting it off," she warned.

"We _know_, Hermione," Harry laughed, "It'll be the same as always."

"NEWT level is much more difficult than all our other years, you know!"

"Worse than OWL, you reckon?" Harry asked, sounding less apprehensive than he perhaps should have been, leaning relaxed against the side of Ron's bed.

"Of couse! From what I've read, they make you do interpretive magic, instead of just feeding us all the potions and spells to memorize. We'll be solving real-life problems with applied previous knowledge of spellwork, as well as the general rules of magic they've been teaching us all these years," her voice sounded both worried and excited.

Ron and Harry groaned loudly at the prospect.

Karkat started when Terezi's pygmy puff (unsurprisingly christened "Sir Candy Delicious") suddenly crawled onto his knee.

"Get off," he snarled. It churred at him a little and its repugnantly colored fluff stood on end. He poked it with the tip of his wand, making it squeak and shuffle back away to Terezi.

"Well, I really should be heading home now," Hermione said, getting to her feet, "I'll just go downstairs and thank Mrs. Weasley for the lovely dinner, and then I'll be off."

"I'll walk you down there," said Ron immediately, and the two of them exited the room. Harry stayed behind, watching the door close after them.

* * *

><p>Harry watched the door close behind his two friends, feeling a little put off that they clearly expected him to stay behind. He was happy for them, of course, but it was awkward feeling like a horse's fifth leg half the time. And what would happen if they decided to break up? It would surely be even worse than the painful period a couple years ago when Ron started snogging Lavender Brown at every possible opportunity.<p>

"Why don't you go after them, f***ass?" called the troll from across the room, making Harry jerk his head a little in surprise, "Aren't they your parasitic little human friendship victims?"

Harry quirked his eyebrow a little. Apparently the Cuss Curse had worn off already, even faster than it had the day before. He sighed, not feeling at all in the mood to be on the receiving end of this bad-tempred alien's colorful expletives. He shrugged noncommittally.

"Yeah, they're my friends alright," he said, scuffing one shoe with the other in an attempt to rub away a smear on the toe.

"So? Isn't giving sloppy as hell embraces and yelling 'BYE I'LL F***ING MISS YOUR REVOLTING SWEAT STENCH,' part of your customs or something?"

"No," Harry said, unconsciously dropping a small smirk, "But it is considered polite to slap people your friends across the face when you go your separate ways."

"...That's f***ing moronic. Human relationships are so weird."

Harry fought the urge to let his grin consume his face. There was nothing quite like pranking people to bring the edge off an uncomfortable situation. Turning his head away, he stared absentmindedly at where Terezi and Ginny were giggling as they sat on his mattress and painted their toenails with fresh bottles of nail polish that they had bought in Diagon Alley. He watched as a strand of Ginny's firey hair fell in front of her face and she pushed it back behind her ear with the heel of her hand.

Suddenly Carcat let out a sharp, strange sound that sounded like a cross between a grunt and a hiss. Harry's gaze snapped back to him.

"I get it," said the troll, "They're like human matesprits, and you're being a friendly, considerate bastard by giving them time alone to themselves."

Harry had not ever heard the term 'matesprits' used before, but he could guess, correctly, what it meant.

"Yeah, I guess," Harry said, shrugging, and looking back at Ginny. She was laughing and lifting her foot off the ground, keeping her freshly painted toes away from Arnold and Sir Candy Delicious, who were attempting to cuddle with her feet.

Just then, Ron strolled back into the room, humming and looking exceedingly happy. He flopped back down on his bed and stared dreamily at the ceiling a bit. Harry did his best not to notice. The silence in the room was broken only by the soft whispers and giggles of the two girls.

"Hey, do you have any magical, sparkly-ass textbooks I could bore my bulge with while I wait for the next shitty thing to happen?" Carcat asked Harry.

"Sure," said Harry, immediately getting to his feet and moving to open the large trunk that was jammed at the foot of Ron's bed. He dug through the mess inside until he got to a stack of old school books.

"Er, do you want Charms, Potions, Herbology, Transfiguration, or a Standard Book of Spells?"

"The f***? How am I supposed to know?" asked Carcat, moving over to peer into the trunk himself. "Just hand me that last one then."

"Sure."

"Hermione has a miniature library of books, you know. You reckon she'll come over again soon?" Ron asked.

"I'll keep that that thought stored in my think pan and get back to you on it," Carcat said dryly, hefting the book under his arm and heading for the door.

"TEREZI, I'LL BE IN OUR ROOM."

"OK4Y NUBSY!"

* * *

><p>Later, when Karkat attempted to use an enlarging spell on a sock that was lying on the floor, it exploded spectacularly into a ball of red flames.<p>

"WHY THE F***ING HELL DOES EVERY NOOK-LICKING PIECE OF SHIT HAVE TO BE _RED_?"

* * *

><p>He was dreaming again.<p>

This time, he was standing in his respiteblock, slashing his sickles through the air in front of him. Suddenly, one cut his hand, and glowing red dripped from it slowly. He tried to stem the flow, but it only got stronger and stronger, blood coating him from head to toe until he had no choice but to suck it into his brachial breathing sacs.

Somehow, he couldn't drown.

Everything around him burned red and thick, the stars shining white-hot with the color and the deep space all the blacker with its soupy hue. He hugged himself, trying to squeeze his eyes shut, but he couldn't; it was the same vision within his eyelids too. The piercing, jagged wrench of his friends screams broke through the rumbling moan of the outer rim gods floating around him, and bubbles of the brightest red floated up past his outstretched hands as he spun desperately in every direction.

The meteor was below him, and he swam through his blood to reach it, following a thin trail of bright sparks that was quickly fading into the red.

Then everything was torn with electric green.

And Terezi's body was floating in a lake of teal.

And Karkat's body was left swimming in a sea of red.

Karkat convulsed violently and opened his eyes to a dark bedroom, Terezi's soft, slightly ragged breathing whispering in his ears. Judging from the sound of it, she must have been having bad nightmares too. He sat up and dragged at his hair with both hands, clenching his teeth until his whole skull felt the tension. As quietly as he could, he stood up from the bed and left the room, silently crawling down the stairs and shutting himself in a closet to read a spellbook by the mercifully white light of his wand.

* * *

><p>Sollux groaned and opened his eyes to a spray of white stars.<p>

"2hiit," he muttered, "What happened?"

He blinked blearily several times, wondering why his surroundings looked so strangely distorted, and sat up, trying to ignore the pounding in his head. As the soreness in his body and think pan began to fade, he continued to scan the area, blinking hard in an attempt to clear his quavering eyesight. Quite suddenly, he became aware of a tight feeling around his eyes.

"Whoa, what the f***? FF's goggles?" He peeled the goggles away from his head and stared down at them in confusion for a minute, before shrugging and pulling his customary dual-tinted glasses out of his sylladex and settling them onto the bridge of his nose.

"Much better," he muttered to himself, glancing around once again at the unfamiliar surroundings. Strangely shaped hedges loomed around him, a pair of bodies lay not far from the slight depression he'd woken up in, and a marble statue of a rather ugly, if lavishly overdecorated, warrior stood to his right...

Wait, hold up the freak show for one godamn minute. A pair of bodies?

Sollux crawled on his hands and knees over to the bodies, and sighed with relief when he recognized one to be Feferi. A moment later, he groaned with exasperation when he saw that the other was Eridan. Great. Just his luck.

"Feferi? FF?" He touched Feferi's hand gently, keeping his voice low so as to not wake the other troll, but she didn't react. "Feferi? Hey, wake up already."

Frowning, he shook her shoulders a little, but her body lay as still as though it were dead. No, no, she couldn't be dead. His heart skipped with apprehension as he pressed his ear to her chest, but there was a rhythm there, soft but steady. He sighed and draped her goggles over her hand, before glancing over at Eridan.

Nope, he didn't need to check and see if that little asswipe was alive. There was absolutely no need. None. If there had ever been any slight amount of need, he'd shot it dead with a healthy beam of psionic light long ago. And then blasted it again, for good measure.

Case in point; the moron was waking up already.

Eridan groaned a whiny and melodramatic groan that made Sollux sick to his stomach. Of course. Of _course_ it had to be this guy to wake up before FF. The sea-troll blinked open his eyes and stared dazedly up at the sky, before his eyes turned and zeroed in on Sollux. It seemed to take him a few moments to recognize the psionic's face, before his lips parted in a razor-sharp smile and he pushed himself into a sitting position.

"Hey, Sol, wwhat're you doin' here? Are you _lonely_ or somethin'?"

"2hut that nookhole you call a mouth, Eriidan, and take a look around."

Eridan complied, his head turning back and forth and a frown forming on his face as he took in his surroundings.

"Wwhere are wwe?"

"F*** if I know," shrugged Sollux.

"Wait, is that Fef?"

"Yeah."

"Why's she asleep?"

"Dude, you were asleep just a second ago."

"I was?"

"You're a f***ing idiot for not realizing that, that's what you are."

Eridan huffed and pulled his cloak tighter around him, curling his knees up to his chest.

"Wwatevver."

They sat there uncomfortably for a few minutes, on either side of Feferi's unconscious body, staring in opposite directions. Sollux dug his nails into the dirt next to him, scrawling a poor caricature of Aradia's face on the ground, before scuffing it out with the end of his shoe. Sighing, he pulled his communication device from his sylladex and took a look at the user list. Oddly enough, half of the team was invisible, while caligulasAquarium, carcinoGeneticist, cuttlefishCuller, gallowsCalibrator, and terminallyCapricious were shown to be offline. Did this mean that they were around here somewhere?

"What do we do now, Sol?"

"Wait for her to wake up, I guess. And then we can go look for the rest of them. At least, some of them should be around here somewhere."

And that's what they did. But she would not wake until the sun had risen fully in the sky.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 4<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: This chapter did give me plenty of trouble, bluh. I guess it's pretty much the other half of chapter 3 that I felt should be written after all. Uh, sorry about that. D: But on the other hand, I don't think it was all around bad or anything. :P This also took a while because I was working out the structure a few future chapters would, to make sure that everything would be able to work out. Don't wanna cram all the trolls in too quickly or slowly, after all.

And choosing the woods of their wands took way longer than it should've. But it's all about the details, guys.

Also, the most recent Homestuck update (today, 12 of Nov, 2011) pretty much made the whole premise behind the plot of this fic irrelevant and mostly useless. *facepalm x2 combo* Dangit, Hussie. How dare you be so good at wrapping up loose ends? But oh well, I'm gonna keep writing this anyway. And nah-nah-nee-nah-nah I bet you guys still won't be able to tell where this story's going, even with that hint. B) "lolwhut?" you say? Don't worry too much about it. :P

_Review_? :3


	5. Chapter 5: Space, Time, and Soap

**Note**: I really like the number 5. So I told myself this better be good. But you guys can be the judges of that. :P Oh, I think the speaker in the first section should be clear enough, but let me know if you don't get it 'cuz it means _I_ _am doing it wrong_.

Oh and to answer some of those questions: I am not planning to use the human kids in this, as much as I love them. It's already getting pretty crowded with ten extra characters to handle. And there's also the (somewhat dented and crushed) plot to think of. And yes, Vriska will make an appearance. However, she will be fashionably and spectacularly late. I'm not yet sure if I'll work Aradia in, but I might. Not sure. :B I think I will.

Also, I've been forgetting to profess my_ colossal gratitude_ for you guys' comments, favs, alerts and stuff. :'D It really makes me excited that you guys like this, although kinda nervous too, 'cuz now I feel like I can't just up and stop this or anything, there are PEOPLE WHO CARE. Joy is a double-edged spork. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? OK LAME JOKE SORRY MOVING ON.)

Also this is (again) the longest chapter yet. CLEARED 6,300 GUYS. I dunno how much longer I'll be able to keep up with this growing-chapter-length trend. xB

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 5:<p>

* * *

><p>Since it seems that my preferred mode of conversation tends to cause mild brain trauma to my charge, I'll will attempt to condense a few infinitesimal drops of my knowledge into this rather hindering format known as "language." As such, I apologize if my words are anything less than straightforward to follow.<p>

Now, to the topic at hand. Why would I write a long letter to a far-flung realm in an alternate reality? I am a busy being, after all.

The short explanation is as follows: Because I can.

Oh? That is not enough to satisfy your genetically ingrained curiosity? Fine. Then allow me to provide you with the more thorough, if slightly circuitous explanation.

From the moment the circumstances that would result in my birth passed through the dredges of alien time and into the realm of existence, I was destined to be the servant and master to the flow of time and space. I have also known of another "master" in a position arguably "above" me; he is the master of Time, and his own passage into existence in our realm is as inevitable as the obliteration of the universe for which I was created as a Guardian. If I were a lesser individual of a more mortal class, or in other words, if I were an entity such as yourself (but don't take that offensively, I really do mean it with the best of benevolent intentions), I would perhaps ponder whether or not my actions as the Guardian of my world were necessary for the rise of this master, or rather the death of our universe and his rise to power are inevitable, no matter my actions.

Haha!

That was a joke, you see. At least, I believe it could fall under the brand of irony that some humans refer to as "humor." An omnipotent being such as myself is not nearly short-sighted enough to ponder such things in great length. Most of the sentient beings I Guard pass through their lives with a rigid, linear notion of time, but unlike them, I am aware that time and space are inherently interconnected with existence in a way that should, in fact, come close to making the words synonymous. Allow me to put it this way: people, places, and events exist in space, and they also exist in time in much the same manner; they are always there, somewhere. Now, the notion for time is the same. People, places, and events exist in time, and they also exist in space in much the same manner; they are always there, sometime.

WOOF!61.2KVNLEAK^~MVSTNEZ%FPTPGMSCAM:413JE)DSRLJH!JH!JH!3

Whoops, I apologize once more. It is difficult to constrain myself to these simple characters and linear idea communication. Please bear with me.

You still do not comprehend it, do you? I suppose I shall have to make myself more clear. What is time? Take a moment, please, and try to think of a solid answer. No, please, take another moment. Pause for a second, look away from the screen, and think of an answer to this question: what is time? Ready? As it turns out, time to a mortal is simply the perceived amount of space that passes between the occurrence of two separate events. What is space? Think of your own answer now, you should be starting to get it. Yes. The amount of space is perceived as being the amount of time it takes to pass between the points of two separate locations. Space and time are not as different as you might think.

Now that we have made clear this background knowledge, let us return to the point I was planning to make from the start. There is no such thing as inevitability, fate, or destiny, because everything that has and will ever exist is, in reality, already in existence. To you, it will simply seem as though you haven't arrived there yet, and thus the illusion that you will be able to change what happens in the next unit of space. Give it some time and space, and the "inevitable" will always occur, because it is already happening in that specific point in space and time.

All this may be disheartening for you to hear. WOOF!JH!JH!33WOOFJADE! Ahem, I am sorry.

But I assure you, "disheartening" is just as illusory a term as "inevitable."

After all, if everything that has happened and will happen is already happening, then it follows (admittedly in an secondary, overshadowed leap of logic that is not strictly linear, I do hope your linear mind does not hold this against the concept) that everything that would've happened and could've happened (from your viewpoint) is already happening as well. The "master," the Lord of Time, simply chooses from these possible points of events and locations and strings them together in a way that suits him.

And if I were a lesser individual of a more mortal class, in other words, if I were an entity such as yourself (and again, please do not take offense, there is nothing remotely wrong with the limited abilities you have), I would perhaps draw the conclusion (through another nonlinear stretch of logic) that we all have the similar capabilities to pick and choose. This power is not assigned exclusively to apocalyptic harbingers of destruction, but to each and every intelligent entity in each and every extraneous instant of existence.

And this is the explanation as to why I would write a long letter to a far-flung realm in an alternate reality.

Again, I restate: because I can.

Haha!

* * *

><p>Ron awakened abruptly to the sound of someone throwing open a trunk at the foot of his bed. He mumbled into his pillow angrily and incoherently, ready to sit up and throw something FLUFFY at them if they didn't leave immediately.<p>

"Geez, Harry, will you cut it out with all that noise," he groaned irritably.

Someone who was most definitely _not_ Harry yelled at him in response, "Shut your f***trap and wrap yourself back up in your cloth-cocoon, you worthless sack of soggy shit! I'm just up here to borrow some f***ing informative _literature_ and then I promise I'll get out of your putrid, air-sucking presence so that you can snore, drool fluids out of your various orifices, and otherwise carry on with whatever the hell else humans do in their sleep."

Ron pushed the blanket off his face and looked blearily down towards his feet where Carcat was digging through Harry's trunk.

"You're not Harry..." he said groggily.

"No shit, f***ass. Your ocular spheres are in absolutely PERFECT working order. Any more observant, and you'd f***ing be scaring the piss out of people with your scientifically astute sense of perception," snapped the troll, pulling several cards out of the air over his head and dropping books into them, "Now if you don't mind, I'll be getting the f*** out of here."

He slammed the trunk closed loudly and stomped out the door, whipping it shut behind him.

Ron blinked, yawned, flopped to his pillow, and promptly fell back asleep in the space of approximately 6.12 seconds.

* * *

><p>When Harry awoke in Ron's room to the sound of Carcat's shouting, he pressed his face more tightly against his pillow, sighing and trying to ignore the ear-splitting yelling. Finally, Carcat left, slamming the door as he went, and Harry was left to try and fall back asleep.<p>

After several minutes, he gave up on the idea and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling.

His mind immediately settled on a thought that had been bothering him for much of the summer, but had been suppressed with all the recent excitement.

For as long as he'd known about magic, his life had been defined by his rivalry and battles with Voldemort. Now that Voldemort was gone, the wizarding world was experiencing peace in a way it hadn't been in an entire generation. But what did this mean for Harry? He supposed he could pursue his dream of becoming an Auror, put ex-Death Eaters in Azkaban, and live the life he'd never been entirely certain he would get the chance to live. But suddenly he was afraid that his old accomplishments would outshine anything he could do now, that people would expect great, no, magnificent things for Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, the Savior, as long as he lived.

But that wasn't really what bothered him.

It was just, his whole life had been defined by his battles against Voldemort.

Without the poison of all existence...

Without the evil to defeat...

Who was Harry Potter, if he'd never been the Boy Who Lived, had not been the Chosen One, had not been the Savior?

Of course, he told himself, it was ridiculous to be anything but absolutely relieved with the end of Voldemort. But he still felt as though an anchor of sorts had suddenly vanished, leaving him to drift about, aimless and dead. What would happen to him now that he'd served his purpose in life? Surely killing Voldemort was the best he could offer to the world? He had the rest of his life to live, but no longer a defined path to live upon.

What would happen now that his identity was dead?

* * *

><p>Terezi's dream was filled with the usual terrors and bloody nightmares that were inevitable without the presence Sopor Slime. When she woke up, though, they faded almost immediately to the back of her mind and she was left feeling disoriented and slightly nauseous at the half-formed memories of sickeningly sweet masses of cherry red and gummy-mint teal. Or maybe it was lime green. No, blueberry filling this time. Yes. Tons and tons of imaginary blueberry filling pouring from the tasty hint of citrus. Dice rolling, coins flipping, blind meeting blind meeting hesitation meeting regret meeting desire.<p>

Terezi sat up and put the corner of the red blanket in her mouth, sucking on its sweet, red color to calm her nerves. Just horrorterrors. They were just horrorterrors. She sniffed over to the other side of the room hopefully and discovered that Karkat was long gone. She frowned deeply, fangs glinting in the gloom of the bedroom. She'd been there for him yesterday, why wasn't he there for her when _she_ needed it? The flakey bastard.

Her bare feet hit the wood floor before the end of her cane did, and the floorboards _creaked_ softly as she sniffed her way to the door and down the hallway. She ran her hand lightly along the faded vanilla-cream wallpaper as she stepped carefully down the stairs, nearly stubbing her toe on the last step.

Delicious color-smells and food-smells wafted from the kitchen, and her nose detected the telltale carrot-pumpkin scent of Weasley hair. It was the female mother-lusus, judging by the darker, more autumn shade, and the size and shape of her lovely grape-scented gown.

"Good morning Terezi. How did you sleep?"

"Alright, no troubles. I really like the red blanket, hehehe."

The mother-lusus smiled and turned back to the stove, "Yes, I thought you would."

"Have you seen Karkat?"

"No, I haven't seen him all morning. If I had, I would've jinxed his tongue again I'm sure. Wasn't he with you?"

"No, he was gone by the time I woke up." She frowned. So he was being elusive, guilty of some heinous deed, perhaps! She'd beat it out of him when he turned up.

"That's odd. But, I'm sure he'll come around for breakfast. Don't worry, dear, we can always locate him with a spell if need be."

"Hehe, I'm not worried, Mrs. Weasley. He's probably just sulking in some corner somewhere."

"I do worry about him," said the mother-lusus, turning away from the stove to carry the conversation properly, "He's got such a scrawny and underfed look about him. His language could be better, that much is painfully clear, but I'm afraid he's trying to hide something under all that yelling."

"Yeah, probably," Terezi said dismissively, already tiring of the conversation, "But he's always been like that. He'll be fine. Just feed him some of those cluckbeast eggs and he'll grow out of his skinniness." She tapped her cane against the floor and moved for the door. "I'll be outside smelling the garden if you need me, hehehehehe."

"I'll be sure to have Ron or Ginny call you in for breakfast."

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>Draco Malfoy awoke early enough to eat breakfast alone. He then headed outside to fly his broom. He drew slow, spiraling circles through the air with the tip, floating higher and higher above the mansion until the enormous building started to take on the proportions of a dollhouse. Then he stopped, and hovered, leaning down on the handle and letting one arm dangle towards the earth.<p>

_"Of course you have to complete your eighth year, how can you even _consider_ any other option? Go to Diagon Alley _today _and buy your supplies, you hear me?"_

_"But Dad," _Draco argued, his hands jammed tightly into his pockets and his eyes turning narrow_, "You _know_ what'll happen, all those blood traitors and Potter-lovers will be whispering about me every single stinking day…"_

_"Draco,"_ his father said, his voice tired, his face looked as though it had suddenly aged ten years_, "Draco, I know it. But you just _can't_ go through life without a proper education. And you can't let all the mistakes our family has made weigh you down so much that you won't live your life. We may be losing half of what we own to the Ministry, we may well lose our house, our name, and what is left of our pride, and we may have whispers following us wherever we go. But damn it, son, you can't just curl up and stop living. Doing that means you've lost _completely_."_

Draco leaned back in his broom a little, and then slammed his hands down on the front end of the handle, throwing himself downward into a reckless plunge that sucked the air out of his lungs and tore tears from the corners of his eyes. The wind cut against his face in a perpetual blade of still-cold morning light, and the ground came faster and faster towards his face, but he didn't feel a single twinge of fear.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

And then suddenly, as though someone had abruptly thrown a switch on his emotions, Draco felt it. The all-consuming, mind-numbing _terror_. He threw his weight back, dragging the handle up as hard and fast as he could, and managed to slow down enough that when he crashed to the ground, the only damage he took was a shallow scrape down his forearm and some bruises on his knees and shoulders. Those could be fixed easily with magic.

He stood up shakily, picked up his broom, brushed off his clothing, and headed back to the mansion.

He pointed his wand at the various sore spots on his body to ease the pain as he went, thinking about what he'd seen yesterday. He'd gone to get some robes the day before, and Potter had been there there, with what looked like half the Weasley family to boot. Of course he turned around and left. Why the hell would he want to subject himself to the self-righteous, hateful glares he would surely get if he stayed? But there had been two others in the shop with the Potter Fan Club that he hadn't seen before. He remembered doing a quick double-take before beating his retreat.

There had been two humanoid creatures with gray skin and orange horns.

What were they?

Just then, he stepped around a marble statue and came face to face with three humanoid creatures with gray skin and orange horns.

Wait, "WHAT?"

* * *

><p>Eridan jerked his head up at the unexpected sound, and squinted up through the garish morning light at the one who'd stumbled upon them. Was it one of those human things? But before the sea troll could so much as blink, Sollux leaped to his feet and stood over Feferi's still-unconsious body, shoving the human away with a surprisingly ferocious lisping hiss that overpowered the surprise in the human's face and turned it into fear.<p>

Cod, Sol wwould'vve made a great kismesis. Pity he'd started chattin' with Fef all the time.

"Who are you human, and what're you doiing here?"

"The hell?" exclaimed the human, looking indignant, although still apprehensive, "You lot are the ones showing up on _my property_."

"Your property?" Sollux asked, glancing back at Eridan, who shrugged in response.

Just then, three owls dive-bombed the group, resulting in a string of events that forced Eridan to dwwell in the same hive as a "family" of "magical" humans. Which was of course total seahorse shit, because magic was a lie. What did he look like, a two-sweep old? He wasn't about to fall for that kind of carp. Eridan was nobody's fool, not anymore. He knew they all secretly despised him in a cold, impersonal way that was nowhere on the color scale of red and black. They all spited him, shunned him, ignored him - he was the annoying one whose voice buzzed against their auricular sponges like unwelcome background static, the one who'd gotten his science stick from Kan through the power of sheer bothersomeness alone, the one who'd raised it against the object of his jealous hatred, fired it without remorse into the heart of the love he could not have, and mercilessly slaughtered their single, remaining source of hope.

But they settled down in that "magical family" anyway. Sollux and Feferi would speak to each other more than with him, smiling and talking in soft tones to one another in the corner of a dimly-lit room as he walked by and tried not to notice. But he'd pause, he'd see the way the window light would settle onto their faces, and he didn't have the nerve control to even clench his fists, because when he saw Fef's face smiling like that, he was torn with the deepest, most longing red in existence, and when he saw Sol grin back at her, he was wrenched with the most painfully twisted black hatred that ever spanned between the empty voids between the stars.

When Eridan finally forced himself to walk away before they could see him, he came face to face with the human in the hallway.

"Hey there, fishfarts," the human said dismissively, and walked on by.

Stupid wworld.

* * *

><p>"ThE mOtHeRf***iNg FiShEs ArEn'T sHoWiNg Up, SiStEr," said Gamzee, as he sat next to Luna on her Plimpy-hunting rock, his feet submerged up to the ankles. He leaned back on his arms, kicking one foot through the water, scattering droplets and soaking the hem of his pants. An easy smile sloped across his face at the way the water caught the light. Life was all full of motherf***ing miracles that way.<p>

"Well, there aren't so many of them this time of year, unfortunately. But if we're lucky we'll be able to catch a couple and thicken the soup with potatoes," Luna replied, leaning forward and peering into the shimmering water.

It was quiet between them for a while. The sun continued to rise into the sky, dropping large, lumpy shadows of clouds onto the countryside.

Gamzee leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, turning his face to smile at Luna. A few minnows flitted over their feet.

"So WhErE's YoUr LuSuS, hUh? Is he out at sea?"

"My lusus?"

"Oh, what did humans call those motherf***ers again? A Bro? A guardian?"

"Do you mean my father?"

"Something like that, sis."

"He's out investigating the eastern edges of Crumple-Horned Snorkack territory. I went with him for a few months, but I came home early to keep our property in order. It would be overrun by Fuzzwuppers otherwise," she said, and Gamzee nodded sagely in response.

Quite suddenly, Luna dove her hands into the river, splashing clear water everywhere. After a few moments, she withdrew her tightly clasped hands, and between them was a fat, desperately wriggling Plimpy. She stowed it carefully in the pocket of her coat and zipped the pocket closed.

"WhOa, ThAt'S oNe FeIsTy LiTtLe DuDe."

* * *

><p>Neville Longbottom was practicing some assigned Charms homework in the comfort of his bedroom when he heard a loud <em>Bang<em> that sounded as though it came from directly over his head. He paused, cutting off his spell mid-wave, which shot half-formed out from the end of his wand anyway and upended a stack of books he'd left sitting on his desk. Wonderful, now he'd have to fix those books...

Another harsh _Bang_ sounded from the roof.

He groaned. Great. _Now_ he'd either have to brave the attic hatch (and there were all kind of _creepy_ _things_ in the attic), or take a broomstick up there to see what else had landed (and he was no good at flying).

After cleaning up the books, Neville went the carpeted stairs to fetch a broom from the dusty hall closet, which he carried into the back garden and mounted gingerly.

"Okay, okay. I can do this."

After a couple failed attempts that landed him facedown on the garden path, Neville finally managed to direct the broom to the roof. He stepped off hastily and glanced around to see what had made the racket.

There were two people lying spread-eagle on their backs on either side of the roof. However, when he moved closer, he saw that they had grey skin and pointed horns.

He blinked, rubbed his eyes a bit with one hand, and took another look, but the people... creatures... were still there. Grey skin and all. One of them seemed to be female, with slightly luminescent skin and smoothly curved horns, one of which ended in a sharp hook. The other, he guessed, was male, and he sported a pair of enormous, bull-like horns that seemed much too big for his head.

Neville shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other. What was he supposed to do? What would they do to him if they woke up? Should he just fly back into his bedroom and hide until they departed from...?

Oh, shoot.

The female suddenly blinked her eyes open, unveiling yellow-orange sclera and grey irises that had a slightly greenish tint to them. She squinted up at the sky and lifted one arm to shade her eyes with as she pushed herself into a sitting position with the other. Suddenly, her eyes snapped to meet Nevilles'.

They stared at each other in a few moments of prolonged discomfort.

She finally broke the silence by opening her mouth to speak (Merlin, those _fangs_!), "May I Inquire For Clarification In Regards To Our Current Location And Your Species?"

"Uuuuh..." said Neville, in a brilliant display of the intellectual prowess and perspicaciousness that all humans had to offer.

* * *

><p>It was late afternoon, approaching evening, before Carcat turned back up in everyone's general field of vision. Mrs. Weasley gave him a seriously heated tongue-lashing about skipping meals and making people worry, while he raged against her in a voice whose volume easily matched hers. It became apparent that yesterday's Cuss Curse had worn off entirely, and so she renewed the spell, but he continued to scream angrily back at her loud scoldings with graphic and decidedly <em>impolite<em> retorts that flew from his mouth just as easily as the colorful swears.

Mrs. Weasley finally shut him up with an impressively powerful Silencing Spell (the shockwave that erupted from her wand knocked over a vase and three half-filled glasses), petrified his body into an armchair, and finished her angry lecture without further interruption. She then assigned Terezi to force-feed him some leftover stew and Apparated from the house to go clear her head.

For the lack of anything better to do, Harry, Ron, and Ginny all sat around the kitchen table to watch Terezi feed (read: dump food upon) an immobile Carcat whose head was left unaffected by the petrification spell. His mouth constantly formed very recognizable, if silent, expletives and his grey eyes flashed distinctly red when Terezi "accidentally" missed his mouth with the spoon and very nearly scooped out his eye.

Harry Potter and the Weasley siblings soon tired of the spectacle after watching it go on for about an hour, and their discussion turned to a topic that hadn't been tread since the beginning of summer.

"I still don't understand why you didn't go back into the forest to look for that ring," Ron insisted, "and honestly, mate, I still think you should've kept the wand. It's the _Elder Wand_, for Merlin's sake! That and the ring makes you the Master of Death! Think about it, Harry, the Master of Death with an unbeatable wand?"

"Hehehe, we didn't have any Masters of Death in our session," chimed in Terezi, catapulting a piece of meat out of a spoon and into Carcat's snarling face, "but we did have a Witch of Life!"

"Er... okay... Anyway Harry, wouldn't it be awesome to have the Elder Wand? Seriously, it's supposed to enhance your powers or something; it'd at the very least make your schoolwork loads easier."

"I dunno, Ron. That wand's way more trouble than it's worth. Besides, it would be a big pain to go looking for the Resurrection Stone."

"I think Harry's right, Ron. Stop being such a power-hungry prat. I thought we decided that we should just put all this behind us and quit worrying about it! Like Harry said, it's more trouble than it's worth."

"Aw, come on, Ginny. What's a little trouble to a Gryffindor?"

* * *

><p>When Mrs. Weasley finally returned, she found the house surprisingly undamaged and in the same condition as she left it. There was, however, copious amounts of stew spattered all over the table and floor.<p>

Everyone that wasn't a certain troll petrified into a kitchen chair was up in Ron's bedroom socializing. Carcat and Mrs. Weasley shared a staring match for a while, until she sighed and unfroze him with a counter-curse. However, he didn't take advantage of his newfound freedom, but rather continued to sit, motionless, in the chair, glowering at everything in the vicinity.

"Carcat, I'm sorry, but you really need to learn how to control yourself."

He grumbled something unintelligible in response. She sighed again, and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Look, let's put this behind us, alright? How about you just mop up this mess and we act more rational from now on."

He jerked his head in response.

"Here," said Mrs. Weasley, twirling her wand to summon a mop and a bucket full of soapy water, "Get to work."

The resulting situation was disastrous, but to be fair, Mrs. Weasley had no way of knowing what a bucket meant to the trolls as a race.

"Is... that a... _pail_?" wheezed Carcat, staring wide-eyed at the bucket in Mrs. Weasley's hand.

"Yes, well, I thought you'd have to do it by hand, because you haven't learned much magic yet, and anyway, it's good for building character..."

"WHY IN HIGH HOLY F*** WOULD YOU BRING OUT YOUR _PAIL_ IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR _KITCHEN_, YOU SICK, TWISTED _HUMAN_? THIS BETTER NOT BE ONE OF YOUR SHITTY-ASS SARCASTIC _JOKES_, THIS IS WAY MORE FOULNESS THAN I CAN EVEN BEGIN TO START SHOVELING INTO MY THINK PAN IN A VAIN ATTEMPT TO _COMPREHEND_ THIS BULGECLUSTER OF ODIOUS SHIT. THIS IS SO MUCH SHIT, THIS IS... THIS... ALL THE SEPTIC TANKS IN EVERY UNIVERSE EVER CREATED WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CONTAIN A MICROSCOPIC FRACTION OF THE SHIT THIS JOKE CONTAINS... OKAY, HA HA, VERY FUNNY, YOU GOT ME, NOW _GET THAT F***ING THING AWAY FROM ME OH F*** NO DON'T YOU DARE I'M NOT GOING TO FONDLE THAT, YOU BETTER PUT THAT SOMEWHERE I WON'T BE ABLE TO TOUCH WITH MY EYESIGHT, LET ALONE MY GRUB-SQUISHING, SELF-RESPECTING _HANDS_!_"

"Stop your screaming at once, Carcat! It's just a bucket with some water in it," Mrs. Weasley frowned, hefting the bucket and offering it to Carcat, "Just take it and start mopping up the stew already."

Carcat didn't take kindly to the gesture (to put it mildly), instead backing away as fast as he could, eyes wide and teeth bared at the pail.

_"_OH GOD NO, NO, NO, PUT THAT DOWN, NO, HOLY F*** NO, NO WAY AM I GOING TO TOUCH THAT WITH TEN-FOOT CULLING FORK, WHAT KIND OF TROLL DO YOU THINK I _AM_?"

By then, the rest of the inhabitants of the house had hurried down the staircase and were watching the spectacle with a delectable mixture of incredulity, confusion, and amusement. Terezi in particular was all but falling apart at the joints with supressed cackling.

"You'd better calm down this instant!"

"I AM NOT GOING TO F***ING _CALM DOWN_ AS LONG AS YOU'RE BRANDISHING THAT _PAIL_ AT ME LIKE SOME KIND OF F***ED-UP IMPERIAL DRONE WITH A SUD FETISH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

* * *

><p>They eventually managed to calm Carcat down and smooth over the miscommunications, although neither of the trolls were willing to specify exactly what was so disturbing about a bucket. That would most likely remain a mystery for a while yet. But Harry intended to find out sooner or later. Preferably sooner.<p>

After the kitchen mess was cleaned up in a culturally sensitive, bucket-free manner, the five kids settled down in the trolls' room for a change, and the proper interrogation began. Over the years of sticking his nose into business that didn't strictly matter to him, but later turned out to be crucial in some way, Harry and Ron had developed a finely tuned arsenal of information gathering techniques that included the following: ask Hermione, spy on Snape, spy on Malfoy, ask Hermione, spy on Voldemort's memories, ask Hermione, and consider opening a library book. He would now turn his full, unadulterated information-gathering powers on this troll.

The humans sat on the edge of Terezi's bed, while the trolls sat on the other.

Harry stared Carcat in the eye for a while, hoping that the troll would make the first move, but all the guy did was grind his teeth and glare daggers at Harry. (Basically, he made his normal face for a straight five minutes.)

Finally, Harry decided to take the initiative.

"So, what do you trolls use buckets for?"

Terezi predictably collapsed into a violent fit of H3H3H3H3H3H3H3's, while Carcat predictably let out a guttural snarl of rage and started pulling violently at his hair.

"Seriously, mate, we're curious," Ron grinned, catching Harry's eye and (not so) discreetly jabbing his thumb at the way Carcat was nearly scalping himself.

As Terezi continued to roll around on Carcat's bed cackling and smacking him with a blue stuffed dragon (where'd she get that?), Carcat himself eased up on his hair-pulling to switch to hitting himself on the head with both fists.

"Hey, cut that out," Harry said.

"Why should I? I've got a bunch of ignorant asswipes sitting in front of me in some f***ing stupid _line_, trying to forcibly rip answers out of my air chute with their stubby little answer-grabbing prehensile appendages. Get a clue and realize that I DON'T F***ING WANT TO TALK."

"Why won't you just tell us? It can't be nearly as bad as you're making it out to be."

"Oh, it is. Imagine the worst thing possible, magnify it from it's infinitesimally small size to a more fitting, infinitely large scale, and then coat it liberally with bulge juice. That's your hint, and I'm not saying anything more."

Ron frowned, thinking for a while, then snapped his fingers triumphantly.

"I got it. You trolls use 'em as toilets, don't you? So it unsanitary to use them for other stuff?"

Terezi collapsed in a renewed fit of giggles.

Carcat buried his face in his hands.

Harry and Ron were left wondering just what could make a bucket a more heinous item than defecating in it.

It was a mystery indeed.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 5<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Wow, that started out serious and ended completely lighthearted and ridiculous. :B I'm not sure how I did that lol. So I guess this kinda ended up as a slightly fluffy summertime filler chapter. But it wasn't all bad, I think. :D I really liked Terezi's POV section and some of the stupid shenanigans later on. Figured we needed to put the obligatory bucket scene in eventually, and this was a good a time as any.

I saw this story hit 612 hits xD and it's now 700! It just worked out that way. Numbers are a funny thing. :P

The next chapter be the last summer chapter I think, with just some capping chronological occurrences over the summer. And you know what that means! Next next chapter: TEH EPIC JOURNEY TO FROGWARTS. I MEAN, HOGWARTS. YUS. I dunno about you, but I've been looking forward to this.

Sadly, due to lots of happenings going on in my life, the next chapter will probably take at least two weeks to update, instead of the usual one week. D: I'm so sorry guys, but as much as I love working on this story, it's not at the pinnacle of my to-do list. Rest assured, though, I'll keep working on it. :3

Review please? :3 Even if you're reading this in the future (from my perspective), months since this was posted. Because (time doesn't matter), you know, and reviews make me happieee! :B


	6. Chapter 6: Rushing Summertime

**Note**: Surprise chapter! I guess I had the time to crank this out after all. ;D Also your guys' fav'ing and review'ing is just so encourag'ing! xD Didn't want to leave you all hang'ing! (Okay I'll stop trolling now.) Thank you everyone for the reviews and everything! :'D I must toil in the name of entertaining complete strangers! lol.

This chapter isn't going to be paced in the chonologically steady way as the previous ones, but will skip through time to wrap up this summertime shenanigans so we can get to school already. (We all know everyone LOVES SCHOOL. :D) No more wishy-washy dilly-dallying here, no siree pop. Nada. Nope. Nuh-uh. Well okay maybe a little. :B

Cleared 7,300 words with this one. Summers are long okay! Sorry. I'll try to cut down on the length for the following chapters, this is getting pretty ridiculous.

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 6:<p>

* * *

><p>THUMP!<p>

Terezi screamed excitedly as she narrowly dodged a blueberry vase, which shattered on the chocolate-wood floor into a few hundred pieces. She sniffed at the blueberry-and-sugar-white pieces on the floor, closing her eyes to fully enjoy the scent, and picked up a piece to sample with her tongue. It was slightly dusty, but the flavor was still pretty good. Moments later, a ladder descended of its own accord from the attic hatch she opened, stopping right at her feet. Spitting out the vase shard, she carefully removed her glasses and stowed them in her sylladex for safekeeping, and crawled nimbly up the ladder, guided by the soupy smell of the rungs.

The attic was filled with variously colored objects, all with a thin coating of dust. Her eyes would've been next to useless here in the dark, but luckily she was no longer dependent on them.

She settled down on a bubblegum-scented cushion and pulled her glasses back out of her sylladex, settling them on her nose and turning on Trollian.

A bunch of her friends were visible but offline, while Karkat and Sollux were both online, perhaps even talking to each other. Interesting... She removed the glasses again to bring them to her tongue... yes, Karkat, Sollux, Feferi, Eridan, Gamzee, Kanaya, and Tavros were visible, but where was everyone else? In particular, where was the Spider8itch?

Terezi grinned, revealing almost every pointed tooth in her mouth. Vriska would have a real shock coming to her if they ever met up again.

She opened her eyes and stared blindly down toward the glasses she knew she was gripping in her fingers.

The lightless attic rendered everything invisible to anyone who used their eyes to see.

Fortunately for Terezi, she preferred an alternate method of sight. One which did not hinder her with the necessity of a light source.

The glasses glowed cherry red in her hands.

* * *

><p>Neville Longbottom found that the presence of the two trolls in his home was surprisingly pleasant and not at all as terrible as he'd expected. They had received Hogwarts letters almost immediately upon their arrival, which had been quite a shock all around, and his grandmother had been surprisingly accepting of their stay once he'd explained to her that they were going to be students alongside him.<p>

Kanaya's sophisticated sense of etiquette and her enthusiasm in upgrading Gran's wardrobe had helped too.

One afternoon, Neville and Kanaya were laying on the floor, poring over the same page of _Herbology for Herb Enthusiasts_ while Tavros hobbled about awkwardly nearby. Suddenly, he lost his balance and fell face-down on the carpet, knocking a wooden statuette onto their book.

"uH, sORRY,, ," he muttered.

"It Is Quite Alright," Kanaya said, "But Really, Should You Not Have Gotten Accustomed To The Use Of Your Legs By This Time?"

"iT'S JUST," Tavros pushed himself to a sitting position and poked at his own legs wonderingly, "iT'S JUST,, yOU KNOW, I mean, it's just so strange to have them back. Metal legs just aren't quite, uh, the same feeling, and Equius had them kinda auto-balanced..."

"It is indeed curious that your legs have apparently returned to their full functionality," Kanaya mused as she set the statuette back upright, "If I am not very much mistaken, I amputated them myself with my lipstick."

"Hey Kanaya, can I turn the page?" Neville asked, having become thoroughly accustomed to this topic of conversation, as he'd heard the trolls discuss it repeatedly.

"Certainly you may, go right ahead if that is what you wish. I had already finished and was simply taking a closer examination of some of the diagrams. The strange plants you have on this planet are quite fascinating, to say the least."

"Yeah. I think so too."

Tavros and Kanaya continued to ponder aloud the restored state of his legs as Neville started a chapter on Bouncing Begonias.

"Can you, by any chance, recall how your legs were restored? This is indeed a mysterious occurrence, and I am somewhat suspicious that there are less than desirous forces at work here, despite this seemingly positive development. You do understand if I am somewhat disconcerted?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. But I don't really remember anything about getting my legs back, I mean, all I remember is being really upset with Vriska, and going to look for her, because, she was taunting me again." He frowned, and attempted to stand, only to catch his toe against the leg of a decorative table and fall back to the floor. He sighed. "Actually, she was holding my legs, uh, you know, when I found her, and she was smiling. That made me pretty upset."

Kanaya made a thoughtful _hmmm_ing noise in the back of her throat and tapped one finger against her chin.

"Did You Defeat Her?"

"Huh?"

"Vriska. I Assume You Were Victorious."

Tavros frowned again, the corners of his mouth pulling down almost comically.

"uH, , aCTUALLY, i'M NOT TOTALLY SURE, ,,,"

"Well, whether you or she were victorious does nothing to solve the mystery of your rediscovered appendages," Kanaya said comfortingly, "You must have done something right to have your legs back again."

Tavros smiled uncertainly and worked on getting back to his feet.

"Kanaya? Are you going to read with me or can I turn the page?"

"Go right ahead, Neville. I will peruse the tome later if that is alright with you."

"Sure."

Kanaya pulled a handheld communications device from her sylladex and examined the userlist. Her eyes scanned quickly down the list, pondering the ones she saw. The last she'd seen Terezi, Karkat, Sollux, Gamzee, and Tavros before arriving on this strange new world, they'd been in perfectly admirable health. But she distinctly remembered (with some embarrassment) drinking the blood of Feferi's corpse. Admittedly, she'd been so scorchingly thirsty, and it couldn't be helped. And yet...

[grimAuxiliatrix started trolling cuttlefishCuller]

GA: Hello?  
>GA: Feferi Are You Available By Chance?<p>

CC: Kanaya! 38D  
>CC: I'm -ESTATIC to S-EA you're okay!<p>

Kanaya frowned slightly at the response. She'd finally managed to catch her online, but the correspondence still felt decidedly paranormal.

"Kanaya? is something wrong?" Neville asked, glancing up at her face, "We can always go outside and prune the rose bushes, if that'll cheer you up."

"Thank you for your consideration, Neville. Rest assured, I am alright, if somewhat shaken with the experience of communicating to a friend I believed to have died long since."

"Er, okay?" said Neville, clearly puzzled.

"I am fine. Do not worry yourself."

GA: I Am Relieved To Find You So Responsive.  
>GA: Indeed, I Believed You To Have Been Murdered By The Science Wand I Had Constructed For Eridan.<p>

CC: 380  
>CC: Glub glub glub...<br>CC: O)( Kanaya, t)(is is all very frig)(tening and rat)(er fis)(y!  
>CC: Not even in t)(e good way. 38C<br>CC: I just )(ad an awful NIG)(TMAR-E!  
>CC: I can't remember so muc)( of it, but I still feel reely scared.<p>

GC: I Am Sincerely Sorry To Hear That.

CC: Yeah... Glub...  
>CC: I'm sorry, Kanaya, I )(ave to go now.<br>CC: I want to go find Sollux and talk to )(im about t)(is.

GA: It Is Alright, I Understand.

[cuttlefishCuller ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix]

* * *

><p><span>Months In The Past, But Not Many:<span>

Aradia dove down through the dark canopy, her glowing wings shedding a reddish light on the tree trunks. She pulled out of her dive quickly as she approached the ground, and glided through the air, hovering just an arm's-length above the bare forest floor as she flew, her eyes scanning the ground beneath her. Suddenly, she stopped, and back tracked, fluttering in circles until she let her feet come to a rest upon the cold dirt. Something glinted momentarily in the shifting light that managed to somehow fight its way through the branches and to the darkened forest floor.

She crouched down on her heels and picked up the item, blowing on it softly to clean away any excess dirt. But even when she'd cleaned most of the dust away, it wasn't a very pretty thing, dull and roughly hewed. She wondered for a second how it had managed to catch the light.

Shrugging a little to herself, she tucked it away carefully into her shirt pocket and took off into the air.

Aradia disappeared even before she'd reached the canopy, and the forest was as gloomy and foreboding as though the red glow of her wings had never shed warm light on the trees.

* * *

><p>By some inexplicable warp in space-time, and indeed logic itself, Ron and Karkat began to taste human emotiontroll disease known as "friendship." Perhaps their rapport initiated from Karkat's soft spot for derpy humans, or Ron's appreciation of someone who could cuss out his mother and survive, but no one would ever know for certain.

This friendship, of course, lasted until Ron partook in a scheme against Karkat that involved a sticking charm and a broomstick, but more on that later.

Harry and Ginny were spending some quality time together in the local town eating ice cream, chasing butterflies, and all that crummy romantic stuff, while Terezi was amusing herself by noosing stuffed dragons and chucking them from her window, leaving Karkat and Ron to contemplate each others' existence.

"So..." Ron finally said, "What do trolls do when they're bored?"

"Many of us go out and kill each other, but I prefer to watch romantic comedies," said Karkat, slouching into the soft, patchy sofa and flicking through _One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi_.

Ron tried a laugh, but Karkat showed no sign that he'd been joking, so he quickly stopped.

"Wait... seriously?"

"What's wrong with romcoms?" Karkat snarled vehemently, glancing up from the book.

Ron shook his head vigorously, "Nothing, I mean... What I meant is, trolls really go around killing each other?"

Karkat rolled his eyes and flipped to a page on flesh-eating daisies, "See, this is why humans are so weak."

Ron stared at the the troll across from him for a long, befuddled, and slightly apprehensive expanse of time.

"Look," Karkat finally snorted, "Apparently human reproduction is a f***load lot slower than the troll kind. Seriously, one or two births at a time? How did your species even populate your planet? Anyway, if we didn't spend our free time killing each other, we'd f***ing overrun Alternia in no time, though admittedly there is something to be said for the speed with which our race was taking over the universe. But then again, among fellow friendship victims we try to keep slaughter to a bare minimum. It'd be pretty impolite to kill your comrade, and downright moronic if you're relying on them for survival... Oh come on f***ass, wipe that blank stare off your speckled little face, and put that lower jaw back where it belongs, you're going to drip a lake of weirdly colorless saliva onto the carpet and then your mother-lusus is going to make us clean it up with a sordid pail. I'm not letting that happen again."

Ron snorted and leaned back comfortably into his armchair. "I dunno, I guess I'm just glad that doesn't apply to humans."

They sat silently for a while, the summer air drifted warmly around them, carrying flecks of dust that lit up like stars whenever they floated into a stream of sunlight. The large grandfather clock ticked steadily from its place by the wall, and Ron may or may not have drifted off into sleep for a few minutes before coming to his senses and renewing the conversation.

"Hey, since no one else's around, do you fancy playing a game of Exploding Snap? There's Stinksap in it. You like slime, right?"

Karkat shrugged.

After playing several rounds of Exploding Snap on the richly carpeted and recently cleaned floor, Ron brought up troll murder-culture again.

"So have you killed anyone?" asked Ron offhandedly, setting down a couple cards.

Karkat stared down at the card in his hand, bangs shielding his eyes. He was silent for so long that Ron began to worry that his question had been extremely culturally insensitive, or just downright too personal. Hell, why had he even asked that question? Did he really want to know if this guy had killed?

"Not trolls, not directly," he growled finally, "Although truthfully that particular detail is the f***ing weakest turd-stained pile of a debilitated-ass bullshit that's ever graced your absurdly shaped, cartilage based bullshit receptors."

"Didn't Mum put a Cuss Curse on you this morning?" Ron asked, in a not-at-all subtle attempt to change the topic.

"Yeah."

"It's been, what? Three hours and you're already back to normal?"

"***** * *** ******** ** ******?" asked Karkat, by way of response.

"I'll take that as a yes," Ron snorted.

Suddenly, there was a loud THUMP and a scream of mirth from above their heads, followed by the sound of something falling to the floor and shattering. Karkat snarled irritably and dragged a card out from over his head, removing his six-legged husktop from it.

"Whoa!" yelped Ron, as it landed on the floor loudly, "What in Merlin's name is this?"

"Communications device," Karkat said, opening it up, "I'm going to tell her to keep it the f***ing down... Oh my holy f***."

"What is it?" Ron asked as he curiously examined the shell-like texture of the computer.

"Someone's online. A bunch of them are actually showing up on the userlist," Karkat said hollowly, "They weren't there before."

Ron scooted around the slimy exploding cards to take a look at the screen.

[carcinoGeneticist started trolling twinArmeggedons]

CG: SOLLUX, ARE YOU THERE?

[twinArmeggedons is an idle troll!]

CG: GODDAMNIT CAPTOR, ANSWER ME IF YOU'RE THERE, I'M DEAD F***ING SERIOUS.

[twinArmeggedons is an idle troll!]

"Wait, so what is this again?" Ron asked, staring wide-eyed as Karkat's fingers flashed across the keypad, "Blimey, look how fast you're making words come out! I can only write that fast when I have a Speed Quill."

"Every dumbass f***ass knows that typing is faster than writing, idiot," Karkat snarled, as he continued to enter a barrage of threats and insults into the screen.

CG: I'M SERIOUS, SOLLUX, IF YOU'RE GETTING MY HOPES UP FOR NOTHING I SWEAR I'LL F***ING HAUL ASS BACK INTO OUR DIMENSION JUST SO I CAN REACH MY FIST DOWN INTO YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE, TAKE HOLD OF YOUR LOWER DIGESTIVE TUBULAR TRACT, AND DRAG YOUR INTERNAL TISSUE INSIDE OUT UNTIL YOU'RE SHITTING MUSTARD BLOOD FROM BETWEEN YOUR SHATTERED JAWS.

[twinArmeggedons is an idle troll!]

"Mate, don't you think you're being a bit too graphic?" Ron said, wincing as he read over Karkat's invective diatribe.

"No I'm not. They don't respond to me otherwise."

"Have you ever tried, I dunno, _not_ saying stuff like that?"

"No. What's you're point?"

"Nothing," Ron snorted, shifting himself to lean more comfortably against the couch as he watched Karkat type.

TA: 2hiit, KK. 2top 2pammiing the f*** out of me, god.

"Why'd he call you KK?" Ron asked. Karkat ignored him.

CG: HOLY CRAP, SOLLUX, YOU'RE ALIVE?  
>CG: I MEAN, ARE YOU HERE SOMEWHERE?<p>

TA: ii don't know, man.  
>TA: diid you land 2omewhere wiith a lot of hedge2?<br>TA: and human2 all over the place?

CG: HEDGES?  
>CG: F*** NO. THAT WOULD BE AS DUMB AS FINDING A RANDOM SHIT-TON OF INCREDULOUS BARF CANDY ON A DESERTED METEORITE. BUT WE DID LAND BY A HUMAN HIVE ABOUT A WEEK AGO, SO YEAH, THERE'S HUMANS ALL OVER THE F***ING PLACE LIKE IT'S SOME STUPID ALIEN HOLIDAY AND THEY'RE HANDING THE HUMANS OUT LIKE THERE'S LITERALLY NO TOMORROW.<p>

"Hey!" Ron said grumpily. Karkat ignored him.

TA: have you talked two any of the other2 yet?

CG: NO, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I REALIZED SO MANY OF US WERE HERE. WHEN WE FIRST LANDED THERE WAS JUST GC AND I SHOWING UP ON TROLLIAN, SO WE FIGURED WE WOULDN'T BOTHER TO USE TROLLIAN UNLESS WE NEEDED TO.  
>CG: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CUSS HER OUT FOR MAKING A RACKET UPSTAIRS.<p>

TA: of cour2e.  
>TA: well, CC and CA are here wiith me.<br>TA: and ii've also talked two GA and AT. ii thiink they landed together.  
>TA: TC hasn't come onliine, and ii don't know iif we're all iin the 2ame uniiver2e or what.<p>

"So your troll friend might be somewhere around here?" Ron asked, "That's good, right? Maybe you can meet up with each other. Are any of them going to Howarts?"

"I'll ask."

CG: HEY DID YOU GET A WEIRD AS F*** LETTER FROM A MAGIC SCHOOL? TEREZI AND I GOT THEM FLOWN INTO OUR FACES BY THESE F***ING PESKY AS HELL STUPID-ASS HOOTBEASTS THAT APPARENTLY THOUGHT MY OLFACTORY ORIFICES WERE SOME KIND OF F***ING NOURISHMENT DISPENSERS.  
>CG: THE DAMN THING KEPT PECKING MY FACE.<p>

TA: yeah, the three of u2 diid, but ii don't know iif the other2 diid too.  
>TA: waiit, hold on.<p>

CG: OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT.  
>CG: F***ING LEAVE ME HANGING HERE, I DON'T CARE.<br>CG: I'LL JUST KEEP MYSELF COMPANY.  
>CG: JUST ME AND THIS PUNGENT HUMAN WHO CAN'T KEEP HIS NOSE OUT OF MY MESSAGES.<p>

"Hey!" Ron objected loudly, picking up a card from the floor and slapping the side of Karkat's head with it. It promptly exploded all over the both of them. By the time they cleared away the slime from their faces, Sollux had messaged back.

TA: fiine, ii'm back. jegu2, you're 2uch a melodamatiic iidiiot 2ometiime2.  
>TA: but ii have two go now, FF want2 two talk two me about 2omething.<br>TA: 2o ii gue22 ii'll 2ee you at the magiic frogwart2 2chool or whatever the f*** iit wa2.

CG: ALRIGHT THEN, LEAVE TO GO CHAT UP THE PRINCESS, I SEE HOW IT IS.  
>CG: YOU FLIRTY F***ASS.<p>

TA: ...  
>TA: that'2 me beiing rendered 2peechle22.<br>TA: yet agaiin, you've rendered me utterly 2peachle22 wiith the 2heer enormiity of your 2tupiidiity.

[twinArmeggedons ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist]

CG: YEAH WELL YOU'RE A STUPID STINKING STUCK-UP TURD TOO.  
>CG: SO THERE.<p>

"Hey, d'you know where I can get one of these 'communications devices'? They seem pretty handy."

"No. And you aren't getting any of mine, f***face."

"Well, _excuse_ me for asking."

* * *

><p>Sollux turned off his computer and stowed it back away in his sylladex.<p>

"Alright, FF, what's wrong?"

"Can you come up to my room? I don't want anybody over)(earing what I )(ave to say."

"2ure."

They navigated through the sprawling maze of hallways and staircases until they finally reached their destination and settled down in the corner of Feferi's designated bedroom. Sollux watched curiously as Feferi nervously removed her goggles and tiara and set them on the ground beside her. She was biting her lower lip with a dangerous amount of force - any stronger and her fangs would likely pierce her skin and draw blood. What did she have to say that was so important?

"Feferi?"

"Sorry Sollux, it's just... glub..." she trailed off and sniffed, then rubbed at the corner of her eye with one finger, "Sorry. I just woke up, you sea, it's so strange trying to get used to being awake during the daytime..."

"I know what you mean. Humans are unnatural little shits."

She let out a half-hearted giggle and then sighed, eyes downcast.

"Sollux, I had a reely glubbing bad nig)(tmare."

"It's alright, FF, it happens to all of us." He thought about reaching out to touch her hand, but thought better of it. She clearly wasn't done talking. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

She was silent for a while, but then her gills fluttered suddenly as she began to speak, "We were back on the meteor, and you and Eridan were shelling about something. Something about me. And then you took off your glasses, and he pulled out his wand..." she trailed off again and tugged on a strand of her hair, before continuing, "He blasted you against the wall and I was so _furious_, Sollux."

Sollux was silent. He was experiencing an unsettling feeling of déja vu. He clenched his fingers. The voices roared and screamed indecipherably in his think pan.

"And," she paused, and when she continued, her voice had dropped into oddly steady, cold octave, "And I know that doesn't sound so awful, but all I can remember after that are some really scary feelings, feeling angry, feeling terrified, and feeling _desperate_. I felt like, I don't know, like someone or something really important was dying, but..."

She shivered a little.

"It's alright, FF," he said finally, "Don't worry too much about it." He forced a smile. She giggled through the tears in her eyes.

Someone's footsteps echoed away down the hall.

* * *

><p>"Here, Gamzee, could you please put these books in your sylladex?"<p>

"SuRe ThInG, mY mOtHeRf***iN' sIs."

"That should be everything... Oh! We need to get you your wand. It's just down the street."

The two exited the bookstore and wove their way down Diagon Alley, heading for Ollivander's. Gamzee gazed reverently at everything he passed, a relaxed smile pulling across his fangs as all manner of fire-breathing flowers and flesh-eating bats passed him on their journey, but Luna tugged him along down the street by the hand, keeping him from marveling at any single display for too long. At one point, one of Gamzee's tall horns caught the underside of a store sign, nicking it and jerking his head back painfully, but otherwise the pair made it to their next stop with little trouble.

A bell jingled as they opened the door to the wand shop.

"Mr. Ollivander?" Luna called. A white-haired man began to emerge from the shadows.

"Luna! Is that you? Surely you aren't in need of a third wand? It's only been a year since we've replaced..." he trailed off as he noticed her tall, somewhat threatening companion.

"Actually, Mr. Ollivander, I was hoping you could sell us a wand for him?" she gestured vaguely at Gamzee, as he stared dazedly at something invisible that was apparently hovering over his head, "Gamzee will be going to Hogwarts this year, and..."

"Yes, I've already had seven 'trolls' come through here, looking for wands," he said, slightly bemused, "The first pair made a fantastic wreck of the shop."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Luna said sincerely.

"Yes, well, wand picking is always a slightly destructive process." Mr. Ollivander shrugged and flicked his wand, and immediately a long measuring tape came to life and started taking measurements of Gamzee's horns.

Quite unexpectedly, Gamzee found use of his mouth. "WhOa, MoThErF***Er, did you say a few more trolls came in here?"

"Indeed," said Ollivander, frowning at the measurements and drawing up a ladder to pull down a wand that was on a high shelf, "The first was exceedingly bad-tempered..."

"That sounds like my best bro Karkat," Gamzee grinned.

"Yes, that was his name. Miss Terezi Pyrope was with him, she purchased an exceptionally powerful wand that set something like an oddly colored Fiendfyre on my store." Ollivander came back down the ladder and handed Gamzee a long, dark-colored wand. "This is also quite powerful, and I would've expected it to be less temperamental and inconsistent than it is, judging by your apparent personality, but I have a hunch... Twelve and a half inches, ash, unicorn hair core. Give it a wave."

Gamzee took the wand his hand and waved it languidly. Indigo sparks jetted out the end and fell, sparkling, through the air around them.

Ollivander looked a little troubled, "That is one of the most powerful wands I've made since... In any case, handle that wand with care. I dare say it's predisposed to be rather volatile."

"Wow, you got it on your first try!" Luna exclaimed, "That's really unusual!"

"MiRaClEs," Gamzee stated sagely.

* * *

><p>It was early morning, pre-dawn, really, and Karkat was standing, fully clothed and sopping wet, in the ablution trap (he refused to call it a <em>bathtub,<em> that would be beyond idiotic), the shower head pouring searing water over his head and burning almost painfully against his horns. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to forget the nightmare, trying to forget the wide-eyed, slack-jawed screaming, trying to forget the rainbow blood that was sinking into every pore in his skin...

He snarled loudly, voice hidden by the sound of the water, and gripped left wrist in right hand until he thought it would snap.

The water wasn't nearly enough to wash away his blood-soaked dreams. Nearly every hue on the hemospectrum flickered in his mind's eye. He saw Sollux rendered blind and unconscious, dark yellow seeping from the corners from his mouth. He saw Feferi gored ruthlessly through the chest, magenta fluid fountaining through the air. He saw Kanaya impaled by a beam of light, jade billowing out behind her like liquid smoke. He saw Equius strangled so tightly, blue blood dripped uninhibited down his neck. He saw Nepeta's crushed skull and torn throat pumping green. He saw Tavros lying flat on his back, leaking brownish orange everywhere from a enormous skewer wound in the chest. He saw Eridan lying decapitated on the shadowy floor, purple dribbling from both nostrils. He saw Gamzee's sullen face frozen in a snarl, indigo gashes cut across it and blood flowing freely both halves of his body. He saw Vriska, or what was left of her, cut almost to ribbons, blue droplets suspended all around her. He saw He saw Terezi lying broken, broken, dead in an ever-growing puddle of teal.

Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. _Just a nightmare,_ he chanted to himself. Nightmares like this were the reason he had refused to sleep during the game - he knew they would be really out of control without the effects of Sopor Slime. And he sure as f*** didn't want to flounce around in yellow pajamas doing all sorts of moronic things when there were more important things to be doing. But ever since Mrs. Wealsey had discovered him reading spellbooks in the dead of night, she'd taken to forcing Sleeping Potion down his protein chute every night (she wasn't taking "any more of these ridiculous antics from you, Carcat. Sleep is _necessary_ for you to _live_. You've got such shadows under your eyes! I can tell it's not healthy. No, don't you try telling me you're naturally nocturnal; Terezi does just fine.").

Karkat let out a huge breath and opened his eyes to slits, just wide enough to see the water falling around him, but not enough to let it get in his eyes. The regularity of the nightmares were staring to scare him. They were always the same now, always the same friends and himself, and all their screams and all their blood mixed together. Whenever he managed to forget himself and fall asleep, his friend's mutilated bodies would rise into his mind almost instantaneously, to the point where he was becoming jaded to it. Imagine! Jaded to the sight of blood, enough blood to pump a brood of wrigglers a fresh supply, jaded to the sight of torn intestines and carved-out eye sockets, to the point that it wasn't even the gory visions that made him sick to his stomach. It was the fact he didn't feel sick at all.

The terror that gripped him in his dreams was as potent as ever, though, coming out of nowhere as he detachedly watched his dream-self become bathed with the blood of his friends, because he'd seen it so often he could hardly react to it. And then he'd realize he could taste it dribbling from his own mouth, or that his fingertips were sticky with it as they clutched a garishly pigmented sickle, and the terror would come upon him, fast and all-encompassing until he was screaming as hard as he could, silently, to the breaking point of his vocal chords.

Karkat turned his face toward the jet of water, his eyes closed again as he he held his breath, and tried to wash the taste of blood from his mouth.

But then, for one irrational second he thought the water itself was blood, and he nearly vomited. He turned his face back away from the water but cupped his hands and watched as it gathered, clear and sparkling.

* * *

><p>Professor McGonagall smoothed out the letter on her desk and scanned her eyes down the letter yet again. The text on it was clearly done mechanically, as each letter was burned clean through the parchment, leaving empty, word-shaped holes in it that could only be read if she laid it across a dark surface.<p>

_Twelve trolls of the age of eight sweeps will arrive 812!CGATAAGCTCCCCAGAAGCTACAT..._

She pursed her lips and stared at the letter, trying to understand exactly what was going on. She had at first thought it was a prank, but attached to the leg of the snowy owl that had brought her the letter had been a small crystal ball of uncanny prognosticative ability.

_Attached is a magic cue ball. 8^y%(O) It will tell you the answer to almost anything you inquire of it. I suggest that you destroy it beyond hope of repair once you have satisfied your curiosity with this letter, WOOF#JH!JH! for like many things of great power, this cue ball is extremely dangerous. Artifacts like these have caused great sorrow and destruction to many before you, and I implore that you follow my advice._

McGonagallpicked up the white sphere from her desk and examined it.

_Of course, I already know that you will not destroy it. The tempt to keep it for yourself is too great, I understand, and the word of a stranger, no matter how knowledgeable or truthful I appear, is not enough to convince you of its danger. It pains me to send it to you, but there was no other way to make you believe me, skeptical and logical as you are._

She glanced back at the ball in her hand and held it up to eye level. "Should I destroy you? _Revelio!_"

_Yes. Most definitely, and as soon as possible. Preferably with a Reductor Curse, followed by an Incendio, followed by an un-undoable Banishment Spell._

But she didn't ask it if she would. Instead, she set it back down on her desk and gazed out the window.

Two thin comets of light soared through the air and landed in the vicinity of Hagrid's hut. She sucked in a quick breath and glanced back at the letter.

_Take them into your school as though they were Harry Potter, and as though Voldemort were at large once more. Truthfully, they are not vital to your world, especially not if you destroy the cue ball. But if they do not attend, they are merely walking dead and nothing more. Then again..._

She stood swiftly from her desk and strode out from the Head Office, heading down to the grounds to find Hagrid.

* * *

><p>Hagrid had been in the Forbidden Forest, feeding a few Thestrals half of a cow. It was a pretty important aspect of his job, because although the Thestrals were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, feeding them a little something once in a while cemented their trust in him, and they needed to trust him if he was going to keep training them to pull the carriages up to the castle every year.<p>

He tossed another chunk of leg over to a Thestral that was hanging back from the rest of the group. It sniffed at the meat before tearing at it with its sharp teeth.

"Aright then. I'll be seein' you lot later!" Hargrid called, and began to trek back through the forest to his cabin.

However, when he returned to his cabin, there was something quite unexpected lying in the pumpkin patch he'd been preparing over the year for Halloween. A pair of students? But no, they had grey skin and horns. One of them had crushed a large pumpkin into pieces - it looked almost as though they'd both fallen out of the sky. (Hagrid glanced up quickly in case more were incoming, but the sky was beautifully sunny and empty, with only a few puffy clouds floating by.)

He crouched down and gently touched the shoulder of the smaller one with one massive hand. She had large, conical horns protruding from the top of her head, and was wearing a green coat that looked as though it were more suited for someone at least three times her height and girth.

"'Ey, who are 'ya?" He asked loudly, but she didn't awaken. He stepped over a pumpkin to try and revive the other one, but he was equally unconscious and showed no sign of waking up.

He frowned slightly into his beard as he contemplated the two grey people who had landed in his pumpkin patch.

"Hagrid!"

He turned, and there was Professor McGonagall, rushing towards them.

"Headmaster?"

"I saw lights..." she huffed, coming up to the fence of the pumpkin patch, "Have you seen anything... suspicious..." Her eyes widened as her gaze fell on the grey people.

"Yeh, these two've come outta nowhere, an' they won' wake up fer some reason." He gestured at the unconscious bodies.

"Those are trolls," she said hollowly, pushing her spectacles up her nose and stepping through the gate to get a closer look, "It was right."

"Trolls?" Hagrid asked, glancing between Professor McGonagall and the trolls, "With all due respect, Headmaster, I'm pretty sure they aren' _trolls_."

"Not the trolls we know, Hagrid. They'll be students this year at Hogwarts."

Hagrid stared at her, mouth slightly agape.

"Take care of them and help them get supplies before the summer is over," she said briskly as she bent over their bodies, examining the corpselike shade of their skin, "They can help you with some of your gamekeeping duties if necessary."

Hagrid nodded slowly.

Suddenly, the smaller troll jerked awake and stretched her limbs out, yawning and blinking open her wide, orange eyes. As soon as she became aware of her surroundings, she froze, staring at the two humans. The humans did likewise.

After a long pause, she finally smiled, and piped up in a cheery voice, "Hello there! My name is Nepeta Leijon! Purrleased to meet you!"

Hagrid and McGonagall exchanged a bewildered glance.

* * *

><p><span>A Summary of Notable Events at the Weasley Residence, Because We Really Need to be Getting this Show On the MoThErF***InG Road Already:<span>

One day while playing with her wand, Terezi accidentally discovered a spell that would spew sticky liquids of various vibrant colors out of her wand tip. It instantly became her favorite piece of magic, and there was OH HOLY F***ING HELL to pay when Mrs. Weasley came home from purchasing groceries and discovered that just about every sniffable square inch of the Burrow, and most if its expansive yard, was liberally coated in a thick, gooey soup of of eye-searing pigments.

Another day, Harry started getting angsty about what he was going to do with his life now that Voldemort was dead, so Karkat told him to STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS AND MAN THE F*** UP ALREADY! Mrs. Weasley happened to walk by them at the particular moment and wearily casted yet another Cuss Curse. It wore off in the record time of thirty minutes.

Hermione visited again to force a study session with everyone, much to the other students' displeasure. The two trolls became proficient with quite a few spells, and some other generic magic stuff. Goodie for them. Oddly enough, they both seemed to have a knack for wordless magic, especially when they were determined enough. (Terezi's color-spell had arisen mere minutes after a heated argument with Karkat about whether or not Red synonymous with Mouthwatering.) But the study session was soon broken up when Terezi discovered that Sir Candy Delicious was missing, and promptly flipped her shit with worry trying to look for him. Not even _Accio_ was working, but Hermione thought that perhaps its magical pygmy puff abilities were preventing the spell from summoning him properly.

In an attempt to cheer Terezi up, Karkat yelled, "You probably ate the thing when you were busy slobbering all over it last night. I could've sworn there was blood or some shit dribbled all over your pillow this morning."

"Carcat!" Hermione hissed.

"Hehehe, you know, Karkat, I think you might be right!" Terezi instantly regained her peppy composure and all the humans in the vicinity couldn't stop staring at her sharp, pointy fangs after that.

Karkat absolutely refused to have anything to do with broomsticks. So of course everyone (that is to say, everyone in the house younger than Mr. and Mrs. Weasley) found it imperative to put a sticking charm on the back of his shirt before shoving him in the general direction of Ginny's old Cleansweep. The plan would have had hilarious results if it had been successful, but even so, everyone found amusement with seeing Karkat scream himself hoarse with the most exquisite of the many graphic and disturbing insults in his arsenal, when he was pushed over and got his back sealed to the footpath in front of the house. Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Terezi spent a good half hour lounging in the sun and sipping apple juice as they watched Karkat threaten them VERY LOUDLY with both middle fingers fully extended in their direction. And then they THAT'S RIGHT, RUN THE F*** AWAY LIKE A BUNCH OF PANSY-ASS, CRAP-SUCKLING, GRUB-CHEWING FEAR-F***ERS when Karkat _finally_ figured out that he could just take his shirt off to escape the sticking charm.

After much _blah blah blah blah blah_, the _blah blah blah_, and then _blah blah_ the _blah_ summer finally came to an end.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 6<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: I know, I said this would take an extra week. But it didn't. It turns out I had more time to finish it than I expected. But the next chapter might be longer in coming. (Yeah, I keep saying that, and I keep breaking my word. Wwhatevver, I'm sure you guys don't mind early updates. ;P) So tell me what you think, guys! I worked pretty hard on this. Relatively speaking.

I'm afraid that I haven't been putting nearly as much focus on the HP world as I should, gah! D: But that should fix itself up once Hogwarts comes into the picture in the next chapter.

Also, is it just me or are there suddenly a bunch of HS/HP crossovers cropping up/coming back to life? :O Here I was, writing one 'CUZ THERE WEREN'T ANY TO READ, and now !suddenly!, there are all these competitors/co-writers to my precious little bore-child of a mediocre story. Or maybe I'm just that INSPIRING. (Ha. Ha. Good Joke. Best Laughter.)

I should mention that NeoDarkLight talked me into incorporating Hagrid (I'd been planning to use Hermione for Nep&Eq), plus s/he influenced some of my thoughts on future Vriska-related shenanigans. I'm too easily swayed by you people. D:

If you're wondering why I bothered putting in the bit about Karkat's bloody dreams, remember that his title IS the Knight of Blood. Greater significance? We'll see. ;D

Dang, my **Note**s are getting way too long. x( Sorry.

_Review? ;3_


	7. Chapter 7: The Hogwarts Express

**Note**: This chapter was going to contain the Sorting, but then it just started getting _way too long_, and I cut it off to make it more manageable. So the actual Sorting will happen in the next chapter! Sorry. :P

Thank you so much for all your feedback guys! :'D It really warms my heart. :3

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 7:<p>

* * *

><p>On the evening of the thirty-first of August, the students realized that when Mrs. Weasley said, "get ready to leave tomorrow," she really meant, "finish packing your trunk tonight or DIE." And so, panic and mayhem shook the Burrow that night as four students stampeded around to gather up their things. Ginny, of course, was mostly packed already, being all responsible and shit.<p>

Harry unearthed his broomstick kit wedged under the grandfather clock. No one could remember putting it there, but there it was.

Ron finally found some of his dusty spellbooks on the roof of the chicken coop. (Mrs. Weasley yelled at him for a good solid hour while everyone hid on the second landing, chortling heartily. Even Carcat. He was still sore about Operation Laugh At Carcat While He's Stuck To The Front Yard, after all, and wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to enjoy Ron's torment.)

Carcat, no wait, _Karkat_, was shit-flippingly outraged to find that after Ron had graciously offered to carve the troll's name onto his trunk, he'd done it with the incorrect spelling. ("Whoa mate! Calm down already! Why didn't you just _tell_ us that it was spelled with a K?" "BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE F***ING OBVIOUS TO EVEN THE MOST THINK-PAN-DAMAGED PIECE OF CRAP THAT'S SPENT MORE THAN THREE SECONDS OF IT'S LIFE SUCKING OXYGEN!") ...They managed to fix the abominable deed by simply adding a vertical line to the C's.

Terezi discovered that she hadn't ingested Sir Candy Delicious after all, but that he'd been living the past summer months running wild in the kitchen cupboards and feeding on dinner scraps. She charmed a basket to have a secure latch on it and tossed him in with a few carrot tops to keep him company.

By the time they all went to bed, all of their materials, robes, books, and fluffy critters were packaged up and ready to go for the next morning.

* * *

><p>On the morning of the first of September, Harry <em>Wingardium Leviosa<em>'d his school trunk down the stairs, careful to avoid knocking into Karkat, who was a few steps ahead of him.

_Bonk_.

Okay, so maybe he could've been a _little _more careful.

"F***ASS!" screamed Karkat, by way of either accusation or morning greeting, it was difficult to tell which.

"Sorry!" Harry said cheerfully, sounding almost half sorry, "I didn't see you there."

"THAT'S A F***ING STANDARD-ISSUE LIE IF I'VE EVER CAUGHT WHIFF OF ITS MISERABLE STENCH."

"Arg, fine, just _please_ hurry up already."

After a semi-chaotic breakfast, and last minute trunk-repacking, everybody managed to squeeze their way out the door and line up on the front yard to Apparate into London.

"Alright," called Mrs. Weasley, "Ginny, Karkat, Terezi, you'll need to pair up with someone because you don't know how to Apparate. Just hold on tightly to their arm, and whatever you do, _do not let go_."

"G1NNY'S MY COLOR BUDDY!" Terezi yelled, easily dragging her enormous trunk, cane, and pet-carrier-basket across the lawn and grasping Ginny's hand. Ginny laughed and shook her head.

"I can't Apparate yet, Tez!"

"Oh. Well, then I'll go with him and his SW33T BR1GHT H41R!" Terezi whipped around and snatched up Ron's hand instead (Ron rolled his eyes towards Harry in a very exasperated well-what're-ya-gonna-do-with-all-these-girls-throwing-themselves-at-me sort of way), and the two of them and their luggage vanished with a loud _crack_.

Harry stepped forward and offered his hand to Ginny, who reached out to take it.

"Wait, Harry. I'll take Ginny today and you follow up with Karkat," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Well, f***," Karkat growled. Privately, Harry harbored similar sentiments. Well, f*** indeed. Switching out Ginny for Karkat as an side-along Apparation partner? (Or _any_ kind of partner, really.) What kind of idiot would want to take a deal like that?

"Mum!" Ginny complained.

But Mrs. Weasley wrapped one hand on her daughter's wrist and the other on the handle of Ginny's trunk, and within seconds the two had disappeared into the air.

"Just so you know, we are _not_ going to hold hands like a pair of sappy as f*** matesprits."

Harry successfully resisted the urge to throw his head up at the sky and groan with frustration. It was a tough struggle, though; there were few things in this world more aggravating than Karkat's attitude. But instead, he shifted his hold on his trunk and grabbed Karkat by the wrist, pretending not to notice the disgusted look the troll sent his way.

"Alright, just so you know, Apparation isn't the most comfortable experience. Just make sure you've got a good grip on your stuff and it'll all be over soon."

"...You'd better hope for the sake of your continued physical health that that wasn't some kind of disgusting human innuendo, f***ass."

Harry gritted his teeth and turned forcefully on his heel.

After several suffocating moments suspended in space, the pair landed next to the rest of their party. Harry immediately relinquished his grip on Karkat's arm and played deaf to the troll's loud and reasonably creative spew of complaining expletives. He dragged his trunk over to Ginny, who was attempting to pull a the hood of a red jacket over Terezi's horns with limited success. Suddenly, with a hearty tug and a harsh ripping sound, Terezi's pointy horns punched through the material of the jacket and the hood came down enough to better hide her face. Harry stifled a chortle as Ginny zipped the jacket up past Terezi's chin and stepped back to admire her handiwork. Mrs. Weasley sucked air between her teeth and tipped her head to the side as though a different angle would make Terezi look more human. But the young troll grinned up at them cheerily, flashing her fangs.

"No, Terezi, you have to put your teeth away and try and hide as much of your face as you can. What do you think, Harry? Is this good enough to fool a Muggle?"

"Er, we can always just say the gray skin is face paint, I guess," Harry shrugged.

"Oh, yes! Good thinking... Karkat! Come over here, we need you to cover up too."

"F*** no. I'm not going to put a flamboyant load of suffocating _red cloth_ over my head. This isn't some f***ing stupid human game show where all the nookjabbers gather around to..."

"Stop whining and just put on this hooded sweater, Karkat... Oh goodness, what will we do about his eyes?"

"I have an extra pair of R3D GL4SS3S! They'll hide his eyes P3RF3CTLY!"

"F*** NO!" Karkat protested, grudgingly dragging the baggy black sweater over his head.

"He'll be fine if he pulls the hood down over his eyes," said Ron impatiently.

"Yeah, c'mon, we're gonna miss the bus to Kings Cross," Harry added, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Alright then," Mrs. Weasly said, anxiously checking her watch, "Stay close and follow me everyone. The bus stop is just a block away."

* * *

><p>Nepeta was practically bouncing off the walls of Hagrid's cabin with excitement, coming dangerously close to upsetting a jar of toxic Acromantula venom on more than one occasion. She was already wearing her school robes, which she'd attached her stuffed blue tail to long ago, and alternated between growling playfully at Fang and trying to clamber on top of Hagrid's tall, wooden wardrobe and across the ceiling. Equius, meanwhile, was sitting stoically at the table, crunching down a few of Hagrid's rock cakes without even wincing.<p>

_Smash!_

"Nepeta. Do try to contain yourself," Equius sighed, as he stood up to repair the rather ugly brown vase Nepeta had knocked over from the table as she'd fallen from the ceiling and landed on it.

"I'm sooorry! I'm just so pawsitively excited! We'll be seeing everyone fur the furst time in _months_!" she cried happily, tugging her blue-knitted hat down on her head and grinning impishly. "Or, almost everyone..." she added as an afterthought.

Just then, Hagrid pushed open the door to the hut and walked in, carrying a large handful of unicorn hair, which he hung up onto a hook on the ceiling. Within moments, he took notice of the rather poorly _Reparo'd_ vase in Equius' hands.

"Yeh need to practice tha' spell some more, Equius," Hagrid said, taking it from the troll and setting it back on the table. "And you," he said, turning to Nepeta, who was currently attempting to do cartwheels in the rather restricted space of the cabin, "Go outside an' take care o' the Kneazles if yeh've got so much energy. The Fire Crabs could use some feedin', too."

"Okay!" she said happily, saluting him and scurrying out the door.

"She's alrigh', she is," said Hagrid fondly as the door slammed behind her (the slam was impressive, considering the door's heavy weight).

"Well... yes. Indeed she is quite alright," Equius said stiffly.

"Both of yeh are pretty decent at helpin' me with the creatures," Hagrid said, sitting down at the table and helping himself to a rock cake, "So yeh'll take my Care o' Magical Creatures class when the term starts?"

"I don't see why not."

"Wonder what House you two'll be sorted into..." Hagrid mused, "She's a toe in ta Hufflepuff, if yeh ask me. You, though..."

"I will go assist her with the Fire Crabs," Equius said, glancing out the window a little worriedly, "She needs to be e%tra wary of burns with that 100dicrous cloak on."

"Griffindor?" Hagrid asked no one in particular as Equius followed Nepeta out the door, "...Eh."

* * *

><p>"Get a move on," Draco snapped, kicking Eridan in the shin as Feferi and Sollux vanished together through the platform.<p>

"Wwhat makes you think I'm goin' to just _wwalk_ my wway into a wwall?"

"Ugh! Now I _know_ you're using words with 'W' in them just to irritate me!" Draco snarled, ignoring the Muggles that were staring curiously at Eridan's skin and horns. Luckily, most of them seemed too busy with their own little lives to spend much time ogling his odd skin tone.

"Damn f***in' straight. You wwimpy little wwuss," Eridan snapped, crossing his arms belligerently and sneering as he stuck his nose in the air - a very _Malfoy-esque_ move that he'd learned from none other than Draco, King of Sneers himself.

Draco growled under his breath and shifted the cage of his eagle-owl to rest more safety on his luggage. He glanced around at the crowds and suddenly noticed a flash of red hair farther up the station. Crap. Like _hell_ he'd willingly talk to those guys. They were the absolute last people on the planet he felt like sharing a conversation with. Especially not here, in the company of Muggles and dull-witted troll.

"Oh, forget it. I'll just go ahead and leave you here, if you're gonna be so dense!" Draco hissed, pushing his trolly to line up with the brick wall. "Just don't come crying to me when you get picked up by a bunch of Muggles who decide your teeth look _wweird_, and cut you to pieces trying to figure out why."

Draco pushed his trolly into the wall and vanished. After contemplating the increased number of Muggles that were leering at him, Eridan finally stopped being a wweenie and followwed suit.

* * *

><p>Karkat eyed the very <em>solid<em> brick wall in front of him with a critical eye that was extremely skilled with judging the solidity of various objects, thanks to sweeps and sweeps of tireless practice. Yep. It was indeed a _solid_ brick wall, and there was absolutely no f***ing around with that base fact. None.

"Alright, Ron, Ginny, you two go first," Mrs. Weasley said.

Terezi sniggered under her breath as the two of them confidently walked straight though the very _solid_ brick wall and disappeared.

"Go on then, you three."

Harry nodded and lined his trolly up with the very _solid_ brick wall, ready to go charging through it in all it's glorious _solidity_,like the idiot dumbass he was.

"Seeing as I'm apparently the only _sane_ one left in this miserable excuse for a party, I'd like to clarify the idea that we're trying to walk through a _solid_ brick wall. Just _checking_, you know, that you are asking us to take a f***ing cheery little frolic through a barrier clearly designed to do _anything_ other than allow passageway for people? As in, it's clearly better designed for permanently denting anything that collides with it?" Karkat said, rather loudly.

"Yes, Karkat," Mrs. Weasley said with utmost exasperation, "But look, Ginny and Ron have already got through, it's fine. Just go at it with a bit of a jog if you're nervous."

"Oh yeah? Well just because it works on a human doesn't mean that it'll work on a f***ing _solid_ troll like me! I don't know if you humans are all made of f***ing SUNSHINE and SPARKING-ASS FAIRY DUST, but as far as I know, SOLID BRICK WALLS AREN'T MEANT TO BE _WALKED_ THROUGH!" Karkat yelled. A few passing Muggles turned to stare curiously at him, but he didn't even bother to pull his hood down over his eyes, instead opting to glare venomously at Mrs. Weasley.

"Well, we'll find out, won't we?" Harry groaned, quite impatient, "What's the worst that can happen?"

"WELL THAT'S EASY FOR A GRUESOME GRUBF***ER LIKE YOU TO SA-"

Terezi roundhouse-kicked Karkat in the back, launching both him and his trolley straight through the gate and out of sight. Harry had hardly a chance to start laughing in shock and joy before Terezi beat him to the first round of insane cackling.

"H3H3H3H3H3H3! Well, I guess that clears up that question!" she exclaimed cheerfully, grabbing her own trolley with both hands and wheeling it through without hesitation.

Harry and Mrs. Weasley gazed after her with something between bemusement and reverence.

"You know Harry, I never thought I'd find such brash young lady so endearing."

"Yeah, me neither."

"Well, I best be off then! Have a wonderful year!"

* * *

><p>"Look, it's Hermione! HERMIONE!" Ron shouted, waving his arm high above his head and weaving through the crowd.<p>

"Ron? Harry? Ginny?" Hermione called, smiling and waving in reply.

"YEAH DON'T MIND US, WE'RE NOT F***ING _PRESENT_ OR ANYTHING!" Karkat yelled.

The students (most of them younger), were staring wide-eyed at the trolls as they passed by. Parents who'd accompanied their children were equally astonished at the sight of people with horns walking among them, and some even pulled their kids to the side when they saw Terezi's impressive set of sharp fangs.

"Hello Harry! I see you've got a couple new friends with you!" someone called from behind them. They all turned to see Luna, and a troll who was about half a head taller than everyone around him, making their way towards them through the crowd on the platform.

"GAMZEE?" Karkat yelled, partially in shock, partially in relief, and partially with a sense of impending doom. Everyone who'd been staring at the two shorter trolls found their eyes glued to the far more imposing newcomer (the face paint and tall horns did nothing to make him look any less fearsome).

"HeY tHeRe, BeSt FrIeNd!" Gamzee smiled, walking unhindered through the space people had left on the platform as they scurried out of his way. He leaned forward and hugged Karkat, picking him up despite the latter's LOUD PROTESTS. The watching humans in the vicinity were all torn between sniggering and fear. Ron, however, was laughing unabashedly at the sight of Karkat screaming and kicking to no avail.

"And hey, Terezi!" Gamzee added, dropping Karkat to the platform like a stone (F***ING SHIT-SUCKING _HELL!_) to fistbump the bespectacled troll.

After some more greetings and swearing, the motley group soon boarded the train and squeezed into a compartment, just as the train began to roll out of the station. Ginny, determining that the she'd much rather move to a compartment with more breathing room, bid her leave. Meanwhile Gamzee watched, wide-eyed, as the countryside began to flash by the window faster and faster.

"It'S a MiRaClE," he breathed, pressing his nose against the glass.

"The f*** is this train thing, anyway?" Karkat asked loudly, "Is it like a bullshit grounded spaceship for f***tards who can't fly?"

"Yes, Karkat. That is exactly what it is," Hermione said, her voice deadpan as she bent down to unclasp a pet carrier. Suddenly, her cat Crookshanks pelted out from the carrier Hermione had unlatched, and landed claws-first in Karkat's face, hissing up a storm.

Several students and a prefect came to see what the ensuing F***ING PAINFULASS GRUBCRAPPING racket was about. A pair of second years stood just outside the compartment doors, mesmerized at the spectacle of A Calm Hermione trying to pull A Large Cat off A Screaming Karkat Face. After a long, unbroken stream of cursing and flailing finally settled down into relative tranquility, Karkat was left growling under his breath with his hood pulled down protectively over his entire face, and Crookshanks was left curled up and purring contentedly in his lap. No one was sure how it had happened, but Crookshanks had apparently decided that Karkat's lap was the optimum location to spend the rest of the train ride.

Terezi sniffed the air, her grin widening. "1 TH1NK 1 SM3LL SOME C4NDY R3D, K4RK4T!"

Everyone except Gamzee stared at her oddly and she stood and leaned closer to sniff Karkat's face. He grabbed his hood and pulled it down as far as it would go.

"Candy red?" Hermione asked curiously, scooting forward a little, trying to get a closer look at Karkat.

"We think she's got a fetish for the color," Ron said simply, "I dunno if it's a girl troll thing, or..."

Terezi suddenly succeeded in ripping Karkat's hood away from his face, and he screamed loudly enough to make everyone in the compartment (minus a somewhat dazed Gamzee), wince in pain. Ron and Harry promptly covered their ears with their hands - a valuable eardrum-preserving reflex they'd quickly picked up and honed with the arrival of Karkat to the Burrow.

"Hehehehehe come on Nubby, I can lick it better..."

"HOLY GODDAMNED _HELL NO_, KEEP YOUR DISGUSTING PREHENSILE TONGUE AWAY FROM ME, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE F*** YOU'VE BEEN USING IT! AND GIMME BACK MY HOOD!"

"It's alright, Karkat, your blood's not nearly as freakish as you say it is!"

At this, the humans renewed their curious scrutiny of Karkat's face. What they saw was far from impressive, in their opinions.

"Er, that's just red, right?" Ron asked, glancing around at the other occupants of the compartment in confusion. Hermione finally got some sense into her and waved her wand, making the scratches disappear from his face. Terezi snarled quite furiously at the loss of her C4NDY R3D D3L1C1OUS, and Karkat pulled the hood back over his head, falling uncharacteristically silent.

"Wait, Terezi, can you explain why he freaked out?"

She pouted and fell back to her seat. "He's got the most delicious mutant blood color on the hemospectrum, and he has to go H1D3 it all the time. It's a f***ing waste, if you ask me!"

"So..." Hermione said slowly, "Trolls have different colors of blood?"

"Y3P! It's a blood caste system, actually! If you're at the bottom of the hemospectrum, you're lower on the social ladder. Also your lifespan is shorter," she glanced at Karkat, "Although, with blood like his, we don't really know how long he'll live, do we Nubsykins?"

Karkat was silent.

"So what color is your blood?" Hermione asked. If she'd had a quill and parchment in front of her, she would have most likely been taking detailed notes at a breakneck speed.

"Teal," Terezi said cheerily, "Pretty high up, but too close to green to actually make me royalty, hehehe. It's better that way anyway, highbloods are nearly all a bunch of stinky snobs."

"And... Gamzee?"

"Indigo. About as high as you can get for a land dwelling troll, but he's so laid back, you hardly notice it."

"So what's the order of colors?"

"Well, red's at the bottom..."

"So Karkat..."

"Hehehehehehe, nope! His color is MUT4NT! It's not represented on the traditional hemospectrum! I guess he was afraid of being culled so he's been hiding it all his life."

"Culled?"

Ron yawned very visibly and glanced out the door of the compartment, clearly anticipating the arrival of the food trolley.

* * *

><p>Several compartments down the train, Sollux was scrolling through his hands-free communications device.<p>

"Everyone'2 here, ii thiink. Except for Vriska and Aradia, but everyone else is showing up on Trollian."

"That's good!" Feferi smiled, "Maybe we're even on the same train!"

Eridan grumbled from his corner of the compartment and hitched his scarf higher up on his face. There were far too many human grubs milling around for him to feel comfortable, especially not when they were all staring unabashedly at him like he was a fascinating photograph. F***in' pissed him off. _They_ the freakish ones, just look at their wweird, flappy skin and their stupid, enormous eyes and their flattened, useless teeth! He _hated_ the lot of them.

Draco had left them almost immediately upon guiding them through the gate and onto the platform. Apparently he didn't want to be a "Stupid embarrassing _babysitter_ of a bunch of _trolls _for the rest of my life, so I'm going off to find my _friends_ now, don't try to follow me." To which Sollux replied, "Sure. Hope I don't see you later, either. You collection of twitchy little 2ucker2pasm2."

* * *

><p>Draco Malfoy settled down in a Slytherin compartment with Blaise Zambini, Pansy Parkinson, and Gregory Goyle.<p>

"Hello Draco," Gregory said.

"Draco!" Pansy smiled, "It's been a long time!"

"Yeah," Draco shrugged, shoving his trunk under the seats and flopping dramatically down onto one.

"Hey mate, have you seen all the things coming onboard? Everyone say's they're 'trolls'." Blaise said, "Crazy, huh? You think it's true, Hogwarts is letting the beasts in to study?"

"Oh, it's true alright," Draco said, rolling his eyes and sighing dramatically as he lounged back into his seat, "Three of them landed in my back garden this summer and got owls mailed to them from the school. I had to share the Manor with them, Mother and Father said we had to, if you can believe it. I don't know _what_ the world's coming to. The school was always a bit of a joke, but this is just ridiculous. Sharing my house with a bunch of _trolls_, I mean, really. I have no idea what got into my parents' heads."

Pansy nodded her head in agreement and Blaise raised his eyebrows incredulously at the tale. Goyle, to his merit, scratched his head a little and frowned.

"It wasn't all _completely_ terrible," Draco admitted in a very, very, very rare moment of downplaying an opportunity to be a drama queen, "They're not _entirely_ uncivilized, surprisingly. Speak English and everything. Although I think the fishy guy with glasses tried to ask me out at one point."

At this, Blaise started laughing, slapping the wall with his hand. "What'd you say? D'you get engaged?"

"Yeah, I mean, obviously. _Trolls_ are all so _attractive_, how could I resist?" Draco said, smirking.

Blaise exploded into another peal of laughter, and Gregory added a supportive guffaw. Even Pansy covered her mouth and giggled a bit.

"But seriously, say HELL NO if any of them ask you to be their Kismesis," Draco said, his tone of voice suddenly becoming serious.

"Does 'Kismesis' mean 'Lover'?" Blaise snorted.

Draco shook his head, "Nah. It's some weird troll thing where you get romantic with someone who hates your guts."

Pansy wrinkled her nose and squinted quizzically at Draco, "How does that work?"

"Haha, you and Potter should definitely start goin' out, then," Blaise snickered, "Best hate date pair in the school."

"Stuff it, Zambini!" Draco snarled angrily.

"Do you _haaaaaaaate_ me Draco?" Blaise asked, fluttering his eyelashes in mock flirtation.

"I said _shut up_!"

* * *

><p>Back in the crowded compartment starring Harry Potter the Great, Hermione was getting a lecture on trollmance from Karkat, who'd finally stopped being sore about the blood on his face. Ron was ready to drop dead from boredom. Luckily for Harry, he'd succeeded in tuning out the conversation altogether, and was currently staring out the window at the cloudy horizon with a blank expression on his face that oddly resembled Gamzee's. The topic being covered at that moment had to do with the nuances of the ashen quadrant.<p>

"So a pair of auspitices basically help each other out by auspitizing any potentially black romances that aren't really meant to be. Having an auspitice on hand is especially important for trolls who have a tendency to go overboard with their hate for any old troll..."

Ron was momentarily roused from his stupor to add a couple tokens to the conversation, "So I guess you'd need an entire army of auspicities to deal with everybody you hate?"

There was a brief scuffle as Karkat made to punch Ron from the other side of Harry and Harry (accidentally) got in the way through the innocuous act of sitting between the two.

"Thank you, Harry!" Ron exclaimed in a grossly exaggerated, thankful voice, "Thank you _ever_ so much for auspitising between us! Who knows what kind of horrendously twisted half-troll children I might have had with this freak otherwise..."

Karkat was not amused. But no one gave a shit about Karkat. They all thought Ron was absolutely hilarious, and laughed loudly to show their appreciation for the comic relief. However, a rapping noise suddenly came from the door, quieting the mirthful ruckus in the compartment.

"Would any of you like something off the trolly?"

"OH M3M3M3!" Terezi called, waving her hand so vigorously that she nearly slapped several people full in the face.

"What would you like then, dear?" asked the woman as she rearranged a few items on the trolly, apparently unfazed by Terezi's leering fangs.

"Wait, guys, what's on the trolly?" Terezi questioned.

"Get some pumpkin pasties!" Ron called.

"And some chocolate frogs!" Harry added.

"You're going to ruin your appetite for the feast!" Hermione warned, but no one heeded her. There were heaps of sugar just waiting to be consumed. Appetite for an actual meal would have take a backseat. Clearly.

After looting a good portion of snacks from the trolly, everyone settled back to chew through said loot. Karkat opened a chocolate frog box, and the contained frog made a swift bid for freedom. It's freedom was short-lived, however, since Karkat caught it by the leg mid-hop as it attempted to flee off his lap. He stared in fascination at its wriggling for a minute, shrugged, and popped it into his mouth.

"I wonder what Houses you trolls will be sorted into," Hermione wondered aloud, ignoring the sugary treats being wolfed down around her, "I can't really imagine..."

"Hehe, what exactly are these 'Houses' anyway?" Terezi inquired around a daring mouthful of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

"Just different groupings of students that you'll be living with and taking classes with, but they all have their own characteristics," Hermione said.

"Yeah," Harry added, "For example, us three are all in Griffindor, where the 'courageous' are sorted or something."

"Courageous idiots," Ron cut in proudly, speaking words of wisdom (for once). He finished the noble thought by forcibly cramming an entire pumpkin pasty into his mouth and attempting to chew the hulking mess. (Hermione made a vague noise of disgust and rolled her eyes.)

"It's more flexible than you'd think, though," Harry added, as an afterthought.

"I'm in Ravenclaw," said Luna lightly, "Our determining traits are said to be intelligence and imagination."

"Are there any others, then?" Karkat asked, swallowing his chocolate frog and wondering what the hell he could possibly qualify for.

"Well, there's Hufflepuff. They're hard workers, just, and loyal. I have a couple very nice friends from Hufflepuff," Luna said.

Karkat snorted, "Are you f***ing serious? They named a House 'Hufflepuff'?"

"It's better than being sorted into Slytherin," Ron said scathingly (he'd miraculously consumed the entire pasty already and was in the middle of unwrapping another), "Most of them are snobby, stuck-up prats who think they rule the world. If you lot get sorted there, I'm sorry, but I'm _morally_ obligated to disown any kind of friendship we might've had and shove a fat broomstick right up your..."

"Ron!" Hermione scolded.

"What! _He_ says stuff like that all the time!" Ron pointed at Karkat.

"Yes, but it's unbecoming!"

"It really is," Luna said seriously, staring at Karkat disconcertingly with wide-open eyes.

Gamzee suddenly piped up with a sleepy, "Yeah. Not cool, bro. You gotta be chill, not all up and spreading the profanities like that."

Karkat glared at the other troll, his face looking as though he'd been deeply betrayed or affronted. What business did Gamzee have, berating him like that? With Gamzee it was always "MoThErF***InG tHiS" or "MoThErF***InG tHaT." Talk about a hypocrite.

"How do you get sorted?" Terezi asked, spitting a mustard-flavored bean squarely onto Karkat's nose. It bounced off and fell to the floor, but not before leaving a small, sticky yellow mark on his nose. (WHAT THE F*** TEREZI! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT SALIVA-ENCRUSTED FLECKS OF _SHIT_ STUCK TO MY FACE?)

"Well, there's this hat, see..." Hermione began, completely disregarding Karkat's ranting.

* * *

><p>Closer to the front of the train was a compartment with Tavros, Kanaya, Dean, Seamus, and Neville. They were all getting along quite well, sharing their own stash of chocolate frogs with civility and courtesy. (Never mind that civility and courtesy are practically synonyms.)<p>

Kanaya delicately held a struggling chocolate frog in her hand, staring at it quizzically.

"I presume that this is not, in fact, an actual, living, amphibious creature?" she asked the compartment at large.

"Nah, it moves 'cause of a charm, don't worry. You can eat it," Dean assured her.

"Yes," she mused, "I do suppose it would be somewhat of a strain to round up every individual frog, if all foodstuffs potentially fell under the category of the Illegal Contraband necessary to synthesize a new universe."

Everyone in the compartment paused in their snacking to stare at her blankly.

"Although being able to consume your Illegal Contraband might be useful if you were to find yourself trapped between a Dersian Law Enforcer and a solid brick wall." She glanced down at the chocolate frog again, "On the other hand..."

"Kanaya," Neville said, his face twitching as though it couldn't fully decide between laughter or a polite smile, "Just eat it, alright? It's just chocolate."

"If you declare it to be so."

* * *

><p>Several hours later, once the sun had fully set, the Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmede, and the students all began to pile off the train, leaving their baggage behind to be taken up to the castle. Karkat was in the middle of pulling his school robes over his head at this time, and was blocking up the other members of the compartment as they tried to squeeze their way past him. The girls had already changed in a separate compartment and gone ahead to join the stream of students squeezing onto the platform.<p>

"Come _on_, mate, just budge over three inches!" Ron hissed.

"You tell me how the f*** I'm supposed to _budge_ when I'm drowning in shitty _miles_ of this crappy black _dress?_" shouted a muffled voice from under a pile of dark cloth.

"For the last time, it's a _robe_!" Harry groaned.

"'ROBE' IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR 'DRESS,' YOU EMPTY-PANNED F***ASS!" Karkat screamed.

"We need to catch up with Luna and Hermione if we want to get on the same carriage as them! _C'mon_ Karkat, just shove your arse out of the way and let us through!"

"F*** YOU!"

"PeAcE oUt, brother, it's cool," Gamzee said placidly, as he took hold of the back of Karkat's robes and dragged him out of the way of the compartment door.

"_Finally!_ We'll see you two up at the castle, then!" Ron said, waving goodbye and pushing his way down the aisle.

Karkat's snarling head finally emerged from the neck hole of the robe, and he commenced to drag his arms through the arm holes with far more force than necessary. Within minutes, the two trolls opened the compartment and headed down the train.

"You know, best bud, there's a clasp on the front. You could've just all opened it to get the robe over your school uniform," Gamzee said as they stepped into the night air.

"...Great, Gamzee. Thanks for telling me that _after_ I took my scrawny self and planted it firmly and irretrievably in the throne as King of F***ERS WHO CAN'T DRESS THEMSELVES WORTH SHIT BECAUSE THEIR LUSI DO IT FOR THEM EVERY DAY. I mean, wow, thanks, I appreciate how you're always looking out for me and letting me know how _not_ to embarrass myself. You f***tard."

"No problem, bro," Gamzee replied sincerely.

Most of the students were moving en masse away from the platform, but a loud voice was calling out from another direction, directing younger students toward it.

"Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" yelled an enormous human with a lantern in one hand.

"This way, idiot," Karkat growled, grabbing Gamzee by the sleeve of his robes and dragging him toward the towering man. A large group of minuscule human children were already gathered around the giant, along with several trolls. The human children seemed torn between staring saucer-eyed at the tall human and staring saucer-eyed at the trolls. The miserable little saucer-eyed grubs. They needed to learn how to keep their eyes to themselves before a certain grumpy troll got fed up and showed them something they could _really_ feast their eyes on.

Namely, an projectile-vomited explosion of unadulterated _RAGE_.

"KK?"

Karkat turned around. "Sollux? Thank the heavens' glorious _shit_. Here I was, thinking I'd be stuck with Gamzee to suffer these grubshitters' curious little molesting _stares_."

(A first year whispered questioningly to his friend about what 'grubshitter' and 'molesting' meant, and his friend wisely stated that they must be 'funky troll words.')

"Ye2, I guess you feel that much better when you have someone else to share the grubshitting gazes with," Sollux smirked.

"Finally, someone who F***ING UNDERSTANDS!" Karkat yelled, throwing his hands in the air with mock jubilation.

"You there!" called the enormous human, waving the lantern though the air, "Watch yer language! And the rest of yeh, stick close, we'll be headin' for the castle!"

The tall human set off, the first year students all following. The trolls, meanwhile, fell to the rear of the crowd.

"Karcat!" squealed a certain ecstatic troll, bounding away from her position beside the giant human to join the trolls at the back of the parade. ("Here comes your crush," Sollux observed. "Shut your ugly trash trap and shove it up your hideous nook," Karkat muttered, just as he was _glomp_'d violently by Nepeta.) Meanwhile, Feferi and Terezi chatted animatedly about the merits of protective eyewear. Eridan slunk several steps behind them, frowning to himself and trying to continue denying the existence of magic, even as an errant first-year waved her wand boastfully, nearly setting fire to an adjacent student's hair.

The students all piled into boats and set sail across the inky lake and toward the castle. The sky overhead wasn't cloudless, but it was clear enough for the stars to shine down strongly on the water and provide a spectacular backdrop for the imposing Hogwarts castle. The air had cooled off quite a bit as night had fallen, and the moon shined coldly against the sky as the first-year Hogwarts students gazed wordlessly up at the school.

* * *

><p>Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat down at the Griffindor table, and the other students did the same, shuffling around and calling out to friends. When everyone was finally seated, Professor McGonagall stood and cleared her throat. There was immediate silence in the crowded hall.<p>

"I will save most of my speech until after the Sorting and dining, but there are a couple things I would like to touch upon before either shall begin. Firstly, you must all have noticed the additional passengers on the train."

The students remained silent. Quite a few shifted to face McGonagall better. Indeed, the entire hall felt as though it were leaning forward to hear her next words. Only Draco, at the Slytherin table, leaned back and stared at the ceiling as though he had far better things to be doing with his time.

"There will be twelve of these students, and although there are only ten attending today, the other two will assuredly come to study among us later in the year. These twelves students are, in fact, trolls. I should be noted that 'Trolls' is what they call themselves, but they are quite different from the traditional trolls we are familiar with in this day and age. I will make this indelibly clear in order to forestall any ridiculous rumors: they are trolls, they are not human, and they are from another universe."

There was a sudden wash suppressed whispering among the students. McGonagall tapped her wand sternly against the table, and the silence fell once more.

"They are attending Hogwarts for the very same reasons that you are - to study magic, and therefore they shall be placed in classes according to their current ability. I expect you to treat them with the respect you would show to any other student. They may be trolls, but they are just as intelligent as you or I. Anyone treating them with racist disrespect will be severely punished."

She surveyed the hall sternly through her spectacles. Hardly anyone breathed or moved. The dark windows and floating candlelight suddenly felt almost oppressively suspenseful, the warm light casting serious shadows on McGonagall's face.

"The second thing I would like to announce, although I'm sure you are all already aware, is that I am the new Headmistress of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

The sudden change in topic threw many of the students off, and scattered, polite clapping started up as the students whispered among themselves. However, the applause picked up to a full, more suitable welcoming ovation as McGonagall nodded curtly and sat back down at the head table.

"Imagine that!" Parvati said excitedly as the applause died down, "I was wondering what those things were doing on the train..."

"I shared a compartment with a couple," Dean said boastfully, "They were actually alright. Not like beasts or anything."

"Ooooh, really?"

Just then, the doors of the Great Hall groaned open mightily, and the new students of Hogwarts began filing through.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 7<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: So was that alright? This felt like a good place to end the chapter, lol. I hope this chapter is up to your standards. :D

I had a lot of suffering trying to juggle all the characters in the simple after-train scene, you have no idea. Dx Also, I kept getting the feeling that this chapter had too much dialogue in comparison to prose. I've edited this SO MUCH you WOULDN'T BELIEVE... Anyway. :P

_Review? :3_


	8. Chapter 8: The Sorting

**Note**: Okay, so I know this is quite late from my usual update schedule. I'm sorry! But I have my excuses ready! Uh, life's been busy. Also I've been feeling ill. Plus I procrastinated. And my dog ate my digital chapter copies. (Okay that was a lie. I'm no good at excuses. Just slap me now. Thank you.)

And thank you SO MUCH for all your reviews! Golly. Like whoa. Thanks so much! (And also Ace... Gamzee will get to play his part, not necessarily exactly as you described, but yes indeed.) ;)

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 8:<p>

* * *

><p>The doors to the Great hall opened, and a line of first-years walked down the hall, looking small and nervous as they approached the Hat. Then, at the back of the line, a troll came into view, shoulders slightly slouched but head held high. More trolls soon showed, following behind him in a line.<p>

"See the one in the front there?" Ron whispered to Seamus, "That one stayed over at my place this summer."

"No kidding?" Seamus muttered, his eyes not leaving the procession.

The Hall was uncharacteristically lacking in applause as the older students all craned their necks curiously to stare at the upcoming trolls. It was just so strange to see these foreign creatures walking among this school. Surely this was an unprecedented event in Hogwarts History. The alphabetical sorting list of first-years was interspersed with the names of the trolls. Each House cheered and clapped heartily, as according to tradition and enthusiasm, although their applause was decidedly more polite and cautions for the trolls, especially the first few.

* * *

><p>"Eridan Ampora!"<p>

Eridan strode forward, eyes cast straight ahead, and hoped that he looked _wway_ more confident than he felt. He picked up the old, decrepit hat and set it carefully on his head as he sat on the stool. The hat didn't sit very well on his horns, but almost immediately he heard a voice whispering in his ear.

_Well, what do we have here?_

_"This is not magic,"_ he thought determinedly to himself. The hat chuckled.

_Hm, I would've expected a foreign species to be harder to sort, but you're surprisingly simple in this case. Extremely proud, highly ambitious, and with an unscrupulous streak in your quest to gain power. You've already done quite a bit of damage in your life, young man._

Eridan frowned. _"Wwhatevver. Just sort me already."_

_Certainly._

"**SLYTHERIN**!" the hat yelled. Eridan immediately removed it from his head and headed for the clapping table, hoping that the sneer on his face was convincing.

* * *

><p>"Sollux Captor!"<p>

Sollux waved goodbye to Feferi and Karkat before strolling forward calmly and picking the hat up with one hand, dropping it on his head and sitting down on the stool.

_Hacking? That's an interesting past time._

_"Thank you, ii gue22."_

_You're intelligent, that much is clear, but are you creative? ...Yes, yes, that was quite the ingenious code, goodness. Will its effects harm those all around us?_

_"Probably," _Sollux shrugged.

_As worrisome as that is, I'd say you're a dead ringer for... _"**RAVENCLAW**!"

Sollux put the hat back on the stool and walked towards the Ravenclaw table.

* * *

><p>"Nepeta Leijon!"<p>

Without any hesitation, Nepeta bounded forward enthusiastically and jammed the hat on her head before crouching down on the stool. A few students laughed despite themselves at her overeager demeanor.

_My, you're an energetic one._

_"Yep! I'm just so happy to be back with my furiends!"_

_Interesting. Your associated sign is Leo._

_":33"_

_But as for your personality, I think perhaps... Oh, my._

_":33?"_

_Did you really attack Gamzee to avenge your meowrail? Without thought to your own safety?_

_"Oh! Are you reading my mind? That's impurright! Besides, I don't want to think about that, Gamzee's a good furiend too, and... :'(("_

_I apologize for intruding. But now the choice clear._ "**GRIFFINDOR**!"

Nepeta discreetly wiped a couple tears from her eyes and dropped the hat to the stool, rushing to the Griffindor table with a smile on her face.

* * *

><p>"Gamzee Makara!"<p>

Gamzee strolled forward languidly and picked up the hat before sitting down on the chair and nearly skewering the hat on his horns. Luckily, the hat pulled up its brim to allow Gamzee to put it on his head without any damage.

_So, you're Gamzee, are you?_

_"ThAt'S rIgHt.__"_ Gamzee smiled slightly.

_Interesting. You're under the heavy influence of Pacification Potion, and it seems like in this state, you are quite the easygoing individual, and hold your friends in high regard._

_"YeP."_

_But when you're out of potion... When you're in your natural state... That is quite shocking. Hm. Perhaps you should be Slytherin?_

_"AnYtHiNg'S gOoD, bRoHaT."_

_Goodness, this is difficult... but I do think it would be best if I put you in... _"**GRIFFINDOR**!"

Gamzee dropped the hat and loped off to the Griffindor table.

* * *

><p>"Kanaya Maryam!"<p>

Kanaya stepped forward, somewhat nervously, and carefully arranged the hat on her head before sinking onto the stool.

_Hm... Loyal and just, yet very intelligent and artistic. It's either Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw, I'd say. How do you feel about being sorted?_

_"I Would Be Fine Wherever You Decide Is Best. Where I Stand Now, I Do Not Have The Adequate Knowledge To Place Myself. And Truly, It Does Not Matter To Me Quite So Much."_

_Well then, if that's the case... _"**RAVENCLAW**!"

Kanaya stood and went to join Sollux at the Ravenclaw table.

* * *

><p>"Tavros Nitram!"<p>

Nervously, Tavros stumbled forward and sat on the stool, placing the hat gingerly on his head.

_You aren't very sure of yourself, are you?_

_"uH, wELL, ,,"_

_I see. Well, you are most definitely loyal to your friends, and hold fair play in high regard. Would you agree?_

_"uH,, i DON'T,, ,"_

The hat chuckled slightly. "**HUFFLEPUFF**!"

Tavros nearly fell flat on his face as he tripped over his robes on his way to the Hufflepuff table.

* * *

><p>"Feferi Peixes!"<p>

Smiling widely, Feferi walked up to the stool and set the hat on her head, holding her hands together -EXCIT-EDLY.

_It seems as though you were being groomed as Heiress on your home planet. That certainly took some nerve, no?_

_"Glub? Well, I suppos-E!"_

_Not particularly ambitious for the position though, if I'm reading you correctly. But you are very close to Sollux, are you not? That time when..._

_")(-EY! Don't look into all my t)(oughts and memories like that!"_

_And you do treat your friends fairly, despite their differing blood statuses._

_"O)(, well, of COURS-E!"_

_This makes it fairly simple then._ "**HUFFLEPUFF**!"

Feferi stood and replaced the hat on the stool, jogging up to the Hufflepuff table to applause and cheers.

* * *

><p>"Terezi Pyrope!"<p>

Terezi cackled loudly and confidently, rapping her cane against the floor sharply and taking the other students by surprise. She marched up to the stool and jammed the hat onto her head with a flourish, grinning in anticipation.

_Quite the energy you have there, Miss Pyrope._

_"H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3!"_

_Let's se... I'd say you're most definitely cut out for Slytherin. You do treasure your friends, and you have a strong sense of justice, but you're are also as manipulative and cunning as they come. Yes, I'd definitely say Slytherin._

_"H3Y H4T, WH4T'S YOUR POL1CY 1F 1 TH1NK SL1TH3R1N T4ST3S L1KE SL1ME?"_

_Excuse me? What exactly are you implying?_

_"1F YOU PUT M3 1N SLYTH3R1N, 1 TH1NK YOUR BR1M H4S 4 GOOD CH4NC3 OF C4TCH1NG F1R3, 1F YOU C4TCH MY F1R3Y DR1FT!"_

_...That was hardly subtle, Terezi. I'm not very impressed._

_"TH3R3'S NO W4Y 1'M GO1NG TO SLYTHERST1NK WH3N 1 C4N B3 ON T34M C4NDY R3D 4W3SOM3_!"

_...Very well._

"**GRIFFINDOR**!"

Terezi grinned triumphantly and slammed the hat back down on the stool before striding forward to the Griffindor table.

* * *

><p>"Karkat Vantas!"<p>

Growling slightly, Karkat stepped forward and picked up the hat between the tips of his fingers. He winced as he set it on his head; the thing looked and smelled so old, it was probably diseased and infested with all manner of shit-eating insects.

_I do not appreciate that thought, Karkat Vantas._

_"WELL I DON'T F***ING APPRECIATE YOU LISTENING IN ON MY THOUGHTS, YOU LOUSY COLLECTION OF MOLDY, PUKE-RIDDEN, STENCH INFESTATIONS."_

_That was very eloquent,_ said the hat dryly, _Now, let's see... Well, this is more of a challenge. Your intelligence isn't all that bad, and you've definitely got plenty of ambition. You are extremely loyal to those you care for, and do not shy away from confrontation. Ah, you were prepared to stop Gamzee yourself?_

_"WHAT! WHO SAID YOU COULD LOOK AT THAT? F*** OFF AND GET OUT OF MY HEAD, STINKWAD! JUST COME TO A F***ING DECISION ALREADY!"_

_How about Hufflepuff?_ said the hat with a touch of amusement, _They will be a good influence on you, and you'll fit right in with your sense of devotion._

_"F*** NO. F*** NO. LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO A STUPIDASS HOUSE CALLED 'HUFFLEPUFF'!"_

_You just want to be with Terezi._

_"THAT'S F***ING PERSONAL. CUT IT OUT OR I'LL RIP YOU SEAM FROM SHIT-F***ING SE-"_

"**GRIFFINDOR**!"

* * *

><p>"Equius Zahak!"<p>

Equius trudged up to the hat and set it on his head. He very nearly tore a hole through the hat, but it didn't comment.

_Interesting. Ambitious, and with a tendency to be somewhat manipulative, but also rather intelligent, with a flair for crafting... For the lack of a better way to phrase this, that's some pretty weird shit you've constructed, Mr. Zahak._

_"I e%pect you aren't poking fun at me, hat?"_

_No, no, of course not. Hm. All things considered, your ambition is more of a culturally ingrained trait rather than a true aspect of your personality... _"**RAVENCLAW**!"

Equius plopped the hat back on the stool and stomped over to the Ravenclaw table.

* * *

><p>Equius was the very last student to be sorted, and the feast began, the food blossomed onto the table like <em>magic<em>.

"HOLY MOTHER-GRUBF***ING SCUM, WHERE DID THIS ALL COME FROM?"

"Shhh! Karkat!" Hermione hissed, kicking him harshly under the table, "There are children around!"

"Well it's good for them to expand their vocabulary!" Karkat hissed back.

Seamus snorted loudly from the other side of Ron, "I like this guy."

"You'd better enjoy that weak sense of amusement while it lasts, then," Harry said with a grin, helping himself to a large serving of mashed potatoes, "Just wait until he opens his mouth in your direction."

"Well, _I_ can't wait to see him in action during class," Ron said with dead seriousness, "He's pretty much immune to the Cuss Curse by now, what with all the times Mum tried to use it on him. McGonagall is gonna blow a gasket, I can't_wait_!"

"It's not funny, Ron! Do you have _any_ idea just how many points he's going to lose for Griffindor if he keeps this up?" Hermione snapped.

Harry and Ron both looked suddenly very alarmed. Ron even paused in the turbocharged inhalation of his food.

"Damnit, mate! Why didn't you get yourself sorted into Slytherin?" Ron demanded angrily, "It would've been the sweetest sabotage _ever_!"

Karkat swallowed a large mouthful of chicken. "_You_ were the one who threatened to shove a fat broomstick right up my..."

"_Karkat!_" Hermione screamed angrily, slamming her palm against the table.

"...benign and profanity-free broom cupboard," Karkat said calmly, quirking his eyebrow at Hermione's seething expression, "What?"

(Harry did a minor spit-take into his goblet of pumpkin juice, and Ron coughed on a chicken drumstick.)

"I still like this guy," Seamus remarked.

"Naw, I'm on Pacification Potion right now, bro," Gamzee said seriously to his goblet of pumpkin juice, "I really can't understand what you're all trying to say to me." The then downed the juice in one go. Neville helpfully reminded him that the goblets weren't charmed to talk.

* * *

><p>Over at the Ravenclaw table, Sollux, Kanaya, and Equius were being subjected to intense scrutiny.<p>

"Can I touch your horns?" asked a bold second-year curiously, reaching up to grab Sollux by the horns without waiting for a proper response.

"Absolutely not. Keep those fingers away. Hey! ii 2aiid_ hand2 off!_ Someone get this grub away from me!"

Farther down the table, Kanaya was being ceaselessly peppered with questions by a group of older students. Far from being turned away from the presence of the troll, the group of Ravenclaws were filled with a seemingly insatiable curiosity, perking their ears to the questioning if they were not within immediate earshot. Kanaya had hardly touched the plethora of food that had appeared on the table, and was therefore unable to dodge the questioning the way Equius was - by shoveling food into his mouth until he couldn't utter a word around the mouthful.

"Professor McGonagall said you were from another universe. How exactly d'you get here?"

"None Of Us Are Sure, To Be Perfectly Honest," Kanaya responded uncomfortably.

"How can that be? How could you have arrived here by accident? Can't you remember?"

"I'm not comfortable enough in my relationship with any of you to confide in you my speculations, nor do I harbor a wish to disclose them to anyone at all," Kanaya said firmly.

* * *

><p>By the time everyone had a shot at the various deserts, and thoroughly sated their appetites, McGonagall rose in her seat once again, tapping her wand against her goblet to quiet the Hall. The series of soft <em>clinks<em> were surprisingly effective in gaining the attention of the students.

"Welcome, everyone, to a new year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The time we've spent repairing and renovating the castle has been greatly successful, but there are still a few parts that are damaged and in the midst of repair. The Astronomy tower, for one, is still utterly demolished, as is a portion of the West Wing. Thus, any classes that are usually situated in the damaged areas will be relocated to other sections of the castle - you will find the exact locations on your class schedules when the Head of your House hands it to you on Monday, when classes begin. All students are forbidden from visiting the broken down sections of the castle, as there may still be some unsound architecture and lingering curses that we have not fully cleared away.

"We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year; John Dawlish, a former Auror, will be teaching the classes." McGonagall gestured to a rather tired-looking man sitting at the Head Table, "We hope that he will continue to teach for years to come."

"Oh, that's right," Harry muttered to Ron, "Voldemort's curse should be broken by now."

"Hehehehe, what curse?" Terezi asked, glasses flashing.

"Shh!"

"And as I stated to most of you prior to the Sorting, there will be twelve trolls attending Hogwarts this year. They will share classes with many of you, and I expect all students to treat each other with deserving respect, regardless of species. Now, I ask the present trolls to come up to the head table, so that we can determine which classes are suitable for each of them. I also ask that one prefect from each House wait just outside the Great Hall. The rest of you are dismissed to your dormitories."

The human students all stood in a clamor and began to make their way to the exit, as did the teachers. Once everyone had left and the noise level had died down, McGonagall nodded to the trolls and beckoned them up to the head table. Equius was one of the first to walk up, but he broke a crystal goblet in front of McGonagall as he accidentally brushed it with his pinky fingernail, causing its pieces to scatter across the surface of the table. She repaired it wordlessly, and he watched as the pieces all came back together, sliding across the old wood, which was stained in dark and light patterns from years of use. Indeed, there was one particularly striking, pale swirl stretching lengthwise across much of the long table. The shape reminded him slightly of a vine. There was also a knobbly-looking knot where a branch must've fallen out years ago. Or something.

"Hehehehehe! So how're we going to do this?" Terezi asked, as the trolls began to crowd up to the table.

"Some f***ing test where you grope the most unsanitary points of your gnarled human talons into the sticky, shit-milking crevasses of our think pans, am I right?" Karkat asked in a rather bored tone.

"F***in' shut your mouth already, you piece of piss. Nobody wwant's to hear your wwiny little vvoice."

"I, for one, concur," Equius added, "Lowb100ds such as yourself should know when to keep quiet."

("Equius! That's not very purrlite!")

"DON'T YOU F***ING GET ME STARTED-"

"Silence!" McGonagall snapped, finally coming out of her incredulity and reigning in some control, "I've never heard such language! If there were any points to deduct from your houses, they would be _gone_. If I ever hear such cursing again...!"

"Yeah, yeah, we get the grubsquatting point. Let's just get this over with."

"Mr. Vantas, it would behoove you to pay a little respect!" McGonagall said coldly, "You are only here at Hogwarts because of my hospitality. Have you any idea how much effort it took to sway the teachers and the school board to let you attend? Do _not_ try my temper. And that goes to the rest of you as well," she said, fuming.

The trolls were all silent.

McGonagall sighed. "This wasn't at all how I would've hoped for our first conversation would go."

Karkat pulled a strange face. It looked just about midway between righteous fury, intestinal pain, and guilty discomfort.

After a long pause, he muttered, "Sorry. I guess I was being a pretty f***ing big asshole."

Despite herself, McGonagall's lip twitched slightly. She then quickly refreshed her frown.

"I hope we will have a more pleasant acquaintance from here on out. Now, as for your classes..." she picked up the Sorting Hat from under the table, "The Hat has already taken a look at the classes and course levels you are best suited for. You may choose whichever you'd like, but I suggest no more than ten and no less than five. This is a school, after all, not a a palace of leisure. I also suggest that you take any and all core classes you have a good aptitude for. The core classes are underlined in red on these lists." She summoned a set of parchments out of thin air and handed them out to the trolls.

* * *

><p>Terezi glanced down at her list:<p>

She giggled and quickly checked off four of the the first six (Ancient Runes and History of Magic didn't particularly interest her), then added Transfiguration because it smelled pretty interesting. Next, she added Muggle Studies, because J3GUS, was that a hilarious name for a class. After a bit more contemplation, she decided that Charms, and Astronomy _must_ come in handy sometime (besides, they were underlined in _red_: how could she resist? The more red, the better, although she was sad she couldn't add more of those deliciously red classes to her schedule. Don't want to have too little time for fun and games, right? Ah well. Devouring her House scarves would have to sate her color-hunger.).

_Please write "Yes" beside your selected classes:_

__Ancient Runes - High Aptitude____  
><em><span>Defense Against the Dark Arts<span> - High Aptitude **- Y3S**__  
>Divination - High Aptitude <strong>- Y3S<strong>  
><em><em><em><em><em><em><span>History of Magic<span> - High Aptitude______  
><em><em><em>Flying - High Aptitude <strong>- Y3S<strong>___  
>Magical Art - High Aptitude<strong> - H3LL Y3S!<strong>_

__Astronomy - Medium Aptitude **- Y3S**_  
><em><span>Charms<span> - Medium Aptitude **- Y3S**_  
><em><span>Herbology<span> - Medium Aptitude  
><em>Muggle Studies - Medium Aptitude <strong>- Y3S<strong>______  
><em>_Transfiguration - Medium Aptitude** - Y3S**_

__Arithmancy - Low Aptitude_  
><em>Care of Magical Creatures - Low Aptitude<em>  
><span>Potions<span> - Low Aptitude_

* * *

><p>Karkat, meanwhile, examined his own list:<p>

Was it just him, or did he have a lot of _Low Aptitude_ stats? He gave the Hat a accusatory look, but it lay resolutely motionless and oblivious on the table. He glanced back down at the list and decided that he might as well go with the ones he had _High_ _Aptitudes_ for. He wasn't even going to consider Flying; what did he look like? Some kind of idiot nookwipe who wanted to get his ass handed to his think pan by a _floor cleaning brush instrument?_ No. Just no. He'd leave that to the other idiot nookwipes. He knew some Transfiguration and Charms from the summer though, so why the hell not? Screw the f***er shithat who said he sucked at Charms, HE WAS F***ING BURSTING TO THE TIPS OF HIS NUBBY LITTLE HORNS WITH CHARM OKAY. He then glanced furtively at some of the other trolls and saw that the general consensus seemed to be eight classes (Eridan seemed to be favoring only the bare minimum, while Sollux was shrugging and simply checking off _whatever_ like it was _no big deal_) so he added Care of Magical Creatures because hey, Crabdad hadn't been all that magical but he was still a GIANTASS CRAB that Karkat had taken CARE of for six sweeps' worth of time. And then he added Astronomy because how hard could it be to ogle some planets in the dead of night? It would at least give him a proper excuse for staying all night (i.e. not sleeping).

_Please write "Yes" beside your selected classes:_

__Ancient Runes - High Aptitude **- YES**  
><em><span>Defense Against the Dark Arts<span> - High Aptitude **- YES**__  
>Divination - High Aptitude <strong>- I HAVE NO F***ING CLUE WHAT THIS IS BUT YES<strong>  
><span>Potions<span> - High Aptitude **- YES**_

__Astronomy - Medium Aptitude **- YES**  
><em>Care of Magical Creatures - Medium Aptitude **- YES**  
><em><em><em><span>Herbology<span> - Medium Aptitude **- YES**___  
><em><span>Transfiguration<span> - Medium Aptitude **- YES**_  
>Muggle Studies - Medium Aptitude<em>

___Arithmancy - Low Aptitude__  
><span>History of Magic<span> - Low Aptitude_  
><em><em><span>Charms<span> - Low Aptitude **- F*** YES SO THERE**___  
>Flying - Low Aptitude<br>_Magical Art - Low Aptitude__

"Once you are finished, please leave the papers here," McGonagall gestured at the surface of the table beside the Sorting Hat, "You will find a prefect from your House waiting outside the Hall to guide you to your dormitories. Class will start in three days on Monday, so make sure to come in to breakfast, as we will be handing out the timetables then."

She eyed them critically through her glasses, one hand resting on the brim of the Hat.

"Thank you!" Nepeta suddenly piped up, "Thank you efur so much fur everything!"

Seeming satisfied, the Headmaster gathered up the slips of paper and the Hat, before departing the hall through a side exit. The group of trolls soon broke up, and headed off to the student exit. As the last troll stepped out of the hall, the floating candles all went out in unison, filling the enormous space with darkness.

Karkat blinked as his eyes adjusted to the more comfortable light, and bid a hasty goodbye to Sollux, who nodded and headed away with Kanaya, Equius, and a human Ravenclaw. Eridan departed alone with a Slytherin girl who'd quickly lit her wand to make up for the darkness, while Feferi and Tavros waved goodbye, heading in the same initial direction as the Ravenclaws.

Uneasily, Karkat turned away from the rest of his comrades to follow Hermione Granger to the Griffindor dormitory. It just didn't feel right to be splitting up in this big, and okay, rather spooky castle just after having been reunited. But a troll can't have everything. At least they were all still alive, right?

"_Lumos_!" Hermione exclaimed, and immediately a ball of light came to life at the end of her wand.

"Could you f***ing turn that off?" Karkat asked tiredly, footsteps echoing eerily around them, "It's not like we can't _see_ without it. I've got a headache beginning to pierce its warty snout through the back end of my think pan, and the blinding light isn't helping."

"Karcat! It's okay! The light isn't so pawful!" Nepeta said, her robes dragging behind her as she scurried up to match their pace.

"Please, Karkat, I _am_ trying to guide you all. How can I do that if I can't see where I'm going?"

"Come on, there's enough light to see by without that glitter twig," he said impatiently.

"No there isn't! I mean, I don't know about trolls, but..." Hermione glanced at him, "Wait, are you all nocturnal by any chance?"

"Naturally," he grumbled, "But not recently."

* * *

><p>"All I'm sayin' is there isn't any real <em>reason<em> to separate the females and the males," Eridan argued as he sat up on his bed, "Who wwas the idiot that decided that shit mattered?"

"Hey. Fishfarts. Shut up and stop talking to me!" Draco snapped, putting his pillow over his head.

"No, tell him more about it, troll," Blaise cut in, barely stifling his own laughter, "I think he didn't hear you the first five times."

"Cod, howw many times do I have to tell you? My _name_ is Eridan Ampora, shitwwit."

"Oh, sorry. Can I call you Shitwwit then? For short?" Blaise snickered.

"Piss off, that wwasn't evven a remotely imaginativve vverbal attack."

"Wwhy do you evven wwavver your speech, anyway?" Blaise asked.

"That's just howw I talk," Eridan, pulling the ol' snort-and-sneer as he did so.

"I dunno, Draco, I think _ww_e'd get along _ww_onderfully," said Blaise, throwing a pillow across the room and managing to land it on Draco's back, "Fraternizing with trolls is clearly the proper etiquette for the upper class nowadays. I mean, lording over the world with fear and power is _so last year_, haven't you heard?"

Draco's head remained resolutely buried under the pillow.

"It's alright Shitwwit, he just _hates _you so terribly, he can't stand to make casual conversation," Blaise said to Eridan with a wink.

Eridan took a moment to look rather flattered.

And then Draco jinxed both their lips shut and turned off the lights.

* * *

><p>This castle was all filled up with the miracle juice. Like someone'd had tons of pure <em>miraculous<em> they'd found left over from constructin' the world, so they went and poured it all over in this magical motherf***ing castle. Naw, wait. No profanities allowed up in this miraculous bitch. Shit's unbecoming, Luna said that, remember? HoNk.

"Shut _up_ with the _honks_, Gamzee!" Karkat groaned from his four-poster bed, "Some of us like it when it's quiet at night. Save the earsplitting cacophony of mindless noise for when everyone else is making a racket of the _miraculous-ass_daylight."

"I have to agree with him for once, mate," Ron called from the other side of the room, "Just shut up, _please_."

Gamzee reached up to touch the soft-looking drapes over his head, accidentally bumping his sylladex. Three horns and an empty pie tin fell out and hit him in the face. _Honkhonkhonk CLANG!_

Something else came shooting through the air and barely missed taking off the tip of Gamzee's nose. When he rolled over and took a closer look at it, it proved to be a brand-new copy of _HoW to StAb YoUr EnEmY IN THE MOTHERF***ING EYES_. No, wait. Those were the words printed about halfway through chapter three. No, wait, those words weren't printed anywhere in the book. Aw, f*** this shit, he didn't need to be trying to _read_ kiddie bedtime stories like this, what was Karkat thinking, throwing books at him?

Gamzee hugged his pillow with one arm and grabbed ahold of a horn with the other. The metal piece suddenly crushed in his hand. _My MoThErF***InG hEaD HURTS_.

"Best friend?" he asked softly into the air.

"For f***'s sake, Gamzee, just how many iterations of _SHUT THE F*** UP_ do I have to go through before one of them gnaws it's way into your think pan?" Karkat snarled.

"My head hurts, bro."

"Your what?" Karkat asked, his voice suddenly sounding apprehensive as it floated disembodied through the dark dormitory.

"Will you trolls zip it already?" Harry groaned loudly from a couple beds over. A few other humans added their murmurs of assent.

Gamzee heard Karkat's feet thud against the floor and walk over. His face suddenly loomed overhead.

"Your head hurts?" he whispered.

Gamzee held up the crushed horn in his hand and growled softly. The f***er lowblood, look at him talking all stupid at him. COULDN'T HE SEE HE WAS UP AND MOTHERF***ING HURTING DOWN HERE?

"Oh man," Karkat whispered, and his head darted out of sight. Then it popped back into view like some miraculous wrigglingday balloon. Life's so beautiful, damn. "Wait, where's the sopor slime, Gamzee?"

"THERE IS NO SLIME!" Gamzee screamed suddenly, sitting upright and grabbing Karkat by the front of the shirt, "IT'S GONE, WHAT THE MOTHERF*** DID YOU THINK?"

"Gamzee, calm down!" Karkat's eyes were like glowing lanterns. _HoW to StAb YoUr EnEmIeS IN THE MOTHERF***ING _EYES_._

"The hell is going on?" a human asked, "Quit shouting, you two."

"SHUT UP!" Gamzee yelled, throwing Karkat down and getting to his feet, "My head hurts."

"Big deal, you prat, go to sleep," snapped Ron.

His hands were shaking. Everything was all shiny and shaking.

"Everyone be quiet," Karkat hissed, getting back to his feet and backing away from Gamzee. He pulled out a small grubphone from his sylladex.

[carcinoGeneticist started trolling grimAuxiliatrix]

CG: KANAYA.  
>CG: KANAYA GET LUNA ON THE MESSAGE RIGHT NOW. LUNA LOVEGOOD.<br>CG: KANAYA HURRY THE SHIT UP! I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME UNTIL  
>CG: OH, F***<p>

GA: Goodness, Karkat. Please Calm Yourself.  
>GA: What Is The Matter?<br>GA: ...  
>GA: Karkat?<p>

CG: OH F*** OH F*** OH F*** OH F***  
>CG: SORRY I CAN'T TALK ANYMORE I'LL TELL YOU LATER<br>CG: IF HE DOESN'T KILL US ALL OH ASS-SPILLING F***SHITS

GA: Karkat, You Are Truly Worrying Me Now

[carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix]

GA: Karkat!

What is it, best friend?

What're you doing up there?

BEST MOTHERF***ING FRIEND.

"Gamzee! What did she give you? What did she do? Luna! What did she give you!" Karkat coughed, his hand tugging fruitlessly at Gamzee's arm as Gamzee pinned him to the wall. Huh, look at that. Best friend bleeds _red_. The humans were chattering like insects behind them, the lights were switched on (eyes burn, eyes BURN, my HEAD), and everyone had their wands out, but they all seemed too confused and afraid of what what was happening to act.

"Gamzee, what are you doing!" Harry yelled, "Let go of him!"

Gamzee leaned closer to examine the red on Karkat's neck. "Look at that, best friend. You bleed like a human," he whispered softly, "Did you know all humans bleed red?"

Karkat stared back at him, wordless, face inches away.

"What's that best friend? Can't you talk?" he asked. But Karkat offered him no words. TALK TO ME. Come on, best friend. "...I SAID CAN'T YOU MOTHERF***ING _TALK_?"

"Gamzee stop this!" Harry shouted.

Karkat suddenly managed to dig his wand out of his pocket and slash it at the air. A bottle flew out of Gamzee's trunk and into Karkat's left hand, its glass shining blue. Gamzee tightened his grip and snarled.

"Cut it OUT!" Harry yelled loudly, raising his wand level with Gamzee's head.

Turning to face the humans, Gamzee let go of Karkat, who gasped and slid down the wall until his feet connected with the floor. The taller troll turned back at the loud _thud_.

"From your heart will pour my motherf***ing miracles, best friend," Gamzee breathed, stepping in and pulling a club out of his strife deck. Karkat wordlessly uncorked the bottle and held it out.

"Drink the f*** up, you morass," he coughed.

Gamzee paused. Huh. Luna had said something like that, hadn't she? Every night. Except without the profanities. He stared at the bottle for a while, held steady in Karkat's hand. The wand-lights danced and shivered around him, lighting up the blue bottle like miracle blood. He took the bottle and drank it. Almost instantaneously, his headache faded and the light stopped hurting his eyes.

"Now get your sorry ass into your human bed construction," Karkat rasped, pointing at Gamzee's bed like the lusus Gamzee never really had.

Gamzee meekly crawled into the bed and pulled the blankets up to his chin. Best friend came over to close the curtains for him. How motherf***ing sweet of the bro. Something shined against the grey of his skin.

"Hey best friend... You've got blood on your neck."

"Shut the f*** up, I know," Karkat muttered, pulling his collar higher and stomping over to his own bed. He roughly dragged his own curtains closed.

Harry, Ron, Dean, Seamus, and Neville were left standing in the middle of the dormitory, staring open-jawed at each other.

"What in name of Merlin's ugly left nostril was _that_ all about?" Ron asked dumbly, his hand holding slackly onto his wand.

"No idea," Harry said, shaking his head, "Hey Karkat, are you alright?"

"I _WILL_ BE WHEN YOU ALL CLOSE YOUR FLOPPING FOOD GATES AND TURN OF THE EYE-PIERCING LIGHTS!"

The lights soon went out and the humans all went to bed. Karkat, in the safety of his four-poster bed, nursed his neck and shivered slightly.

* * *

><p><span>Rather Many Months in the Past:<span>

Harry strolled up to Dumbledore's tomb, with Hermione and Ron alongside him. The sun warmed them as they walked across the grounds, enjoying the full effects of freedom and catharsis experienced by victors whose joint efforts had just recently succeeded in defeating the most evil, powerful wizard to have ever terrorized the masses.

"C'mon, Harry. You're _Master of Death_, right? Why not just keep the thing? Tell you what, let's fight it out so _I_ can use the wand, go on!"

"Ron! You know something as powerful as the Elder Wand is bound to bring danger." Hermione said sharply, her tone leaving no room for argument. Ron sighed mightily and rolled his eyes when he thought she wasn't looking.

Harry walked up to the marble, lifted the lid of the tomb with a levitation spell, and set the Elder Wand down inside. He replaced the lid and turned to face his friends, a smile beaming across his face and the sunlight warming him all the way down to his toes.

"It's alright, see? It's better this way. We can put this all behind us and live our lives out in peace." Harry hugged both his friends around the shoulders, and together the three of them headed back up to the castle.

When they were a good distance away, a small flicker of red detached itself from the tree line and flew down to the tomb. Aradia lighted gently next to the marble casket and pried at the lid, straining as she attempted to lift it. However, it was too heavy, and simply would not budge. She stepped back and contemplated the tomb, the fingers of one hand tapping out a rhythm against her chin.

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

Her body was lifted off its feet by the force of the spell, and hovered slightly before it fell to the ground as a corpse.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 8<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Meh. I feel like this chapter wasn't as good as the last. D: Not worth the wait, am I right? I'm so sorry guys, I just couldn't find that many opportunities to pack in the lol's. I shall keep working harder though, and improve my writing! *dramatic pose and stage lighting, ect.*

And yeah, I figure there's a larger selection of elective classes at Hogwarts than what I have up there, but let's just go with the easily recognizable ones. :B

Vriska will come in, I swear! She's just fashionably late, okay?

_Reviews are received with much love. ;3_


	9. Chapter 9: Vampire & Terezi's Prediction

**Note**: This chapter is mostly silliness, but my hopes are that it's still passable. I hope you like it!

This wasn't as heavily edited as usual, so sorry if it has errors, or if it's lacking in FLOWERY LANGUAGE in some places.

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 9: Vampire &amp; Terezi's Prediction<p>

* * *

><p><span>Rather Many Months in the Past (Continued):<span>

Another Aradia (because _obviously_ she wouldn't die _that_ easily) watched as the person stepped over her corpse and stole the very wand she'd been seeking, and followed stealthily behind the person as they hurried across the school grounds. She contemplated briefly attacking the person, perhaps freezing them in time before stealing the wand back...

But this person had already got the best of her once, it was only pure luck that he'd killed her in a way that wasn't particularly heroic. She'd been quite embarrassed (and confused) to find herself waking up from a death coma and hanging high up in a tree out of harm's way. It had taken her a little time to figure out what must have happened (a future incarnation of herself had picked up her temporarily dead body and left it in a safe place, simple). She'd then decided to put the tomb back together like a good citizen before popping back into the past to see exactly how she'd been killed unawares... Admittedly, she wouldn't have been there at that time if she hadn't been trying to save them all, but apparently the act of existing at a specific point in time didn't qualify her for a permanent death. If she attacked this person outright and somehow managed to get herself killed again, it was likely that the death could be permanent, and then she'd be no use to anyone.

So much for this so-called OMNIpotence.

But luckily she'd survived. There really was nothing like sheer, dumb luck!

She continued to follow him as he fled to the edge of the school, and she resolved to steal the wand back when he least expected it. However, just before he stepped out of the school grounds, she saw herself appear in front of him and engage him in battle.

"No!"

And then another one of her showed up. This future self flitted forward and threw the thief's hood back to get a good look at his face. They were clearly starting to flood in from later times, trying desperately to patch up each other's errors.

"OH FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!" Aradia screamed, "CUT IT OUT BEFORE ONE OF YOU DIES AND I'M LEFT WITH NO FUTURE!"

The pair of Future Aradias glanced away from the wizard, who took the opportunity to dash a couple steps off the edge of the school grounds and disappear in a twirl of his cloak.

Aradia looked at the space the wizard had occupied moments before.

"Crap," she said. She hadn't seen that one coming.

"Ugh! Look what you've done! Now I have to go back again!" one of the other Aradias yelled, before vanishing into thin air.

Frantically, Aradia herself followed, slipping a couple minutes back in time to stop the wizard from leaving.

The third Aradia stared at the empty space in front of her.

"This is f***ing stupid," she said firmly, and flew into the future to discuss the predicament with her friends.

* * *

><p>Hermione awoke from a pleasant, restful sleep and opened her eyes.<p>

"AIEEEEEE!" she screamed, and promptly scrambled backwards of her bed, bumping her head on the side table.

Terezi cackled loudly and smacked her cane against a bedpost as she settled down on the end of Hermione's bed, watching her sit back up and scowl.

"H3H3H3H3H3! I call that face the D14BOL1C4L W4K3 UP C4LL!"

Hermione stared up incredulously at Terezi's leering face, before getting up to get ready for the day. She glanced over at where Nepeta had slept, and was surprised to see that the other troll girl was lying beneath the bed instead of on top of it, and was trembling as though dipped in an early-winter pond. True, the stone floor was probably quite cold, but then why would she choose to hid under her bed?

"Nepeta? What are you doing?" Hermione asked. However, Nepeta simply receded deeper into the shadows beneath her bed, her orange eyes glowing like those of a cat.

"Hehe, don't worry about her, I think she had pretty awful Horrorterrors last night," Terezi said dismissively.

"You mean nightmares?" Hermione asked, alarmed.

"Yeah, probably those too," Terezi nodded, businesslike as she stood from Hermione's bed and moved back to her own.

"Oh no! Is she alright? Does she want to talk about it?" Hermione glanced back over to Nepeta's bed.

"If you're all going to wake up so early, could you at _least_ wait to chat until you go down to the common room?" moaned Lavender Brown from the other side of the room.

"Sorry!" Hermione whispered.

Terezi snickered to herself as she pulled her robes over her head and readjusted her glasses. She twirled her cane around her wrist as she left the dormitory, letting the door close behind her with a loud SNOP.

Hermione moved over to Nepeta's bed and crouched down to look under it. Nepeta herself was a semi-defined shadowy mass beneath the bed, but her eyes glowed brightly as she stared back into Hermione's face.

"We can go to breakfast together," Hermione whispered comfortingly, "And you can tell me about your nightmare, if it'll make you feel better. Go on, get out from under there. I'll be back right after I go mail a letter to my parents."

Nepeta blinked.

"That sounds... nice," she said hesitantly.

Hermione smiled and nodded, before getting back up, taking a sealed letter from her bed stand, and heading downstairs.

* * *

><p>It was Monday morning, a few days after their arrival to Hogwarts, and Kanaya had risen before the sun. That had been something she'd missed when they'd been all stuck in the Veil: the warm sunlight on her skin, the bright light that magically infused a dark world with colors more vibrant than reality. None of her fellow trolls really understood her fixation with the sunlight; it was weird, strange, what the hell are you thinking, Kanaya? You're reading way too many rainbow-drinker stories again, have you found a new blood-sucking series recently?<p>

And now she was one herself, wasn't that strange? Poor Tavros had had a lot of difficulty keeping up with her thirst over the summer, and she'd been nearly starving for most of the summertime, trying to avoid drinking too much of his blood. Now Sollux and Equius were taking up a lot of the strain of her blood-hunger, being in her House, but she didn't want to impose exclusively on them for the rest of their time at this school. She wondered vaguely, for the umpteenth time, what would happen if she tasted human blood. But there really wasn't any human here she felt comfortable feeding from, and besides, the people here were so jumpy and curious… In any case, she really didn't want to start attracting the wrong kind of attention. It was already getting difficult to explain her near-complete absence from the Great Hall during mealtimes.

She climbed into the owlry and gazed out the window at the horizon. This was one of the few places she'd managed to pin down in her memory in the school. The path leading to it was surprisingly straightforward, considering the magically shifting staircases, doorways, and decorations that seemed to make up the castle.

Suddenly, the door behind her creaked, and she turned, startled, an excuse already on the tip of her tongue, but the newcomer proved to be simply Karkat. He looked up at her, surprised, and she noticed that the shadows under his eyes had become more pronounced over the past few days. They had been mysteriously lacking when everyone had arrived at the school, but it seemed the stress was catching back up to him. Perhaps she would ask?

"What the hell are you doing up here so early, Kanaya?" he asked, beating her to the punch.

"I could ask the same of you," she smiled, "And do watch out for that pile of owl droppings, I nearly slipped on my way in…" He neglected her caution and slipped anyway, nearly falling headfirst into a sleeping barn owl. She caught his shoulder before he could fall.

"Thanks," he muttered.

"So what _are_ you doing, wander up here at this hour?" she asked as he regained his balance.

"Getting my sorry little bullshit ass lost in this deathtrap of a school," he said, as though remarking on the weather, "I was up all night."

"Ah." That would explain the sleep-deprived eyes. He was much too stubborn for his own good. It was a miracle that he hadn't managed to kill himself yet out of self-neglect. Shaking her head, she turned back to the window. The sun was throwing lovely hues on the heavy clouds at the moment, but it was looking up to be a rather glum day. After several moments, he joined her at the window.

"How has Gamzee been, then? I have not heard from you since the first night." she remarked once the sun started to become enshrouded by the oppressive clouds.

"Same as always," he said bluntly, "Though we ran out of potion last night. He nearly took off all our heads. Again. Of course, the humans were all a bunch of moronic nookholes and had no idea the f*** kind of danger they were in."

"You calmed him down?" Kanaya said incredulously.

"Yeah. Papped him upside the head and everything," he replied, rolling his eyes, "Thought he might eat my face before I got the chance though. Goddamn."

"So are the two of you now Moirails?"

"I guess," he said, with a touch of surprise, as though the idea had not really occurred to him. _He's as dense as a boulder_, Kanaya thought.

"Anyway, I brewed some more potion, he should be fine," he added, "Will you be coming down to breakfast today?"

The mention of breakfast made her throat itch. She glanced covertly at Karkat's neck. It would probably be improper to just lunge for it. Especially right after talking about Gamzee going Murder Mode and nearly taking everyone's heads off. She should ask first. Yes. That would be far more polite.

"No," she said, gesturing at her luminescent face, "I am a Rainbow-drinker, perhaps I had not mentioned it to you?"

"Oh, right. I was wondering about what the f*** the glowing was about," he said awkwardly. A sidelong glance. A pause. "Do you want my bl…"

"Yes," she said earnestly, "I have been living off Sollux and Equius these past few days, and I would very much appreciate some variety, if that would be alright with you."

His entire face wrinkled up, "Holy bulge-sniffing f***, Kanaya, you've been drinking off _Equius_? You had to have gotten more sweat than blood, my God. I am SO F***ING THANKFUL I don't need to resort to that shit to survive."

She shifted her feet uncomfortably.

"I mean, alright, have my blood, I can't let you _living_ exclusively off Equius and that other idiot f***hole. Just don't suck my blood so dry that I turn into some kind of papery corpse that floats off and settles down on all this owl shit. It's not how I want to meet Death's Demoness."

Kanaya rolled her eyes. "There is no need to be excessively theatrical about it."

"F*** you. And don't spill any down my shirt." He pulled down the collar of his cloak.

* * *

><p>Hermione held a letter in her hand and was humming to herself as she strolled up to the owlry. The halls were almost completely deserted, because hardly anyone was awake this early in the morning. Breakfast would not be available in the Great Hall for another hour, so most people saw no reason to be awake. The soft blankets and feather pillows of the dormitories were infinitely more inviting than the eerily empty halls and imposing suits of armor.<p>

She took a straightforward route to the owlry, thinking excitedly of all the classes she would be taking this year. NEWT level classes and testing would surely be challenging and difficult, not to mention stressful, but Hermione was confident that this final year would be the most interesting in terms of the topics covered and… Hermione pushed open the door of the owlry, and promptly lost her grip on both her ponderings and letter, the latter of which fluttered silently to the ground like a blank thought.

At first she thought they were kissing (did trolls kiss, anyway?), but then when the two of them broke hastily apart she noticed the female wipe red blood from her lips. The other (_Karkat_? What?) hitched his collar up his neck and swayed slightly on his feet.

Hermione felt that her jaw had fallen free from her head, and quickly closed her mouth. Did trolls bite each other out of romantic attraction? Was that it? Whatever it was, she was sure she'd walked in on something she shouldn't have. Her hand groped to pull the door back closed, but it was out of reach and her shock hadn't completely relinquished its hold on her feet.

"If you f***ing flap your slobbery human jowls about this, Hermione..." Karkat began threateningly.

"You Know This Human?" Kanaya inquired, her eyes shifting back and forth between the two of them.

"We're acquaintances," he said shortly, blinking his eyes hard, "F***, Kanaya, just how much did you take? I feel like I'm going to pass out like a limp wriggler or some other equally weak piece of shit."

"I apologize," she apologized, "It was surprisingly sweet."

"Hold on," Hermione said slowly, having regained her voice, "Were _you_-" she pointed at Kanaya, "-drinking his blood?"

"Like I said, you better keep your f***ing mouth shut or I'll take you firmly by the _shame globe_ and..."

"There is no need for that," Kanaya said sharply, "Hermione, was it? Please do not tell any humans about this. I assume they would not be appreciative of having a rainbow-drinker in their midst."

"A rainbow-drinker...?" Hermione said slowly, "Oh! You mean, a vampire?"

"If that is the human word for it, then yes."

"Trolls can be vampires?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Why the f*** not?" Karkat asked, leaning against the open window and nearly falling out backwards (Kanaya caught his shoulder just in time), "Apparently we can twirl a broken branch and make shit come spewing out of it in a grotesque display of f***ery against the laws of Nature. I don't see why a troll who drinks blood is so unbelievable in comparison."

"Please, Hermione. I Would Very Much Appreciate It If You Would Refrain From Telling Others About My Condition."

"Of course," said Hermione, "I understand."

* * *

><p><span>At The Great Hall Later That Morning:<span>

Nepeta had come down to breakfast with Hermione, but had seated herself next to Karkat, several seats away and out of earshot from Ron, Hermione, and Harry.

"So guess what? Apparently one of the girl trolls is also a vampire. Her name is Kanaya, I think. You know, the one with the glowing skin, in Ravenclaw. I walked up to the owlery this morning to mail a letter to my parents, and I saw her sucking blood out of Karkat's neck," said Hermione conversationally, as she reached for the butter dish.

Harry did another spit-take into his pumpkin juice and Ron choked on a croissant. (...Let's try and keep this from becoming some kind of feeble, running gag.)

* * *

><p>"So! K4RK4T! What classes do you have today?" Terezi asked, landing across from him at the Griffindor table as though she were dropped there. (She may or may not have displaced a first-year by crushing it to death, but that notion is highly debatable, and would never hold up in court.)<p>

He glanced down at his timetable. "Four classes on Monday. Ancient Runes, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Divination, and Herbology... WAIT, OH F***. I thought I signed up for eight! Why are there nine on this list?"

"H3H3H3H3! It's okay, Sir Nubs-a-lot! We all knew you cant count past F1V3, it's no big deal!"

Karkat picked up a Scandinavian Singing Fig from the fruit bowl and threw it at her head, but she neatly caught it in her mouth and choked off its melodious voice with her vicious teeth. In three chomps it had vanished down her gullet without even managing to choke out the chorus of a Generic Cheery Love Song.

"Holy shit," Karkat said, with more weariness than surprise. Terezi licked her lips and giggled.

"Hehe! I'll see you in D3F3NS3 4GA1NST TH3 D4RK 4RTS!" she cackled, and charged away.

* * *

><p>It is safe to say that Gamzee arrived at the Magical Art classroom by the pure force of mIrAcLeS. There is no other conceivable explanation for how he managed to be the very first student to show up. Most of the other students came about ten minutes later, having barely made it alive through five trick staircases and a vicious statuette on their way up to the seventh floor.<p>

Terezi showed up at the classroom exactly on time. Punctuality is 3SS3NT14L for an aspiring L3G1SL4C3R4TOR, even if legislacerators most likely did not exist in this world. It was the thought that counted.

The professor proceeded to use the full hour of class time lecturing about "What is expected of each and every Art student" and "the fine and noble history of Magical Art" and "how important it is to have _originality_ and _vision_..."

Terezi sniggered and sampled her lemon-flavored chalk. There weren't many students overall, and the few humans that were present were all fourth-year Griffindors, who were paying far more attention to Terezi's and her sloppy chalk makeout session than to the enthusiastic but monologuing teacher. Gamzee, in the meantime, simply stared unblinkingly at at spot over his head, his jaw slightly agape.

The entire lesson was rather uneventful and boring, to say the least. They did, however, study up on a spell that could be used to make drawings move about on the surface upon which they were drawn.

* * *

><p><span>Days in the Future, but not Many:<span>

When enormous cherry-red dragons began galloping about the walls of the castle, evading the most hateful of Filch's mops, anyone who knew anything about Terezi was not in the least bit surprised.

* * *

><p><span>Title: Ancient Runes: All-Inclusive Mixed-House Class:<span>

_Subtitle: In Which Hermione Is Infuriated To Discover That All Her New Troll Classmates Are Already Fluent In Ancient Runes Because Of Some Apparently Freak Crossover Between Their Universes._

And later, in the Common Room, when Hermione interrogated Karkat about the Ancient Runes, he admitted that all young trolls are required to learn the ancient, more traditional language of their race. Apparently it's something like what many Chinese students need to go through to become officially literate. Or something. It's all very moot point.

* * *

><p>Karkat hastily left the Defense Against the Dark Arts, and quickly pushed into the stream of students that were already beginning to pool up in the hallways. As Terezi caught back up to him, he glanced down at his schedule. Under the word <em>Divination<em> was written the words_ North Tower_. So how the hell was he supposed to find his way up there in this nightmare of a school?

"Hehe, Karkat! Any idea where the North Tower is?"

He shook his head and glanced around at the other students. Most likely the older ones would be able to point them in the right direction.

"HEY YOU THERE! YEAH, YOU, THE MIDGET SCRAWNY ONE WITH THE SQUEAKBEAST FACE!"

The seventh-year human known as Draco Malfoy (who was incidentally taller than Karkat by a considerable amount), turned around and stared at him disbelievingly, his eyebrows pulled up into his forehead.

"You talking to me, troll?" he asked, cooly.

"Of course I am, f***ass, does it look like I'm flapping my wind hole at someone else? Pick up your ocular spheres from the floor of _idiocy_ and dust the _stupid_ off them a bit, shitgrubber."

Draco's rather enormous companion snorted a little to himself, but was silenced by a swift glare from the blond.

"I am not going to waste my precious time conversing with a beast like..."

"BLUH BLUH BLUH THAT'S F***ING WONDERFUL, GREAT FOR YOU, REALLY SHITTY WEATHER WE'RE HAVING, ET CETERA. Could you point us to the North Tower, then, or are you too thought-deprived even for that?"

Draco's pale eyebrows would have risen even higher into his forehead, if that had been possible. Suddenly, they fell back down over his eyes, and he sneered tauntingly at the pair of trolls. Terezi good-naturedly leered back at him.

"Down this hall, take a left, and up the staircase at the next corner. You should hurry, the bell's going to ring pretty soon," he smirked, and turned to leave. And nearly stumbled over Terezi's cane.

"H3H3H3! Not so fast, you slippery little salamander!" she cackled, "My nose detects the very distinct, ST1NK1NG ST3NCH OF D3C13T! You're not going anywhere until you tell us how to get to the North Tower."

Draco straightened up and scowled, "That's ridiculous, troll. You can't _smell_ a lie."

She tapped her nose with one finger and grinned, "I've spent sweeps of my life navigating by smell and taste alone, ever since my dear friend the SP1D3R81TCH went and blinded me. Don't tell me what I can and can't smell, you ignorant little f***."

Karkat looked as though he could've kissed her, right there in the middle of the hallway.

"Fine! I'll tell you. You turn left before you reach the..."

"You're lying again. Quit it before I skewer you on the end of this cane and find a more intelligent person to answer my questions. I've done shit like that before, don't doubt me," she said, her tone growing a shade colder, although retaining it's banter like quality.

Draco and Karkat both stared at her, their expressions conveying opposing emotions on the ends on the I F***ING [strong emotion here] YOU spectrum.

Minutes later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had the good fortune to pass in the hallway, just in time to hear Draco Malfoy give the correct directions to the North Tower, with Terezi poking him casually in the chest to urge him on until he'd given them every last detail. Ron and Harry both very nearly asphyxiated with silent laughter, while Hermione watched the scene unfold passively before her, a smile twitching the corners of her mouth. As Draco finally snarled and stalked away with the shreds of his dignity, the human trio approached the trolls with a new reverence.

"Terezi, that was absolutely _brilliant_," Ron said in the most grave, serious voice he could manage between fits of giggles.

"Trust me, I know! Well, Nubs and I will be off to Divination! See you suckers later, hehehehehe!"

The journey up to the North Tower was entirely uneventful after that; Draco had given them indisputably excellent directions. Terezi and Karkat milled about with a group of rather silent third-years who all stared at them with big scared puppy eyes. He ignored them. A ladder finally descended from above, and the class climbed up into the lair of the Divination teacher. As one would expect, Karkat found the class to be an enormous waste of time. The clearly clinically insane teacher seemed to believe that he was going to die in the near future. His life experience told him that the notion was entirely plausible, and he told [read: shouted] this at her face as though she were an idiot.

"OF F***ING _COURSE_ I MIGHT DIE THIS YEAR, WHAT KIND OF DELUDED IDIOT SHITCAKE DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? SHIT, I COULD BE DEAD RIGHT THIS INSTANT! QUICK, CHECK MY PULSE, IF YOU'RE DENSE ENOUGH TO THINK I'M ALREADY A CORPSE."

Trelawney, and indeed, the rest of the humans in the class, gaped at him for a full, unbroken five minutes of silence, before the teacher finally cleared her throat.

"Ten points from Griffindor, Mr. Vantas, for your atrocious language and conduct," she whispered haughtily. Karkat rolled his eyes at the third-year sitting to his right, who immediately scooted away from him a little bit more.

"Now, open your copies of _Unfogging the Future_, and choose your teacup..."

Some time later, Terezi chugged her tea like a champion and slammed it down. Karkat did likewise and they swapped cups.

"Yeah," he said in a monotone, without even glancing at his textbook, "This little blob here says you're going to breathe like a living f***er for the next few seconds... WOW, F***, IMAGINE THAT, I was right. As usual."

Terezi sniggered, and so did a pair of young Griffindors across the room. Apparently they were starting to warm up to the trolls.

"Hehe, let me see!" said Terezi, snatching her cup back and peering in, holding her breath for humorous effect. Of course, the effect was lost on everyone but Karkat, but that wasn't the point.

"Hmmm," she said thoughtfully, "I agree with you completely Nubblina! I... W1LL BR34TH3!"

"F*** YOU NUBLINA'S WAY TOO GIRLY!"

"Language, Mr. Vantas! That's another five points!" Trelawney said angrily, sweeping back over to their table, "Miss Pyrope, would you please attempt a prediction on your partner?"

She shrugged and picked up his cup, sniffing at it.

"Hehe, wow! Hold on," she pulled out her wand and tapped the cup. It immediately turned a violent shade of red, and Karkat shifted uncomfortably, "Much better! Whoa, Karkat, look! You're going to get hit in the face by a shoe later this afternoon."

"Oh, great. Thanks, Terezi," Karkat said with exasperation, "Bloody f***ing fantastic."

"Five points from Mr. Vantas, again. But five points to you, Miss Pyrope, I quite agree. The flecks on the edge of his cup clearly show..."

"H3H3H3, but look, it's going to be the Spider8itch's shoe! I can't wait!"

"Miss Pyrope!" said Trelawny, with shock this time.

By now, none of the other students were paying attention to their own cups, and were instead focusing on the trolls. Terezi sniffed at the cup and then stuck it to her face, licking at the bottom with her tongue.

"Miss Pyrope, you are supposed to _look_..."

"8itch-ka Serk-8itch is going to come flying out of the sky today," she informed Karkat, who had done a neat little mood swing and was now fighting laughter in his seat, "Riding a dead Swedish Short-Snout and wearing a nice licorice-and-blueberry suit. And then she's going to do a motherf***ing pirouette off the dragon's head in the direction of the grass by the lake, where we'll be watching Feferi snuggling with the giant squid, and land her foot in your face, before waving her big-ass sword around like the 8itch she is, and nearly cutting someone's head off. Wait..."

She spat out a piece of tea back into the cup.

"Like I was saying, she'll nearly cut off Draco Malfoy's head, but miss because she's a total loser, and then we'll all make cheery acquaintances with one another and she'll get sorted into Slytherin because for f***'s sake, it couldn't go any other way."

There was dead silence in the classroom. One could hear a needle drop onto the plush carpet.

"Oh, and I'll have an apple at dinnertime. A red one. Hehe, I love apples," she added dreamily.

The bell rang, and nobody moved for a few more seconds, because truly, moments like these should be treasured with more preciously than priceless jewels.

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Karkat was suppose to only have 8 classes. But I guess _someone_ really can't count past F1V3. *shifty eyes*

Apologies for the slight delay, and the not-as-long-as-usual length. The vampire scene also didn't feel like it fit so much, but I was just trying to get some material out so I don't stall my engines, and that's what happened. :B Hey, it wasn't awful, so I left it in. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It felt a bit fillery to me, but at least we're getting some promised shenanigans down. :)

Thank you to NeoDarkLight for convincing me to add Terezi's ridiculously detailed Spider8itch prediction.

_Review? ;3_


	10. Chapter 10: Seeing Fiend Fyre

**Note**: Farewell to 2011, and welcome to 2012! :)

**Edit**: **Jan 4, 2012**: Sorry, I accidentally uploaded the same chapter twice. xP I was trying to fix some typos in this chapter, and instead of replacing the old chapter, I posted a new one. It's fixed now, and I apologize for jarring any of your hopes or something. D: My bad. First time I've made this mistake, I'll try and make it my last.

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 10:<p>

* * *

><p>"Terezi, is it just me, or are half the f***ing midget bulge sniffers here following you around like some third-rate planet's shitty primordial deity?" asked Karkat as they made their way down to the Great Hall for lunch.<p>

"Nubs, it's fine, I'm just TH4T COOOOOOL, hehehehehe!" she snickered, sticking her cane out and rapping it sharply into his knees ("F***, OW!"), "Nothing like flashing some Seer powers to get some worshippers on my tail, ya know?"

Karkat raised his eyebrows slightly and pulled his lips back from his teeth in a mock grin that looked more like a grimace of intestinal pain than anything, "Seer powers, Terezi? I thought you just used those to judge us and manipulate our asses into pudding so you could twirl your blind-stick and cackle at our suffering. You mean you were being serious about Serket up there?"

A bold third-year edged closer behind them to eavesdrop better, despite the warning whispers of her classmates. ("_They're _trolls_, Jen, be __careful!_")

"Hehe, good one. Yup, it was all true about Spider8itch. Or at least, that's the idea! Seems like a pretty great thing about using magic, heh, enhancing all my SK1LLS. But I'm surprised, were you _high aptitude_ for Divination too?"

"Yeah, so?" he said defensively.

She just shrugged in response and they walked the rest of the way in silence. The young Griffindor dropped back to share her exciting findings with her friends. The class decided that they would most definitely go down to the lake during their next break time to see if the insanity was all true. What could be the odds that she was right?

* * *

><p>All four of the Griffindor trolls, had, for whatever reason, decided to sit together in a rather cramped line. (Karkat, of course, was squashed in the middle). After an unspecified amount of time, Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrived that the table, sitting down heavily and discussing their Defense Against the Dark Arts class.<p>

"He's a bloody joke," Ron said decisively, ripping a piece of baguette for himself, "I mean, alright, he knows his stuff, but they still should've hired someone from the Order."

"Who?" Nepeta asked, pulling her face out of something that looked suspiciously bloody. Or maybe that was just strawberry jam. Who knows?

"Dawlish," said Hermione, "Come on, Ron, he's a perfectly acceptable teacher. I heard he got top marks on all his OWLs."

"OWLs aren't everything," Ron argued, "and if you say he used to be a great wizard, then fine. But all I know is that _now_ he's a few Remembralls short of a full set, if you know what I mean."

"Don't be so disrespectful!"

Harry leaned around his two bickering friends and helped himself to a bowl of greens. "So how were your classes?" he asked mildly of Terezi, as Hermione waved her wand threateningly in Ron's face, their voices beginning to hitch into a louder key.

"Great! I'm going to _slaughter_ this Divination shit," she grinned, tearing into a orange without even peeling it. She spat out the peel a moment later and glared at the fruit as though it had mortally offended her.

He raised his eyebrows, "Don't you think Trelawney's a bit of a nutter?"

"H4H4H4H4, she's a V4ST GLUB sort of lost cause, but who cares?"

"Hey, which person in your class did she say would die? She does it every year, apparently."

"Me," said Karkat bluntly. Nepeta made a quiet little gasp of worry. Gamzee, on her other side, was swatting at the air over his head as though bouncing an air-filled balloon against his palm. Well, at the very least he was amusing himself. Or something.

Harry smiled comfortingly at him. "Don't worry, she said the same thing about me, and I'm perfectly fine!"

"Yeah, well we all choke it eventually," he said glumly, poking his fork at his plate, "You were just a lucky grubf***er to have lived a couple sweeps since then."

"H3H3H3, never mind him, Harry. Anyway, you should come down to the lake after lunch during the break. I saw the Spider8itch land on a dragon in Karkat's tea leaves. And Feferi's going to swim in the lake with the Giant Squid," she added as an afterthought.

"Spiderbitch?" chimed the three humans, two of whom had suddenly broken out of their argument. After a moment's pause, they exclaimed, "The Giant Squid?"

"WELL I'M NOT GOING. Noose me and slobber at me to your vascular pump's f***ing deranged desire, but I'm _not_ knowingly putting myself at risk of taking a dirty shoe directly to the think pan."

"Aw, Karkat, you're so _cute_ when you're _deluded_," Terezi squealed, pinching his cheek and coming close to dragging her tongue across his face, but she was inhibited by the arm he threw up to defend himself from the sudden onslaught of mocking adoration.

Hermione shook her head disapprovingly at their antics and said, "Terezi, you do know Divination is an _awfully_ imprecise brand of magic, right? I know you said that, er, 'Spider8itch' will arrive..."

"...Hehehe yup!" Terezi grinned, pushing Karkat away to focus her attention on the human, "She's going to ride in by the lake on a dead Swedish Short Snout, wearing a black-and-blueberry suit, before taking a pirouette off the dragon's skull..."

"_Anyway_, don't you think this is all rather far-fetched?" she asked skeptically, "and to predict all those details really sets you up for embarrassment. Almost all true Seers are only able to predict things only in cryptic messages, unexpectedly and during a lapse of consciousness. It has to do with letting their magic wash over them completely, and... What?" she said, seeing Harry and Ron's smirking faces.

"You know an awful lot about this Divination stuff for someone who quit after a few classes," Ron said, "Did you study up on it before you decided you couldn't do it?"

"For your information, Ronald, I was simply doing some background research on a topic, to make sure that it was something that really isn't worth my time. My conclusion was that Divination is not much use to anyone, except on the once in a million lucky chance that someone guesses something right."

"Miss Milk-Chocolate-Hair Hermione," Terezi said, seriously, for once, "I assure you, being a Seer has absolutely _nothing_ to do with _luck_."

Karkat groaned and rolled his eyes at the humans across the table. "F***ING FANTASTIC. Now you've done it."

"Done what?"

Terezi's glasses flashed. "Inadvertently brought up Spider8itch and her stupid addiction to G4M3S OF CH4NC3! Tell you what, Hermione of Little Faith, we can all go down to the lake together after lunch and see Spider8itch land on her supposed _symbol_ of my defeat." She huffed as though insulted and curled her lip back from her teeth.

"You're awfully sure about something you saw in a few soggy dregs of tea," Hermione said cooly. Karkat snorted with amusement. "What?"

"I didn't _see_ anything in that cup, Hermione, I haven't bothered with my eyesight in ages." The humans looked confused at this statement, but she didn't bother to explain herself. "Anyway, I just licked the tea out of the cup. It tasted pretty awful, but luckily I'd charmed the cup to be CH3RRY R3D and 4BSOLUT3LY YUMMY!"

Hermione shook her head and redirected her attention to her lunch in a manner she clearly thought was long-suffering and self-confident. If Terezi wanted to make wild predictions about falling dragons and spiderbitches, she could be her guest. She knew who would have the last laugh when they stood around outdoors waiting for a nonexistent flying reptile to drop dead and fall at their feet. Unless... she glanced back up at Terezi, who was making a circus out of her plate of fruit. Maybe Terezi was just saying all those things to be dramatic and pull their legs?

* * *

><p>Nepeta hopped over to the Hufflepuff table to greet Feferi and Tavros. (And also to sneak away with some of their milk, but shhh, no one needed to know about that.)<p>

"Ferferi! Tavros! Hello!" she purred, quickly tackle-hugging each as she said their names.

"Oh, um, hi, Nepeta! Are you doing alright?" Tavros questioned, looking up from his lunch and carefully trying to avoid hitting anyone with his wide horns. Unfortunately he managed to smack the person to his left in the back of the head hard enough to make the poor soul take a face-plant into his bowl of vegetable soup, but that is of little consequence.

"Of course! I had Defense Against the Dark Arts with Karkat, and the teacher was just a wee bit silly but that's okay!" she said, quickly picking up their milk pitcher and filling her goblet, "And I think we're going to have double Herbology after lunch together! I'm looking forward to the Care of Magical Creatures class tomorrow though, I haven't had a chance to talk to Hagrid in a while..." She glanced up at the head table and tried waving her hand over her head at Hagrid, but he did not notice her among the swarm of lunching students.

"H-EY! Tavros and I took Herbology too, right Tavros?" Feferi said brightly, "We'll see you then!"

Nepeta chugged the milk out of her goblet and reached for the pitcher again, "Defurnitely! Oh, that reminds me though, Terezi said you were going to go swimming in the lake with the Giant Squid, is that true?"

"The lake has a Giant Squid?" Feferi asked eagerly, "W-Ell you count me in! I haven't had a good swim since we got stuck in the glubbing Veil..." She looked confused for a moment, then adjusted the goggles on her face and went on, "We can meet up at the lake and then go to Herbology together!"

"That sounds pawsitively _fin_tastic," Nepeta giggled, "See? I made a fish pun!"

"H-E-E H-E-E, Nepeta, keep this up and we'll have to start culling you royalty!"

Tavros smiled as he turned his head back, this time smacking the student to his left in the face and knocking a bread roll out of his hand. "uH,, i'M SO SORRY,,, ABOUT THAT, REALLY," he apologized profusely. In the meantime, Nepeta sneakily refilled her goblet yet again and cheerily bid her leave.

Sipping at her goblet, she carried it carefully away and headed back to the Griffindor table to give herself plenty of room to jump for Equius. She hadn't seen her moirail in _ages_, and if they waited for their schedules to match up, they would have to wait until the double Charms class with the Ravenclaws on Wednesday. No way would she wait that long! They were living in the same _castle_, why waste the opportunity to meet up with him as much as possible? She downed the rest of her milk and discreetly set down the goblet to _purrepare_ for the blind-sided tackle. Sticking her tongue from her mouth, she squinted at where Equius was dining at the Ravenclaw table. Everything but the tip of his horn was shielded by a wall of Hufflepuffs. After some deep pondering about the best way to approach the situation, she backed up a few steps and took off running, and bounded cleanly over the assorted Hufflepuffs, soaring through the air directly for her beloved moirail.

"Equiuuuuuuuus!"

He just barely had the time to glance up at her and then quickly shield his face. Later, everyone present the hall would swear that she'd landed directly on his head after achieving ten vertical feet of air. (Nearly Headless Nick nearly became Headless Nick, in fact, as she flew right through him and he jerked back so hard with surprise, his ghostly cranium threatened to disconnect permanently from his body. Sadly for him, a ghost's body cannot be mutilated beyond the corpse they died in, or he would've finally achieved his dream of joining the Headless Hunt.) Later, as Nepeta's leap-cuddles became more notorious and widespread, such a leap became worthy of little notice. Because really, that one time she took a flying leap out of a third-story window _had_ to take the cake. The ultimate cake.

In the meantime, though, ten vertical feet of air was plenty shocking and impressive to all those witnessing the event.

"Equius!" she exclaimed happily, nuzzling the top of his head and settling down comfortably on his shoulders, "It's been soooo looooong!"

All humans oblivious to the idea of moirallegience (that is to say, PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY), were thereafter convinced that the pair must be an extremely unlikely and expressive couple, although they were never spotted kissing in empty classrooms and whatnot, as most romantic couples (of the human kind, anyway) are prone to do.

* * *

><p>Vriska had lived a rather normal life for one of her caste, up until everyone started playing sGrub, of course. She spent her days throwing eight balls against the wall and going out to hunt down other trolls in her leisure so that she could keep her mother well-fed and happy. Her proudest catch had been a royal seadweller whose mind she'd managed to manipul8 (after a great deal of mental struggle) into choking himself on the stern of one of her ships and stabbing himself in the leg with his own long horns. Now <em>those<em> were the days. Days when she thought hate-flirting with Eridan was an acceptable pastime. Days when she could f*** around with everyone's life and not give a single stinking shit. Days when she could slap people silly with an arm that was the opposite of robotic. Boy, did she have a _killer_ left swing in those days, although robotic upgrades hadn't technically done anything bad to her punching ability.

Seems like those days were long past, though.

Lights were flashing past her much too quickly to be real. She closed her eyelids tightly, and let the dream wash over her mind's eye. Terezi's image was standing in front of her, shimmering slightly and holding up a coin in her hand. As if that coin really meant anything, when they both knew that the flip meant precisely _shit_. But it would flip through the air, shimmering shimmering shimmering, like the reflection of light on a bowl of rippling water.

And she let it fall. Favorably, of course.

"I guess I win," she grinned. Her smile felt robotic and watery.

"Go, then," said Terezi, glasses glimmering red and her mouth stuck in a cutting frown, "Go on."

Vriska flipped her hair and turned, waving mockingly as she took a step towards the void. Win. Mindfang always won. Redglare wouldn't do it, she knew. Terezi just didn't have it in her. _Vriska_ was the one that had all the luck. That's why it was up to the one with the wings to get them all out of this mess. She was ready. _She_ would be the one to destroy Jack Noir.

She gasped sharply as the wind tore at her lungs, and peeled her eyes open only to squint. Clouds, blinding white, clouds, green, green, grey, blue, clouds, blinding blinding shimmering _sun_. She screwed her eyes completely shut. No way was she going to lose her vision eightfold. But wait, she was falling, wasn't she? Falling through real air! Not black, empty space shimmering with stars, not heavy, dying silence wavering with wave after wave of blue... She threw her eyes open again, and spread out her arms and legs and wings, trying to catch the air and slow her descent, but...

"OWWWWWWWW, MOTHER OF 8LEEDING F***!"

She twisted her neck and looked at her wings, as best she could as she tumbled through the air, blinded by her own element. Blue was trailing behind her in droplets, and one of her wings was torn deeply. She coughed, and blue dribbled from between her lips, she screamed, and blue seeped from the skin between her fingers. She brought her hands up to her face, and saw blood seeping from her gloves. She tried her wings again, but...

"SHIIIIIIIIT!"

And kept streaming towards the ground, blinded by pain and light.

"Alright," she whispered to herself, "Hold on, just think, and... Yes, okay. Luck." I am the Hero of Light. I am the Thief of Light. So steal it from some worthless shit, take their luck and make it _mine, __mine, mine_. Of course.

Incoming. Landing. DOOF.

"Damn," she muttered, and picked her head up from the scaly surface, and then started laughing, laughing because this was, "FUNNY AS HELL!" she laughed, "THIS IS INSANE!" She winced and pushed herself to her knees, seeing that she was soaring across the skies on the back of an enormous, white dragon with glittering scales.

"Take that, Redglare!"

The dragon snarled beneath her, rumbling and vibrating under her palms, but she ignored it and looked down at herself. White light was dancing across her, tiny filaments of lightning, and the blood soon stopped dripping from her wings and hands. The dragon banked suddenly, rolling through the air as it attempted to unseat her, but she laughed pure joy and maliciousness as she fluttered her wings and drew on the dragon's luck. She pulled Minfang's elegant blue saber from the air and drove it down into the crest of the dragon's skull, unleashing a tidal wave of blood, wind whipping at her face. The beast roared with pain and began to plummet like a stone.

She flew up to the dying creature's head and grasped its horns as it began to tumble through the air, its decent slowed by its enormous, billowing wings.

Here comes the ground, closer, closer, _w8, is that a castle?_ _A lake?_

CRASHPLASH!

She leaped from the beast's head, sword in hand, spinning through the air like a goddess, spearing her foot for the ground, but _look, I can't believe this, it's Mr. Grumpyass Leader Nubs!_ Pull on some probability, and...

"HOLY BULGEPRODDING HOOFBEAST'S F***, MY _FACE!_" he screamed, falling to the ground as she pushed off from his head and landed neatly on the grass.

She slashed Mindfang's sword through the air theatrically, nearly beheading an innocent bystander, who looked too stunned to react to his carelessly close shave with death. She then stabbed the sword into the ground and surveyed the plentitude of humans that were gawping at her with deliciously shocked looks on their faces. She spotted Terezi from the corner of her eye, and my, did Redglare look grim today, but what did she care?

"Ladies and gentleshits!" she smirked, "Please hold your applause. Welcome to the presence of Miss Vriska Serket!"

* * *

><p>Terezi steeled herself and strode up to Vriska, her glasses flashing in the light and the damp green-apple grass flattening beneath her feet. She gazed at her former friend, sniffing out the delicately decorated black suit with blue trim, and the searing, cherry-red of her boots that made her mouth water despite herself. Vriska put her hands on her hips and tipped her head to the side, grinning and flashing white fangs. The people that had gathered by the lake during the after-lunch break were frozen, collectively holding their breath like a single, black-cloaked, licorice beast, as the two ex-friends, ex-enemies (the words were the same in the Ancient Alternian language, were they not?) stared each other down.<p>

"Vriska," Terezi said finally, "How have you been?"

Vriska smirked, her blueberry lips quirked mockingly, and glanced around at her surroundings. "Perfectly fine, dear Redglare. I see you've taken to rather strange company recently."

"Humans are not so strange, Vriska," Terezi replied, voice low.

The other troll glanced back at her with all eight of her pupils, before rolling her eyes and examining one of her gloved hands. "_Please_, why don't we just cut to the chase. Why aren't you happy to see me? Is it because I _won_? Is it because you couldn't _kill_ me? Is it because..." she paused for effect, "you _owe everything_ to my God Tier powers?"

Terezi raised her eyebrows. "I have no clue what you're talking about."

At this, Vriska threw her head back and laughed.

"Tereziiiiiiii, Terezi, Terezi, Terezi," she giggled, shaking her head contemptuously, "Don't pretend you're not embarrassed to have your ass saved from Bec Noir by _me_. I've won this round. I've won _all_ the rounds, in fact. All of them! All the irons have come out of the fire, _RED_ hot, Terezi, just as I intended." She gestured one gloved hand at Terezi's eyes and laughed again, "You can thank me anytime."

Quite suddenly, Terezi felt a grin break across her face. She leaned on her marshmallow-headed cane and cackled softly.

"Hehehehehehe... Vriska, you're _completely_ _deluded_. You think you've killed Bec Noir? You think your irons came out _red_? Let me tell you something, Vriska..." Terezi lifted her hand to her glasses, and threw them away from her face, letting them fall into the glass, "...You've got everything wrong. I'm the Seer of this insanity show, so you should've never presumed to know more than me! H3H3H3H3H3!"

* * *

><p>"Oh my holy f***," Karkat whispered, pulling his hand away from his throbbing face and staring into Terezi's eyes.<p>

"What, what is it?" Harry asked urgently, glancing between Karkat and Terezi, "What's wrong?"

"Her... eyes..." said Karkat hollowly.

"What? I don't see anything wrong with them," Ron muttered, squinting at Terezi's face and shifting around Hermione to take a better look, "What's the big deal?"

"That's just it! She's blind! F***, I mean, she _used_ to be blind, her eyes were burned by the sun, they'd turned all red, and f***, f***, f***, how did I not _notice?_"

Vriska and Terezi were still staring at each other intensely and unblinkingly, as though locked in the most legendary of staring contests. Vriska, stood with her mouth agape, all her words sucked out of her with a high-powered vacuum, and Terezi gazed back with a wide grin stretching across her face. The students by the lake were beginning to whisper amongst themselves, trying to figure out just what had frozen the conversation between the two female trolls.

"Well, she's always wearing those glasses," Hermione murmured, "They're awfully reflective. You could never get a very good look at her eyes, right?"

"Wait, hold on a second here, she's not _blind_," Ron objected, "I haven't ever seen her bump into anything. Come on, Karkat, I saw her catch that fig you threw at her this morning. In her _mouth_!"

"She can smell and taste everything around her, so she's not like she can't see at _all_. Just not with her eyes. It's something her lusus taught her."

"Huh?"

"Shut the f*** up, nook-pan, I'm trying to pay attention here!"

"Wh8 the hell!" Vriska shrieked, pointing at Terezi, "That shit doesn't just _heal_!"

"Hehehe nope, it sure doesn't," Terezi agreed, grinning maliciously, "But hey, miracles happen, am I right?"

Vriska staggered on her feet slightly, as though she'd been shot in the torso. "No. No. Nononononono! Explain this to me right now, Redglare! Just what the f*** is going on?"

"You know, I predicted that you'd land here today, on the back of a dead dragon, and wearing your Mindfang dress-up playtime suit," Terezi said, her grin widening, "My seer powers are really coming into their own, aren't they?"

"REDGLAREEEEEEEEE!" screamed Vriska, her hands balled into fists.

"Hehe, I'd say I've become a prophet, even," she went on, blatantly disregarding Vriska's seething body language and snarling face, "But do you know what a true prophet is? Do you know how a puppet earns its stripes, so to speak? Hehehe."

"H8LL IF I KNOW! Aren't you the one with all the answers now, huh?" she shouted, hysterical, "You think I'm just some f***ing _puppet_ in your stupid little puppet dragon show, now, _huh!_ Well I'm _not_, and you're not going to win, Terezi Pyrope! I WIN 8VERYTHING! I HAVE 8LL THE LUCK, PYRO8E! ALLLLLLLL OF IT!"

"Vriska," Terezi said softly, pulling out her wand. The surrounding students leaned forward collectively to hear her next words, "You need to learn the difference between games and reality. You need to learn where luck has a place, and where it doesn't have any reason to be f***ing around at all. And you know what else, Vriska?"

Her grin widened further as she pointed her wand at her own face.

"You need to learn that you N3V3R H4V3 WON, and that you N3V3R W1LL W1N against _M3!_"

Enormous teal flames burst from her wand tip and shot directly into her eyes, throwing her back bodily to skid across the grounds, flames scorching the grass and sending students running and screaming away from the fire.

"TEREZI!" Karkat shouted, getting to his feet and running after her body. The wand had fallen from her hand and stopped spurting fire, but the flames had still ignited the grass and some of the stone castle. He swerved around the unnaturally colored fire and broke into a full sprint. "TEREZI!"

"Karkat! Watch out for the fire!" Hermione shouted, but Harry and Ron took off after the troll, and she yelled in frustration and chased after them.

One of the patches of fire had grown into the face of a dragon, and hissed at the screaming students that were scattering away from the flames. Another burst into the shape of an enormous spider, coming to life and skittering across the grounds. Karkat dodged its legs and kept running for Terezi, whose body had fallen between the claws of the teal dragon.

"GET THE EVER-LOVING F*** AWAY FROM HER!" he screamed, pulling out his wand and pointing it at the dragon. It loomed over him, like a f***ing brightly lit demon from the Outer Rim, growing monstrous tendrils from its face and neck as he stood there, spreading its wings wide and opening its great maw to torch him into ashes. "GET THE HELL AWAY BEFORE I TAKE YOUR SORRY ASS AND SHOOT IT INTO THE NEXT MOTHER F***ING MILLENNIUM WITH THIS FLIMSY TWIG PIECE MADE WITH UNADULTERATED ESSENCE OF _F*** THE HELL OFF!_ YOU HEAR ME, YOU CRAP-JAMMED PIECE OF SHITF***ERY?"

"Karkat!" Hermione shouted, "Get away from there, it's going to..."

Suddenly, a powerful wind stirred up in the grounds, whirling around the patches of fire and constricting them until they they fizzled into embers, and then ash. The dragon shrieked and flapped its wings as though attempting to fly for the sky, but the wind caught it and it was soon extinguished.

"TEREZI!" he dropped to his knees and grabbed her hand where it lay in the blackened grass. His other hand reached out and touched her forehead, brushing aside the burnt patches of her hair with a shaking hand. He looked up, and there, lying next to her, was his own body, shimmering in his mind, seeping blood from a number of puncture wounds he could not see. He glanced frantically back down at Terezi, her ashen face and frozen smile, and saw the corner of one eye twitch. _THANK GOD. OH THANK F***ING GOD. _But as he leaned down to her face and whispered her name, like a prayer (_Terezi Terezi Terezi wake up)_, he saw in his mind, her body shimmering, limp and broken, soaked with liquid teal and smiling, just like this, like right f***ing now, lips pulled up in an innocent, mysterious smile that didn't show her razor teeth.

Dully, he heard voices sound behind him (_"Luna? That wind was you?" "...Olivander, mentioned Fiend Fyre this summer, you know." "Holy crap." "Learned the counter-curse last year, Defense Against..." "Is she dead?" "PYR8PEEEEEEEE!"_ _"No, no, she's breathing, you can see_..._"_) and then she opened her eyes, and his heart lifted through his throat and fell straight down through his ribcage, because she opened her eyes and they were scarlet, like his cursed, hated, hated, blood.

"Karkat," she coughed, so quietly he almost didn't hear her, "Hehehe, Karkat, you should see your face."

He wanted to scream at her, break his vocal chords yelling, OH MY GOD HOW COULD YOU BE SO F***ING STUPID TEREZI, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT JUST TO F*** WITH THAT OTHER BITCH'S HEAD, I WOULD'VE _KILLED_ YOU IF YOU'D GONE AND DIED LIKE A STUPIDASS WRIGGLER WANDERING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME AFTER EVERYTHING, MY GOD TEREZI! But he just stared at her with his mouth open like some kind of blank-panned jackass. And then she smiled up at him (and in that one ice-frozen hazy moment, he nearly kissed her like some worthless piece-of-crap idiot because he was so damn _relieved_), and then his eyes stung and he pushed one arm up to cover his face because he knew he was going to cry and everything in the world was so f***ing _stupid_. This is all stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't understand what's going on and it's ALL SO F***ING STUPID.

Someone touched his shoulder and he jerked away. "Karkat?" It was that Harry Potter human. "Karkat, some teachers came down here. She needs to go to the Hospital Wing."

"YEAH I KNOW!" he shouted, "I KNOW, GODDAMNIT, I KNOW."

What the f***, Terezi? You finally got your eyesight back, and this is the first thing you do? What in the name of all things holy and _not_ a towering mountain of nightmare blindness were you thinking?

"She'll be fine. Madam Pomfrey works miracles. If there's anything at all wrong, she'll fix it up."

"I know," he hissed, dragging his sleeve across and away from his face. Terezi's eyes stared blankly up at him, and her eyelids began to flutter closed. He held her hand tighter and swallowed. "I know."

* * *

><p>The bell rang, signaling the end of break and the beginning of the next class, but many students remained standing about on the lawn, gawping at the burn damage and generally being heedless to the teachers that were attempting to usher them back into the castle. And several of the students had collapsed from shock and fear.<p>

No one could pry Karkat Vantas away from Terezi Pyrope's unconscious body. Well, they all thought she was unconscious until she started giggling and muttering things like "Spider8itch is a loser" and "Sick fires FOR TH3 W1N!" when they loaded her onto a levitating stretcher to carry her back up to the castle. At that point no one was really sure of what was going on. But anyway, after a shouting match that surely left the various elaborately decorated versions of the phrase "F*** YOU!" reverberating around the distant French Alps and causing avalanches, Madam Pomfrey gave up on sending Karkat away to his Herbology classes and decided to try ignoring him as he tailed her and Terezi to the hospital wing. Sometimes you've got to pick your battles.

"Granger, Potter, Weasley, will you care to explain what happened?" said Headmaster McGonagall rather sternly.

They all glanced at each other tiredly. Seems like even when they were not involved with a fireball catastrophe, everyone still thought the Golden Trio had the inside scoop on all the strange and worrisome things that went on.

Which they did, but still.

"Harry, you start," said Ron, nudging his friend heartlessly, "Go on."

So he explained about Terezi's Divination class prediction and the arrival of the Spider8itch (the dead dragon was still lying lifelessly in the lake, although it seemed as though it was being slowly sucked into the depths by the Giant Squid). He described the argument and Terezi's eyes, and how she'd torched herself in the face with her wand.

"That's about it," he said, "So can we go now?"

"One more thing. Where is Miss Vriska Serket?"

"Oh, um..." The three students glanced at each other as though expecting the others to answer.

"Actually, I'm not sure where she went. Um, Professor McGonagall, we really need to get to Charms..." Hermione said worriedly.

Ron rolled his eyes incredulously. Of _course_ was worried about BEING LATE TO CLASS when a dragon just fell out of the sky and Fiend Fyre had nearly burned a hole in the side of the castle. And now that Spider8itch character at least_partially_ responsible for this mess was missing. Someone's priorities were in absolutely in _perfect_ working condition.

"Yes, yes, go on then you three," McGonagall frowned, distracted, and they all rushed rather hastily away before they could be interrogated further.

"I wonder if allowing them here was a bad idea," she said to herself, surveying the damage. She groped in her pocket for the white crystal ball, a question already forming on in her mind about how best to deal with the press and the school board...

...Wait.

Where did it go? Surely she'd left it right... there...

Oh, shoot.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 10<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Happy New Year everybody! :D I hope you liked this chapter. I personally think it's quite nice and cohesive. But you guys are the JUDGES. And JUDGETTES, of course.

_Reviews are much loved! ;P_


	11. Chapter 11: Scrapbook and Moirallegiance

**Note**: So I decided that we haven't been paying enough attentions to the humans. And voilà.

It's been a little difficult keeping up with my usual updates. D: The first several chapters had been already mostly written out, but now I'm working completely from Scratch each week. From Scratch. AHAHAHAHA- okay I'll shut up now.

I hope you enjoy!

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 11:<p>

* * *

><p>There was something wholly terrible and evil about sunlight. Daytime was the traditional stage setting for any good horror story worth mentioning, and there were countless spine-chilling tales about trolls who'd wandered out of their hives in the middle of the day, searching for adventure. Of course, that didn't mean Vriska couldn't appreciate the beauty that sunlight brought to the world; it did have its own sort of loveliness to it that the usual night couldn't quite achieve. The way the air seemed to thicken in daylight, the dramatic dichotomy between the shady darkness and vivid color, the eye-searing fire of... No. Forget that shit. Vriska, like most trolls, would always be more comfortable under the subtle, discreet light of the stars and moons.<p>

Some troll would surely find it amusingly ironic that she was the Hero of Light, with a bright yellow sun emblazoned across her chest whenever she awakened her God Tier form, but Vriska herself didn't see much point in irony. At least, not when she was the butt of the joke.

Her shadow flew beside her, the sunlight leaving a dark spot of shadow with blue wings on the side of the castle as she flew directly upwards, windows of each floor passing as she went. Finally, she reached a window at the top of a tower, and lighted gently on its sill before turning around to survey the grounds below her.

A bell reverberated through the air, and some students began to file away from the scorch marks on the grass, although the bulk of them remained, staring blankly like milkbeasts on stupidity drugs as Terezi was taken away on a stretcher.

"Ha," Vriska said to herself, "The psychotic bitch."

She sat down on the windowsill and pulled out a small handheld communicator. She recognized the usernames of all her troll comrades (minus Aradia), but the window that let her reach the humans was unavailable. Her eyes widened as she went back in the pester logs and found them all to be blank. All of them were gone.

"John..." she whispered, gripping the communicator in her hand until her fingers ached. She tried searching the usernames she knew of... ghostyTrickster and ectoBiologist, but came up blank.

She nearly threw the handheld away with all her might, but instead captchalogued it back in her deck and turned to step into the room.

The room was filled with all manner of strange, spindly objects, while the stone floor was covered with a faded, but perhaps valuable carpet. The walls were nearly entirely coated with strange and rather ugly paintings of sleeping humans, and where they didn't cover one wall was a large bookcase filled with dusty books. Upon this bookcase was resting a pointed, tattered hat. On a whim, she floated up to it and set it on her head.

_What're you doing here?_ asked the hat, quite suddenly and without provocation. Well okay, she'd put it on her head, but that didn't mean she wanted it to _talk_ to her. Geez. Did inanimate objects have no decency?

"Noooooooothing," she said shiftily. She'd done stranger things than talk to a crummy wizard's hat.

_I don't think I've sorted you..._ said the hat thoughtfully, _A__re you a student at this school?_

"Not that I know of."

H_m, well, the Headmaster did say that twelve trolls would attend as students, and as of now only ten have arrived. It would follow that you are the eleventh, unless there are more trolls of your age group wandering around the countryside of which we are unaware._

"Yeah?" Vriska lifted the brim up the Hat away from her eyes and landed back on the floor to examine the assortment of items on the desk placed in the middle of the room. It was covered with mostly pointless things: a few letters, a couple books, some feathers, a bottle of ink, and a small, spherical white ball... Wait, was that what she thought it was? She picked it up and examined it, rubbing her thumb across the smooth surface. It certainly _looked_ like what she thought it was.

_Would you like me to sort you into your proper House so that you may join your classmates?_ asked the Hat.

"I have a better idea."

Vriska stared down at the cue ball, slightly wary, for the last time she'd been in close contact with such an item, it had quite literally exploded in her face. One does not easily forget an experience that cost them their left arm, eye, and copious amounts of blood.

_What 'House' would the hat sort me into?_ She asked, focusing her vision eightfold on the white ball in her hand.

Almost immediately, a single word emerged within. _Slytherin_.

_And what the hell is a 'House,' anyway?_ Suddenly she had a thousand questions ready to fly. Old habits die hard.

_It is one of the four student groupings of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,_ said the words in the ball.

She frowned. Am_ I at this school now?_

_Yes._

"You would sort me into Slytherin, so I guess that's where I'll go," she said vaguely to the hat, slipping the cue ball into her sylladex for safekeeping.

_Is that so?_ responded the hat, not sounding the slightest bit surprised.

"Yeah."

Suddenly, the door shifted, and Vriska's wings whirred back to life, propelling her up into the tall, stone ceiling. She landed softly on an arching beam and peered down below at the intruder.

An old human strode into the room and began searching her desk. After a few minutes, she pulled out a wooden rod similar to the one Terezi had used to burn out her eyes. Vriska ducked back behind the beam worriedly, but kept her eyes on the human, as he or she (it was impossible to tell from this angle) waved the rod in the air. Almost immediately, the cue ball in her sylladex fell out of its card and soared directly at the human's head. Vriska grasped for the ball as it fell through the air, but missed, the tips of her gloves just brushing against it as it fled from her. Hissing softly to herself, she ducked behind the beam again and watched as the ball fell onto the person's head with a painful _doof_. An instant later, she hid completely behind the beam as the human looked up at her. Her heart pounded with excitement as she crouched on the beam, careful not to let a single corner of her clothing become visible to the human below...

"Get down from there this instant, Miss Vriska Serket. We have some matters we must discuss."

She peered over the edge of the beam, the brim of the hat drooping over her eyes, and frowned down at the old human.

"How'd you find me?"

"My cue ball came from _somewhere_, and I'm certain I would have remembered if I had left it up in the ceiling for safekeeping. Besides, your wings were clearly visible on either side of that beam. Now, please come down, I have some questions for you that need answering."

Vriska pulled her head back and smacked her forehead against the beam in front of her. Her _wings_, goddamnit, how could she forget her _wings_? One simply does not forget their _wings_. But she was sure that her Luckiness Gambit was too high right then for things to be going wrong. Was losing the cue ball and being discovered sneaking around this human's quarters somehow beneficial? The fates had the worst sense of humor. She smacked her head one more time for good measure and fluttered down to the floor of the room on her treacherous wings.

* * *

><p>"It just doesn't make any sense," Hermione said as the trio trotted to Charms, "How could Terezi have predicted all that? She must have known beforehand."<p>

Ron rolled his eyes. "Come off it, Hermione. Just because someone is good at something you're not is no reason to get all bitter about it."

She acted as though he hadn't spoken, and continued to huff up words as they ran. "And why would she point Fiend Fyre directly into her eyes? I'm shocked her wand was even willing to attack its own owner!"

"Probably to spite Vriska, right?" Harry replied as they skidded around a corner and made for the least tricked-up staircase in the South Wing, "I've never seen anyone so committed to outdoing their opponent like that. Trolls are bloody insane."

Hermione suddenly stopped midway up the staircase, and it was not because she'd gotten a foot stuck in a joke stair.

"Come on, Hermione, we're going to be late!" said Ron, "Isn't that the worst crime possible after forgetting a homework assignment?"

Hermione ignored him entirely. (Years of practice and all that jazz.) "They must be Kismesis! It makes sense, doesn't it? Remember what Karkat said on the train about..."

Ron groaned in exasperation. "If you think I actually paid attention to a word he said about all that weird quadrant stuff, you're full of hippogriff shi-" (Hermione shot him look.) "-ipments. Hippogriff shipments, right Harry?"

They picked up their speed and just barely made it on time to Charms, but it seemed like Professor Flitwick had not yet arrived. The students that had showed up early milled about in the hallway in front of the Charms classroom awaiting the arrival of their teacher and babbling amongst themselves about the fiery showdown that had taken place by the lake during the lunch break. It wasn't every day that explosive flames of such magnitude took hold of the castle grounds. (Although to be fair, the Pyromagicians United Club _did_ have a spotless record of accidentally incinerating something ancient and priceless at every one of their bi-montly meetings since they started three years ago. Of course, the club was dissolved three years ago after just two meetings, when a passing teacher decided that it was all very unsafe. It was a good thing, too. Someone could've been burnt down the castle or something. Not that it mattered later, when the Battle for Hogwarts leveled a full third of the school to pure rubble. Still. Out-of-control-conflagrations: generally not a good thing. Let's just agree on that and move on already.)

"Were you there? You went down to the lake, right?" Neville asked of Harry.

"Er, yeah..."

"It was bloody FANTASTIC," Ron said enthusiastically, "You should've _seen_ the size of the Fiend Fyre. A troll came falling through the air on a _dragon_! A real live, er, _dead _dragon. Then Terezi went up to her and they got in this massive shouting match like you wouldn't believe. I swear, half the students crapped their robes when Terezi pulled her wand, and you should've seen the look on McGongall's face, I thought she was going to chuck a corpse clear over the Forbidden Forest..."

"_Ron_..." said Hermione testily.

Ron jaw snapped closed immediately, and the eavesdroppers (otherwise known as Everyone In The Vicinity) quickly pretended to continue their own conversations.

When Flitwick finally arrived, he apologized for his lateness, explaining that he'd been needed for repairing the front of the school. Then he, like the rest of their teachers, described the importance of the seventh year and the NEWT examinations, bluh bluh bluh, and then predictably gave out a massive homework assignment that made everyone (except Hermione) groan with a sense of impending physical pain. They were expected to figure out a charm that would "do something creative with a cup of water," without using any incantations they had already memorized in their past six years of magical study.

"And no cheating by going to the library and looking up a tricky spell," he said with a wink, "I'll know if you have. Write a paper at least seventeen inches long on your approach to the problem to be handed in three weeks time, and I'll pick someone at random to give a demonstration the day you hand in the essay. For the next class, read chapter one of your assigned textbook, _Charms Theory_; it should help you with your assignment."

Everyone (except Hermione), moaned profusely about the workload as they walked to dinner that day.

"Can you believe it?" Ron complained, "How are we supposed to figure out something like that for Charms? Couldn't he at least give us more guidelines than _'do something creative with a cup of water'_? Unbelievable!"

"You know what's really unbelievable? The size of that fat hole you call a mouth," said a voice cooly from behind them.

"Oh, shut the mothergrubbing f*** _up_, Draco," Ron grumbled without even bothering to turn around, "I'm not in the mood to make jokes of the throbbing little skinnyass nooksucking pustule you call a face."

Draco was stunned into silence for long enough that the three Griffindors had the time to walk calmly down to the end of the hallway and turn the corner out of sight. They then broke down into girly little giggles.

"I wish I could've turned around and seen his face," Harry chortled, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, "But that would've ruined the effect."

"You've spent far too much time around Karkat, Ron. That was excessive. You know Draco's just sore about everything that happened last year. I'm sure the Malfoys suffered during the war too," Hermione said in a quasi-disapproving (and not at all convincing) tone as she reigned in the snickers that were trying to escape her lungs.

"Mind you, we saved his sorry little arse last year. Twice," muttered Ron, "He oughtta be more grateful. At the very least he could hold off on the stupid taunting."

"I think he doesn't know how," Harry said reasonably, just as they reached the Great Hall.

* * *

><p>In the Ravenclaw common room after dinner, Sollux and Kanaya were comparing the notes they'd taken in Potions. Slughorn had demanded a long essay on the topic of Sleeping Potions and their various components, and neither of the trolls were planning on putting off of their assignments. Yay for being role model intelligent, hardworking, blood-sucking students. Or maybe that was just one of them. Unless Sollux had something he wasn't ready to admit yet.<p>

For the moment, however, Sollux brought up a topic completely unrelated to potions.

"Spill it, KN," he said, looking up from Kanaya's piece of parchment and fixing his gaze on her glowing face, "What's bothering you?"

"Pardon?"

It was usually pretty difficult to tell when Sollux rolled his eyes (what with him appearing to have no pupils and whatnot), but in that moment Kanaya was reasonably certain that she'd just been on the receiving end of a massive eye-roll. Or perchance he was just rolling his head slightly towards the ceiling before looking back at her. She couldn't be completely sure.

"Just because I don't particularly like dealing with other trolls, doesn't mean I'm a complete shitpan when it comes to picking up on emotions. You're distracted and uncomfortable for some reason," he broke off for an extended pause, squared his shoulders with resignation, then continued wearily, "Do you need another drink?"

She shook her head quickly "No, No, I'm Quite Alright. Karkat was kind enough to donate a large quantity of his blood to me this morning."

"So what's grubbing you?" Sollux pressed, sounding more eager to carry on the conversation now that he was sure that it wouldn't end with Kanaya's fangs lodged in his jugular.

She glanced over her shoulder, but the rest of the Ravenclaws were busy with their own various activities. Sighing, she shifted a little closer to Sollux and lowered her voice.

"Karkat has been having difficulties with Gamzee again."

"Right. I remember the message you sent me a couple nights ago. So? Did the MoThErF***Er finally snap his shit and bite someone's head off?"

"No. Karkat got him under control. It's just that..." she broke off for an extended pause, squared her shoulders with resignation, then continued wearily, "Well, they are each other's moirails now."

Sollux's expression flickered suddenly in understanding. "Did you have a pale crush on one of them?"

She sighed again. "Karkat."

"Thought so."

"He has always been a close friend of mine, and I have always thought that I might be able to help relieve him of some of his... stress."

"Stress is a pretty tame way of referring to the fang-gnashing rage KK's always in. Try and hold a conversation with him, and half the time he starts off with telling you what a pain in the f***ass you are," Sollux snorted, "and the other half of the time he just skips straight to the point and tells you to go away and f*** the first bucket that crosses your path."

She gave him a withering stare.

"2orry. Go on."

"...Fine. Please Refrain From Making Such Insensitive Comments In The Future. I have not been able to help myself from pitying him in a way that I'm fairly certain is pale. The thing is, I am fully aware that Gamzee is desperately in need of a capable moirail, and Karkat is, no doubt, the most well-equipped troll based both on his apparent calming abilities and the simple coincidence of geological location. Although I find it questionable as to whether or not _Gamzee_ is suited to pacifying Karkat in return, I can still see that they are the best for each other in their diamond quadrants, especially concerning the current situation of us all."

Sollux stared at her wordlessly, as though waiting for her to get to the "heart" of the matter. (Terrible pun x1 combo!)

"It's just... I Am Incredibly Frustrated With My Own Habit Of Falling For Others In Ways That Invariably Ends Up Unrequited. Am I Doing Something Wrong?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that, Kanaya. Look, I'm not going to pretend that I'm an expert in this shit, that's KK's deal. And I'm not going to say that you and Karkat would be the best palepair right now. Frankly, I agree with you that Gamzee desperately needs a hardass moirail. But from what I can see, you're ridiculously passive when it comes to your quadrants. Seriously, I've hardly seen you do squat to pursue anybody you're interested in. It might do you good to be more open about how you feel. That's not to say you should start _pulling an Eridan_ all over the place, but you do understand what I mean?"

"Yes." She looked away and down into the fireplace.

"Good. You feel any better?"

"Almost Marginally So."

"Then my work here is done. Come on, we have _magiic two learn_," he said, with a touch of sarcasm. She smiled slightly, and the two of them turned back to their books. Some time later, Kanaya broke the silence, and the heart-to-heart (or "diamond-to-diamond"? ...No. Nevermind.) officially came to a close.

"Are you sure he stated that monkswood is the desired ingredient?" Kanaya asked, releasing her copy of _One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi_ from her sylladex and letting it fall to her lap, "I could have sworn that he mentioned something about dragonsbane, but it is altogether possible I misheard..."

"He probably said wolfsbane. Monkswoof and wolfsbane make that f***ing nasty sleeping potion called the Bucket of Death or something," replied Sollux, his glasses flickering with the light of the fire beside them.

"_Draught_ of Sleeping Death, Sollux. Please try to avoid such crude jokes," Kanaya said, her face scrunching with distaste.

"Hey, it's not my fault they want us to boil all kinds of random shit in _cauldrons_. Come on, KN, you have to agree that _cauldron_ is totally a euphemism for a misshapen _pail_, god. Humans are _dii2gu2tiing_."

Kanaya pursed her lips. "To be honest, I have the sneaking suspicion that humans do not make use of receptacles when it comes to procreation..."

"Stop right there, Kanaya," groaned Sollux, holding up both hands, "I know you were the one in charge of the Maitrorb and everything, but I really don't want to discuss _procreation_ right now, human or otherwise."

"Point taken. Truthfully, I am rather uncomfortable with the subject, myself. Shall we move on?"

"What's this? Are you trolls talking about _procreation_?"

The two trolls turned to see who'd spoken. It was a young man in their grade, with an impish grin on his face that looked as though it were permanently stuck there. Beside him was a girl that Kanaya recognized as being named Padma Patil, and another man she recognized as being Anthony Goldstein. The nameless man took a seat in an empty armchair beside them, uninvited, and leaned forward as though getting comfortable for a long, intellectual discussion.

"No," Sollux stated flatly, "Now go the hell away."

Padma giggled, and the man's grin widened further.

"I am sorry, I do not recall your name," Kanaya said politely.

"Surname: Boot. Given name: Terry."

"Ah, yes. In case your own memory has failed you, I am Kanaya Maryam, and this is Sollux Captor."

"Anthony Goldstein," said Anthony Goldstein.

"Padma Patil," said Padma Patil.

Oh, the redundancy. But Kanaya knew that introductions were an important aspect of polite conversation with humans, so she nodded in confirmation to the statement of their names. Of course, trolls usually didn't bother with introductions and skipped straight to the unannounced stabbings, but cultural sensitivity was probably the best way to go when living amongst an enormous hive of humans.

"KN, we are _not_ making conversation with these people," Sollux hissed irritably, "Especially not if they're fixated on the topic of sordid receptacles."

"The heck?" questioned Anthony, "I thought Terry said something about procreation. Let's get back to that."

Padma rolled her eyes. "Men," she said knowingly to Kanaya. Kanaya stared politely back at her with a blank smile on her face. Rule of Thumb: When it doubt of what the f*** a human is trying to communicate, smile and hope they're not proposing something discomfiting. Works nearly 100% of the time.

"Sordid receptacles? Could you explain what you mean?" asked Terry, his beaming smile growing still wider.

Sollux shook his head. "Yeah. And by 'Yeah,' I really mean, 'No, hell no, and _hell_ _f***ing_ _no_.' But good for you, Kanaya! You finally found someone who likes discussing the mystery of humans and buckets. I'll be over here, well out of the way, trying to find some sort of word printing device in my sylladex. Because I'll be f***ed if I'm going to write this essay by hand."

With that said, he pulled a thick, heavy card down from above his head and started typing letters onto the keypad on its face, hacking into the directory of his sylladex.

"Wait, what?" said Padma, doing a double-take at the suddenly appearing card.

Neither Kanaya nor Sollux felt much like explaining anything.

So they didn't.

Or, well...

Some time later:

"Trolls cannot reproduce independently as humans do," Kanaya said in a monotone, "We need a mother grub to process the genetic material and lay the eggs. A brood may hatch thousands of grubs, which take a more recognizable shape once they pupate into wrigglers."

"That's actually pretty interesting," Padma said thoughtfully, "So a society of trolls is kind of like a colony of ants, or bees?"

"That is one way of looking at it," Kanaya shrugged, "I myself tend to think that human communities are like hoofbeast herds, so I suppose your idea may be a valid assumption."

Anthony Goldstein meanwhile, had long since fallen asleep in another armchair, after choosing to make economical use of his time.

"You didn't explain what buckets have to do with all this," Terry pointed out.

"2hut _up_ already, we're not explaining this shit to you." Sollux pressed down on a few keys, and paper started printing out the side of his husktop, the words marching across the parchment in orderly rows.

"Whoa, look at that! It almost looks like that Muggle thing called a printer," Terry exclaimed.

"Hold on..." Padma said, turning to face Kanaya, "So do you trolls have a mother grub with you somewhere?"

Kanaya looked down at her hands, clenched tightly in her lap. In her mind's eye was blinding-hot, swirling lightning bursting with green, and she stared into the grey eyes of someone she'd once called comrade. Darkness filling half his face, fangs slightly bared, and a gut-consuming rage blossoming inside her ribcage with an explosive force to rival the destruction of their hopes...

"No," answered Sollux, "A f***ing idiot apparently blew our only Maitrorb into pieces. So before you ask: Yeah, our species is pretty much f***ed. If our species were a squeakbeast and our situation right now were a hammer, that squeakbeast would be a shitty little smear on the carpet of life, and the hammer is still making a living of pummeling the smear into oblivion."

There was a slightly awkward pause after that.

And then Goldstein woke up and groggily asked where the clubs were hidden, and all the awkwardness of the situation neatly transferred onto his shoulders. How convenient.

* * *

><p><span>Somewhere in a Time that is Hard to Place:<span>

Aradia stood beside a glowing Kanaya in a rather small dream bubble depicting the countryside where Aradia's hive had been situated. The grass around them was freshly dug, and they both watched as a younger Aradia played a happy game of Fetch-The-Priceless-Artifact with her lusus.

"It always makes me sad, seeing myself so happy and unaware like that," commented the older Aradia, "It's strange to think that she's dead, but hasn't remembered it yet."

They turned away and hid themselves more securely behind the corner of Aradia's hive, allowing the dream Aradia to continue playing, blissfully unaware.

"I Have Some Bad News," Kanaya confessed, after a moments pause, "I believe I was killed."

"That may be true, but your role is not over yet. You'll return to the lab when you wake up, and continue helping our friends." Aradia gestured at Kanaya's glowing face, "Just look at yourself. You're living up to the fate to which you were always assigned!"

Suddenly, their scene changed, and the hive collapsed into fresh, smoking rubble. Aradia's lusus was crushed, and the dream Aradia floated over to the others, her eyes glowing mechanically red and the rest of her body transformed into a robot.

"I remember," she said simply.

God Tier Aradia nodded sadly in response.

A moment later, the scene shifted, and Terezi appeared.

"Terezi!" exclaimed Aradia in surprise, "Have you fallen asleep?"

"Huh? What the H3LL?" yelled Terezi, her eyes flicking around to take in her surroundings, which were the forests by her old home, "Where's the Spider8itch? She was right..."

"0h my G0d," the dream Aradia whispered, "0h, n0."

"What is the matter?" Kanaya asked urgently.

"Take 0ff y0ur glasses, Terezi."

Terezi complied, and a long, tense silence ensued.

"Aradia," said the dream Aradia sternly, "I am the 0ne wh0 t00k the ~ATH b00k in which Gamzee wr0te his p0rtion 0f the c0de with everyb0dy's bl00d. Y0u must retrieve it fr0m 0ur planet's m00n right away. D0c Scratch has it. Get Kanaya t0 send y0u 0ff. She's at the t0p 0f her echeladder, but she d0esn't have much time. She might awaken any minute. Put the b00k s0mewhere the rest 0f us will be able t0 find later."

"Why? What's so important about this book?"

"We b0th kn0w the answer t0 that. Unless y0u are n0 l0nger as receptive t0 the whipsers 0f the H0rr0rterr0rs 0f the 0uter rim as y0u 0nce were. The b00k may h0ld answers. But we d0n't have much time."

Aradia bit her lip nervously. "But if I were to send the book back, wouldn't we have it right now?"

"We might. However, because y0u are n0t the Her0 0f Space, it may take y0u a great deal 0f time t0 catch back up with 0ur p0siti0ns here. The 0uter rim is n0t t0 be taken lightly."

"But..."

"We. D0n't. Have. Much. Time."

Aradia took a deep breath, and then let it out. "Alright. Kanaya?"

"I'm not altogether certain as to whether I'll be able to successfully transport you back to our planet. I am, of course, at the level where I am capable of wrinkling space and shortening distance, but I have never attempted the transport of objects as massive as people, not out of the outer rim, nor through such large..."

"Just do it, Kanaya!" Aradia snapped, her eyes bright, her usually friendly expression touched with a manic look that aged and darkened her face, "I need to know what's gone wrong."

"If you insist," Kanaya said hesitantly, and lifted her glowing hands in the air. The landscape around them began to shift again, and at the same time, the air in front of them rippled, looking as though the surface of a plate of water had folded back in on itself, surface touching surface and creating the illusion of a hole.

Aradia immediately stepped forward cautiously reached her hand toward the ripple.

Just as she was about to step through, Kanaya suddenly disappeared, and the hole snapped closed, sucking Aradia away with the mingled sounds of of an inverted cannon shot and a scream.

* * *

><p>[carcinoGeneticist started trolling centaursTesticle]<p>

CG: EQUIUS  
>CG: BECAUSE YOU'RE SHOCKINGLY THE LEAST LIKELY OF US TO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY OR TURN IT INTO SOME KIND OF CIRCUS SHITF***ERY THAT RESULTS IN ANOTHER APOCALYPSE, I'M ORDERING YOU TO KEEP AN EYE ON ERIDAN.<p>

CT: D→ What.

CG: YOU HEARD ME.  
>CG: WITHOUT SOMEONE TO TALK TO, THE LITTLE SHIT WILL TRIP OVER HIS OWN F***ING GALAXY-SIZED MEDICAL CASE OF NARCISSISM AND INTO A PATHETIC LITTLE HOLE OF MISERY.<br>CG: AND THEN MAYBE GO CRAZY ENOUGH DOWN THERE TO PULL A TEXTBOOK RAGICIDE WHEN HE CRAWLS BACK OUT.  
>CG: IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME.<br>CG: I THINK.

CT: D→ You are ordering me to keep the seadweller company?  
>CT: D→ Is that what is happening here?<br>CT: D→ I...

CG: DON'T SAY YOU NEED A TOWEL.  
>CG: I SWEAR. I SWEAR I WILL PULL A WHIRLING DEVICE OUT OF MY ASS, POINT IT IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, AND SHIT IN IT UNTIL YOU'RE GAGGING ON THE SWEET TASTE OF HATE STINK.<p>

CT: D→ Abso100tly, sir.  
>CT: D→ I will try my best not to entice your e%crement.<br>CT: D→ Is there anything at all else you would like to order me to do.

CG: MY GOD, EQUIUS.  
>CG: MY<br>CG: F***ING  
>CG: GOD.<br>CG: THERE ARE NO WORDS IN EXISTENCE THAT CAN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE YOUR BULLSHIT INSANITY.  
>CG: JUST TROLL ERIDAN FROM TIME TO TIME, MAKE SURE HE'S NOT ABOUT TO PULL HIS WAND ON ANYONE.<p>

CT: D→ His wand?

CG: YES. HIS WAND. HIS MAGIC TWIG. WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?  
>CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.<br>CG: JUST MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T FLY OFF THE HANDLE. I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT; HE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF US WHO HE HASN'T PROPOSED TO, KILLED, OR BEEN KILLED BY. I HAVE MADE ALL KINDS OF LEADERLY CHARTS AND DATA GRAPHS AND ET F***ING CETERA TO ASSESS EVERYONE'S CAPABILITY, AND YOU'RE THE LEAST WORST IDIOT FOR THE JOB.

CT: D→ Pardon me if I come a% as being disrespectful or unc00perative,

CG: A%? WHAT THE F***?

CT: D→ Across.  
>CT: D→ As I was saying, it seems to me as though you are attempting to set up myself and the highblood in a moirallegiance.<br>CT: D→ I already have a moirail, and I care for her very much, you f001ish lowb100d.  
>CT: D→ I mean,<br>CT: D→ Fiddlesticks.  
>CT: D→ ...I need a towel.<p>

CG: I'LL JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT TO KEEP THIS F***ING CRAPPY EXCUSE OF A CONVERSATION AS CIVIL AS POSSIBLE.  
>CG: I'M NOT SETTING YOU UP WITH ERIDAN, GOD. I WOULDN'T WISH THAT DESPERATE LITTLE F***ER ON ANYONE'S ROMANTIC QUADRANTS. WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?<br>CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.  
>CG: THIS IS TO KEEP THE MURDERS AT A MINIMUM, ALRIGHT?<br>CG: MY NIGHTMARES HAVE BEEN PRETTY F***ING TERRIBLE, TO BE HONEST. THE MOST GRUESOME HORRORTERRORS EVER CONCEIVED HAVE BEEN RAPING MY THINK-PAN MERCILESSLY, AND I'M STILL SLIGHTLY ADDICTED TO SLEEPING POTIONS SO IT CAN'T REALLY BE HELPED. ADDICTIONS SUCK BULGEASS.

CT: D→ Your e%pressions are as vulgar as always. I really do not approve in the slightest.  
>CT: D→ But I suppose one with b100d such as yours are simply fated to act without intelligence or dignity.<br>CT: D→ In fact, you act quite becomingly for one of your station in society.

CG: SHUT THE F*** UP AND QUIT ACTING LIKE "SOCIETY" IS SOMETHING THAT APPLIES TO US ANYMORE.  
>CG: LAST TIME I CHECKED, WHICH, BY THE WAY, WAS RIGHT THIS F***ING INSTANT, HAVING ELEVEN REMAINING MEMBERS OF OUR SPECIES AND A DEAD HOME PLANET PRETTY MUCH MEANS THAT ANY "SOCIETAL" STANDINGS ARE MOOT POINT.<br>CG: SO MOOT THAT IF YOU WERE TO ALCHEMIZE THE FANCIEST F***ERY OF A MICROSCOPE EVER TO EXIST IN PARADOX SPACETIME, AND THEN TAKE A LOOK AT THESE SO-CALLED "SOCIETAL" STANDINGS, YOU'D SEE THAT THERE'S NOTHING THERE. NOTHING.  
>CG: BECAUSE THE FACT IS, THERE NEVER WAS ANY TO BEGIN WITH. THE HEMOSPECTRUM IS A SHITTY MADE-UP ASSFART OF A FANTASY THAT HIGHBLOODS INVENTED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR OWN SAD, SAD, LIVES. AND IT'S EVEN LESS IN EXISTENCE NOW. IT'S EXISTENCE IS NEGATIVE.<br>CG: SO SHUT THE F*** UP ABOUT HOW I TALK AND JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU, WITHOUT WHINING LIKE A LITTLE WRIGGLER ON THE RECEIVING END OF A CULLING FORK TO THE SHAME GLOBE.

CT: D→ I...  
>CT: D→ I need...<p>

CG: I'LL CUT YOU OFF THERE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME VOMIT MY ENTRAILS ONTO THE SCREEN.  
>CG: ANYWAY, JUST KEEP ERIDAN FROM GOING OFF HIS ROCKER, AND WITH SOME LUCK WE'LL ALL SURVIVE THIS SHITTY JOKE OF A SCHOOL LONG ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE F*** WE'RE PRANCING AROUND A MAGICAL CASTLE WITH A BUNCH OF GIGGLY HUMANS.<p>

[carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling centaursTesticle]

CT: D→ ...I really do need a towel.

* * *

><p>Hermione closed the book before her with a frustrated <em>thump<em>.

She was in the library with Harry and Ron, who were using the books to study up on their Transfiguration. She, however, was searching the shelves for any information about the trolls. There were not very many students in the library at this hour, and some of the lamps had already been extinguished in the far ends of the library. Harry glanced up at the sound of the closing book, while Ron continued to scribble off a few more sentences on the subject of human transfiguration.

"Any luck, Hermione?" asked Harry tentatively.

"No. But it doesn't make any sense. Surely if Professor McGonagall had a way of knowing where the trolls are from, there must be a way to read up on it? I can't find a single, stinking book on the subject!" she huffed, aggravated, and bent over to pick up a fresh book from the stack she'd piled next to their table.

"Oh, hello there Hermione, Ron, Harry," said a voice from behind the latter two. Hermione heaved up a book and set it on the table, glancing up to see who'd spoken.

"Hullo Luna," Ron said absently, "Hey, Hermione, was it the _I__ntestina_ curse that was outlawed as a form of torture in the seventeenth century?"

"Yes, Ron. It says so right there in the book in front of you. Just read it for yourself."

"Asking you's easier, everyone knows that."

"Hermione, you look like a Whacky Batwinger's been sucking on your blood," Luna interjected seriously, "I have a tonic for that if you need it."

Hermione clenched her jaw and willfully focused her gaze on Luna's cork necklace so as to avoid rolling her eyes out of her head. She really wasn't in the mood for Luna's ridiculous notions of imaginary creatures. There were books to be read. Many, many books.

Harry smiled and said patiently, "No, it's not a Whacky Batwinger. Hermione is just cross because she can't find any books about the trolls."

"Oh! That's all? Just look up Skaia or Alternia. My father printed an article once..."

"Thank you, Luna," Hermione said hastily before the Ravenclaw could get completely carried away, "Actually, we should all be getting back to our common rooms, before curfew, so we'll see you later, alright?"

"Sure," nodded Luna, smiling. Suddenly, her eyes bulged out with excitement and she held up one finger to indicate that they should wait a moment. Luna then gazed upwards, squinted one eye completely shut, and delicately reached her forefinger up into the air, her tongue poking out of her mouth in apparent concentration.

Hermione glanced down to raise her eyebrows at Ron in a what-do-you-expect-from-_her_ sort of way, and consequently missed an an impressively loud blast that made both her friends jump in their seats. Quickly, she looked back up at Luna, whose face was covered in soot in a way that suggested that something had just exploded in her face. She was now clutching a thick, black book that was spattered with various colors.

"Wait, what just happened?" Hermione demanded, as Luna carefully blew some dust off the book.

"Gamzee gave me a a spare sylladex this summer," Luna said serenely through her mask of ash, "It's a Surprise Modus. I never really know what will happen when I pull something out of it, but I set my Strife Specibus to Wandkind, so I don't have to worry about losing my wand anymore. It's quite useful, actually."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared up at her blankly.

"Anyway," Luna continued briskly, "Here you go, Hermione. This book came in one of the captchalogue cards. I don't think Gamzee even knew he had it, to be honest, but I hope he doesn't mind if I lend it to you. Since you were trying to find out about the trolls, it should be quite useful."

Hermione took the still-sooty book and stared down at it, feeling as though this perfectly routine excursion to the library had suddenly taken a very surreal turn. When she looked back up, Luna had absconded. No, Luna had left. Not even Hermione was pretentious enough to use the word 'abscond' in her casual stream-of-thought consciousness.

"Get your things," Hermione snapped bossily, slipping the book into her bag, "We really should go back to the common room."

"Hold onto your skirt, Hermione. Lemme finish this sentence first," Ron responded, quickly grabbing his quill and scribbling down a few more words onto his parchment.

Halfway through their usual clambering back through the Portait-Hole into Griffindor Tower, Nepeta pitched herself at them from the other end of the room, knocking all three of them straight back through the hole and to the stone floor of the hallway.

"Merlin, Leijon! What are you _doing_?" Ron groaned, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head as she hopped to her feet and bounced around them.

"You three are furiends with Karkat, right? So you clawly know where he hiss, right? Where hiss he?" she cried, giving them no time to answer between queries.

"Are those cat puns you're making?" Harry asked blankly, his face looking as though it couldn't quite decide what kind of expression it wanted to make.

"Hiss _gone_," she wailed, "What if something pawful happened? I haven't seen him in furever!"

Hermione made an long-suffering sort of noise in the back of her throat and got to her feet, hoisting her book bag onto her shoulders. "You had lunch with him, Nepeta."

She hissed loudly, her hair standing on end.

"You don't understand! The last time we all got sepurrated, everyone went crazy and started killing each other!"

The three of them stared blankly at her. So many blank stares had been given that day, one would think they would have run out, but apparently that was not the case. Blank stares may well be an inexhaustible resource. Shocking.

"What...?" Ron finally managed.

"Yeah! We purr all_ dying!_ We need Karkat as a leader to keep us furom purrdering each othfur!"

"...Purrdering," said Hermione flatly, "Really."

"Blimey, Karkat was your _leader_?" Ron asked, a grin spreading across his face, "That idiot?"

Ron was narrowly saved from decapitation at the claws of a suddenly irate Nepeta by the timely appearance of Karkat. Thank goodness for timely appearances.

"Nepeta, put your f***ing claws AWAY. And don't jump on me. I SAID DON'T F***ING JUMP-" Nepeta jumped on him. "-Well then fine. Just keep up that insubordination and we'll be well on our way to getting ourselves thoroughly f***ed over as usual. You know what? Nevermind. I was a crap leader anyway, do whatever the f*** you want. But seriously, keep your claws in their deck."

"What claws?" asked Ron.

"The ones she was about to ejaculate out of her Strife Deck and surgically lacerate your flimsy piece of skull with," Karkat said flatly, not even attempting to get out from beneath the purring Nepeta perched on his head, "You really shouldn't antagonize her, she's not quite right in the head."

"You're one to talk," muttered Ron, plenty loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear. Karkat swelled with preparatory air, his teeth gnashing together like a meat/flesh grinder.

"Er, anyway," Harry interrupted, gesturing toward the common room, "After you."

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 11<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Sorry, I don't think this chapter has much in the "funny" department. D: Ugh so frustrating. It also feels kinda... Off. Again a lot of dialogue, and I'm not sure if I really achieved what I was going for. I've passed my two-week threshold, though, so I figured I really needed to post something new. I just hope it's good enough.

And you know how I said the human kids might not show up here? I lied. They won't play much of a part, but we might see a little them anyway down the line. :P Waaay down the line.

_Review pleeeeeeeease? :3 (Yes that was eight e's. So you don't have to count.)_


	12. Chapter 12: Getting Meta

**Note**: Thank you so much _everyone_ for all the kind reviews! :'D I appreciate every single one so much. (hearts)

HSHP 3er - Hm, your comment made me think a bit. Which is good! So thank you! :) I wanted to have a good balance between action and interactions, plus it's good to have more mellow bits between intense action. But you're right, it might be good to spice some things up. ;D I'm going to try and bring flying/Quidditch into the next chapter, which will hopefully be more action-y. Rest assured, things are happening, I think I'm just generally slow when it comes to moving along the plot. I'll have to work on that lol.

And the rest of you: Thank you for your input as well. I promise I take your thoughts to heart and think about them, even if I'm often too lazy to respond outright. xB

The inclusion of the ~ATH book in the previous chapter kinda just happened, lol. Just Hermione in the library, looking for trolls... Oh, we haven't seen Luna in a while... Oh, sylladexes are funny... Oh, library = books, I'd better figure out a way of including the ~ATH book and _thank you, Aradia!_ And thank you to Neodarklight for giving me some information on the origin of the ~ATH book itself. :) If anything about how the Golden Trio got their hands on the book is confusing, feel free to message me/review about it, and I'll be sure to extrapolate some more in due time.

Also, I apologize for the relative shortness of this chapter. I almost feel as though I'm robbing you guys of your rightful word count, but since this whole chapter had a unifying aspect to it, I didn't really want to put in too much more. So here, have it earlier than I was planning to post it.

Alright that was much too long of a **Note**. Moving on.

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 12:<p>

* * *

><p><span>In The Slytherin Common Room:<span>

"For the last _time_, get away from me. Just because you can't make your own friends doesn't mean I want you oozing about in my presence," said the human, flicking through his copy of _Advanced Transfiguration_ and ignoring Blaise's incessant sniggering.

"Oh, c'mon, Draco..."

"We are _not_ on first name terms. How do I get that through your idiot skull?"

"Draco..."

"Go away."

"But..."

"No."

Eridan gave up and walked away to sulk in the corner of the common room.

(If it seems out of character for Eridan give up so easily, readers should be informed that this back-and-forth has gone on for fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds exactly.)

The wall hiding the passage to the Slytherin common room grated open, making the sound echo through the green-lit common area. Several students glanced up out of habit to see who had arrived, but most of them kept their focus on their conversations and studies. Soon though, the footfalls of confident boots made their way through the passage, and stopped at the threshold to the room. A few of the students that had been present at the lake gasped in surprise at the new arrival, commanding the attention of the rest of the present Slytherins.

Vriska Serket looked down her nose at the room, her wings waving slightly in the air and her red boots affording her an extra couple inches of height.

After a long pause, she finally flipped her hair and and said haughtily, "Who the f*** is the decorator around here? Someone needs to be kicked in the face for this godawful overdose of _greeeeeeeen_."

After another cautious pause. A moment later, Blaise stood and called up from the back of the room, "You'll have to take that up with the authorities, little miss fairy princess!"

A few sniggers went around as Vriska made eye contact with Blaise and pulled her fangs into a grin. She then lifted the fingers of her right hand to her temple, and the grin on her face fixed into a half-grimace, eyes narrowing as she growled softly.

Taken aback at the gesture, the chuckling froze over into a hypnotized silence.

And then without emitting so much as a gasp of sound, Blaise crumpled to the floor.

The atmosphere in the room suddenly chilled to match the sickly green lighting.

"He'll be fine," Vriska said carelessly, flicking away an imaginary speck dust from her coat and sweeping her gaze across the assembled Slytherins, "Do the rest of you sorry losers have anything to say?"

They didn't.

* * *

><p><span>Meanwhile, In The Griffindor Common Room:<span>

The clock had turned to half past nine. Harry and Ron had long since quit their studies, and were "taking a break" by seeing who could most accurately toss crumpled pieces of parchment into the fireplace from the farthest distance away. Consequentially, Hermione would glance up from her Ancient Runes textbook from time to time and send them deeply disapproving stares. When a ball of paper finally bounced into the fireplace, caught fire, and rolled back onto the carpet, she quickly slammed her book shut and extinguished the flame with a wave of her wand.

"Whoops, sorry Hermione," Ron apologized.

"That's ten poins off your score, Ron," Harry commented, balling up a fresh sheet of parchment for his next throw.

"You two better stop that this instant and get back to your books! Have either of you even started on Professor Flitwick's water assignment?"

"No," they said in unison. And then they high-fived.

"I cannot _believe_ you people," Hermione pouted.

"ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU F***ERS TOOK ANOTHER MASSIVE SHIT ON MY HAPPINESS WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?" rang a voice from the top of the boy's dormitory.

A few lower-year Griffindors glanced up at that, but the rest ignored the outburst completely. They were quickly becoming jaded to the crabby troll's habit of screaming at the top of his lungs.

"What happiness?" Ron muttered to Harry from the corner of his mouth, chucking another ball of parchment at the fireplace. "Yes! That's my ten points back."

Karkat stomped down the stairs and toward the trio, fuming wordlessly. For once.

"What's wrong, Karkat?" Hermione asked.

"Gamzee overdosed on the Pacification Potion I brewed for him, and now he's as high as a kite. No, f*** that. Kites are not even molecularly capable of getting half as high that idiot is right now. That potion was supposed to last him ALL F***ING WEEK. He's gone and chugged it _all_. What did I do to deserve such a high-maintenence moirail? WHAT THE F*** DID I EVER DO?"

"I dunno, mate. I could probably think of a few things off the top of my head," Ron said immediately, "Want me to make some suggestions?"

Karkat flipped him off with both hands.

(On the other side of the room, a circle of first-years girls started trying to copy the gesture, waving their middle fingers at each other with glee and giggling.)

"I'm getting out of here for a while. Maybe visit Terezi in the hospital or whatever," Karkat said, and headed for the portrait-hole.

"You can't do that! It's against school rules to wander about after hours!" Hermione called angrily after him.

"GO F*** YOURSELF. NO? WAIT, LET ME GUESS, IS THAT AGAINST SCHOOL RULES TOO?" he shouted over his shoulder, slamming the portrait behind him.

"Now that I think about it, f***ing yourself probably _is_ against school rules," Ron said conversationally.

"Do you ever get the feeling that we're a little _too_ accustomed to Karkat?" Harry asked.

Ron nodded. "Oh, all the time."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

Hermione slapped her face against the front of her Ancient Runes textbook.

* * *

><p><span>Meanwhile, in the Slytherin Common Room:<span>

Eridan was sitting in the corner behind an empty armchair, somehow completely oblivious to the presence of Vriska in the room, and was instead pulling up Trollian on his SeaPhoame. He started at the top and tried trolling through the list, but was met with rather limited success...

[caligulasAquarim started trolling adiosToreador]  
>CA: so wwhat are you doin ovver in hufflestuff or wwhatevver the f*** it was<br>[adiosToreador is an idle troll!]  
>CA: f***in fine i don't give a glub about you either.<p>

[caligulasAquarium started trolling twinArmeggedons]  
>CA: wwhat do you think of these humans? evveryone i'm meetin are total scum.<br>[twinArmeggedons is an idle troll!]  
>CA: you knoww i sea howw it is, don't evven bother to answwer<p>

[caligulasAquarium started trolling carcinoGeneticist]  
>CA: kar, please f***kin be there i'm going through shell right noww nobody's talking to me or nothin<br>[carcinoGeneticist is an idle troll!]

...if rather limited success means COMPLETE FAILURE nowadays.

* * *

><p><span>Meanwhile, in the Griffindor Common Room<span>:

Hermione thoroughly scolded her friends for being slackers, and had managed to convince them to cease flinging wads of parchment into the fireplace. Apparently the carefully explained consequences of what the fire hazard could entail was enough to dissuade them. Or perhaps they were just running low on parchment to throw. Or maybe it was the way she stared soullessly into their eyes while gripping her Ancient Runes textbook like a bludgeon.

The occupants of the common room slowly thinned out as they headed up into their dormitories, but the Golden Trio remained by their books, working through their assignments under the terrifying glare of Hermione's Evil Eye.

By the time ten thirty rolled by, however, nearly everyone had retired to their dormitories. Apparently no one wanted to start out their school year with sleep deprivation. Only the students were left, and of them, Ron had fallen asleep in an armchair and Harry was starting to do the same. Hermione finished her notes and checked through her bookbag for any important assignments she may have missed. However, when she withdrew her hand, she found herself gripping the thick, black, paint-spattered book that Luna had given to her in the library.

She glanced up at her drooling friends and rolled her eyes with exasperation before turning her gaze back to the book in her hands. There were white markings on its front that looked unsettlingly like the face of a skull, and she wondered for a moment if she was wasting her time with this thing. But Hermione Granger was never one to leave a book unopened, so she sighed and turned the cover.

The first page greeted her with a simple picture depicting a boy with black hair and rectangular glasses. She recognized the pixillated lines of something that had been created through digital means.

The second and third pages were covered with letters, the same four repeated over and over in different colors.

H O N K H O N K H O N K H O N K

Hermione raised her eyebrows and turned the page. And turned the page. And turned the page. She started flipping through the book, and found that the first hundred or so were covered with the same repeating letters, until she hit a denser section of the book, which was filled with single snapshots of digital images, similar to the ones on the first page. She continued to let the pages flip heavily, and too quickly to really see anything specific. Judging from the increasing amount of colors and number of photos per page, however, they were becoming more complex. One page got stuck, and she impatiently turned it, only to see that the next page contained a digital image of a black, grinning face with horns, orbited by horoscope-symbol-emblazoned circles. Her eyes glanced over it and she continued to flip.

Wait a minute.

Hermione flipped back to a page that held the moving picture. She furrowed her brow and stared at the tiny digits below the turning circles. Only Muggles dealt in computers, she was sure, but moving photographs were surely something exclusive to the wizarding world?

The numbers hit 100% and humming, beat-heavy, digital music began to play from the book in front of her.

Hermione's eyes widened to the size of saucers. As the images rolled through the surface of the photograph, accompanied by the music, she recognized some very symbolic depictions of the trolls being presented in this... animation. Judging from the horns, there was the one who landed that day; Vriska, and also Terezi? The pictures started to flash faster, and more images of trolls and forests and islands rolled by, until Hermione was utterly confused by what was supposed to be going on.

The flash ended, and Hermione stared at the image, her mouth open wide and wordless. She then noticed something that had been neatly written in white letters over a blue splash of paint at the top of the page:

_[S] Make her pay_

"Ron! Harry!" she hissed, grabbing her wand and slapping them awake with a spell, "You've got to take a look at this!"

"Ugh, Hermione, I did enough homework today..." Harry yawned, pressing his face into a crimson armchair-cushion, "Lemme alone." Ron just pretended to remain comatose.

"The book Luna gave us has pictures of the trolls in it!" she said urgently, flipping back through the book and looking more carefully at the photographs, "_Thousands_ of pictures of trolls, some kids, weird animals, and strange landscapes. And look at _this__!_" She flipped back to _[S] Make her pay_ and held the book up to Ron and Harry, the moving surface of the picture facing away from her.

By the time the music ceased, she had their full attention.

"What kinds of instruments make that sound?" Ron asked, after a short pause.

"Muggle computers," Hermione said simply. Ron scrunched his face slightly, his lower lip pulling in.

"Can I have a look at that book?"

Hermione obligingly passed the book to Harry, who turned to a random page deep into the book. A picture of a human man in greyscale blinked up at him, and he gently pulled the photo from its place in the book.

"Harry! What are you..."

A scroll of paper slid into view from behind the image, covered in grey and blue text. Ron and Hermione immediately scooted in to read over Harry's shoulder.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

CG: JOHN.

EB: karkat!  
>EB: what's up?<p>

CG: I'M NOT SURE WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS.  
>CG: I GUESS IT'S JUST OUT OF A SENSE OF OBLIGATION AT THIS POINT.<br>CG: WE'VE COME THIS FAR  
>CG: SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOW.<p>

EB: know what?

CG: I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE  
>CG: THIS MIGHT EVEN BE THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME.<br>CG: WAIT, WHAT THE F*** AM I SAYING, THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME WILL BE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME.

EB: uh...

CG: I MEAN THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.  
>CG: BECAUSE FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I COULD BE DEAD SOON.<p>

EB: oh no!  
>EB: are you in some sort of trouble?<br>EB: is it jack?  
>EB: karkat?<br>EB: what's going on?

CG: OH GOD THE HONKING  
>CG: WHY WON'T THE HONKING STOP<br>CG: I HAVE TO GO  
>CG: SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A DOUCHE TO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.<br>CG: I HOPE YOU CAN SUCCEED AS A LEADER WHERE I FAILED MISERABLY.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

Harry carefully pushed the text back into place, and laid the image back on its page, where it stuck as though under the influence of a strong static force. The three of them looked up at each other, eyes wide and questioning.

"What the hell was that all about?" Ron asked, his eyebrows stretched upwards, "You don't reckon-"

"I think this book is some kind of documentation of the trolls' lives," Hermione said quietly, taking the book from Harry and pulling the image back out, her eyes scanning once again over the roll of paper that slid into view, "Although I'm not sure who these other people are supposed to be. John, Jack... Those sound like human names."

"But what was Karkat saying? About it being the last time he'd talk to John? And the last time being the first time?" Harry wondered.

Hermione examined the paper conversation in her hands. "I don't know... 'Last time from my perspective.' " She grimaced, "It all doesn't make much sense. And why would they bother to document it? It seems like an awful lot of work, and to then entrust it to _Makara_, of all trolls."

"And what was the big deal about the honking?"

Hermione's jaw dropped with a realization, and she hastily placed the image back before flipping to the front of the book. They wordlessly stared at the continuous stream of H O N K H O N K H O N K's that were written on the hundred or so uninterrupted pages.

Then, at the same time, Harry and Ron blurted out realizations of their own.

"Gamzee has a bunch of horns in his sylladex, sometimes they fall out and _honk_."

"The paint all over this book that the _honks_ are written with! It's... it's not paint!"

Covering her mouth with her one hand, Hermione turned the cover closed and examined the not-paint. The three shared a moment of silence filled in equal parts confusion, disbelief, and revulsion.

"Every color is here except for indigo," she said slowly, "Gamzee wrote these letters out with the blood of his friends."

And uncomfortable pause followed, and Hermione felt a shiver go up her spine.

"We should read this book, start to finish," Harry stated seriously, "and find out as much as we can."

"I dont know... Wouldn't we be breaching their privacy?" Hermione asked worriedly.

"Hermione, you're holding a book soaked in the blood of the eleven trolls at this school!" Ron said hotly, "How can you not want to read this and understand what in the bloody pits of hell is going on?"

"Ten of the trolls," Hermione corrected.

"You know what I mean!"

"We don't really know what this is," Harry said, gesturing to the book, "For all we know, this _could_ be a fictional work. A story or something. _Or_ it could have all the answers to what the trolls are doing in our world and why. We _need_ to find out what's happening!"

"I think it might be better to give it back to them," Hermione argued, "We shouldn't be poking our noses into their business like this. It doesn't concern us."

"Of course it concerns us, Hermione! Something definitely fishy's going on here, and this _bloody_ book is the key."

They glared at each other, until Hermione finally sighed and glanced at the clock on the far side of the room.

"Alright, we'll deal with this later. It's getting late, and we really should be getting our rest. _I'll_ keep the book, and we'll discuss it tomorrow, alright?"

* * *

><p>Nepeta jerked out of her dream just as a deadly shadow was about to come crashing into her skull. She sat up in her bed and curled her arms around her knees, chewing her lip a bit with her sharp teeth, her eyes glowing slightly in the gloom. Sighing, she got to he knees and pulled the curtains away from her bed, her eyes flitting around the dark room and taking in every detail with perfect clarity.<p>

The window was filled with stars, which she admired for a moment. Someone had left a very nice pair of red boots lying by the foot of their bed, and she admired those also. Then her eyes fell upon the book lying upon Hermione Granger's bedside table. She stifled a soft scream with the curtain when she saw the colors spattered across it.

Cautiously, she slid out of her bed and slinked across the room, slipped the book from the table, and retreated silently back to the safety of her curtained bed. After pulling the curtains tightly closed, she pulled her knees up comfortably against herself, turned her eyes back to the blood-soaked book, and gingerly turned the page.

All through the night, she turned the pages and sometimes read the words, quickly skipping over the images that played sound, lest she awaken her dorm mates. At one point, she came across a pesterlog between Karkat and Terezi that made her throat close up. She'd always known it, but the finality of the little heart sign in the log made her head pound and her insides turn to stone.

She bit her knee and flipped past the log.

Much deeper into the book, she found it.

A picture of a pool of bright red and light teal swirling together on the floor of the lab. Her heart thudded as she stared at the picture, and her shoulders trembled slightly, as if cold.

Nepeta stared at the photograph for ages, until finally she shoved the book in her sylladex and curled up under her blankets, pulling a pillow toward her to hug to her body. Impulsively, she clutched the fluffy sack closer to her chest and sank her fangs into the soft fabric. There was no way she was going to let any of the others see what was in that book. They wouldn't be able to take it. If the heartbreak of various realizations weren't enough, they would have to come to terms with everything that had happened in their past. It was much easier to live on in this fantasy castle and pretend that nothing had ever gone wrong.

She wondered vaguely about the many copies of themselves that had perished or faded away in offshoot timelines. Was there one somewhere where there was no love unrequited?

But no.

Regardless, no one could see what was in that book. The information could kill them with despair, if that were a thing that was possible.

_Equius always said I was overdramatic_, she thought as the nightmares closed around her.

* * *

><p>It was two o'clock in the morning, and nobody was down in the Griffindor common room. In fact, there were only two Griffindors awake at the time. One was in her dormitory, and the other was not at all in the place he was supposed to be. Not that he cared.<p>

Karkat Vantas was wandering the halls of the castle, specifically the West Wing that the Headmistress had cautioned against, on the grounds that it was still unsafe and under reconstruction. He hadn't managed to find his way back to the Hospital Wing ever since he was forced to leave Terezi's side, or he might have been standing at the door of the Hospital Wing at that very moment, assessing the various sickles in this Strife Deck and how well-suited they were to hacking open the locked entrance in front of him. As it was, he instead approached the gaping, collapsed chasm in the outer wall of the hallway, and examined it with a halfhearted curiosity, noticing the sparks and shimmering of a magical barrier that someone had erected in the gap to keep out the cold.

He turned away from the hole and continued on his way.

After arriving at a small staircase, he continued to climb until it deposited him on the other end of the castle from where he started, on the seventh floor. Of course, he had no way of knowing this, and continued to walk under the correct assumption that he had absolutely no f***ing clue where was was. It didn't matter, really. He wasn't planning to sleep that night; he had to force himself to get over that Sleeping Potion addiction _sometime_ or another. But if he were to be perfectly honest with himself, he was out walking because he was looking for company. And _maybe_ figuring out _where_ in this deathtrap maze of a castle he was would be useful too.

An ugly tapestry depicting mortally offensive images of "trolls" passed on his right, and he backtracked to take a closer look.

"Holy f***," he said to himself, "Are they wearing _leotards_?"

A sudden _meow_ sounded from down the hall, and he looked up in the direction he'd been heading. An ugly, scruffy cat was approaching him, making a vocal racket.

"F*** off, you mangy sack of unwashed gaper discharge," he snarled.

The cat sat its scrawny ass down in front of him and _meow_'d.

That was when Karkat heard the faint, but quickly approaching footsteps someone down the hallway.

"_Shit_," he glanced around, darting unsurely back and forth in front of the ugly tapestry, the cat trailing him and raising its voice to a yowl. He took a kick at it, but missed. A voice called out for the cat, and then promised a painful death for any students out of bed. Oh, great. Where was it coming from? Where could he _hide_? And where the f*** _was_ he, anyway?

He turned, and saw a door had appeared across the hall.

Karkat hesitated for just a moment before running up to it and pulling it open, slipping inside the room and closing the door behind him. As the door closed, a dim light lit up in the ceiling, letting him see at a comfortable level of luminosity.

The room was a small one, with a long, low table pushed into the corner. On the table was a large sheet of parchment, folded up neatly many times over. For lack of anything better to do, Karkat picked it up and unfolded it, spreading it across the table so that its edges lined up exactly with the edges of the table.

It was the floorplan of something, with many twisting hallways and rooms and staircases leading to new floors. His eyes fell upon a large room, that was labeled clearly in script handwriting: _Hospital Wing_.

Hell. F***ing. Yes.

_Finally_ something useful.

After carefully examining the map, he realized that he still didn't know where the f*** he was. The map of the seventh-floor corridor with its minute troll tapestry looked promising, but the room he knew he was in wasn't showing up. Grumbling unhappily to himself, he folded the map up haphazardly and grabbed a sylladex card to put it away. Maybe he'd be able to get his bearings better if he were not inside this room.

Without thinking things through, he turned the knob in the door and pushed it open.

And came face-to-face with a f***load of ugly, stench-wheezing, victorious human.

"A student out of bed! I'll have you expelled for this!" the man crowed, clutching Karkat by the arm and making to drag him away into the dungeons or some other completely predictable site of bulge-stabbing torture, otherwise known as a Land of Pain and Punishment.

Karkat looked the human incredulously in the eye.

"Hell. F***ing. No," he said, and wrenched his arm away to slam the door shut in the man's face.

The door luckily had a lock on it, which he turned with righteous impunity.

Unluckily, the door was the only visible exit.

"Well, f***," he said to himself, turning around in the center of the room and observing the troubling lack of alternate escape routes. He stopped his spinning and pulled up the index of his sylladex, scanning through it to check for anything that might be of use. However, there was nothing, unless casually filleting the man on a sickle and hiding the body in his dex was a viable option. Which he rather doubted.

Great. So he was stuck in here, with his only exit blocked on the other side with a psychotic old human.

Today was just not his day.

Or night, or whatever.

Who the f*** even gives a bucket-licking shit?

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 12<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: The pesterlog is canon. It's Karkat: Contact John, if you want to look it up.

(LOPAP. Oh the f***ing irony.)

But yeah... I'll try and get some more exciting things to happen soon. Life's just chugging along as normal in Hogwarts castle atm.

Of course, Hogwarts castle is never a very "normal" place for life to be chugging along, but oh well.

Thank you to Neodarklight for beta-ing this chapter. :) And thank you to Awesome Power of Pandas for inspiring this chapter title. ;P

_Review? :D_


	13. Chapter 13: Repeated FacePlants

**Note:** Fic. Y U NO WRITE YOURSELF?

Yeah I have that problem where sometimes I look at this fic and I want desperately to read the next chapter.

Except.

You know.

I haven't written it yet.

So yeah. Sorry for the wait. :B I really am. D: This chapter gave me plenty of difficulty, if that makes you feel better.

Ank thank you so much for the reviews! OuO They fill my soul with sunshine and all that good girly shit.

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 13:<p>

* * *

><p>When Hermione awoke the next morning, she rolled over and sleepily glanced at her bedside table. Eyes widening suddenly, she sat up out of her bed and stared at the empty space that had been occupied by the bloody book.<p>

It couldn't have been a dream. There was no way.

Sliding out of her bed, she carefully searched around on the floor, but to no avail. Where could it have gone?

She pawed her hand through the darkness under her bed, and felt her hand brush something glossy. Grabbing it quickly, she withdrew it and discovered it to be a stray photograph from the book. It was a flickering image, but not an extended animation. She froze when she realized what it depicted.

It was a crude digital sketch of Kanaya Maryam. Or at least, she assumed it was. The horns matched, and her skin glowed in the dark backdrop like a lamp.

But that was not what caught her attention and made her feel ill.

Despite the cartoonlike style of the drawing, it somehow chilled her to the heart. Kanaya was gripping a chainsaw in her hands, which buzzed across the page in shivering green letters.

And all over the photograph was an overdose of splashing purple (which she knew must be blood), with the upper torso of another troll flying off into the corner with a look of terror on his face.

Somehow, despite the childish manner of the drawing, Hermione felt convinced that this photograph was documented evidence of something that had occurred in real life.

This was insane. Harry and Ron had been right. The blood on the book should have been enough to tip her off, but something really _was_ wrong. Very wrong. Could the trolls really be as murderous as it seemed? Karkat was pretty vocally violent, and Terezi was definitely an oddball, but Hermione had never really believed that they were _dangerous_. In her moment of indecision, a memory of Terezi's cackling grin and her reckless, deadly Fiendfyre flashed in her mind. Oh god. The three of them had to do something before something terrible happened to Hogwarts. Her, Harry, and Ron.

She really had to find that book.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Karkat was still stranded in the room with nothing but a table, a map, and some junk cluttered in his sylladex.<p>

It sounded like that ancient wriggler riddle: A troll stands in a cubical room with nothing but a table, a map, and some junk cluttered in his sylladex. How does he get out?

Answer: He f***in busts a glorious-ass hole in the wall with the table and struts out like a victorious little fart.

Oldest riddle in the book.

Karkat's predicament wouldn't have been particularly troubling for him under most circumstances. He didn't particularly feel the need to go anywhere, and there were some old bottles of Faygo in his sylladex with which he could sustain himself for a while, if it came to a game of patience. Surely the human would leave eventually.

However, he had to take a piss. _Real_ bad. And storing your pee in your sylladex is just f***ing nasty. There were some things that should never _considered_, much less attempted, and peeing into your sylladex was just begging, no, _demanding_ for a terribly embarrassing and/or disgusting situation to occur.

A mere half-hour ago, he had tried opening the door in the hopes that the crazy man had left, but had been forced to quickly slam the door shut again when the stubborn f***er had attempted to shoulder his way into the room. Talk about having unhealthy obsessions.

Perhaps Karkat could have trolled someone to come and help him. Maybe one of his "friends" would be helpful enough to cause a diversion while he absconded, or intervene in some such way that would allow him to scramble to the nearest load gaper post haste and relieve his poor urine bladder.

But he would not call upon his underlings for a few very legitimate REASONS:

1. They were useless pieces of shit that would not comprehend what an "order" was if an honest-to-f***, simple as hell "order" were to walk up to them, shake their hands, and politely kick them with due force in the most sensitive part of their anatomy.  
>2. He was much too f***ing badass (read: stubborn) to be bailed out of a predicament by anyone other than himself.<br>3. He was right then, at that very moment if uncertainty, throwing-the-door-open-as-hard-as-he-could-and-tearing-away-like-a-horrorterror-outta-hell-that-need-to-take-a-leak-_right-that-f***ing-instant-or-he-would-explode_-screw-the-crazy-human-and-his-mangy-piece-of-cat-I'M NOT GETTING EXPELLED, YOU LITTLE NOOK-NUZZLING GRUB F***ER, ESPECIALLY NOT IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT BEING _EXPELLED_ EVEN ENTAILS!

Karkat charged down the hallway towards the stairs (having knocked the human to the floor with the violent swing of the door), powered by the blind, unadulterated rage of someone who really, really needs to pee. But just as he was about to cross the threshold of the stairs and run down the staircase to freedom...

...The mange-ball of catf***ery appeared out of nowhere and tripped him, sending him flying and tumbling down the spiral staircase in a way that in any sane sort of universe would have left him bludgeoned to death, or at the very least, rendered a permanent quadriplegic.

But in this universe, all that would happen is someone, somewhere would make a wholly uncalled for callback to something about how they "WARNED YOU ABOUT THE STAIRS, BRO. I TOLD YOU, DAWG."

By the time Karkat made it to the bottom of the stairwell, he was back on the main floor of the castle, just a stone's throw away from the Great Hall.

He lay there on his back for a few moments, head on the floor and legs splayed up the stairs, and stared at the ceiling with an expression that was something between pain, rage, and long-suffering resignation. Finally, he twitched and rolled over, crawling off the stairs as every external surface of his body ached dully. Karkat knew he would feel far worse in a few hours once shit settled down and sorted out exactly what pain went where. After gingerly getting to his knees, he leaned against the wall to get to his feet, swearing fluently under his breath.

When he looked up, he saw that a gaggle of Slytherin girls were staring at him, faces frozen in various degrees of disbelief and apprehensiveness.

"What the f*** do you think you're ogling, you flock of shitty amusement whores? Do I look like the _star_ of some kind of national ogling festival? Oh hey, I've got an idea; why don't you f*** the hell off and go on a dumbass goose chase for someone that will better appreciate the gaze-rape? F***ing ass-blisters," he snapped.

The girls jumped as one and scurried away.

Feeling marginally better about the day, Karkat reached for his map to find his way to a restroom.

Just then, the grouchy, creepy human from before grabbed him by the back of the robe.

"You're coming with me, you filthy louse," he rasped, brandishing a long-handled broomstick.

If Karkat had exploded right then and there, the autopsy team would have had much difficulty attempting to pin the cause down to either an overflow of fury, or critical urine levels. Life is insane. Also disgusting.

* * *

><p>Karkat had not wanted to make a bloody scene in front of the students that were trickling into the Great Hall for breakfast. He may not have been the most tactful troll in existence, but he did at least have enough decency to avoid ripping someone apart in front of young, impressionable eyes. So he had opted to follow along behind the old human, at least until they had passed into an empty corridor where there were no eyewitnesses.<p>

That what when he'd wrenched his cloak out of the man's grubby hands and attempted to run off like a pansy. (No one was there to see, after all.)

But the old human quickly tripped him with the handle of the broom, and Karkat hit the cold stone floor face-first. He lay there for a moment, cheek plastered against the floor _again_, contemplating what the f*** was wrong with the world. Everything, he finally decided.

"Get up," the man snapped, "I'm taking you to the headmistress."

In response, Karkat rolled over, whipped a pair of sickles out of his Strife Deck, and held them up threateningly in front of him. As threateningly as he could as he lay on his back at the man's feet. Which was still reasonably threatening.

"And I'll have to confiscate those," sneered the man, miraculously unfazed, "No doubt they squirt Stinksap or another messy fluid."

Karkat blinked in disbelief at the human towering over him and brandishing the bushy end of the broom at his face.

"Go on, get up." The man jabbed the broom again at his face with glee.

It was downright f***ing incredible, how stupid this species could be.

Karkat twisted around out of the way and swung his sickle at the man's ankle, cutting through the black robes the human was wearing. A high-pitched scream told him he'd connected, and he quickly pulled his sickle away and rolled over, throwing himself to his feet and running away as fast as he could.

Just as he was about to turn the corner, something collided into his back and his whole body froze, then went limp, hands releasing the sickles and sending them flying as his body fell to the floor, the collision knocking the air out of his respiratory organs suddenly and painfully. Karkat lay on the floor for the third time that morning, seething and gasping and still desperately needing to piss.

Suddenly, one of the sickles he'd dropped caught his eye. Crimson red blood dripped from the blade several feet from his face, dribbling onto the floor.

"Oh my holy f***," he tried to say, but couldn't.

Footsteps echoed down the hall towards him, and a pair of feet soon stopped in his field of vision. He strained his eyes trying to see the person who'd brought him down, but was unable to, on account of his immobile head.

"Would you like you explain to me just what has happened here, Mr. Vantas?" said a cold voice he recognized as the Headmistress'. Sparks hit his face, and he suddenly found his mouth able to move again.

"I need to use the load gaper right _now_ or my urine bladder is going to f***ing explode and take out about half of this bloody psychotic school."

This statement was met with silence.

"Mr. Filch, what is your account of things?" The feet moved away from him and back down the hallway.

"This little monster slashed my ankle, that's what! I found him wandering about after hours, but he locked himself in a room in the seventh floor corridor until morning."

At that particular moment, three sets of footsteps rounded the corner and stopped. Karkat strained his body to move and see who'd arrived, but had no such luck.

"Professor?" asked a voice tentatively. It was Hermione, "What has happ-" she broke off and gasped, apparently having sighted the bloody sickle.

"I'll tell you what f***ing happened!" he snarled, "There I was, trying to find my way to the restroom, and this crazy human sashays up and grabs me by the back of the neck to drag me off to F*** KNOWS WHERE. Excuse me while I exhibit a little self-defense and attempt to get the hell out of the way! I mean wow, my bad, SO GLOBE-F***ING SORRY I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS."

"Vantas," McGonagall cut in sternly, "Is it true that you were out of bed at night?"

A moment's pause.

"No."

Her tone of voice chilled a few degrees closer to absolute zero. "Are you lying to me?"

"... Why yes, of course, _absolutely,_" he spat.

"Hold on," Ron interrupted, "So does that mean he's lying about lying, or lying about not lying?"

"Mister Weasley. Why don't you and your friends run along to breakfast?" It was clearly not a question.

Three sets of feet passed slowly through Karkat's field of vision and eventually out of earshot.

"Vantas, I am going to unfreeze you. Sit up and talk to me like a civilized person."

Another spell hit him in the back, and he complied with sitting up and acting civilized.

"CAN I F***ING GO NOW?"

"You may not. Now, were you, or were you not wandering about after hours last night?"

He stared into her icy gaze for a few moments before growling, "I was."

"And did you, or did you not deliberately attack and injure Mr. Filch?"

His throat started to feel as though it would never stop vibrating with an ever-hateful snarl.

"Well?" she snapped impatiently.

"I did."

She stared at him as he continued to growl to himself uncontrollably, and then sighed heavily.

Filch chose that moment to reenter the conversation. "With all due respect, Headmistress, I believe this little runt should be expelled for his obviously _malicious_ nature. And his after-hours rule-breaking."

McGonagall ignored him, and stared down at Karkat. After a long pause, she sighed again.

"Stand up, Vantas."

He did, slowly and with great reluctance.

"I will remind you _again_, as I did on the evening of your arrival here, that you and your friends are only at this school due to my hospitality, and no other reason. Allowing trolls to attend a school for human witches and wizards is a heavily grey legal zone. Do you understand me?"

There was a long pause before Karkat finally realized that this was not a rhetorical question. He nodded slowly.

"Now I will make myself painfully clear. You will not, under any circumstances, attack or maim any other student or staff at this school. Such conduct is simply not tolerated. If you do such a thing again, you will be promptly expelled from this school and will not be welcome to return. Do you understand me?"

He nodded, again.

"To continue attending this school, you must abide by our rules. I do not know what the social norms are for your people, but so long as you live among other Hogwarts students, I expect you to behave like one. I will not stand for this deplorable conduct. Now _do you understand me_?"

He nodded wordlessly.

She stared at him for a moment, before continuing.

"Your behavior merits two hundred points deducted from Gryffindor. You will also serve detention for Mr. Filch every night after classes for the next month. Understood?"

Karkat nodded.

"Now be on your way."

* * *

><p><span>In the Great Hall:<span>

"Holy Merlin in a bloody broomstick crash!" Ron hollered in surprise, "Look at Gryffindor's points!"

Every single red ruby had fallen out of the upper portion of the Gryffindor hourglass. The Gryffindors immediately began whispering worriedly amongst themselves, while the Slytherins and a few of the other Houses began to jeer from their respective tables.

"That'll be Karkat being punished by McGonagall," Harry said dully.

"Trolls really are violent," Hermione whispered, "Did you see the blood?"

Harry shook his head. "Hermione, I know you were freaked out by that book but you don't have to go-"

Just then, a troll clad in Slytherin robes casually strolled up to the Gryffindor table, her glasses flashing as she scanned the seated students. The whispering died out as she approached.

"Helloooooooo there everyone," she sneered, grinning widely, "Pyrope is still out for the count, is she?"

There was a pause as the Gryffindors in the vicinity glanced at each other waiting for someone to answer. Finally, a Gryffindor third-year piped up, "I think she's still in the hospital wing... Um, if I'm not being to nosy, could I maybe ask you what happened to your wings?"

The rest of the Gryffindors watched carefully as the dialogue unfolded, wary for any of the insanity the troll had displayed the day prior.

But Vriska simply laughed lightly and grinned. "Oh, you silly wriggler, I don't have to have them on all the time, although-" her eyes and grin jerked wide, and a pair of translucent blue wings unfolded behind her in a spectacular pulse of light, "-if you love them so much I don't mind giving you a look."

Despite themselves, a few of the Gryffindors made noises of astonishment and amazement.

"What a show-off," Hermione muttered disapprovingly.

"You've gotta admit they're nice," Harry said, shrugging, "Although I don't really understand why she's the only one of them with wings."

Just then, the end of a cane cracked down on the top of Vriska's head with an audible _pop_, making her yelp in surprise and twist around to see who was the culprit.

Terezi lowered her cane and leaned on it heavily, eyes bandaged with white gauze, but still grinning widely enough to split her own head in two.

"Get the hell out of my way, Serk-shit!"

Vriska snorted, and switched to a high-pitched, sing-song voice. "Make me, Redglare. Or do your little eyes hurt too baaaaaaaad?"

"Nope!" Terezi laughed, and quickly spun her cane around to punch Vriska in the chest with the dragon-headed end. Vriska was thrown hard and just barely managed to keep her feet with the help of her revving wings, but she still skidded back a good ten feet between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables. Her face momentarily fell into an ugly snarl, but then smoothed back out into a cold smile as she regained her footing.

At this point, the pair held the attention of the entire Great Hall, save for a few totally ambivalent trolls who continued eating their breakfasts as though nothing out of the ordinary was occurring. Nobody at the staff table seemed eager to get in the middle of the two, having been fully informed of the incident the day prior.

"Gamzee!" Hermione hissed across the table, "You've got to do something!"

Gamzee glanced up at where Vriska and Terezi were now barking insults at each other as though firing machine guns.

"No way sis. I'm not about to all up and ruin their fun."

"Their fun?" whispered every Gryffindor within earshot, never taking their eyes off the two trolls, whose voices were slowly hitching in volume.

Gamzee nodded knowledgeably, "I'd be motherf***ing rude of me to break up such a glorious miracle."

"I can't believe this," Ron said, about ready to collapse into nervous laughter.

"I was right," Hermione muttered, glancing furtively over her shoulder, "They're flirting."

"Trolls are weird," Harry said matter-of-factly, picking out a blueberry muffin from a baked goods basket, "Éclair, Ron?"

"This doesn't bother you? That they consider _fighting_ as the basis for a normal, healthy relationship?" Hermione demanded.

"Well-"

An unearthly, piercing sound that was a cross between a hiss and a scream shot from Vriska's throat, and a moment later the winged troll punched Terezi square in the face, hard enough to knock her to the floor. Professor Flitwick finally rose from the table and started to make his way to the all-out catfight, but someone else was quicker.

Kanaya ran down the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff aisle and shoved Vriska and Terezi apart, yelling their names angrily and snarling like an enormous guard dog. At this, the trolls in the vicinity turned their heads to join the rest of the humans in watching the spectacle. Nepeta, in particular, clapped her hands and giggled in excitement.

"Shit, Leijon. What the hell are you so excited about?" Ron asked.

"I called it! I called it! I called it a million sweeps ago!" she sang.

"Auspitice," Hermione whispered.

And then a voice rang out from the Great Hall entrance. A very loud, very angry voice.

"ALRIGHT YOU BUNCH OF STINKING, SAUCE-SUCKING GRUBF***ERS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO GET THAT SHIT ON IN _PRIVATE_, NO KANAYA, I DON'T F***ING _CARE_ IF THEY WERE ABOUT TO RIP EACH OTHER'S VASCULAR PUMPS OUT RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR, AND _YOU TWO! _YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO AVOID HAPHAZARDLY DABBLING IN BLACKROM _RIGHT IN FRONT_ OF SEVERAL HUNDRED WRIGGLERS OF A FOREIGN SPECIES, NO, PUT THAT SHIT-EATING GRIN _AWAY_, TEREZI, I'M NOT IN THE F***ING MOOD."

Cue stunned silence.

One of the teachers opened her mouth, ready to deduct points, but then she noticed the empty Gryffindor hourglass, and closed it again.

Nepeta covered her face with her sleeves. "Aw, Karkat, so impurrlite," she whispered.

Ron had to stuff his fist against his mouth to avoid laughing outright.

Harry and Hermione exchanged a look.

"You know, I'd say it's all part of his charm," Harry began, the corner of his lip twitching.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Shut it, Potter."

* * *

><p>Terezi crawled to her feet and snorted with amusement at the shocked looks on every nearby person's face. She then turned and sniffed in Vriska's direction, and was pleased to smell that her opponent was already showing the beginnings of a black eye. Ah, young hate. Best shit ever. Too bad Kanaya had felt the urge to butt in, as usual. Then again, maybe it would work better that way? More fun scuffles and minimal bloodshed for anyone who might <em>accidentally<em> get in the way.

She then approached the Gryffindor table, and immediately a couple of students stood and moved away to make room for her.

Plopping down happily, she sniffed at the delicious scents on the table and reached for a cherry-filled pastry. Moments later, Karkat stomped up, glowered menacingly at the diminutive first-year boy sitting to her left, and sat down when the kid finally melted with fear and scampered away.

They proceeded to eat breakfast in silence for the next few minutes, until Karkat finally blurted, "So how are your eyes?"

She faced him and grinned. "H3H3H3 F4BULOUS, thanks for asking!"

"So they're fixed?"

"If by 'fixed,' you mean 'blind,' then yes, they're 'fixed.' Can you believe humans have this thing called a 'nurse' who heals anyone with injuries? TH3 _N3RV3_!"

"You're joking," he said flatly, "Please tell me you're joking."

"Hehehehehe!"

"What did you do to the nurse?" he asked wearily.

Hermione, Ron, Harry, and indeed, anyone who happened to be within earshot, turned bodily in their seats to listen in on the conversation.

"Relax! I told her if she had to bring my sight back, I would have to shoot fires in my face again, and damn anyone if they tried to get in the way."

The humans all turned back to their breakfasts.

"So anyway, my little Nubsy-Wubsy..."

"F*** YOU AND YOUR PIECE-OF-SHIT FACE."

"...you're coming with me to my flying class today! Don't even try to argue, hehehe, I quite simply _1NS1ST_. It's right after breakfast. Hehe, it's going to be so much fun!"

Karkat slowly and deliberately spat out the scone that had been in his mouth and stared down the table at Gamzee.

"GAMZEE. HEY, MOTHERF***ING MAKARA! It's your duty as a moirail to bludgeon me to death right here, right now, with that f***ing spoon in your dumbass hand, to save me from the traumatizing and embarrassing DEATH BY MAGICAL BROOMSTICK SHANKING."

Gamzee looked up, alarmed, "Aw, no, bro. Don't ask me to do that! I couldn't hurt my best friend, not motherf***ing ever in a thousand sweeps."

"He's not serious, just ignore him," Harry advised.

"Hehehe, look at that, Nubnooker! Everybody is starting to understand you!"

* * *

><p><span>And Now With Feferi and Tavros in Their After-Breakfast Charms Class Because They Would Want More Screentime if They Had a Say in it:<span>

Hannah Abbot had taken a particular interest in her new classmates, and had thus far proved to be a very helpful guide for Tavros and Feferi. Most of the rest of Hufflepuff House remained politely wary to the trolls, apparently still ignorant to the fact that two of the most mild-mannered and friendly of the species had been sorted into their House. It seemed like all the alarming shenanigans that had happened at the lake and in the Great Hall had only made them more careful around Tavros and Feferi, rather than thankful that the two of them were clearly magnitudes more level-headed than any of the other trolls present.

Humans are weird and illogical that way.

But back to the point: Hannah Abbot, the ever-helpful guide for non-native species in magical castles everywhere.

"Charms? Sure! Let me draw you a little map, hold on..."

She proceeded to scribble a completely illegible maze of blotchy lines onto a napkin, and then pushed it across the table to Feferi and Tavros.

"Watch out for the broom closet on the left after the second turn, it likes to spring open and trap people if they're not paying attention. And that particular doorway at the end of the hall works most days of the week, but if you walk through it on Mondays between four o'clock and seven-thirty, it'll leave you stranded in the dungeons somewhere, but that shouldn't be a problem because you don't have Charms on Mondays, right?"

Tavros nodded dazedly.

"Just follow the dotted line I drew for you, and it should be fine! Flitwick is usually pretty understanding, so if you turn up late today he'll probably let it slide. Anyway, I have to go to my own classes now, good luck!"

And with that she hoisted her bookbag onto her shoulder and waved a cheery farewell.

Feferi looked down at the napkin-map in her hand and squinted at it, adjusting her goggles.

"Yea)(... I think we got this, Tavvy. Let's go!"

"Uh, okay. If you're ready, and everything."

They departed the Great Hall and proceeded on an epic quest to the Charms classroom. After passing the aforementioned menacing broom closet without any trouble, Feferi relaxed a little and attempted to make conversation with Tavros.

"So! Are you going to try out for the )(ufflepuff Quidditch team?" she asked eagerly, "Apparently they need new members this year."

"That would definitely be, uh, something really cool, I mean, if I was good enough to do it. But, I'm not so sure that my flying skills are so good, because, uh, you know, I've only tried flying a little, um, over the summer."

She smiled encouragingly at him before looking down again at the paper napkin held firmly in her hands. "You signed up for flying classes, right? I'm sure you'll do GR-EAT! You should definitely go for it if that's something that you'd like to do!"

"Thanks, for being so nice. And stuff. I'd really love to try, but..."

"What is it?" Feferi asked, looking up from the sloppy napkin-map to examine his face. He was fidgeting with the clasp on the front of his robes, and was biting his lower lip lightly with sharp front teeth.

"Uh, nothing. Nevermind," he replied hurriedly.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Karkat was being dragged bodily by the collar (for the second time that day) out to the the grounds in Terezi's unrelenting fist, with Nepeta, Gamzee, and the entire class of Gryffindor and Slytherin first-years trailing along behind them. Also Vriska. Right.<p>

"And why in the ever-loving eternity of joyfully disemboweling timevomit did _you_ two sign up for this torture?" he asked of the two trolls behind them, his arms crossed stubbornly even as the hem of his cloak was quickly being worn through from being forcefully pulled across the stone floor.

"Oh, I thought flying sounded like it would be lots of fun!" Nepeta exclaimed.

"Flying is mIrAcLeS, bro," said Gamzee, rather predictably.

Karkat scrunched his eyes shut and reminded himself that he was in the company of utter morons bred by the most selective and discerning tentacles of Paradox Space. Only the most idiotic could survive their hatchlinghood. Nobody intelligent, or otherwise remotely edging away from the OBSCENELY STUPID was spared.

_THAT DOESN'T F***ING SAY MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF, SHITHEAD_. _DON'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE THE THOUGHT CAPACITY TO EXCLUDE YOURSELF FROM THE IDIOT POOL WHEN YOU'RE INSULTING THE WORLD AT LARGE?_ snipped a part of his think-pan.

It was probably a leftover of his ignoramus past-self. (The naïve, pathetic drop of thirty-minutes-old piss.)

The only thing that could be said about Past Karkat was that at least he had the good fortune of not being Future Karkat.

Good, grub-popping child-of-God, how awful would that be?

* * *

><p><span>At the Same Frame Of Time, Somewhere Else In Europe:<span>

"Don't even f***ing _start_, you lousy little-"

"Shall we skip the long-winded monologue and pretend that I am now thoroughly insulted by your neatly packaged selection of no doubt painstakingly chosen and disparagingly intended words of vulgarity?" Rose asked in a mocking monotone.

Hold on.

_The_ Rose? As in Rose Lalonde?

Yes. Rose. Obviously.

"Yes, Karkat, I would very much appreciate if you could reign in your anger at this time. Time Is Of The Essence, And Our Friends Are Currently-"

"_Actually_," Aradia interrupted, "We have all the time we need, thanks to me. And our friends are technically well-off in _this_ time, so there's nothing to worry about."

"OH YEAH, AND MY INTERNALLY HEMORRHAGING BONE BULGE IS _ALSO _NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, F***ASS!"

Future/Present Kanaya, Rose, and Aradia face-palmed.

Future/Present Karkat continued to rant his internally hemorrhaging bone bulge off.

* * *

><p><span>Uh, yeah. That made a lot of sense. Let's get back to the more familiar CASTLE PLACE somewhere in Great Britain:<span>

"Now, pay close attention to my directions and nobody should get hurt," snapped the flying instructor haughtily.

"OH, F***, DID YOU HEAR THAT GUYS? Boy, do I feel so much f***ing _safer_ now that we're going to have _directions_ to lead us up to our bloody, painful deaths in a calm and orderly fashion!" Karkat yelled from his seated position on the damp grass, his cloak collar still gripped firmly in Terezi's hand.

"Five points from Gryffindor for your atrocious language, Mr. Vantas, and another five for speaking out while I am trying to _teach_," said Professor Hawk without even glancing at him. "Now..."

"We don't even _have_ any points to begin with," he snorted under his breath.

A pair of first-year Gryffindors glanced at each other, expressions of gleeful realization growing on their faces. The Slytherins, on the other hand, began jeering silently behind the teacher's back, Vriska included. Apparently she did not consider silent taunts and face-pulling to be below her in maturity or dignity.

Professor Hawk continued as though nothing were amiss.

"Now, stand beside your brooms, put your right hand over it, and say _'UP!__'."_

A chorus of 'UP!' and a single 'F*** YOU!' rang across the courtyard, but few broomsticks responded as desired. Of the brooms that moved at all, Gamzee's floated slightly off the ground and then drifted away down the line, bumping into everyone's knees as it went. Gamzee did nothing to retrieve the broom, merely staring after it with a dazzled grin look on his face. Nepeta's, Terezi's, and Vriska's brooms jolted into their hands as though pulled by a sudden burst of hand-to-broom gravity. (The Slytherin first-year standing beside Vriska spontaneously and inexplicably lost his balance and fell to the grass face-first. How _mysterious_.)

Karkat's, of course, soared up and struck him squarely in the face with enough force to knock him off his feet.

There was much fuss over the next quarter-hour as the flying instructor aided and praised each student in the class with the handling of their broomsticks.

"Now, on my whistle, kick off into the air, hover, and then touch back down when I blow the whistle again. One... Two... Three!"

_SCREEEEEEEEEEEE!_

Terezi shot up into the air and pirouetted dramatically, well out of everyone's reach, shrieking excitedly as she went. Not to be outdone, Vriska attempted to take flight, flailed slightly midair, snarled, and revved up her wings to take her to a higher altitude.

Gamzee managed to do a weird sort of flounder-hop into the air, but lost his balance and ended up hanging languidly upside-down from the handle.

Nepeta had bounced delicately into the air, and was hovering dutifully alongside the rest of her successful classmates, her feet and hands balancing her upon the handle of the broom like a cat on a fence.

Karkat, well..

Yeah.

"Mister Vantas. Why are you not following instructions?" the teacher demanded sternly, ignoring the various students who where losing balance and toppling harmless distances through the air and back to the ground. (Not to mention Terezi and Vriska who were darting about overhead as they tried to unseat each other from their broomsticks.)

"_Excuse_ me if I want to keep both feet firmly on the ground where they will suffer the least amount of bodily damage," he said hotly.

The Slytherins started cheering excitedly and waving at Vriska, who had completely ditched her broom as a mode of flight and had started using it as an impromptu bludgeon to try and knock Terezi out of the air. So far, the blind troll was doing and impressive job of dodging each and every jab with cackling glee.

Professor Hawk, miraculously unaware of the battle taking place in the air directly over her head, raised one eyebrow at Karkat, and then blew her whistle. The rest of the students that hadn't yet fallen tumbled to the grass in varying levels of ungracefulness.

"Now, Mister Vantas is going to give us a solo presentation. Everyone watch closely for any mistakes."

"OH FOR THE EVER-LOVING FU-"

"Five points from Gryffindor," she said, before he could finish the next word.

Suffice to say, many more nonexistent Gryffindor points were taken off at the number of expletives that issued from Karkat's mouth in the following set of minutes. He eventually did take his broom into the air when he saw that Terezi was sticking her tongue out at him in a bone-chillingly sinister fashion, and proceeded to careen out of control, making students dive to the ground for cover as he swept around and over them, before flying directly into the wall of the castle as though it were some sort of portal to a sane world where flying broomsticks were merely figments of a psychopath's imagination.

Everyone watched as he slowly slid down the side of the wall and crumbled to the grass.

There were a few tense moment of silence.

And then he twitched, and Terezi started cackling uproariously, and all was well in the world.

* * *

><p><span>Suddenly, In Charms Class:<span>

Tavros glanced up suddenly from his notes. He could have sworn that someone outside had just now screamed an expletive vast enough to penetrate the glass window in the wall to his left. However, no one else in the class seemed to have noticed, being busy with the hands-on part of their instruction, and he soon dismissed it as a conscious sign of subconscious stress resulting from Vriska Serket's arrival to the school.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 13<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note:<strong> Er, yeah. I hope that was at least passable? :X Bleh.

Vriska-Terezi-Kanaya is my Auspitice quadrant OT3, because I firmly believe the former two would end up killing each other without someone capable to mediate.

I will start trying to campaign that Death By Magical Broomstick Shanking (DBMBS) be used for any and all idiots.

No, I kid, I kid. I'm a perfectly happy idiot myself, and I wouldn't want to experience DBMBS. Not fun.

_Reviewsies? :D_


	14. Chapter 14: Sopor Time

**Note**: Sorry this has taken ages. D: Between all the stuff going on and all that other stuff going on, you know how things go. And I'm afraid the quality of this chapter isn't as good as usual. Bleh. Sorry.

AND WHOLY WHOPPIN' SHITE, you reviewers are awesome. All these suggestions and such are pure genius. Many will come in time.

Also: Yes, the four Beta kids will show, I believe. :D I'll have to edit that **Note** in the first chapter. :B

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 14:<p>

* * *

><p>Karkat sat up from the grass and turned to face his classmates, who were all laughing uproariously at him.<p>

The air seemed to shimmer and bend slightly like a dream, and the hysterically screaming laughter was too loud in his auricular sponges. He blinked heavily and shook his head, dazed. One of his horns seemed to have taken a stingingly painful blow from the wall as well, but he couldn't really tell which, on account of his entire head throbbing with the pain that generally came with charging at unnatural speeds into perfectly solid surfaces.

He attempted to make a mental tally of surface injuries he seemed to be suffering, but wasn't sure exactly how many of them were from his collision with the wall, and how many of them were from tumbling headfirst down multiple magical flights of stairs.

"If there's a religion for asscakes who worship some gleefully sadistic figurehead that hands down physical torture for the crime of _existing_, I might as well find a f***king sign-up sheet at this point," he muttered under his breath, wobbling unsteadily to his feet and trying to keep the ground from twirling away into the sky.

"And _that_," proclaimed the Proffessor to the class, "is exactly how _not_ to fly."

Which was of course met with a fresh wave of laughter.

Flying was a single time-unit class, so by the end of it, everyone put their broomsticks away and headed to the castle to begin their next set of lessons. Terezi led the way for the Griffindor trolls, snickering nonstop as Karkat occasionally tripped and bounced against Gamzee's shoulder.

"Wait, hold on," Karkat hissed, as Gamzee finally took the moirallegiance initiative and started steering him to the castle by the upper arm, "I have f***ing Herbology next. Just because I happened to have a free class period there doesn't mean I can go to all of _your_ classes..."

"Aw, bro! That's what I have next! Ain't that a miracle?" Gamzee exclaimed happily.

"Sure, it's a miracle. Then why in the name of EVERYTHING THAT DOESN'T SPIT BLOODY PHLEGM IN THE FACE OF SANITY are you taking us both up to the castle?"

Gamzee looked down and stared very seriously at Karkat for a minute.

"Because, best motherf***ing friend, I gotta do what my miraculous little vascular pump thinks is best, and right now it's dictatin' to my feet that this is the way to go."

"Un f***ing believable," Karkat muttered, his vision swimming slightly.

* * *

><p>Sollux Captor, Equius Zahhak, and Kanaya Maryam were meanwhile sitting in Transfiguration class, attempting to magic-ify the cute, fluffy, kittens in front of them into growing various extra body parts.<p>

"No, Equius," Kanaya said patiently, "You're supposed to give it additional _legs_, not horse hooves."

Equius snorted slightly with irritation. He proceeded to glare the kitten in front of him, which was now galloping about in circles on its newfound hooves, and focused his attention on excreting yet another metric ton of sweat. Kanaya discreetly shifted away from him in her seat.

A tiny white kitten sat in front of Sollux and mewed at him, purring and pawing at the wand he was holding over its head like a guillotine. He stared contemplatively at the small creature for a few minutes, before waving his wand and causing tentacles to sprout from the cat's shoulders. It shrieked loudly, but whether it was with pain or surprise, he could not tell.

"I wouldn't be surprised if we went to hell just for _this_," he said to Kanaya, gesturing at the mutated kitten in front of him. It had started to hiss angrily and swat at its own tentacles. "This has got to be one of the most downright f***king heartless acts I've ever committed in all my _lives_."

The kitten Kanaya was working on, however, had grown a neat pair of eyes in its forehead and was now blinking contentedly at her, its black fur fluffed up in a sickening cloud of cuteness.

Kanaya scratched her mutant kitten behind the ears.

"Surely not. This one is absolutely adorable. Perhaps the teacher will allow me to keep it?"

"If you want a freak cat with extra ocular spheres embedded in its skull, go ahead and be my welcome guest. But I'm leaving Sir Tentacle Molestation right here so that I don't have to think about yet another crime I've committed against nature."

Equius glared with frustration-turned-facination at the cat-turned-miniature-horse prancing about on his desk.

* * *

><p>Tavros glanced up from the messily-written page of notes in front of him and noticed that Feferi (who was sitting beside him), was falling asleep, her eyelids flickering as she attempted to keep them open, her head slowly sinking to her chest before bouncing back up, only to sink back down again. Then, the quill in her hand dropped to to the desk as her fingers went slack, and her head finally came to a rest on her own shoulder, her neck stretched to an angle that would surely leave an uncomfortable pinch in it when she awoke.<p>

Not wanting her to get in trouble for falling asleep in broad daylight (understandable though it was), Tavros gently poked Feferi's side, trying to be as sneaky as possible about the gesture. Luckily, the Professor was in the process of handing out cups half-filled with oil, that the students would soon use to practice the Lighting Charm... Surely nothing would go up in explosive flames that day. It's not as though handing out glasses of highly flammable substances to a class full of incompletely trained wizards could possibly cause anything to go wrong.

Tavros gave Feferi another poke, but she merely mumbled something under her breath and turned her face a little more into her shoulder.

Panicking slightly at the approaching Flitwick and his tray of flammable fluid, Tavros quickly pushed Feferi's head upright with his elbow, grinning brightly. The teacher have him an odd look, placed a pair of cups on his desk, and continued on his way.

He pulled his elbow away and Feferi immediately slumped against him, snoring.

Feeling rather embarrassed and uncomfortable, Tavros sent an imploring look at the Hufflepuff student seated beside him. The look clearly stated, "_Please! Help me! I beg of you!_"

However, the student apparently interpreted the gaze as saying something along the lines of, "_I'm going to chew bites out of your body and soul until you're nothing more than a bloody smear_," and scooted away from Tavros in alarm.

A few minutes later, Feferi finally woke up when Tavros pinched one of her face-fins in a last-ditch attempt to get her to awake and take her lolling head off his shoulder.

* * *

><p>In his hand was a thin strip of white light, which seemed to leave behind a shimmering trail in the darkness when he waved it. His fist clenched the wand tightly, watching the light spill through the cracks between his fingers.<p>

Hell. This was a dream, wasn't it?

"Eridan?"

He turned around and saw Feferi, her eyes blank and white as the wand in his hand. Her face was lit only by the light of said wand, and the two of them were suspended in an infinite, cloudy darkness.

_Fef__?_ he wanted to say, but he opened his mouth and no words arrived.

But she smiled a little bit and reached out one hand toward him, hovering like a ghost.

"I'm sorry, Eridan. I've just wanted to get away from everything, I've been deluding myself. Deluding us all." She shook her head a little, as if to flick away unwanted thoughts, and retracted her hand. Her face and body rotated slowly in space, turning away from him and fading into the darkness.

"Fef, wwait!" He lunged forward and grabbed her by the arm. She didn't so much as twitch in reaction.

"I'm so f***in sorry, Fef, I'm so sorry, I knoww you can't forgivve me, I'm such a f***-up, and there's no wway..."

His voice died in his throat as she turned back to face him. Her eyes were blank, blank as death, and suddenly she vanished, leaving a flood of magenta blood spurting across his skin. He snatched his bloody hand back with a cry, letting go of the wand in his other hand, which spun away into the abyss below him, trailing pure light, but it was soon swallowed by darkness and he was alone.

_TWACK!_

Someone had smacked his skull hard with a heavy History textbook.

Eridan lifted his face from his desk sharply, his skin peeling away from the surface with a painful stinging sensation. And the fins on the left-hand side of his face had gone entirely numb. He touched the fins gingerly, and they tingled oddly. Wwoww f*** that felt wweird.

He looked about, trying to figure out who'd thrown the textbook. The teacher seemed completely oblivious to the sudden textbook-drubbing incident, and none of the students around him seemed to at all aware of their surroundings. Anyone who was still sitting upright was staring at the ceiling with glassy-eyed stares, their mouths wide open and drooling. Suddenly, there was a bought of snickering from the back of the classroom. Whipping around, he glared at the pair of ugly humans and bared his sharp teeth at them, but this only seemed to increase their mirth.

Seriously, literally every single other student in his classroom was blatantly sprawled across their desks and snoring heavily, but the scrawny little wrigglers just _had_ to single him out to use as a textbook-target? They must have a grudge against trolls, just like every other stupid human in this crackpot castle.

The teacher continued to drone on, _still_ resolutely oblivious. Snarling under his breath, Eridan dug his wand out of his pocket and turned bodily around in his seat, holding it out in front of him. The kids were still giggling, the snarky little assholes. He was about to blow them into the next millennium, but then reconsidered.

_Blank eyes. Magenta blood._

_I'm sorry, Eridan._

He held the wand up high. He didn't have to kill them. Just scare them shitless.

A moment later, he swung his wand down, and the desk the two students were sitting at exploded into white flames. Melodious screaming ensued, and Eridan stuffed his wand back into his pocket and fell face-first against the desk in faked sleep as the teacher finally looked up from his lecture notes and drowsily berated the students in the back for not paying due attention to righteous Historical Facts. He smiled into the crook of his arm.

Revvenge wwas f***in' swweet.

Maybe the rest of the students would admire him for giving them the least boring History of Magic lesson they would experience in their entire lives. There was nothing like a little fire to spice things up.

Who was he kidding. Admiration. The day he got _admiration_ would be the day something _infinitely _more substantial than a desk exploded in a ball of fire. Maybe blowing up the planet would get him some attention.

Then again, maybe not.

* * *

><p><span>And Now With Draco Malfoy (Yes He Does Still Do Things) In Seventh-Year Double Potions With Gryffindors:<span>

On the chalkboard at the front of the classroom were written the words:

_Day one Pre-Evaluation: Concoct, to the best of your ability, a potion that will improve nighttime vision._

As Draco started laying out potions ingredients on his table, he could hear a certain group of Gryffindors complaining very loudly about the lack of definitive instructions on the chalkboard. Tuning them out, Draco pulled out a sheet of parchment and a quill, and began to make notes to himself. Eyesight was a tricky thing... could nightshade work in small doses with an antidote? But it wasn't hallucinations they were looking for, it was actual magical modification of the functioning of the eye's light receptors. So dried root of karoton? And maybe if he could use a targeted poison to accelerate the body's chemical processes...

Draco glanced up, and noticed that most of the students were still in varying stages of gaping at the board, complaining, and setting up ingredients. Only Granger appeared to be doing anything of actual worth - she, like him, was scribbling furiously on a clean piece of parchment. That was a good sign. As much as he hated to admit it, everybody with a brain worth two knuts knew that if you were doing what Hermione was doing, you were that much closer to aceing the class.

By the time class was half up, the students who hadn't started already had begun to throw random ingredients into the bottom of their cauldron with the hope that something good would come of it. Many of them were trying to copy Granger (unsuccessfully, as she was notoriously uptight about self-integrity), which still bothered Draco immensely. But at least nobody's cauldron was exploding yet. After seven years of experience, it would seem as though everyone had enough sense to avoid complete meltdowns.

BANG!

Draco cut up a karoton root and rolled his eyes. Apparently he'd been wrong. Big surprise.

He tipped the roots into his cauldron and took another look at his notes. Really, he didn't see what Slughorn was looking for in these potions. They were all bound to be disastrous or worse. The best anyone could hope for was that they assembled the most intelligent array of ingredients and theories possible.

Fifteen minutes until class was over, and the potion in front of Draco had not done anything unexpected except turn a sudden shade of hot pink. He quickly threw in a speck of mint (usually harmless), in the hope that he wouldn't have to turn in something so painfully girly. It immediately turned dark green. Thank God. From the other side of the class, however, a voice yelped with surprise. He glanced up.

Weasley, through some miraculous combination of ingredients, had produced a pot of resolutely gelatinous and luminous green slime. Everything else he tried to add in simply floated on top, refusing to blend in. Even Potter was holding back laughs and bouncing small lumps of ragweed against the top of his friend's potion.

Yeah, that was a bad sign. Sucks to be him.

Feeling much better about his day in general, Draco turned back to his own potion and kept working.

"Alright then everybody!" Slughorn boomed, five minutes before the end of the period, "Bring up a sample of your potion and any notes you wrote about how you made it!" A few students glanced at each other in panic and ripped out clean sheets of parchment. Draco sneered at them. Idiots.

Just then, the door of the dungen slammed open behind them, and everybody turned in their seats to stare at who'd arrived.

Gamzee Makara strode in at a leisurely pace, carrying what appeared to be an unconscious Karkat Vantas on his back, and walked up the rows until he stopped beside Ron Weasley, who'd been just about to vanish the remainder his miserable cauldronful of green goo.

"Excuse me?" Slughorn asked, "What is your business here, young man?"

Makara tore his gaze away from Ron's cauldron to glance up at the Professor. He then hitched up the slowly slipping troll on his back, smiled, and said,

"MoThErF***InG mIrAcLeS, sIr."

And without another word, he picked up Ron's cauldron in one hand and casually walked out the way he'd come.

* * *

><p><span>Simultaneously:<span>

"And how the f*** do you know they'll be here today?" Karkat snapped, crossing his arms, "We've been waiting here for AGES."

"Tomorrow's newspaper!" Aradia said cheerfully, holding up said newspaper.

"OF COURSE. HOW COULD I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF THAT?" he shouted, slapping himself sharply in the forehead.

"Just to be clear," Rose said calmly, "This newspaper is from tomorrow, if we take the reference point of 'today' to be this day, the one in the past we are currently standing in, is that correct?"

"OBVIOUSLY," said Karkat with exasperation, rolling his eyes hard enough to strain muscles all the way down to his toes, "And why are you even asking questions? I thought you were the high f***ing mighty SEER who apparently KNOWS EVERYTHING TO COME?"

Rose leaned against a clean patch of alley wall and raised one eyebrow with the utmost delicacy.

"I was merely phrasing something I knew to be fact in the pretense of a question, for your comfort of course. You were complaining of the way I was speaking my knowledge absolutely, so I believed that using an audible question mark would help ease your discomfort. Apparently I was... _mistaken_. I continue to overestimate your intelligence at an alarming frequency, but that is to be expected."

Karkat glared at her for a few moments.

"I see what you did there, don't pretend like you think I didn't. Stop f***ing trying to make me... no, PRETEND to make me prove my stupidity. Stop it with the psychiatrist baby-time mindgames, it gets REALLY F***ING OLD. How about I say this in a way that you OBVIOUSLY 'SEER' COMING, and you just shove your voice spout up your f***ing smug little pustule of a nook?"

"Karkat, now is not the time for black banter," Kanaya said, glancing over her shoulder at the busy street behind them.

"As much as I don't appreciate your unnecessary auspitizing, I really just dislike Rose. There _is_ such a thing as intense, non-calignious _dislike_."

"And you're living proof of that, aren't you Karkat?" Rose cut in snidely, "Otherwise you'd be flirting up the whole world with that demeanor."

"Damn f***ing straight. Now shut that ugly little mouth so we can-"

"GUYS!" Aradia hissed, "Come on, it's time!"

* * *

><p><span>Later That Day, Gryffindor Common Room:<span>

After having a nice, slave-cooked, wholesome dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione clambered through the portrait-hole and made a beeline for their usual seats by the fireplace.

Already sitting there were Karkat and Nepeta. The former appeared to be sleeping, and the latter was holding a half-filled cauldron in her lap and was pouring spoonfuls of green potion over Karkat's face at odd intervals of time. She glanced up and smiled as they flopped down in the armchairs around her, and dribbled some more slime over his eyes.

The three humans stared at the spectacle for a moment, and then looked at each other questioningly. Ron shrugged.

"Nepeta, is that Ron's cauldron?" Harry asked calmly, pulling out a textbook from his bag and cracking it open.

"Oh, pawssibly. Gamzee just told me to keep the slime on Karkat's face."

"And where did Gamzee go?" Hermione asked, looking slightly worried.

Nepeta shrugged and dipped the spoon back into the slime.

"I thought you trolls had issues with buckets? Why aren't you afraid of the cauldron?" Ron asked, watching Nepeta ladle the potion and dump it on Karkat's face again. Harry shot him an alarmed look.

She shrugged. "Equius wouldn't tell me about what pails are for," she said, eyes wide and innocent.

"Figures," snorted Ron.

And then the group settled down to do some studying. After a few hours of glorious productivity, Karkat woke up suddenly and jerked upright in his seat, spitting green slime over everybody's homework. Hermione heaved a sigh and cleaned it off with a spell.

Karkat wiped his face off roughly with the sleeve of his robe and glanced around at Nepeta, his gaze falling to the almost-exhausted cauldron of slime in her lap. She smiled brightly at him.

"Nepeta. Were you just taking Sopor Slime out of a PAIL and pouring it on my FACE?" he demanded, voice wavering between deadly quiet and hysterically loud.

("Here we go," Ron whispered to Harry from the corner of his mouth, "Five silver sickles that he busts someone's eardrum."

"In the next thirty seconds? You're on," Harry whispered back.)

"Gamzee said I should. I think he drank half of it first, though."

For about twenty seconds, a vein pulsed hard in Karkat's temple as he fought down a scream. He then let out an extended wheeze and shook his head hard.

"F***ing typical. Where did he even get Sopor?" he growled, managing to keep his voice down.

(With great reluctance, Ron dug five sickles from his pocket and handed it over to Harry. Hermione looked on with great disapproval. "Next thirty seconds?" Ron asked. Harry nodded, grinning like a person who thinks he's got a sucker on the line.)

"I brewed it by accident in Potions class," said Ron.

"Can I have the recipe?" Karkat asked calmly, taking the cauldron from Nepeta and examining its contents.

Ron glanced at Harry, and then glanced back to Karkat.

"Er...? What? Huh? I don't..."

"DO YOU NEED ME TO F***ING SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, WORD BY F***ING WORD? IS YOUR THINK PAN COMPOSED OF CRYSTALLIZED ESSENCE OF _DUMBASS_ ON A PLATTER OF _SHIT_?"

("That's cheating," Harry whispered, and unhappily flicked the sickles back over to Ron, who pocketed them with joy.)

"I mean, yeah, sure, you can have the recipe. Why though?"

"It suppresses nightmares and horrorterrors if you sleep in it," Karkat said.

"..._Sleep_ in it?"

He gave Ron the most withering glare ever glared by any mortal, and Ron made an intelligent choice: he shut up.

Hermione, however, made the opposite choice. For a long time now, she'd kept quiet, as though mulling over how to enter the conversation, and now she seemed to have decided to simply interject.

"Karkat, what happened before breakfast today, between you and McGonagall and Filch? Why was there blood on your sickles?"

He squinted at her slightly, as though trying to figure out what she was saying. A moment later, his expression cleared.

"That's right, I forgot to clean them." He pulled the sickles out from thin air and examined the still-wet blades. Hermione breathed in sharply.

He calmly wiped the blades off on the arms of the armchair. "Anyway, I was walking around last night and got cornered in a room by this crazy old human and his mangy little cat. It was weird. I'd been lost, and the room appearified out of f***ing _nowhere_ on the wall, and inside was this map of the castle." He let go of the sickles and they vanished before they fell to the floor. A moment later, Karkat pulled a card down from above his head and violently shook a neatly folded sheet of parchment out of it, which fluttered to the floor. Replacing the card into thin air, he picked up the parchment and held it up for everyone to see. Delicate lines of ink spiderwebbed across its surface, depicting a detailed map of the castle's floor plan.

"Wait," Harry inturrupted, "This room, was it on the seventh floor? Across the hall from a tapestry of dancing trolls?"

"Yes?"

Harry let out a disbelieving laugh and held up one hand to high-five the troll. Karkat looked at the palm quizzically, and then glanced over at the other humans as though asking for instructions. Still snorting, Harry dropped his palm and shook his head, clearly impressed. Ron's eyes suddenly widened, and he glanced over at Hermione.

"Hermione, he's talking about the Room of Requirement!"

"I know," she snapped, clearly not distracted from her question, "But-"

"That has _got_ to be some kind of record," Harry laughed, "You stumbled across the Room of Requirement on your first night after classes. Holy _F***_!"

"Harry. Language!" Hermione snapped. He waved his hand at her in a _shooshing_ motion.

"That's one of the magical jackpots of this school, Karkat. The Room of Requirement will give you just about anything you ask it to, if you just walk in front of it three times thinking of what it is you want. And you found it on your _first-_" He burst into another round of disbelieving snickers.

"Yes, Harry, that's all very interesting, but _please_ be quiet and let him finish," Hermione snapped.

Karkat shrugged. "There's not very much to tell. The old human waited for me to come out all night, and by morning, I'd had enough of the boredom chamber and made a break for it. Of course, he caught me after I f***ing _fell_ down half a billion flights of stairs..."

He pulled a disgusted expression and gingerly touched a greyish bruise on his cheekbone.

"This is just classic," Ron said in awe, "Fred and George would've been _jealous as hell_."

"I tried to escape from his dumbf*** ugly bulgeass face, like any sane person would, but he f***ing trips me with a broomstick so I pull my sickles on him. I nearly did get away, too. But then McGonagall snuck up behind me like some wrinkled old ninja from hell, and you know..." he waved his hand a bit in the air "Punishment, ect, you know the rest..." He paused for a moment. "Well, f***."

"What?" Ron asked, stifling snorts of mirth.

"I've got detention with Filch for a month. What does that mean?"

Ron fought down another laugh. "It means you're neck-deep in what we here on Planet Earth like to call, 'shit.'"

"You need to see Filch in his office right away! Use your map," Hermione instructed, "And go!"

Groaning irritably, Karkat got to his feet and left the common room.

* * *

><p>Terezi opened the common room portrait-hole and immediately came eye-to-nose with Karkat.<p>

"H3LLO NUB3TT3! Smelling delicious as always."

"Terezi. I'm ordering you to cut out those f***ing useless, irritating, _pan-crushing_ nicknames. And yes, you heard me, that's an _order_."

She grinned at him widely in a way that communicated her all-consuming interest in disobeying his orders. Seeing this, Karkat sighed and nudged her to the side of the portrait-hole.

"Okay, nevermind," he snarled, "Just let me through."

He pushed passed her and started down the hallway.

Terezi traipsed happily into the common room and inhaled deeply. She LOV3D this room. It was just so _delectably_ red. And where the candy walls and soft squishy seating arrangements were obscured by human bodies, those human bodies were covered neck to toe in mouth-watering black licorice. Man, _this_ was the life. It was a f***ing candy store up in here.

She suddenly heard her name called from across the room, and immediately made her way over to the fireplace.

"Hehehe, hello there everybody!" she greeted, leaning on her cane and giving a nod each to Nepeta, Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

"Terezi," Hermione started seriously, "I would have preferred to have this discussion with as many trolls as possible present, but seeing as Karkat is unavailable and Gamzee is unlikely to show up anytime soon, we should probably start anyway... Besides, it's probably better to have this discussion first outside of Gamzee's presence."

"Huh?" asked Harry and Ron, clearly not in on Hermione's plans.

She ignored them. "Yesterday I received a book from Luna Lovegood; it was a thick black book with a variety of what appeared to be colored _paint_ spattered across it. Upon further inspection, however, the paint proved to be _blood_."

She paused, probably for dramatic effect, and ran one hand through excited mane of chocolate hair. Nepeta shifted uncomfortably in her seat and let out an almost inaudible _mew_. The humans didn't seem to notice, but Terezi's fine olfactory senses could scent guilt from light years away, and her cute little kitten friend _reeked_ of it. Terezi grinned. This was bound to get interesting sooner or later.

"Every color on the hemospectrum you described was represented, and Karkat's mutant color as well. However, there was no indigo blood on this book. Inside was about a hundred pages covered in the word HONK, and then the rest were filled with computer-generated photograph frames and pages of text, apparently documenting the lives of you trolls, as well as a group of humans."

Hermione allowed another dramatic pause.

"However, last night the book vanished from my beside table, and I have not been able to find it. I attempted a Summoning spell, but it did not seem to work. So, I have two questions for you, Terezi and Nepeta." She held up two fingers. "One: what do you know of this book, and two: do you know where it is?"

Terezi sniffed. Nepeta had sunken deep into the squishy cherry cushions of her armchair, and was silently stewing with discomfort, guilt, and worry.

Grinning, Terezi took the initiative to explain, "Hehe, you have nothing to worry about, Hermione. That book was probably from a Doomed timeline or something. We haven't all been ravaged by a batshit Makara, I assure you."

"Doomed timeline?" Hermione asked, confused.

"It was an aspect of the game we all played. Doomed timelines existed to support the main one in various ways, and to allow for any number of disastrous things to occur without permanently affecting the Alpha timeline. Hehe, pretty convenient if you ask me! If in one of them, our dear, sweet Gamzee happened to go randomly insane and kill everybody in sight, it probably just means that _I_ did the same thing in another! Actually, the existence of this book is comforting."

"_Comforting_?" the humans exclaimed. Both Harry and Hermione were starting to look a little worried, but Ron, surprisingly, seemed to be taking things in stride.

"Yep. HONK is a section of the genetic code of our planet's first guardian. I myself contributed HEAD, Vriska contributed BREAK, Aradia TOCK, and Tavros TICK. We only found out about this very late in the game, from Aradia in the Dream Bubbles in the Outer Rim, but basically it's just another paradox to ensure the closure of a smooth, uninterrupted time loop that could not exist otherwise. You don't have to worry about it, seriously."

Terezi noticed that Nepeta had relaxed a bit. Interesting. She knew something about this book, and was relieved to see the humans being placated.

"But..." Hermione's voice dropped a little, "What about all the pictures inside? There was so much bloodshed between you trolls." She pulled out a picture from her bag, and showed Terezi the image of Kanaya sawing Eridan in half.

Terezi took the picture and dragged her tongue across it, tasting the burst of grapes and smooth, green basil. Almost immediately she started to laugh.

"H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 HOLY F***, K4N4Y4? Man, this is hilarious! I'm so sorry to have missed seeing that! Look at all that grape purée! Hehehehehe!"

Hermione and Harry were now looking quite alarmed.

Giggling, Terezi handed back the image. "Hermione, don't waste your time worrying about it. I understand that you humans don't have the same upbringing that we do. A few wrigglers flinging chainsaws at each other is nothing. If you're worried that we're going to kill you..."

She paused, and then snorted again with laughter.

"Hehe. Seriously, just because a couple of us are liable to be a little trigger-happy doesn't mean we're out to get you in your sleep. If you're scared, just don't engage in any kissmessitudes or initiate any violence and you're good to go."

"But..."

"You probably don't have anything to worry about," she said firmly, and got to her feet. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some interrogation to do. Don't come into the dormitories if you hear tortured screaming or anything."

She grabbed Nepeta by the hand and started to drag the girl upstairs. She then stopped, turned around, and took a good whiff at the terrified looks on the humans' faces.

"Jegus, that was a f***ing _joke_. Grow up and get a sense of humor. Come on, Nepeta."

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 14<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: It was strange. About halfway through the words started to peter out. NOOOOOOOO. But we're good now.

I think I might have gone overboard with Rose. Oh whelp. Sorry if it's confusing.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to update again very soon, sorry. D: Lots of stuff irl, you know the drill.

But yes. Thank you to everybody in general. :D You have no idea how joyous I am to have so many of you reading. This story has hit OVER 9,000! hits, and it's soon to cross the 10,000 threshold. Holy almighty shit. I don't even know anymore. It's mindblowing. So thanks to all of you. :'D

_Review? :D_

Also, thank you **anon** for pointing out the felonious OOC of dear Professor Bins. It has been rectified. May such a sin never be committed again.


	15. Chapter 15: Newspapers

**Note**: Hey look it didn't take forever for me to update! :D

Maybe the trick to having timely updates is for me to say I won't have a timely update. We'll have to test this theory.

But anyway, we cleared the 100 review threshold guys! \OuO/ To celebrate this occasion, I'll give the 100th reviewer, **z-nadka-zak**, the choice to request a oneshot from me. Any pairing, any quadrant, just nothing above a T-level maturity. Or just some characters with some writing prompt, if you prefer. It might take me a while to write it, but yeah. There you go! Just message me the request. :3 I didn't want to announce in the previous chapter that I was planning this, because you all might've thought it was an overly review-fishing kind of thing to do, and surprises are better anyway. Surprise!

Don't ask if I'll do it again. Such things depend entirely upon my current levels of laziness/lack thereof lol.

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 15:<p>

* * *

><p>Terezi followed her nose up the treacherous stairs of the Griffindor dormitories, and deftly kicked the door open once the two of them arrived at the top. Lavender Brown, who had been trying out her hair in different styles, jerked around in surprise, eyes wide.<p>

"G3T TH3 F*** OUT, SW33T13-BLOOD!" Terezi yelled at Lavender, grinning wide and swinging her cane at the door.

Lavender didn't need telling twice, and all but sprinted out of the girls' dormitories.

Terezi nudged Nepeta ahead of her and closed the door with a snap.

"Sit," she said quietly, pointing at a soft cherry-red bed. Nepeta obliged, somewhat nervously, curling her knees up to her chest and looking up at Terezi with the widest, most innocent eyes she could muster.

But Terezi could smell the sharp tinge of fearful anticipation. She planted her cane between her feet and leaned on it heavily, surveying Nepeta with what she knew was an extremely menacing, blank-eyed gaze of suspicion. It was something she practiced every day with her scalemates, back on her tree-hive on Alternia, and now it was getting the chance to show itself to an actual living audience.

After a few more moments of intimidation, Terezi decided to move onto the disturbingly kind approach.

"Now, _Nepeta_," she said slowly, the corners of her mouth lifting ever so slightly, "Would you like to tell me about that book?"

A pause.

Nepeta hid her face further behind her knees and squirmed uncomfortably.

Bingo.

"Come on, Nepeta, I'm waiting. I need to know about anything that could jeopardize our lives here, and bring it to justice. I already _know_ you know something. What is there to hide from me? I'll find out eventually, and it'll be easier if you just tell me about it right now, before I have to resort to more... direct measures."

And then Nepeta surprised her by sitting up and glaring defiantly, grey irises blazing like ash on flame.

"Believe it or not Purrope, there _are_ some things you're better off not knowing about! It's fur your own good! Haven't you purrd that ignorance is bliss?"

Terezi felt herself losing some of her cool. There she was, the suspect, admitting her guilt and _defending_ herself, blatantly disrespecting the court! Terezi picked up her cane and swung it in an threatening arc over Nepeta's head, and then brought it to a stop just in front of her face. But Nepeta didn't so much as flinch. On the contrary, she roughly shoved the dragon-headed top of the cane out of her face and continued to stare defiantly at Terezi.

"Terezi, you're my... furiend," she ground out the word from between her fangs, sounding half-sincere, half-pained, "I don't want you to get hurt. I do _care_ about everyone. Trust me! I have the book, it's safe, but I'm not going to give it up. I'll handle it. It's better if you didn't see."

Slowly, Terezi lowered her cane, smelling the solid confidence barring the air between them. She examined Nepeta's face, so different from its usual playful laugh. Where had this strong girl come from?

"Alright, Nepeta. I trust you," Terezi said flatly.

Nepeta smiled widely, and the spell was broken.

* * *

><p>Harry watched Terezi and Nepeta disappear up the steps of the girls' dormitory, feeling unsure about whether he should be laughing or afraid. Terezi had always had that effect on him, with her jawful of shark teeth and her nonstop evil cackling, but this time she was actually saying things that were quite disturbing. She'd at once verified the bloodthirsty tendencies of her race, while at the same time playing it down as though it were nothing to concern themselves with. <em>'Just don't engage in any kissmessitudes...'<em> was her advice. Really? He'd been internally hoping that she would just deny that the book was covered in blood, and that the pictures inside were real, but she'd done neither. She'd practically _confirmed_ both, and was disturbingly blasé about the whole thing.

Ron didn't seem as concerned about any of the recent developments, however, and just gave Terezi's 'joke' a snigger of approval before turning back to his in-progress Potions homework. Hermione, though, looked just as worried as Harry felt.

Harry shook his head. His heart was pounding a little with a familiar sense of excitement and urgency, but there was no path in front of him to take, as far as he could see. Hermione had gone ahead and confronted Karkat (which had felt more like a joke-story than anything), then Terezi, who had, through her flippant laughter, somehow made everything seem a lot worse. Now that he thought about it, wasn't it a _terrible_ sign that _Karkat_, who he'd always pegged as all bark and no bite, had actually attacked someone and drew blood?

...Even if it _was_ Filch.

"Guys, we've really got to do something before something terrible happens!" Hermione hissed.

Harry had to agree wholeheartedly. He just didn't know _what_ they had to do.

Ron, though, raised one eyebrow at Hermione incredulously, and then turned his gaze on Harry as though expecting to share an exasperated moment. But when he saw that Harry was nodding seriously, he shook his head and snorted with disbelief.

"Didn't you hear her? She said it was no big deal, it was part of the weird game thing. Come on, Harry, we've spent a whole summer with a couple of these trolls and nothing bad happened between us. Just because Luna dumps a bloody _book_ on us doesn't mean we have to freak out about mass rampages all of a sudden."

"But did you know that trolls could be like that?" Harry demanded, "Could turn on each other and _murder_, and think it's _normal_? Pointy teeth and hate-romance is one thing, but if you really think about all the stuff that's been happening... Terezi lighting Fiendfyre on herself to antagonize Serket, the two of them fighting it out in the Great Hall, Gamzee supposedly having the capacity to kill all his friends to write a nutty book, and don't you remember when Gamzee went all crazy in the dormitories and was choking Karkat half to death? And don't forget Kanaya sucking Karkat's blood!"

"Well, she _is_ a vampire. And he let her do it. Right Hermione?"

"Well, yes..."

Harry frowned for a moment, and then pressed on, "Oh yeah? Well, what about Karkat? He _cut_ Filch with those sickles. Actually _cut_ him. You saw the blood."

They all impulsively glanced at the brownish, drying smears on the armchair that Karkat had sat in.

"I still think you're blowing it out of proportion," Ron said, although he sounded a bit uncertain now, "Who _hasn't_ thought of knocking Filch's lights out?"

"It's still not something you _do_!" Hermione said hotly.

"Well, what is it you want to do then?" Ron exclaimed, "Find a way to expel the lot of them from Hogwarts?"

The three of them were silent for a moment.

"No, not yet. We still don't really know what's going on. We should find a way to figure out exactly what happened to the lot of them in their sGrub. It keeps coming back to that," Harry paused, and then added, "But if they keep going on like this, they might get expelled anyway."

* * *

><p><span>Back In That Point Of Existence Where TimeSpace/Reality Is of Questionable Substance:

A Doomed Aradia and a De-Shaded Terezi stared at the place in front of them where Aradia and Kanaya had been.

"So that raspberry-robe Aradia just went to get a book?"

"Yes," said Aradia mechanically, eyes flashing with red light.

"What for?"

"Understanding."

There was a long pause as they stared at each other and at the lovely hues of Terezi's forest.

"This _is_ a dream bubble, right?" Terezi said finally, as the air around them started to shimmer and waver again.

"That is indeed the word we have chosen to describe our current scenery."

Terezi thought about this for a moment, her black lips pulling down into a frown as she tapped her glasses against her chin.

"Aradia, describe my eyes for me," Terezi commanded, although she already knew the answer.

"White."

Terezi gasped inward, sucking in nonexistent air and reconfirmed realization.

Suddenly, the dream bubble around them started to collapse, shimmering and whirling in harsh colors around them. White filaments of light sparked out of Terezi's eyes, taking on a fiery, electric green color at the tips.

"G00dbye, c0mrade," said the doomed Aradia hollowly, and was dropped into blackness.

* * *

><p>Nepeta stayed up again that night, lying on her belly as she turned the pages in the book as silently as possible, starting at the beginning and reading the text. The beginning pictures were all very boring to her. There were hardly any cats, or creatures of any kind, and the humans speaking with each other constantly jibed each other with a mean sense of humor that she didn't really grasp. But diving into the latter half of the book had been too confusing, not to mention frightening.<p>

There had been so much blood. And even if this was the story of an alternate timeline, like Terezi had said, it made Nepeta uneasy.

She'd never been one to really understand all the paradoxes or time shenanigans - her friends were the ones who bothered with that. All she knew was how to keep people smiling, even when things seemed hopeless.

Nepeta had perhaps been the only one to continue treating sGrub as a game, all the way to the end. Sure, it wasn't always fun, and the emotional turmoil of being cooped up with eleven other trolls for an extended time period was occasionally quite trying, but that didn't mean everyone had to freak out near the end of it all and, well...

She prefurred not remembering.

* * *

><p>"Harry, come <em>on<em>, I'm starving! Let's go get breakfast already before Terezi and Vriska show up in the Great Hall and start flirting. Honestly, I'll leave you here to starve if you don't get a bloody move on, just wait."

Harry groaned and rolled over, picking up his glasses from the bedside table.

When the pair of them got down to the common room, Ron suddenly stopped Harry, catching his friend by the neck of his cloak and nearly choking him.

"Hold on, there's a Quidditch notice!" he said excitedly, peering up at the notice board, "Yeah, thought so. You're captain again, big surprise."

Harry yawned. "Mm-hmm."

"C'mon, let's get going then," Ron said briskly, heading out the portrait-hole.

Hermione was already at the Griffindor table, as were Gamzee, Terezi, and a rather sleepy Nepeta. The latter two were muttering quietly amongst themselves, while the former was gazing into his goblet of pumpkin juice as though it were some kind of mythical object of wondrous magical properties. Which it could've been, of course, but since Gamzee gazed that way at most common items, it wasn't worth giving his actions much thought.

"So when are tryouts?" Ron demanded, reaching for the pastry basket.

"I dunno," Harry shrugged, stifling another yawn and stretching out his next word, "Fraaaaai-day afternoon?"

"Wow, why are you so sleepy today mate?"

Harry miraculously managed to not say the words, "After you fell asleep in the middle of homework I snuck up to the half-crumbled Astronomy tower with your younger sister and then we snogged for four hours straight because we really missed each other after having done no snogging for _days._" Which was really quite polite of him.

Instead he settled for the classic: "Er, I dunno, homework?"

"You didn't have any more than I did," said Ron skeptically.

"Anyway," said Harry in a deft display of subject-changing skills, "Like I said, tryouts on Friday, if you want to have a go."

"Obviously."

Terezi swallowed an entire pumpkin muffin and broke off her subdued conversation with Nepeta. "Hehe, can I try out too?"

"Er..." Harry glanced at Hermione, who stared calmly back at him with a very _that's-a-terrible-idea-don't-do-it-you-imbecile_ look on her face. He quickly glanced away from her. "Sure, I mean, why not? You're in Gryffindor and... everything," he muttered somewhat uncomfortably.

"Y3S!" Terezi shouted, pumping both fists in the air.

"What position do you want to try?" asked Ron.

"B34T3R for the win. It sounded like the most fun, hehehe! Of course, you wouldn't let me try it this summer." She frowned heavily.

Ron rolled his eyes. "That's because we don't own any bludgers, Terezi. I told you this."

"You could've still given me a _BLUDG3ON!_" she accused haughtily.

"No," said Harry, Ron, and Hermione the same time.

Just then, hundreds of owls started streaming into the Great Hall, dropping letters, packages, and the occasional scrap of half-digested rodent onto the students below them. Nepeta stared up excitedly at the birds, the corners of her mouth pulling up into a wide grin. All of a sudden she shot up into the air out of her seat, but was quickly stopped from killing something cute and feathery when Terezi deftly caught her by the foot and pulled her back down.

"How many times do the humans have to tell you that these hootbeasts are off limits?"

Nepeta purred sheepishly but continued to gaze hungrily at the owls flying back and forth over her head at an easy nabbing height.

Meanwhile, a roll of newspaper had dropped directly into Hermione's lap. She immediately picked it up and began to flatten it out in front of her, her eyes scanning the headlines, then the stories themselves. Her brow furrowed and she stopped eating her breakfast.

"Anything interesting?" Harry inquired.

"They finally caught Walden Macnair," she said, her eyes scanning swiftly down the columns.

"That scumbag Death Eater who was going to kill Buckbeak?"

"Yes. He got away from the Battle of Hogwarts apparently, and they didn't manage to find him until yesterday, he'd left the country and hidden in some shady wizarding community in the French Alps."

"Justice is SW33T," Terezi said triumphantly, although she did not really know what the discussion was about.

"They're always catching Death Eaters, though. Captures don't always make front page news anymore. But this case was pretty strange," Hermione said slowly, "a mysterious group of people apparently jumped the Ministry agents partway through their arrest and incapacitated them by knocking them unconscious. When they came to, Macnair was beaten bloody and tied up to the nearest lamp-post. The Ministry is currently investigating the situation alongside the Law Enforcement of France, but no concrete evidence has been gathered." Hermione stopped there, glancing up at the people around her with a deep frown on her face.

There was a slight pause as everyone tried to wrap their minds around the news.

"I believe I speak for everyone when I say I have the weirdest premonition that this has to do with us personally," Terezi said finally, "Even though that doesn't make a drop of f***ing common sense."

"You're catching on," Ron snorted, "We can never seem to get a peaceful year at Hogwarts."

* * *

><p><span>Ravenclaw Table:<span>

Luna serenely opened up her copy of The Quibbler which had dropped onto her head mere moments ago. She slowly flipped through the pages, examining each one thoroughly for several moments, until she got to the very end of the magazine. She then turned back to an article in the middle and started to read.

"Sollux, do you know if any of your friends were in the Alps recently?"

"The f***? No. Why do you ask?"

"Mmmmmmmm," hummed Luna, her eyes slowly traversing down the page of text in front of her, "Something happened there with a group of Skaian Trolls yesterday. The writer seems to think they were after Macnair's dark-magically tainted liver, but I suspect that is merely some sensationalism in the writing."

Sollux gave her a very long, very incredulous look from across the table. However, it was wasted on Luna, who did not notice it in the slightest, absorbed as she was in her magazine. After perusing the article until the end, she picked up a raspberry scone and flipped to a new page.

"Any luck on latching onto the Muggle interwebs?" she asked casually.

"For the last tiiime, iit'2 Internet!" he snapped irritably, "And no. I did manage to set up a silicomb processor in our dorm but all the magic in here is f***ing with the bees. They keep going in weird loopy circles no matter how much shit I flip at them."

"Shame," Luna said in a tone of voice that was probably sincere but sounded extremely sarcastic. She finished up the scone, closed up her magazine, and tucked it into her bookbag. "Well, I'll see you later."

Sollux stared bemusedly at her as she left the Hall, and then stood up to visit Feferi at the Hufflepuff table. He would really prefer to start off his day with some sane conversation. Assuming that sane conversation was a thing people still had these days.

* * *

><p>I will make another attempt at this mode of communication, despite the challenge it poses for me. It can be quite frustrating to try communicating my knowledge via written language, as it really is an inadequate carrier of fully complete thoughts, but seeing as it is the only feasible way to communicate with entities such as yourself.<p>

As I mentioned last time I used such things as "words" to communicate, I wrote a long letter to a far-flung realm in an alternate reality simply because of the fact that I was capable of doing so. But in retrospect, I realize that perhaps this was not the whole truth. Of course, the "whole truth" is entirely a concept of relativity when two vastly differing beings attempt to communicate with each other. In our case, I would simply be unable to impart the "whole truth" of my knowledge to the rather limited facilities of your mind.

A word of comfort: I do not mean to be insulting when I say such things. I am doing my best to be honest and frank. But of course, from your point of view, the "whole truth" in terms of the topic we were speaking of (that is, the extent of my meddling and the extent of my servitude to higher... well, not _powers_, but higher levels of understanding) would be considerably more than what I have given you. In my sincere attempt to be coherent to you, I unintentionally was remiss to give you what you would consider the full picture. I may possess a quantity of knowledge you call "all" but I am not immune to oversights in the knowledge you are capable of possessing.

So here we are aga`fJHJHJ!gl'b~!3

Ahem. Here am I again, to disclose additional information to your understanding. Let us try again to discuss this topic through the answering of a simple question. For even simple questions have many potential layers of answers.

Why would I write a long letter to a far-flung realm in an alternate reality?

First answer: Because I can.

Second answer: because WOOF!JADEH!333JH!WAG!JH#%HAR!L*OEY!3

Upon further reflection, I am able to realize that this answer lacks a background, and thus, any weight. So we are forced to venture forth into the confusing stew of words and understanding. Please have faith that I will arrive at the heart of the matter once I get through these tiresome extrapolations.

The particular mode of reality we exist in is something we have already covered, but I am aware that your species prefers recaps. So here are a few trigger words for your memory: infinite variations, simultaneous timeline occurrences, choice and stringing of events and locations. Now, in this type of reality, it is possible for infinite variations to exist at once and at every point in time. Such things are trivial, however, as all these infinite variations serve and connect to the "main" one - the one in which there is the most overall success and the least overall pain, the one in which you would _choose_ to exist within. Needless to say, there are therefore as many "main" timelines as there are individuals.

It is not reality that has its effect on the individual, but the individual that has its effect on reality.

Which I assume sounds rather "boring" to entities such as yourself. I beg your pardon, and that you continue to bear with me.

I wrote the letter because I chose to. I wrote it because WOOF!JADEH!333JH!WAG!JH#%HAR!L*OEY!3. Ahem. Because I am infinitely and forever in love and loyal to my charge. I wrote the letter because in this particular reality the effects of such an action are what we personally desire. Her desire and mine, and those of her friends.

I sincerely hope that this clarifying statement brings you all the understanding you need and desire.

* * *

><p>"This is the f***ing worst party turnup I've ever seen," Dave said blandly, gazing around at the empty space around him, "You'd think with a sweet DJ and a pretty chick in a fancy outfit you'd get more visitors, but I guess <em>times<em> have changed."

Rose raised her eyebrows, but the expression was completely stifled by the voluminous hood that drooped over her eyes.

"I should hope that was not an ill-concieved pun born from boredom and a plea for attention," she said flatly, "You know I am not so easily amused, and like you said, there is no one currently present who possesses a more tasteless sense of humor to appreciate your company."

"That was cold, Rose. Not cool at all."

She let out a long, weary sigh.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 15<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Alright, I know this is considerably shorter than usual, but I wanted to keep it cohesive as I could. Sorry if it doesn't completely satisfy you. This is a more serious chapter, as you can tell, and it'll feed back into shenanigans in the next chapter, but I didn't want to make things too flippant.

a.k.a: I didn't know how/where to work in the jokes and keep the flow going in this thing. So yeah.

Hopefully some things are starting to tie together a bit? (:O

Anyway, thank you to everyone for all your support and reading of this story. It's really you guys who keep me going. :) It makes me happy to make others happy with this silly little excursion of mine into "creative writing." I still have a hard time believing that so many of you guys really enjoy this, but okay. xD

Peace out and unicorns!

_Revue? :P_


	16. Chapter 16: Plants are D3L1C1OUS

**Note**: HAHAHA guys did you think I was gonna abandon this little fart? WELL TOO BAD, SO SAD. (tumut) We're in it for the long haul.

If you're wondering why I haven't updated in the past few weeks: It's not you, it's me. (u_u) Seriously, you guys are all biznasty cooldude(tte)s and I always want to keep updating for you, but I just really needed a break. Because each chapter literally takes me _hours_ of toil, which usually translates into a solid week of working on it nearly every day. So I took a vacation. Of two weeks. And then got sidetracked on other writing projects. And then came back started working on some more "intermission" shenanigans that will happen down the line, rather than the actual ch 16... yeah. Sorry.

(Real Life might have had a say in it too but SHHHHHHHH.)

In case any of you have forgotten, the Universal Clock Time Setting For The Story says we're in Day Three: Wednesday of Hogwarts beginning-of-school-shenanigans.

Sure feels like longer. xP

_I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement._

* * *

><p>Chapter 16:<p>

* * *

><p><span>Herbology<span>:

The Golden Trio were in Greenhouse Three, partaking in a very hands-on activity involving the harvesting the vines of immature Venomous Tentacula plants. Despite its overtly aggressive nature when fully grown, the younger incarnation of stubborn flora had a defensive habit of burrowing itself into the dirt when threatened, which required a great deal of digging around in small pots while wearing thick dragon-hide gloves to avoid getting bitten. It was all a very delicate and frustrating process which led most people to explosive expletives within minutes.

Ron worked standing between his two friends, teamed up with Harry, while Hermione focused on her own Tentacula.

"Alright," Hermione hissed, two fingers digging around in the fragile, dirt-packed teacup in front of her, "This is what we are going to do about the trolls."

Ron shook his head doubtfully as he managed to tug a writhing, hissing plant out of the pot of earth in front of him. "Hermione, let me cut you off right there. I know that tone of voice. There's no way this'll end well."

"Not end well!" she snapped, her voice a high-pitched whisper, "And who was the one to let _Pyrope_ of all people try for Beater?"

Ron shrugged and waved his Venomous Tentacula seedling vaguely at Harry, who hastily ducked out of the way. Luckily, he was quick enough to avoid the snarling fangs on the ends of the young plant's spindly vines.

"So we're on last-name terms with her now?" Harry asked, after carefully pushing Ron's arm out of the way.

Hermione looked somewhat flustered, her hair standing slightly more statically on end than usual, but her expression was determined.

"That isn't the point. We _have_ to understand what they are doing here and why! And now that we've lost the book..."

"So what?" Ron snorted, pushing his pot aside and laying out the wriggling plant on the bench in front of them, "We're going to brew a bucket of Veritaserum in Myrtle's lavatory? I've had more than my fair share of moping about in a haunted girl's room, thank you very much."

There was a long, silent pause as Hermione pulled her hands away from the teacup and said nothing.

Harry, who'd been just about to cut away the vines on Ron's Tentacula, glanced up at Hermione's wordless face.

"You're joking," he said flatly, "Tell me you're joking."

"No, I don't think Veritaserum is the answer. Suppose they aren't even affected by it? It would be a huge waste of time."

At that, the two boys heaved sighs of relief, and Harry looked down at the bench again to see that the Tentacula was trying to gnaw through Ron's gloves. He quickly sliced away its vines and scooped them into a jar.

"But," Hermione continued, "Remember that assignment we had in Potions class?"

Ron nodded and dropped the sobbing Tentacula back into its pot, where it immediately buried itself. "Vaguely."

Harry shook his head, screwing closed the lid on the vine jar. The vines inside twitched slightly. "Yeah. Probably bombed it."

"I went in to speak with Professor Slughorn after classes," Hermione's tone turned slightly bitter, "My marks weren't perfect."

Ron put up both gloved hands in the air and shook waved them about emphatically, "Ohhhhhhhh, they weren't _perfect_. What an awful _shame_."

Harry snickered.

Hermione, however, did not seem to find the remark amusing, and kicked him hard enough in the shin to elicit a yelp.

"Anyway, turns out the Hazeblight I put in has a reactionary effect when you mix it with the Karoton root that puts the drinker to sleep," she frowned, "He took off some points for that."

"Again, big f***ing whoop," Ron snorted.

"I'll jinx your lips closed Ron, just watch... The point is, Slughorn said my concoction was a promising start to a kind of Sleep Sight potion. He said if I could perfect one, he'd give me extra credit to get my points back."

At this, Harry raised their jar of Tentacula vines reverently in the air and murmured lovingly, "My points... I will do anything for you..." Ron laughed loudly, but Professor Sprout did not notice.

Hermione sighed irritably, "Neither of you have read the chapter on Sleep Sight potions, have you? It was only chapter 16, you should've covered that over the summer."

"You do know that you're the only student in the entire school who does more than the bare minimum of summer reading?" Harry lowered the jar and resisted rolling his eyes.

She ignored him, and took on the smooth, controlled tone of voice that meant she was quoting, verbatim, a passage from something she'd read. "_In their simplest variations, Sleep Sight potions allow the drinker to become aware of themselves when they are dreaming, letting them to dream lucidly and make the most of their dreaming experience. For this reason, most Sleep Sight potions are commonly sold commercially, due to their complexity to brew and appeal to most dreamers._"

Harry and Ron exchanged a look that said, "can-you-f***ing-believe-this-machine-girl-well-alright-man-prepare-yourself-for-something-ridiculous-you-know-it's-gonna-happen-any-second."

"_However, in their most complex forms, a brew of Sleep Sight potion can allow its drinkers to share the same dreams._ And then the book goes on about the legal implications and the historic power struggles between potion masters who'd try to steal each others' secrets from their dreams, but you get the point don't you?" She looked up at them expectantly.

Harry and Ron exchanged new a look that said, "can-you-f***ing-believe-this-girl-now-brace-yourself-man-here-comes-the-punchline."

Hermione pressed on, "If I can brew a good Sleep Sight potion, we can spy on the trolls' dreams and figure out what's going on!"

She sounded positively triumphant.

Harry knocked his forehead into the lid of the Tentacula vine jar. Ron nearly facepalmed before he remembered that his gloves were covered with dragon dung fertilizer.

"Hermione. You want to _spy_ on their _dreams_?" Harry asked incredulously, "Tell me, how could this _possibly_ go wrong?"

"Yeah, the last thing I want to do is wake up in the middle of some alien hatesex dream. Merlin-f***ing-forbid," Ron said, apparently disgusted. And then he paused, before saying jokingly, "Unless we're inviting Terezi and her pixie friend."

He dodged a very serious blow from Hermione's fist, nearly knocking Harry over in his haste to escape her wrath. (_"It was a joke, Hermione! I was joking!"_) She finally drew her fist away but kept it held up threateningly.

"It's a good idea!" she said, her cheeks coloring slightly, "I'd like to see you two think of something better!"

Harry was silent for a moment, his mouth gaping open and closed like a fish. Finally, "The Pensieve," he said simply, making it sound as though it were obvious.

Hermione turned redder, but remained silent; a clear concession on her part. She then turned back to her Tentacula and said, somewhat snootily, "Well, that can be a backup."

Harry and Ron glanced at each other and fought down extremely manly giggles.

* * *

><p><span>Transfiguration:<span>

Karkat had succeeded in detonating a glass of water into a cloud of red smoke. Although Terezi seemed to appreciate the smell, the classroom was evacuated after a human student keeled over in spasms when the smoke wafted into her face. While Professor McGonagall cleared out the classroom, Terezi made a show of spewing rainbow sludge from her wandtip to plaster the hallway, and the rest of the Griffindor students talking amongst themselves and only glancing occasionally at the increasingly colorful mess that their classmate was producing. For lack of anything better to do, Karkat pulled out a small grubphone and slapped it into wakefulness.

[carcinoGeneticist CG started trolling grimAuxilliatrix GA]

CG: KANAYA  
>CG: IF FOR ANY REASON I CALL IN TERMINALLY SICK WITH *IDIOTS SHITTING AROUND IN MY NOOK AND EMOTIONALLY TRAUMATIZING MY BATTERED PSYCHE-ITIS* YOU ARE HEREBY RELEASED OF ANY LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS THERE MAY BE OF SUCKING MY CORPSE DRY OF UNGODLY BLOOD.<br>CG: F***, I'M STARTING TO SOUND LIKE TEREZI.  
>CG: OH GOD SHE'S RUBBING OFF ON ME WE'VE BEEN SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME IN EACH OTHER'S BREATHING SPACE.<p>

GA: Karkat I Am In The Middle Of Class, And I Am Willing To Gamble Away My Few Remaining Boonbucks, Or Rather, "Galleons," That You Are As Well. Is It Absolutely Necessary To Speak To Me At The Moment?

CG: IT'S FINE I JUST RELEASED A CLOUD OF MAGICAL-ASS NOXIOUS FUMES IN THE CLASSROOM AND EVERYONE HAS TO FLAGELLATE AROUND OUTSIDE LIKE WORTHLESS BULGEQUENCHERS ON A F***ING ASSHOLE JAMBOREE FOR THE TIME BEING UNTIL THE BITCHY HUMAN HIVE LEADER CLEANS IT UP.

GA: I See.  
>GA: And By "I See," I Actually Mean, "Please, Upon Reconsideration I Would Much Appreciate If You Did Not Elaborate On The Topic."<br>GA: Is There Anything Else That Is Of Such Pressing Importance To You That You Wished To Communicate With Me In The Middle Of My Studies?

CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHY ANY OF US GIVES A SINGLE REEKING SERVING OF SHIT ABOUT THESE MAGIC CLASSES.  
>CG: WELL WHOOP-DE-F***ING-DO, I CAN WAVE A LITTLE WOODEN NOOKPOKER IN THE AIR AND MAKE SOME UNNATURAL LITTLE SANITY BLISTERS POP OUT OF NOWHERE!<br>CG: WELP, BETTER GO TO SOME F***ASS SCHOOL AND WORK REALLY HARD SO I CAN LEARN TO MAKE THESE DARLING SANITY BLISTERS TURN GREEN!  
>CG: OR BETTER YET, <em>PERFECTLY<em> _SPHERICAL! ! ! ! !_

GA: Personally I Find The Classes Genuinely Interesting.  
>GA: There Are Many Thought-Provoking Subjects To Learn About Here.<br>GA: And Besides, What Else Would We Do With Ourselves In This World?

CG: SCREAM AND RUN ABOUT IN GIRLY CIRCLES LIKE A BUNCH OF SNOT-NOSED LOSERS TRYING TO SURVIVE THROUGH THEIR FIRST CULLING SEASON.  
>CG: I SURE AS DAYLIGHT HAPPYTIMES AM ALL FOR IT. YOU?<p>

GA: ... Quite. But Please, Karkat, Try To Be Sincere For Once And Take Into Consideration Our Current Location And How It Affects The Overall Picture.  
>GA: It Seems To Me We Have Mysteriously Landed On A Planet Of Magic Wielding Humans That Have Never Heard Of The Game. And That Is The Extent Of Our Knowledge About Our Circumstances.<br>GA: We Do Not Even Possess A Maitrorb, Nor The Equipment Or Grist To Create One From Scratch.

CG: YEAH, WE'RE THOROUGHLY F***ED AS USUAL. WHAT ELSE IS NEW ON PLANET SHIT-FOR-LIFE?

GA: I Am Actually Hopeful That By Studying Magic Here, We Can Discover A Way To Resurrect Our Species.  
>GA: This Castle Is Filled To The Brim With Phenomena That, Up Until Witnessing With My Own Two Ocular Scrutinization Orbs, I Would Have Most Certainly Considered To Be Impossibilities.<br>GA: If Nothing Else, I Would At Least Like To Find Out Why And How We Came To Arrive In This Place.  
>GA: Whatever Of The Game? I For One Do Not Recall Any Resolution.<br>GA: And What Of Bec Noir?  
>GA: Of The Humans We Trolled And The Universe We Created For Them?<p>

CG: KANAYA, DON'T BOTHER FLAPPING YOUR ASKING PALLETE AT ME. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. FOR ALL WE KNOW, WE WON ALL THE SHITTY PRIZES AND THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A GLOBEF***ED PLANET IS OUR TROPHY.  
>CG: BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT, TO BE HONEST. IT'S MORE LIKELY WE JUST PICKED OUT EVERY CHOICE EVER PRESENTED TO US ON THE VAST MENU OF FAILURE AND NOW WE'RE STUCK HERE, IN THIS JOKE OF A PURGATORY TO CHEERFULLY F*** OURSELVES UNCONSCIOUS WITH THE NEAREST BRISTLY CLEANING UTENSIL.<p>

GA: That Is Not Much Of An Optimistic Outlook.

CG: YEAH, WELL, OPTIMISM CAN GO BITE ITSELF IN THE ASS AND CHOKE TO DEATH ON A SWOLLEN DISGRACEMENT GLAND.  
>CG: I FEEL LIKE IF WE TRY TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT LIKE WE'VE TRIED TO DO BEFORE,<br>CG: PARADOX SPACE IS GOING TO STAB ALL IT'S INFINITE NUMBER OF MIDDLE FINGERS THROUGH OUR THINK PANS AS PER USUAL.  
>CG: F***. I WISH WE DIDN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS STATE OF CLUELESS DUMBF***ERY<br>CG: AND THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING OUT THE PAN-TWISTING TRUTH EITHER.

GA: Calm Down, Karkat.  
>GA: It Will Be Fine.<br>GA: We're Here, And Are Doing Perfectly Well For Ourselves In The Meanwhile.  
>GA: We Will Just Have to Deal With Any "Dumbf***ery" As It Presents Itself To Us.<p>

CG: ARGH, FINE, I GUESS.

GA: Alright.  
>GA: Well, If That Is All, I Must Put Away Trollian Before The Teacher Notices.<p>

CG: YEAH, YOU DO THAT.

GA: Farewell.

CG: BYE.

[grimAuxilliatrix GA ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist CG]

* * *

><p><span>Future:<span>

An assembly of trolls and humans were meeting in a discreet location of the castle (that is to say, THE GREAT HALL).

And a chorus of furious voices shouted in angry unison; a choir of enraged mythical beasts known as angels:

"ERIDAN!

"Wwhat?" he asked, fins fluttering with surprise and nervousness as his eyes skipped across the assembled party's irritated expressions.

"IF I HAVE TO F***ING _EXPLAIN_ WHAT THE F*** IS 'WWHAT,' YOU SERIOUSLY NEED AN EXCESSIVELY INVASIVE THINK PAN INVESTIGATION INVOLVING BOTH OF MY SIC-"

He was suddenly silenced by a flick of Hermione's wand, and after a mere heartbeat he started to make up for it by flailing his arms about as violently as physically possible.

"It's no trouble," Rose said placidly, "I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable paradox explanation for this."

Eridan scowled. "C'mon, it's not like I did anyfin _wwrong._"

"WELL YOU DIDN'T F***ING PIPE UP EITHER WHEN WE WERE SETTING OUT TO PUT OUR SORRY ASSES INTO THE NOOKCHOMPING DANGERHOLE OF-" He broke off again as Hermione offhandedly flicked her wand once more.

"Givve me a break! I had blood f***in shooting out of both nostrils and other places betides," he said, rightfully affronted.

"IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT FOR-" Hermione flicked her wand. Karkat lividly flipped her off with both hands.

"Guys, we should really stop fighting already and get started!" Aradia cut in, before Eridan could bite out a retort to Karkat's amputated tirade.

* * *

><p><span>Present Wednesday: After Classes:<span>

Terezi, Nepeta, Equius, and Luna Lovegood were settled happily in the dungeons. In respective order, they were cackling, dutifully scribbling red chalk onto the walls, sweating profusely, and rereading a certain copy of _The Quibbler_.

Terezi finished cackling at the enormous red dragon she'd ground into the walls and picked up her cane, which she'd attached her wand to with a hearty roll of Spellotape. With an impressive flourish, she drummed the end of the cane into the dragon's forehead, and within instants, the haphazardly scrawled beast came to life, stretching its wings out and galloping away down the darkened hallway.

Not to be outdone, Nepeta pressed the last of her red chalk into the eyes of a double-mouthed lion she'd drawn, and drew her own wand, tapping the two-dimensional feline on its forehead and sending it down the hall after the dragon, roaring all the while.

Terezi nodded with approval and picked up from the floor her near-empty box of red chalk.

"LUN4!" she grinned, shaking the small cardboard box, "More please!"

Without glancing up from her magazine, Luna tugged her wand from behind her ear and waved it at the box, which immediately refilled with fresh sticks of chalk. Giggling to herself, Terezi pulled out a few sticks and passed them around. Nepeta pounced on hers eagerly, but Equius took his with great reluctance, his sweating hands smearing the compressed red powder as soon as it came into contact.

"Nepeta," he said, teeth grinding together, "Are you... udderly certain that this is not against the established r001s?"

"Yep!" she confirmed cheerily, and carved a long, curving, red line into the dark stone wall where it seemed to glow, somewhat eerily. "Come on, Equius! Just have a little bit of fun for pounce!"

"Hehehe! Vriska will piss herself crying when she sees this all over her PR3C1OUS SLYTH3R1N T3RR1TORY!" Terezi snickered as she energetically dragged her chalk back and forth across the wall.

"Speaking of which," Luna commented, "Have you heard of the Skaian trolls that beat up Macnair in the French Alps yesterday? I meant to bring it up."

"Nice segue. It's not like those need to make sense or anything," Terezi snorted, finishing off the jagged fangs of yet another dragon, and moving onto adding spikes down its spine.

"Yes. Thank you. Now back to the question," Luna said seriously.

Terezi paused her work to splay her tongue against the wall. After several long seconds of slobbering all over the chalky dragon, she pulled her face away and resumed scribbling as though nothing had happened.

"Skaian trolls?" she said slowly, "Like Skaia?"

"Yes," Luna replied matter-of-factly, and turned another page, never averting her gaze from The Quibbler.

"Hermione mentioned something about the French Alps this morning," Nepeta added, brandishing her own stick of chalk in the air. "Remember, Terezi? And Equius, don't just stand there! You're just going to leave behind a pawful puddle on the floor if you think about 'r001s' too much. You didn't have to come down here with us, you know! I just thought it would be a purrfect chance to hang out togefur. Try it!"

Equius drew a very shaky, very hesitant red line on the wall, and then broke into a new tempo of sweating.

"Anyway," Nepeta continued, addressing Luna, "Why did you follow Equius here?"

"I thought I should get to know you better, is all. Besides, the Wrakspurts were acting up ridiculously in Ravenclaw Tower. I couldn't focus on my homework."

"Oh. That's... a shame?"

Terezi cackled suddenly as her stick of chalk had been ground into a small nub, which she popped into her mouth and savored, her eyes closing as she hummed contentedly.

"Also, I thought that perhaps Equius' friends would be more outspoken about the incident yesterday in the Alps. How could any of you trolls have been there?" She finally pulled her gaze away from The Quibbler and looked up seriously at the three trolls around her.

Terezi cracked her chalk nub into pieces in her mouth and grinned, her teeth stained bright red.

"Hehe, don't be S1LLY, Lemony!"

"Luna."

"Like I said, Lemony. Not even trolls can be in two places at once! Unless time shenanigans." She stopped, and seemed to stare at he half-finished dragon on the wall before her. She rolled the flecks of chalk around in her mouth contemplatively for a moment, before spitting them against the wall where they stuck, and then slowly sank down the wall in sticky globs of reddish teal. Terezi then glanced at Nepeta.

"Aradia hasn't showed up yet, has she?"

Equius stiffened.

Nepeta shook her head slowly, "Yeah, but... Oh. Ohhh..."

Luna glanced between them expectantly, her enormous eyes turning from one troll to the next.

Equius ground his cracked teeth, and then spoke up. "She showed up on Trollian. Yesterday."

"Did you talk to her?" demanded Terezi.

He started to sweat even harder. "N-no... 100dicrous. I. I need a-"

Nepeta tugged a towel out of her sylladex and tossed it to her moirail before he even had a chance to finish his sentence.

"Thank you, Nepeta."

Luna raised her eyebrows a little and asked, very politely, "Will any of you please explain?"

"But...Aradia is one of the nicest!" Nepeta insisted. "She never hurt anyone unless it was necessary for the... timeline..." She and Terezi exchanged a look.

"We don't know any more than you do," Terezi said to Luna, withdrawing another stick of chalk from its box, "Except that if Aradia is resorting to violent measures, then something bad has happened, is happening, or is going to happen. There's nothing we can do about it! She's the Maid of Time. It's her G1G. And we can't do SH1T about it. There are only two things you can do about time shenanigans."

She flicked her chalk against the air as though tapping an invisible diagram hovering in front of her. "One: Be Aradia." She flicked it again. "Two: Nothing."

And then she laughed, turning away from the alarmed gazes of her peers and scribbling away at the red dragon before her.

"Yeah, the best we can do now is f*** around with chalk until something more interesting come up, hehehehehe! Time isn't worth spending time worrying over."

* * *

><p>"Vvris? What the f*** is that?" Eridan asked tentatively of the female troll as she stood by a library window clutching a handful of bright red fur of what appeared to be an extremely hairy, extremely wriggly, somewhat spherically shaped creature.<p>

"It's Pyrope's," she snarled calmly, and shook the beast until it squealed a little, "I snatched it from under her armpit during lunch before Kanaya broke us up again. I think it's supposed to be some kind of adopted lusus. Path8tic!" She made a sound of derision in the back of her throat. "Does it look to you like she loves it?" She held it up to eye level and shook it again in Eridan's face.

Truthfully, the thing did not look well-loved in the slightest. Or if it was well-loved, it certainly was not well-cared for. It's fur was spiked up and matted in places with what appeared to be dried spittle, not to mention the somewhat... deflated look it had about it, despite its generally rotund shape. But Eridan didn't feel the urge to voice any of those sentiments.

"I didn't see you at lunch," he said bitterly, crossing his arms irritably and leaning away from the creature in Vriska's face, "where _wwere_ you even?"

She snatched her hand away and huffed, "None of _your_ business, Ampissra!"

And then she unlatched the library window, wound up her arm, and pitched the creature through with all her might. It sailed over the grounds, squeaking all the way.

Eridan screwed up his face in a more pronounced grimace at the way Vriska was smiling happily out the window at her handiwork. A sharp _bang_ like a gun going off in the distance sounded moments later. Once upon a time she would've been trying to do shit to _his_ treasured... red... hairball... lusus... if he'd had any. F***in' unbelievvable. And unfair as shit. Cod!

"You knoww wwhat, Vvris, I don't evven care. I'm gettin the f*** outta here," he fumed, and stalked away, leaving her to sigh contentedly as she leaned out the window, her elbows propped on the windowsill and her hands cupped around her chin.

He was such a mess, getting quadrant crushes evverywwhere. Eridan bit down on his tongue in a flash of fury, and didn't care when he tasted blood.

* * *

><p>It was evening, and the sun was nearing the end if its descent behind the horizon. The light was quickly getting dark, but not quite to the point that anyone who happened to be outdoors felt the need to light their wandtips.<p>

Neville Longbottom was watering a Lunar Maggot-Cruncher when something flew through the hatch in the roof of the greenhouse and crashed into the stack of extra flowerpots that Professor Spout kept on hand, cracking the ones it came into direct contact with. He turned hastily, dropping the watering can to his feet with a _CLANG_ and nearly knocking over his prized Mimbulus Mimbletonia. (Professor Sprout had agreed to let him keep it in the school greenhouses for the duration of the academic year, as his roommates had not appreciated having something in their dorm that would squirt stinksap everywhere whenever it was startled.)

He quickly lit his wand and pointed it at the pile of cracked flowerpots in an attempt to get a better look at the object. The flowerpots suddenly rustled, scaring Neville half to death, but then a bright red pygmy-puff scuttled out, tripped over a shard of ceramic, and fell on it's face, churring pitifully.

Just as he was about to move forward and check to see if the poor creature was alright, something else came striking through the ceiling in a flash of light, and crashed directly into the dazed Pygmy Puff. Neville scuttled back for the second time that evening, ducking behind a large planter for shelter. When nothing happened for several moments, he peered curiously over the rim, raising his glowing wandtip over his head.

The mysterious flying object that had crushed the mysterious flying Pygmy Puff was a perfectly spherical grey object that had odd, orange protrusions studding its surface. Cautiously, and doubting his own sanity, Neville picked up a clod of dirt from the floor and threw it at the object. The impact knocked the thing off-balance, but it simply rolled slightly and came to a rest again, showing no sign of reacting to the dirt clod.

Neville stood and crept over to the ball, and poked the item with the end of his wand. And then quickly put up a Shield Charm.

But the thing simply lay there. Indeed, it seemed like a perfectly normal, nonsentient, grey object with sunset-colored lumps all over it.

Shrugging, Neville lifted the thing into the air with a spell and carefully took it to find Professor Sprout. Surely she'd know what the heck to do with it. Maybe the Whomping Willow was sending out seeds or something.

Even though he was sure that Whomping Willow did not have such oddly-shaped seeds.

* * *

><p><span>In the Gryffindor Girls' Dormitories later that night:<span>

"H4S 4NYON3 S33N S1R C4NDY D3L1CIOUS?" Terezi cried hysterically, overturning everybody's beadspreads and running around the room worriedly.

"No, Terezi," Hermione said calmly, casting spells around the room to tidy away the health hazard zones that Terezi was making out of the dormitory.

"When was the last time you paw him?" Nepeta asked worriedly from her safe perch atop the pillars of her bed, which Terezi was currently tearing through like a starving man into a five-course gourmet meal.

"1 DON'T KNOW! I had him under my armpit before lunch, but-"

"Your armpit," said Hermione flatly, her facial expression somehow failing to communicate any degree of surprise.

"Yes!"

And then Terezi, struck by an idea, suddenly straightened up and picked up her cane.

"No, I wouldn't advice a Summoning Spell," Hermione said quickly, "It might crash him through a window and kill him."

She dropped her cane and started to turn in place, surveying the room critically as Hermione put Nepeta's bed back together. ("Thank you, Purrmione!") Finally, Terezi picked her cane up again and moved over to her own bed, flopping down with a heavy sigh.

"I guess he'll turn up again..."

"Mm-hmm," Hermione responded, not sounding particularly convinced.

* * *

><p>Karkat sat on his four-poster bed with a husktop across his lap, quickly finishing up an essay about F***ING UNICORN CRAP. After typing out the last line, he saved the file and opened a Trollian chat window.<p>

[carcinoGeneticist CG started trolling twinArmegeddons TA]

CG: ALRIGHT BITCHFITS HORNF***ER

It was quite late in the night, and Karkat was too exhausted from Filch's shitty detention rituals to even pretend to initiate any semblance of pleasantries. Not that he would've used them anyway even if he were well-rested. His fingers flashed quickly across the keyboard as he typed out line after bluntly-phrased line.

CG: KANAYA SAID YOU'VE GOT A PRINTER RUNNING.  
>CG: IF I SEND YOU SOME DUMBF*** HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS WILL YOU PRINT THEM OUT?<br>CG: THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO WRITE IT ALL BY HAND.

Moments later, he received a response from the other end.

TA: well 2iince you put iit ever 2o niicely,  
>TA: okay let'2 thiink real hard now<br>TA: how about...  
>TA: no<br>TA: and let that teach you 2omethiing about beiing poliite

Fighting down an aneurism, Karkat pressed his fists against his eyes for several moments before laying his hands back on the keyboard.

CG: HA. HA. YOU F***ING GODAWFUL EXCUSE OF A JOKEWAD.  
>CG: I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA SAY SOMETHING DUMB AND CHILDISH NOW LIKE<br>CG: YOU'RE F***IN' WALCOME!

TA: no thank2 that'2 your job.  
>TA: 2mell you later 2tumpy nub2<br>TA: ii'm goiing to have 2ome 2weet as 2hiit dream2 now

[twinArmageddons TA ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist]

Karkat kicked his bedpost hard enough to bruise a toe. He swallowed a scream of ragepain and smashed out a message that Sollux would most assuredly never read.

CG: THAT'S IT.  
>CG: I'M BREAKING STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SMUGSHIT LITTLE RAVENBULGE ASSHOLE TOWER TO THROTTLE YOUR SELF-IMPORTANT AIR CHUTE INTO BLOODY CHUNKS.<br>CG: TAKE THIS AS A F***ING WARNING.

* * *

><p>End of Chapter 16<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Note<strong>: Yeah I'm still having Real Life shenanigans, so don't expect the next chapter to be on schedule either. I'M SORRY GUYS, REALLY, but I'm only human, and I do like my beauty sleep... Okay so maybe it's more like average sleep but wwhatevver.

I hope this is okay for you guys? I'm quite proud of how the KK/KN conversation turned out, but I'm not as sure about the rest. :X

_Lalalalala :P_


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